Page 13 | Ex Wife Boundaries

2ChildDad · 2023-12-28T11:57:49+00:00

My ex wife and I share 50/50 custody of our children. I tend to have them slightly more than that over Christmas and half terms due to her work schedules (I am not complaining about that- any time that I spend with my kids in a gift). The kids spent Christmas with me and returned to her on Boxing Day. She has started a relationship with another man (the kids were somewhat resistant to this, but I have been as supportive as I can be-he has even thanked me for this). My boundary on this are that if the kids are with me, I don’t contact her unless absolutely necessary. She has her life to lead. Yesterday, I received a call saying ‘we are coming over to your house now as he (my son) wants his other pair of trainers’. I was actually having lunch with a lady that I have begun dating and said that ‘now is not convenient as I have company. Tomorrow will be fine’. She slammed the phone down and then sent a text saying ‘Don’t bother I am going to buy some new ones’. I think she is getting too aggressive here and not respecting boundaries. Or AIBU?

Illpickthatup · 28/12/2023 16:12

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 28/12/2023 12:49

If he was out that would be different. He was busy but there’s no reason his sim couldn’t have just run in and got his trainers. It’s his home too after all.

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And what if his dad was having sex? Would it be ok for his son just to run in for his trainers?

1983Louise · 28/12/2023 16:13

I think you did the right thing, I don't think you've harmed your son by not allowing him to have a particular pair of trainers, he should have taken them home in the first place 🙄. I think the problem is you have probably been too easy going with them, remember boundaries are a good thing. Hope the new romance goes well.

OhmygodDont · 28/12/2023 16:15

Illpickthatup · 28/12/2023 16:12

And what if his dad was having sex? Would it be ok for his son just to run in for his trainers?

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Be a bit rude to answer the phone to your ex wife while having sex with your new lady 😂

Now if the son when a teenager has his own key… deadbolt or no sex on the sofa 😂

Tandora · 28/12/2023 16:16

Grammarnut · 28/12/2023 16:05

But true. I am divorced and my DH is my second. My children were not hostile to him, and he had nothing to do with the break-up of my first marriage. DH was very careful (was a trained youth worker, as it happens) and understood they might be hostile. My ex-DH was hostile, and certainly told our DCs his version of what had happened in such a way that they were unable to listen to me, even if I wanted to tell them (bad idea). I knew that they were growing up (15 and 12 when we divorced) and would leave the nest at some point. Thus I put effort into the relationship I knew would be sustaining me now, when, indeed my children are living their own lives. Had I put them first maybe they would visit more often, but maybe not (visits seem evenly distributed), but my DH is here all the time. What is more his DS and his DCs are more than welcoming to me, and my DCs are included as family. Both like my DH.
Thought this view would be not entirely popular, but children cannot come first most of the time. If they were to do so we would none of us take a better job in another town, go on holidays that are not totally child-centred or move to a better house that happens to be away from the DC's friends or meant changing school. All of which would mean our family life would suffer.

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I mean your viewpoint is essentially that you are entitled to be selfish, as that is what is in your best interests.
When your child is 15, I’d say perhaps fair, at 12- no, and even younger (as is OP’s kid) def not. When you have children you sign up to putting their needs ahead of your own imv. Not always and forever, but certainly while they are still little.

Olive19741205 · 28/12/2023 16:17

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 15:34

@Olive19741205 I've since updated on subsequent posts.

Yes sorry. I see that now.

Needsomesupport84 · 28/12/2023 16:18

Lol @CoParents that it’s reasonable or proportionate to fly off the handle and say “fine I’ll buy him some new ones” when you don’t get your own way. Especially in the context of gaslighting and controlling behaviour before and after separation. You will pardon me if I don’t take your advice on what’s best for kids particularly seriously.

MeMySonAnd1 · 28/12/2023 16:18

GabriellaMontez · 28/12/2023 12:07

Your son wants his trainers... he should be allowed to get them. He's your child. It's his home.

It's hard enough for children when there is a situation like this. This isn't a 'boundary' issue.

Sorry but no, the child can survive for a few hours without that pair of trainers (unless is it his one and only pair of shoes) if mum or dad are busy, out, working or in a date.

OP only asked her to pick them up “later” rather than straight away. Much like when they were married, he, she or the children should NOT be expected to drop everything and run to get whatever the other(s) need straight away, without, delay unless it is an emergency.

Divorce is not a marriage with two houses, the whole family needs to adapt to the new set up and its requirements and provide respect and privacy to each of their members.

Her having a huff and getting new shoes is highly unreasonable, I bet she would have made the child to wait if she was in the same situation.

I think OP she just got a bit of a shock to realise you were dating already and in the moment of shock reacted as she would have reacted if she was still your wife and you had told her you couldn’t deal with a request from her because you were having a coffee with a female colleague. How did you dare to tell your ex wife, the mother of your children, to wait rather than ending the date and run to do as wifey told you???? Again, this is part of getting used to the new set up and I’m sure in time she would realise this explosion was not about the children needs but about realising the level of influence she had over you is diminishing:

I remember my exh throwing a tantrum because I refused to order and pick up the food for a party he and his new partner were organising for HIS own birthday, he even shouted at me and told me I should do it because he was busy and new partner couldn’t help, even when we had been separated for years and both had our own new partners 😁

I suggest OP, for the sake of your children, let them have keys of the house so they can pick up stuff as needed if they are teenagers and you can trust them to knock first.

Don’t sweat the small stuff, just make sure you ask your kids if they have everything they need when they go back to mum’s house.

Needsomesupport84 · 28/12/2023 16:20

Tandora · 28/12/2023 16:16

I mean your viewpoint is essentially that you are entitled to be selfish, as that is what is in your best interests.
When your child is 15, I’d say perhaps fair, at 12- no, and even younger (as is OP’s kid) def not. When you have children you sign up to putting their needs ahead of your own imv. Not always and forever, but certainly while they are still little.

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I love how it’s far more damaging for the kid to not get his third pair of trainers immediately than having it sprung on him unexpectedly that his dad is dating someone.

CoParents · 28/12/2023 16:20

Needsomesupport84 · 28/12/2023 16:18

Lol @CoParents that it’s reasonable or proportionate to fly off the handle and say “fine I’ll buy him some new ones” when you don’t get your own way. Especially in the context of gaslighting and controlling behaviour before and after separation. You will pardon me if I don’t take your advice on what’s best for kids particularly seriously.

lol ok. 👍🏻
(ps it hardly seems likely that EW going out of her way to pick up her kids trainers from OP’s house was about “getting her way” but okk 😂)

Boomer55 · 28/12/2023 16:21

I should ignore your ex - nothing you’ve said or done seems unreasonable, unless there’s a back story.

AmethystSparkles · 28/12/2023 16:24

I think there’s another side to this too. It was the ‘Any time I spend with my kids is a gift’ thing.

My ex would have our kids staying over three nights a week at one stage but I’d collect them from school, give them dinner, get all their school stuff ready…it was a mad rush and exhausting! He’d pick them up, have a bit of a relaxing time watching tv and put them to bed. He did none of the emotional stuff (they’re ND), no interest in any assessments - more like active opposition to anything ND related.

Then he’d say “You see the kids as work whereas I love spending time with them”. He once told me that he had them an equal amount of time. So I worked it out properly and he had them for half the amount of time he stated.

You’re just seeking validation and none of it means anything unless we have your ex wife’s side of the story.

Tandora · 28/12/2023 16:25

Needsomesupport84 · 28/12/2023 16:20

I love how it’s far more damaging for the kid to not get his third pair of trainers immediately than having it sprung on him unexpectedly that his dad is dating someone.

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Please explain how OP handing over shoes to EW at door entails revealing his dad is unexpectedly dating someone 😂. When you get a delivery at your door does the mail man’s son have insight into your relationship dynamics? This thread is just getting stupid tbh,

Grammarnut · 28/12/2023 16:26

Tandora · 28/12/2023 16:16

I mean your viewpoint is essentially that you are entitled to be selfish, as that is what is in your best interests.
When your child is 15, I’d say perhaps fair, at 12- no, and even younger (as is OP’s kid) def not. When you have children you sign up to putting their needs ahead of your own imv. Not always and forever, but certainly while they are still little.

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Your suggestion means staying in a marriage that is not working. I was not being selfish, I think. I did what I knew would mean a stable life in which I can have my children. My ex tried to stop me from having access to them, inveigled me into handing over money that was legally mine on the promise of access and then denied it, lied to the court that access was sorted, threatened me with the CSA (he'd have lost on this one - I paid over the odds) and fought me over custody when I finally went back to court. He wanted 100% custody and access 'by arrangement'. I wanted 50% and every other week-end, so that the DCs had two homes. I could not have offered a home without prioritising my new relationship, for I was depressed and incapable of action following the divorce and only DH held me together, got me to see a GP (I had not even registered with one!) and pulled me out of self-defeating guilt. I did what was best for me because that was best for my children. If that is selfish, then so be it. I am a older generation and I do not have sentimental ideas about children or childhood, but practical views on how we can surmount the disasters that we fall into. NB I did not trust my ex with the care of my 13-year-old DD. He was in the habit of leaving her alone with my 17-year-old DS while he went away. I saw this as a safeguarding red flag, for who knew who he would have to stay/visit etc?

Needsomesupport84 · 28/12/2023 16:27

AmethystSparkles · 28/12/2023 16:24

I think there’s another side to this too. It was the ‘Any time I spend with my kids is a gift’ thing.

My ex would have our kids staying over three nights a week at one stage but I’d collect them from school, give them dinner, get all their school stuff ready…it was a mad rush and exhausting! He’d pick them up, have a bit of a relaxing time watching tv and put them to bed. He did none of the emotional stuff (they’re ND), no interest in any assessments - more like active opposition to anything ND related.

Then he’d say “You see the kids as work whereas I love spending time with them”. He once told me that he had them an equal amount of time. So I worked it out properly and he had them for half the amount of time he stated.

You’re just seeking validation and none of it means anything unless we have your ex wife’s side of the story.

Would you type this message if it was a woman complaining about her controlling ex? You’d say “none of this means anything unless we hear his side”? If you did, I think most people would be disgusted and you’d have your arse handed to you. The OP has his kids more than half the time and the ex brings her young child round to his when she’s had an argument with him. Yes she sounds like mum of the year doing all the grunt work 🙄

Needsomesupport84 · 28/12/2023 16:29

Tandora · 28/12/2023 16:25

Please explain how OP handing over shoes to EW at door entails revealing his dad is unexpectedly dating someone 😂. When you get a delivery at your door does the mail man’s son have insight into your relationship dynamics? This thread is just getting stupid tbh,

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Because it’s pretty clear that ex was being nosy about the date which is why she wouldn’t accept getting the trainers without an interaction with OP.

Tandora · 28/12/2023 16:32

Grammarnut · 28/12/2023 16:26

Your suggestion means staying in a marriage that is not working. I was not being selfish, I think. I did what I knew would mean a stable life in which I can have my children. My ex tried to stop me from having access to them, inveigled me into handing over money that was legally mine on the promise of access and then denied it, lied to the court that access was sorted, threatened me with the CSA (he'd have lost on this one - I paid over the odds) and fought me over custody when I finally went back to court. He wanted 100% custody and access 'by arrangement'. I wanted 50% and every other week-end, so that the DCs had two homes. I could not have offered a home without prioritising my new relationship, for I was depressed and incapable of action following the divorce and only DH held me together, got me to see a GP (I had not even registered with one!) and pulled me out of self-defeating guilt. I did what was best for me because that was best for my children. If that is selfish, then so be it. I am a older generation and I do not have sentimental ideas about children or childhood, but practical views on how we can surmount the disasters that we fall into. NB I did not trust my ex with the care of my 13-year-old DD. He was in the habit of leaving her alone with my 17-year-old DS while he went away. I saw this as a safeguarding red flag, for who knew who he would have to stay/visit etc?

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Your suggestion means staying in a marriage that is not working.

oh gosh no I wouldn’t say this. My parents had an awful marriage and stuck it out for a long time and it def wasn’t in my best interests. But if after divorce if they had chosen to prioritise a new romantic interest over my needs, on the grounds that I would grow up and leave them, hell yeh I’d call that selfish. And harmful to kids.

I do appreciate your perspective , however, in that you are calling out OP’s attitude for what it is.

Olive19741205 · 28/12/2023 16:32

CoParents · 28/12/2023 15:50

If you can’t understand the difference between a child living through a 50/50 shared parenting arrangement (after relationship breakdown), and your daughter having a sleep over at her aunt’s house, you are very obtuse.

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It's very clear that you are all for trampling over ex partners boundaries.

Tandora · 28/12/2023 16:33

Needsomesupport84 · 28/12/2023 16:29

Because it’s pretty clear that ex was being nosy about the date which is why she wouldn’t accept getting the trainers without an interaction with OP.

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This is not clear at all.

CoParents · 28/12/2023 16:33

Olive19741205 · 28/12/2023 16:32

It's very clear that you are all for trampling over ex partners boundaries.

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lol.

Needsomesupport84 · 28/12/2023 16:41

Tandora · 28/12/2023 16:33

This is not clear at all.

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Then why not be happy with them being left out the front which OP offered (I know many posters don’t believe he did offer this but on the assumption that is true)?

Tandora · 28/12/2023 16:49

Needsomesupport84 · 28/12/2023 16:41

Then why not be happy with them being left out the front which OP offered (I know many posters don’t believe he did offer this but on the assumption that is true)?

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I think if he did honestly offer this it must have been after the whole thing had escalated into an argument (phone slammed down etc) and EW had already decided against coming (shed rather just buy new shoes). Otherwise the OP doesn’t really make sense as originally written.

Perhaps OP can clarify exactly when and how he offered this option?

melj1213 · 28/12/2023 16:49

YANBU

I co-parent 50/50 with exDH, we have remained good friends and do lots of things together with DD, but he would never just tell me he was coming to get something from my house, he would ask if I was in/if it was convenient and if not then he'd figure something else out, he wouldn't have a hissy fit if I dared say "No it's not convenient to come over".

Likewise I would never see his house as an extension of my own. It is DDs home, just as my house is her home too, but it is not mine and I have no right to enter as and when I want.

Obviously if it was something important and/or time sensitive eg medication or her spare glasses because her main pair got broken then I would do everything in my power to get it sorted asap regardless of what I was doing but for something like "I want a different pair of shoes/top/bag etc" then if I was busy then tough, she'd have to wait.

NewNameNigel · 28/12/2023 16:49

AmethystSparkles · 28/12/2023 16:24

I think there’s another side to this too. It was the ‘Any time I spend with my kids is a gift’ thing.

My ex would have our kids staying over three nights a week at one stage but I’d collect them from school, give them dinner, get all their school stuff ready…it was a mad rush and exhausting! He’d pick them up, have a bit of a relaxing time watching tv and put them to bed. He did none of the emotional stuff (they’re ND), no interest in any assessments - more like active opposition to anything ND related.

Then he’d say “You see the kids as work whereas I love spending time with them”. He once told me that he had them an equal amount of time. So I worked it out properly and he had them for half the amount of time he stated.

You’re just seeking validation and none of it means anything unless we have your ex wife’s side of the story.

This whole post is classic projection. What does the shit man that you chose as a father for your children have to do with the op?

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 16:51

Workworkandmoreworknow · 28/12/2023 14:51

Mum clearly doesn't care that much about boy getting his trainers either since she slammed the phone down and said don't bother

really? Maybe said boy has been droning on and on and on about getting the trainers. Maybe mum did everything she could to not to have to go and get them, but after hours of going on about it, she gave in. And then, when told no, you can’t get them realised she was going to have to buy a pair to keep the peace with said boy. So slammed the phone down.

is is convenient for the ‘second wives club’ to see things one way only. There is always a back story.

You must have a bad back after all that reaching.

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 16:53

Tandora · 28/12/2023 16:49

I think if he did honestly offer this it must have been after the whole thing had escalated into an argument (phone slammed down etc) and EW had already decided against coming (shed rather just buy new shoes). Otherwise the OP doesn’t really make sense as originally written.

Perhaps OP can clarify exactly when and how he offered this option?

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Why would she buy new trainers when ds already had 2 pairs at home?

Sounds like ex had a tantrum all on her own without any help.