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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

535 replies

Hjjo · 28/12/2023 14:31

ds is 13 months. I feel like it’s constant and it won’t ever stop will it? He’s not even difficult. He’s a placid baby mostly. I’m just so bored. I feel terrible but I want to be at work and just away from the nappies and the routine and the non stop demands. I feel terrible for being able to be a sahm but not wanting to :(

OP posts:
ElaineMBenes · 29/12/2023 13:57

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 13:49

ElaineMBenes

  1. I wasn't backtracking it was you that was jumping to conclusions obviously because you've got a very big chip on your shoulder about something.
  1. You didn't challenge me all you did was make yourself look very bitter.

Calling out insulting comments doesn't make me bitter.

I wasn't the only one who interpreted your comment in that way so know sure why I'm the only one you're choosing to debate with?

Your comment suggested that you feel working mothers aren't raising their children. If you don't actually think that then don't write it down on a public forum otherwise people will challenge it.

2024BigWhoop · 29/12/2023 14:01

I haven’t read all the thread but I just wanted to share my experience as that’s what you seem to be after.

After my first son I didn’t want to go back to the job I had left as it would have meant him being in childcare 4 days a week and I didn't want that for him.

When I was a child I was in full time childcare, Mon-Fri from 6 months of age, and then in childcare (before and after school) until I was 12 and I hated it. I probably saw my parents for about 2-3 hours a day and it did make me sad.

My husband had been in a similar set-up when he was a child too and he’d disliked it for the same reasons I had so it had always been the plan that I would be at home as much as I could be / wanted to be when we had children.

I didn’t give up work completely after my first son was born but I changed my job so I only had to work 3 days a week (one of which was a weekend day) and that gave me a really lovely balance and meant we only had to use childcare for 2 days a week.

After the birth of our second child I reduced my hours further simply because I wanted to be with him as much as I could. This was probably because I had already seen the years fly by with my first son that I wanted to cherish time with my second baby even more.

I have had to give up work this year due to health reasons and so I’m technically a SAHM now but the boys are 6 and 9 years old now so it’s a completely different scenario.

Although I reduced my days/hours when my children were younger, there’s no way I could have been a SAHM during those years.

I needed a break from parenting, I needed the stimulation, the socialisation and the mental challenge that work provided me with and if I hadn’t had just those few days a week to simply be “me” I think I would have lost my mind.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing OP.
You do not have to feel guilty for feeling that the early years are tough and boring, because they really can be!

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 14:03

ElaineMBenes

Honestly just tell yourself what ever you need to make yourself feel right and validated and the other 2 people who agreed with you.

Some people just don't possess common sense.

TornIntoPieces · 29/12/2023 14:04

I want to stay at home but not be a sahp!
I love work but would love it even more if I could do it part time and spend the rest of the time split between the kids and separate time for me! I couldn't be a sahp all the time it's not in my design !

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/12/2023 14:08

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 14:03

ElaineMBenes

Honestly just tell yourself what ever you need to make yourself feel right and validated and the other 2 people who agreed with you.

Some people just don't possess common sense.

Common sense to me means that if you say you want to be a SAHM because you don't want other people raising your child that it also must mean that working parents who have children in nursery/childminders etc don't raise their children.

Of course some working parents are going to challenge comments like that.

ElaineMBenes · 29/12/2023 14:08

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 14:03

ElaineMBenes

Honestly just tell yourself what ever you need to make yourself feel right and validated and the other 2 people who agreed with you.

Some people just don't possess common sense.

Look, you wrote something online that could be interpreted in a particular way. That sort of comment is always going to attract a debate! That's the nature of online forums.

If you don't want people to challenge what you say then don't post controversial comments. It's that easy 🤷🏼‍♀️

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 14:25

ElaineMBenes

I'm up for debate and challenge has much as the next person but that's not what you were doing was it!! You were putting words in my mouth to get the answers you wanted.
I left school along time ago that sort of stuff can stay on the playground.

At the end of my very first reply I said everyone got to what's best for them and they kids.

ElaineMBenes · 29/12/2023 14:30

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 14:25

ElaineMBenes

I'm up for debate and challenge has much as the next person but that's not what you were doing was it!! You were putting words in my mouth to get the answers you wanted.
I left school along time ago that sort of stuff can stay on the playground.

At the end of my very first reply I said everyone got to what's best for them and they kids.

I haven't put any words in your mouth. I have only repeated what you wrote.

You wrote this:

Because I didn't want to miss anything and didn't want someone else raising my baby than me.

What exactly did you mean if it isn't what is clearly articulated here??

SylvieLaufeydottir · 29/12/2023 14:34

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 13:02

ElaineMBenes

This conversation is getting absolutely ridiculous now.

Of causes it's my opinion because I was only answering for myself and not the other millions of parents out there.

I imagine there is very few parents if any on the planet who have exactly the same method of raising their children.

Apparently, in your view, someone else would be raising your child if you worked at all. But your husband is somehow raising his own child despite working (presumably) FT. How does that work, exactly?

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 14:46

ElaineMBenes

You 100% put words in my mouth saying that I think working parents don't raise their children and you still argue the fact after I said yes I do think working parents raise children.

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 14:53

ElaineMBenes

Because I didn't want to miss anything and didn't want someone else raising my baby than me.

Because I don't want to miss her first word first walk, the first time she gets excited about something else in between.

And when my daughter falls over, I want to be the one she comes running to to make it better not another else. I want to be the biggest part of my daughter's life every way until she's five and start school. And if I was a working parent that just wouldn't be possible and I would miss all the little things that I feel are important ME.

ElaineMBenes · 29/12/2023 14:54

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 14:46

ElaineMBenes

You 100% put words in my mouth saying that I think working parents don't raise their children and you still argue the fact after I said yes I do think working parents raise children.

I was only repeating what you wrote 🤷🏼‍♀️
I'm not psychic, I didn't know that you didn't mean what you'd written.

ElaineMBenes · 29/12/2023 14:57

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 14:53

ElaineMBenes

Because I didn't want to miss anything and didn't want someone else raising my baby than me.

Because I don't want to miss her first word first walk, the first time she gets excited about something else in between.

And when my daughter falls over, I want to be the one she comes running to to make it better not another else. I want to be the biggest part of my daughter's life every way until she's five and start school. And if I was a working parent that just wouldn't be possible and I would miss all the little things that I feel are important ME.

You're contradicting yourself now.
Either you stand by what you've written and you believe working parents don't raise their own children or you don't mean it but keep repeating it.......

No wonder were all confused 🤷🏼‍♀️

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 15:00

SyvieLaufeydottir

My husband works in the offshore industry (we both used to ) and he is away four weeks at a time, but he is also home four weeks at a time so when he home his entire life, pretty much revolves around my daughter and me and a few hobbies he got.

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 15:05

ElaineMBenes

You honestly can't be this silly. I've also said 1 million times now that my definition of raising a child could be completely different to someone else's and what i value i importantto but it doesn't mean everyone else does!! Why are you putting words in my mouth again?? There are 100 and million ways to raise children this mind. I have never said that my way of raising children is right that is just my way.

ElaineMBenes · 29/12/2023 15:13

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 15:05

ElaineMBenes

You honestly can't be this silly. I've also said 1 million times now that my definition of raising a child could be completely different to someone else's and what i value i importantto but it doesn't mean everyone else does!! Why are you putting words in my mouth again?? There are 100 and million ways to raise children this mind. I have never said that my way of raising children is right that is just my way.

Then you need to think about how you articulate yourself......

When you write the following statement

Because I didn't want to miss anything and didn't want someone else raising my baby than me.

It suggests that working parents don't raise their own children. If you don't mean it then don't write it!! It's really that simple.

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 15:16

ElaineMBenes

Oh behave yourself i'm grown woman and will write exactly what I want.

The fact that you read it and tried to twist it into something that you wanted it to be is not my problem.

You could've not replied, but you were obviously looking for an argument And only hearing what you want to, like I said playground tactics that I'm not interested.

ElaineMBenes · 29/12/2023 15:24

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 15:16

ElaineMBenes

Oh behave yourself i'm grown woman and will write exactly what I want.

The fact that you read it and tried to twist it into something that you wanted it to be is not my problem.

You could've not replied, but you were obviously looking for an argument And only hearing what you want to, like I said playground tactics that I'm not interested.

Again, I've only responded to what you've written 🤷🏼‍♀️

On the other hand you've insulted me a few times but maybe you feel I put those words in your mouth too?

If you don't want to be challenged then don't make controversial comments.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/12/2023 15:25

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 11:45

"SleepingStandingUp

That was a massive assumption on your behalf!! My husband is very much involved is raising are daughter and always have been.
Why you came to the conclusion that my husband isn't involved just because I'm a SAHM speak volumes about your mindset 🤯

Well no,it was YOUR assumption that YOU want to raise you child and therefore not nursery and job. Stands to reason then that DH works you don't consider him to be raising you child. Otherwise you'd accept that you can work or not work and still raise your child. Just like all those working mothers raising their own kids even when they attend nursery.

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 15:27

ElaineMBenes

No you're just like twisting peoples words but hey what are you gonna need to do to make yourself feel better about whatever is going on in your life I don't want to want to stop you.

I don't know why you keep saying challenging because so far all you've done is twist my words put words in my mouth and basically say my opinion of raising kids is it good enough because it's not your version.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/12/2023 15:28

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/12/2023 11:37

It always baffles me when people churn that phrase out.

Of course working parents raise their children, financially providing for them is a pretty important part of it for a start.

Show quote history

Well yes that was rather my point. The pp had to give up work so she could raise her kid cos you can't possibly combine the two. Ergo her partner must not be involved in the raising in her opinion

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 15:32

SleepingStabdingUp

My partner works at the country for four weeks at a time. He's also home for four weeks at a time when he is not working and that's when he is very much involved in my daughter's life and help raising her .

SleepingStandingUp · 29/12/2023 15:35

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 15:32

SleepingStabdingUp

My partner works at the country for four weeks at a time. He's also home for four weeks at a time when he is not working and that's when he is very much involved in my daughter's life and help raising her .

Unsure if that's in or out or for but I get you, he helps raise her part time. Thanks for the clarity on your pov

WeightoftheWorld · 29/12/2023 15:41

Not exactly what you asked for but I could be a SAHM and choose not to be. We are no financially better off for me working due to childcare costs either.

Chickpea17 · 29/12/2023 15:43

SleepingStandingUp

But to be fair, my husband is not involved as much as me because he does work away. But I'm sure if you asked my husband is definition of raising the child is completely different to mine which is fine because he is still a fantastic father. There are many different ways of raising children just what works best for the family like I said bet