Ex Wife Boundaries

[2ChildDad]

My ex wife and I share 50/50 custody of our children. I tend to have them slightly more than that over Christmas and half terms due to her work schedules (I am not complaining about that- any time that I spend with my kids in a gift). The kids spent Christmas with me and returned to her on Boxing Day.
She has started a relationship with another man (the kids were somewhat resistant to this, but I have been as supportive as I can be-he has even thanked me for this).
My boundary on this are that if the kids are with me, I don’t contact her unless absolutely necessary. She has her life to lead.
Yesterday, I received a call saying ‘we are coming over to your house now as he (my son) wants his other pair of trainers’.
I was actually having lunch with a lady that I have begun dating and said that ‘now is not convenient as I have company. Tomorrow will be fine’.
She slammed the phone down and then sent a text saying ‘Don’t bother I am going to buy some new ones’.
I think she is getting too aggressive here and not respecting boundaries. Or AIBU?

Yeah I’m wondering if the conversion was going around and around.

Son really needs/wants them today… sorry not today… seriously he can’t just grab his shoes?… I said no I’m busy… for god sake I’ll just bloody go buy new ones then…(getting ready to hang up) ok I’ll put them on the door step… don’t bother (hangs up)

could be totally wrong tho.

Can you link to this ‘evidence’? Because it sounds made up.

@Coolhwip The advice @CoParents os giving about flexibility & communication to make 50:50 work was given to me 5 years ago in mediation and to a friend recently by a family law solicitor

Yeah that would have been fine. As long as he got the trainers.

Initially prioritising his date over his child by telling him to wait until tomorrow was wrong imo.

Flexibility and communication doesn’t mean the parents need to be in contact every day, especially if it means one parent makes unreasonable demands. And the poster did say they contact each other if there's an emergency or to request a change to the schedule.

Then that’s the fault of the ex saying ‘we are coming over to your house now’.

She needs to learn to communicate better.

I think she was angry at his initial dismissive and condescending response “tomorrow will be fine”. Fine for who exactly?
She obviously thought he was being unreasonable in refusing to hand over the trainers (as do I and many others on this thread) and became upset as a result.

It sounds like if he did offer to leave the shoes outside, this was after the initial refusal and EW, already wound up, responded “don’t bother”. But perhaps OP can clarify.

@Coolhwip as co parents they don’t seem to be communicating effectively. I’m sure they’ve both got opinions on where the blame lies but in reality it’s likely shared. In the meantime this is unlikely to be working as well as it might for the kids.

It’s a pretty minor issue that’s blown up and clearly bugged OP enough to start a thread about. That’s not a good co parenting relationship! If they’re under 3 years out from the split it’ll probably calm down, I can’t recall the timeline on that

Flexibility yes
Stupidity no

Ex shouldn't dictate that she's coming over now. She needs to learn to communicate

op has every right to state no I am busy

The child won't be scarred for life with PTSD because they had to wait for their trainers because mum cut her nose off to spite her face and didn't want the trainers left on the doorstop and to be honest telling a child no from time to time is not a sin

I imagine she's frustrated at seeing a date prioritised over their child. I know I certainly would be.

It's the child's home too. He should be allowed to get his belongings if he wants ( not the ex)

Ex shouldn't dictate that she's coming over now. She needs to learn to communicate

I actually agree with this -
it should have been framed as a respectful request. Sounds like they both communicated really poorly.

people need to stop with the dismissive “scar for life” crap though. Yes this one episode is one episode about a pair of trainers, but if OP and EW continue like this it will be a horrible arrangement for DC that will leave lasting scars.

Sounds like OP needs to get off his high horse , and EW needs to moderate her temper.

Its not that easy to just get full custody. The bar is very low for what is considered neglect. Also, just because she's awful towards OP doesn't mean she's a bad mother.

Angry that she couldn't have things her way and that her ex didn't dance to her tune. He has said she has previously demanded he return home so the child can get things.

Given that he already had 2 pairs of trainers at mum's, tomorrow would have been fine. And aged 9 or 10, she should have just told him that. End of discussion. She didn't even need to ring her ex, other than interfering in his life.

For those saying the child didn't need to know about his new girlfriend just to come over and get trainers, maybe her car was on the driveway? Or in that moment, when put on the spot by his ex, OP briefly couldn't think of a reason why he wanted his son kept away that could be used with him. Didn't want to provoke questions later etc, or have to say to new girlfriend to stay out of sight (awkward, much!). Because he wasn't expecting to see his son yesterday.

You sound exactly like DHs ex. She too thought that she could call him up for favours/pop over, make demands etc. when she had the kids. She used every excuse in the book. Every phone call started with "where are you, who you with?"

We finally insisted on boundaries being put in when she thought it was totally reasonable to give DH a timetable of when it suited HER for him to see me, obviously she tried to re-arrange the whole childcare schedule that had worked fine for 2 years. 🙄 (This was while we were dating and before I'd even met the kids)

She too used to say "how can you choose HER over the kids? Even though she had a boyfriend...the boyfriend she cheated on DH with. Even though DH had the kids 4/7 days. He wasn't allowed to have a life on the 3 days the kids were with her.

Meh. I'm very of the opinion that you should always put kids first but making a fuss over trainers is ridiculous imo. If it was my DS and I was the ex I'd have just told him to wear a different pair. Not the end of the world is it.

can't believe the amount of mothers on here who think they have a right to just walk all over their exes time/make demands of them outside their contact time.

Its at best bad manners, and at worst, controlling, narcissistic behaviour.

If i'd come on here and posted that my ExH had kicked off at me and demanded i dance to his timetable you'd all be telling me to hold to my boundaries.

The only difference here is that the OP is male.

Another one that thinks they can dictate to an ex who they share children with.

A difficult situation?😂 FFS. If your children can't cope with having to wear one of their other pairs of trainers...well, somethings gone wrong somewhere.

Kids needs should come first but their wants do not. I'm pretty sure a specific pair of trainers when they have 2 others is a want rather than a need.

We all know adults who were bought up to believe that everyone else should bow to what, is that really how people want their kids to turn out?

But it’s the child’s house.

It's a pair of trainers. The DS wouldn't be traumatised for having to wear a different pair of trainers as a one off.

Really?

oh piss off, my kids don't need anyone feeling sorry for them thanks.

They're teenagers and understand that if they left something at their dads that i will get it for them, when its convenient to him.. and yes i do have a key to his house, but i'm STILL not going to just let myself in without permission.

My ex is a twat, but i'm still not going to just demand he stop whatever he is doing and pander to me/our kids demands because i haven't got enough respect for him to make it clear they will have to be patient, because its fucking RUDE to demand another person stop what they're doing to deal with a non-emergency.

I have to deal with him doing what the ExW does in this situation, as i said upthread, that being him messaging me to say "I'll be at yours in 10" to just do something random/drop something around for the kids, without any consideration for what i might be doing, and then scream at/abuses me when i tell him it's not convenient, and then feels he has the right to interrogate me on why i can't drop everything to pander to his immediate demand on my time.

Why the ever living fuck would i do the same to anyone else when i KNOW how horrible it feels to be on the other end of it?

wanting a specific pair of trainers when they already have 2 pairs at home is not a 'difficult' situation. I feel sorry for your kids if you haven't set them up with the emotional fortitude to cope with a mild inconvenience of not getting their own way the moment they demand it.

I would never, ever expect my ex to just stop whatever he was doing if one of the kids wanted something at his house. I would call and ask when it was convenient for them to pop in and get it. Especially if it was something trivial like a pair of trainers.

It's just basic manners really.

Modelling unbalanced and unhealthy boundaries and relationships is not putting your kids first. Showing them that they can disrupt one of their parent's premade plans for something trivial with your full support is not setting a good example.

Some of the responses on here make me see why a lout the women on the step parenting forum are at the end of their tether. This is making me feel very appreciative of the fact that my SCs mum is a reasonable human being!