To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

[Hjjo]

ds is 13 months. I feel like it’s constant and it won’t ever stop will it? He’s not even difficult. He’s a placid baby mostly. I’m just so bored. I feel terrible but I want to be at work and just away from the nappies and the routine and the non stop demands. I feel terrible for being able to be a sahm but not wanting to :(

I loved being a sahm when mine were younger but I kept myself and them busy with activities, so didn't get bored

Some of these comments are bordering on hysterical. "The state looking after your children" 😂😂.

Parenting is not one size fits all. If you want to go to work, that is OK. If you want to be a stay at home mum that is OK. What isn't OK, is feeling guilty for wanting a break or time to yourself. These things are a basic human need and what stops most of us from losing the plot and becoming mentally unwell. It's essential to parent well that we look after our own needs too whether that means using childcare or going back to work.

You also don't need to try and enjoy being a stay at home just because society tells you, you should or there's this expectation that you should enjoy every minute of parenting. I'm a big fan of the alloparentint concept. Throughout time, mums have gone out to work and childen have been brought up by multiple caregivers. The concept of a SAHM is a fairly recent one. It's completely individual what works best for each family and one way is not better than the other but what I'm trying to say feel no guilt or shame if you don't want to be a sahm or don't enjoy it.

I did recently take time out of work and the only way I coped with being at home with a toddler was 2 days of him being in nursery. If you don't want to return to work could even a day at a childminder be an option?

Op, I felt guilty for saying I loved being at home with my kids and being content with the 'drudgery' of housework. Honestly I still would be if they weren't all at school. I've never been so happy as when I've been 'running the home '. Felt like it let down my feminist ancestors!
However they fought for our freedom to choose and we have that luxury (most of us) to choose.

I think happy mum= happy child and if for you that means working then do.

I went back to work four days a week when DS was nine months, and full time when he was 15 months. He does four days in nursery and has a day with my mum.

I thought I'd enjoy maternity leave more than I did, if I’m honest. Bits of it were lovely and DS is the best thing ever, but I found the relentless drudgery soul-destroying. I am a much better mum when I have regular time away from my child to be an adult and think about things other than naps and meals!

Now he's 19 months he's much easier company but it's still hard work. I've got no desire to be a SAHM - I respect people who find it fulfilling because part of me wishes I felt the same, but I have to be honest and acknowledge I'm not cut out for it.

I gave up work to home educate one of my children. Because school wasn't meeting his SEN. DLA made it possible.
It's been enjoyable but I'm a bit bored of it now. I'm hoping to get him into school for secondary and get a job.

I knew I'd want to be a sahm when we decided to have dc. I like the chilled out days once they're in school, and helps mitigate the arduous early years and busy school hols. I've never enjoyed working and prefer being able to choose how to structure my days and who I spend time with. I'm not a sociable person so I don't feel isolated, and I'm attending classes or groups every day so there is still social contact (but not having to actually interact too much). Having the time to myself once they're in preschool meant I didn't mind losing my hobbies and free time in the baby years, because I knew I'd have that time back in the preschool/school years. I think being a sahm for just a few years when they're with you 24/7 and then returning to work would mean I'd never get any free time and wouldn't suit me at all.

With a toddler I've always liked getting out of the house as much as possible and doing lots of external activities. It does get a bit dull if you spend days at home. Also stops you feeling like you have to do housework all day. I find that if you're out and about then the mundane things like nappy changes are just a tiny part of the day and you focus more on playing and interacting.

Nothing wrong with how you feel. Both I and DH worked full time (and I being long shifts/hours), and also looked after kids full time by working opposite shifts/days. We did it to get ahead financially in those early days as childcare fee’s would have been the same as mortgage! Honestly, I loved my kids dearly but was happy to run out the door (mostly tagging DH on way in), and get the hell out of there. If I had of been doomed to that as my only life I probably would have ended up swinging from a tree.

To be honest, when tiny, they are more than happy at a good nursery with loads of stimulation and rest time. You don't stop being their parent just because someone else does the drudgery. Your role is to set the boundaries, the ground rules, the positivity, the joy, the fun. That is what creates attachment and will lead to a far easier older childhood. Actually, older children need their parents to be there far more than you think and parenting pre teen and teen is far harder (and mine were comparatively easy). I'd have gone mad if I had stayed at home when they were younger. I found it rather lonely.

I did it for 2 years after my third DC. By then, the eldest was 8 and it was full on with school , hobbies and play dates etc and the days whipped by. Once the youngest was in nursery school I had time to recharge for a bit then took up training for my second career.

Feeling guilty because of what you think you should be doing is such a waste of energy and not going to help you get what you personally want out of life. Fight hard in your mind to accept that it really is different strokes for different folks..establish what makes you feel at your best then create that set up. Your child will always be the centre of your universe (they have a way of making sure they are!) but it's completely ok that you crave and need additional things to keep you happy and balanced.

@Hjjo honestly don't beat yourself up about this although I understand because I did. The narrative is often every mum wants to be at home so if that's enough for you you can tell like there's something wrong with you. After 14 months I went back for 14 hours and now they are all in school I'm 24 hours which is a great balance for me.

I had a deep, almost visceral need to be with my children when small and didn't believe anyone else would look after them as well as I could. It was a shock tbh - I'd gone back to work full time when ds1 was 6 months old and fully intended to be a working mum - but I just couldn't bear it. Became a SAHM when he was 13 months old and remained so til ds2 was at school.

It's fine to change your mind

I am very much a home body, enjoy doing domestic stuff (but not tidying), and hated my job. I didn't have a career, just work. So staying home was very much the better option for me. And I don't get bored, because I'm happy pottering around doing not much (not that I really get the chance to do that, mind you). Now I home educate the children so I'm constantly busy.

It sounds like being a SAHM is not for you, and that's perfectly OK. There are good nurseries/childminders/nannies around who will take great care of your child if you decide to go back to work.

Being a SAHM is indeed relentless. Do you have a partner and does he/she do a fair share in the evening/weekend so you get a break?

I was like this with my first. Had another 2 in quick succession and enjoyed it more and more with each baby! I think 1 baby is a bit boring as there’s not as much to do. By the time you have three you’re manic and therefore not bored, plus the eldest was 3 so I could chat to her! I’d also found many more friends who were around in the day to meet up with so now I see a good friend most days with the children for a walk, lunch etc. I feel like I’m living the dream! And I did not feel this way when I just had one baby! I think it suits me to be busier!

I worked before becoming a SAHM and absolutely hated it (working in finance). Hated having a boss telling me to do pointless things, like "meet this deadline". Why?! What happens if we don't meet the deadline, someone set it so that someone can move it. Never saw a purpose to what I was doing, except to get paid (and I was earning quite well, 6 figures which is the only reason I worked).

With my baby I just felt like there was more of a purpose: her little laugh, her eyes lighting up when she saw me, the first steps, her first words, then the little conversations we could have when she spoke more, little funny things that she would do, how excited she was to see the world. As a SAHM I love every day of my life (ofc there are bits I don't love like cleaning up vomit or having to cook a meal only for it to be chucked on the floor, but on balance I get a lot more positive out of every day than negative). At work I clock watched every single day.

For me it’s that the babies will only be tiny for a tiny amount of time whereas you really can pick up a career at any point. I’ve been a SAHM while my kids are preschool, training this year and next and will be ready to work in 2026 when youngest starts school. The oldest will be 11, so 11 years of SAHM-hood. I’ve absolutely treasured these years 😍

Don't feel bad, OP. The world would be a very boring place if we were all the same!

I was a SAHM by choice and it suited me very well. I always saw being a SAHM as my 'job', if you like, and willingly took on all the side stuff as well (housework, mental load etc). But it wouldn't suit everyone, just as it wouldn't have suited me to go back to work when my children were young, and there's nothing wrong with that either.

There will always be people who think you've made the 'wrong' decision. Happiness comes from ignoring those people and being sure in your own mind that you've made the right decision for you.

Looking after small children can be incredibly boring. Many parents aren't set out to be SAHP. Go back to work for your sanity.

I’ve been a SAHM since April 2014. To put it simply I just wanted to be with my kids. My ex hated being a SAHD so it was wasted on him.

I’ve gone from just SAHM to carer then also a single mum. So even if I wanted to get back in to work right now it’s not as simple as applying for a job and it all working out. I have 2 children with SN now and I’m also a single parent now. I feel like people judge harshly but I have to do what’s best for my family.

Don't feel bad just try and give yourself the same advice that you would a friend and go from there.
I was a sahm to my dts and I have to admit that I loved it. I suppose I originally made the decision due to the cost of childcare for dts but in truth that was more of an excuse than a reason because I really wanted to be at home with them.
I went out a lot . I didn't go to classes but went to children's centres for stay and play groups. I'm still friends with the people I met there and we would all look after each others children while they had a cup of tea or a chat, it was a great little community and it felt like lovely.
I felt like shit though talking to my friends who did not sah. Like I was too stupid and shallow to need thst extra challenge, like I was sabotaging my life and career by staying at home with the dts. I sometimes felt a bit embarrassed by it tbh.
It's bonkers because I doubt they would have ever judged me as harshly as I did myself.

Nobody can be prepared for the sheer boredom and relentlessness of looking after small children. Spending day after day lifting my one year old off a cabinet or pushing the TV. Cut the OP some slack. She is allowed to find it hard.

You do realise your child is going to have to be separated from you at some point, cut the apron strings etc?

Honestly? Because I thought he was going to die and I had to make the most of every second. And then because of his care needs. Then I had twins and now I'm trapped. None of that is based on a rational choice and an active decision to sacrifice my career.
I always planned on going back to work but reduced or part time hours.

I started an online degree to stop the brain atrophy.
We both watched too much telly.
And I'm glad we have these years together but they all started school nursery the minute they were three.

To be the best mom you need to be happy. If that's not being home all the time, then look at what you need to do to fix that. Can you go back to your old job or is it too late? If you don't need your salary can you look for something part-time and put baby in nursery two days a week?

We survived it by being out alot. I'd do an hour on buses to a play group and an hour back. Stop for food and comfort and that was most of a day gone.

Library groups, community groups as well as paid for classes all helped me keep my sanity. Out local Art Gallery even did sensory sessions for the first born.

Because I didn't want to miss anything and didn't want someone else raising my baby than me. My husband and I had are daughter much later on in life until we were financially stable so I could be a SAHM.
Obviously everyone's gonna do what's best for them and they kids

So people can only struggle if their baby was unplanned? What nonsense. We needed help to conceive the twins and I already had one. Trust me when I say there are some days that have been hard beyond comprehension. I could NEVER have imagined crying in the night that my babies hated me and cried to punish me. Who'd imagine that?? Should I have not had them because it's harder than I expected? How does that even work given it requires retrospective analysis?

Then that's a DH problem. Why isn't he coming in and taking over childcare? Why aren't you meeting up with friends without the baby or going to the cinema alone? Why can't you have a spa day or a weekend away or just 3 hours round Tesco alone?