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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Wife Boundaries

417 replies

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 11:57

My ex wife and I share 50/50 custody of our children. I tend to have them slightly more than that over Christmas and half terms due to her work schedules (I am not complaining about that- any time that I spend with my kids in a gift). The kids spent Christmas with me and returned to her on Boxing Day.
She has started a relationship with another man (the kids were somewhat resistant to this, but I have been as supportive as I can be-he has even thanked me for this).
My boundary on this are that if the kids are with me, I don’t contact her unless absolutely necessary. She has her life to lead.
Yesterday, I received a call saying ‘we are coming over to your house now as he (my son) wants his other pair of trainers’.
I was actually having lunch with a lady that I have begun dating and said that ‘now is not convenient as I have company. Tomorrow will be fine’.
She slammed the phone down and then sent a text saying ‘Don’t bother I am going to buy some new ones’.
I think she is getting too aggressive here and not respecting boundaries. Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Beezknees · 28/12/2023 20:36

Eleganz · 28/12/2023 20:30

I would never, ever expect my ex to just stop whatever he was doing if one of the kids wanted something at his house. I would call and ask when it was convenient for them to pop in and get it. Especially if it was something trivial like a pair of trainers.

It's just basic manners really.

Modelling unbalanced and unhealthy boundaries and relationships is not putting your kids first. Showing them that they can disrupt one of their parent's premade plans for something trivial with your full support is not setting a good example.

Show quote history

And it would be exactly the same in my house. My DS is nearly 16, he has a key to the house, but if he forgot it and wanted something at home and I was out doing something I wouldn't drop my plans to go and let him in. Putting kids first doesn't mean pandering to their every whim.

auntiesatthere · 28/12/2023 20:42

@Eleganz and @Beezknees

Both spot on

There's going to be a whole generation of spoilt brats brought up who have no respect if we aren't careful

Eleganz · 28/12/2023 20:47

auntiesatthere · 28/12/2023 20:42

@Eleganz and @Beezknees

Both spot on

There's going to be a whole generation of spoilt brats brought up who have no respect if we aren't careful

Indeed, and all so some people can weaponise "putting their child first" to intrude and disrupt their ex's lives.

MayThe4th · 28/12/2023 20:50

As usual double standards abound on mn.

if a woman posted here that her eXH was making these kinds of demands, wanting to turn up essentially without notice and then being critical people would be telling her that this is just his way of keeping control.

My ex used to pull this shit. Not only did he turn up with DS but he used the key I’d given him as DS was still too young to have to one to let himself in, and then wandered on upstairs to get what ds wanted. I was there with someone. He knew I had someone staying at the time, he IMO deliberately brought ds round to show him that I was seeing someone else, and then when he got home he rang me and told me that if I didn’t tell DS that I was seeing someone then he would.

The upshot of this was that I had to introduce DS to dp about six months earlier than I would even have considered it. We’d been seeing each other for a matter of weeks at that point. EXH absolutely would have told DS if I hadn’t,
Ultimately I had the last laugh as DS got on fantastically with DP and eXH hated it.
But if we hadn’t stayed together it would have been a different matter.

I would never have stopped ex and DS coming over at any time if they’d needed to. But he knew I would agree if he asked, and that I would have put DP out of sight while we’d only been seeing each other for such a short time, which is why he just turned up and let himself in.

YuleDragon · 28/12/2023 20:50

people who think kids come first every time are raising a bunch of spoiled brats who think their wants/needs trump everyone elses around them.

News flash, they don't.

Learning patience is a vital life skill.

PlantsFallLikeDominoes · 28/12/2023 20:54

Weaponising kids come first is an excellent way to put it.

Catsbreakfast · 28/12/2023 21:29

DisforDarkChocolate · 28/12/2023 12:31

I agree. All the OP had to do was meet them at the door with the trainers.

Show quote history

He offered to do that, but obviously you didn’t want to acknowledge that

Olive19741205 · 28/12/2023 21:39

Summasolstice · 28/12/2023 20:10

But it’s the child’s house.

So does OP have the right to demand to go to the child's mothers house when she's told him it's not a good time? That's the child's house too. I would bet my life that the child wasn't even bothered about the trainers. It was just an excuse for the mother to try and get some info on the date.

HootyMcBoob · 28/12/2023 22:15

YuleDragon · 28/12/2023 20:25

oh piss off, my kids don't need anyone feeling sorry for them thanks.

They're teenagers and understand that if they left something at their dads that i will get it for them, when its convenient to him.. and yes i do have a key to his house, but i'm STILL not going to just let myself in without permission.

My ex is a twat, but i'm still not going to just demand he stop whatever he is doing and pander to me/our kids demands because i haven't got enough respect for him to make it clear they will have to be patient, because its fucking RUDE to demand another person stop what they're doing to deal with a non-emergency.

I have to deal with him doing what the ExW does in this situation, as i said upthread, that being him messaging me to say "I'll be at yours in 10" to just do something random/drop something around for the kids, without any consideration for what i might be doing, and then scream at/abuses me when i tell him it's not convenient, and then feels he has the right to interrogate me on why i can't drop everything to pander to his immediate demand on my time.

Why the ever living fuck would i do the same to anyone else when i KNOW how horrible it feels to be on the other end of it?

wanting a specific pair of trainers when they already have 2 pairs at home is not a 'difficult' situation. I feel sorry for your kids if you haven't set them up with the emotional fortitude to cope with a mild inconvenience of not getting their own way the moment they demand it.

Edited
Show quote history

Brilliant response. 👏👏👏

MeMySonAnd1 · 28/12/2023 22:43

HootyMcBoob · 28/12/2023 22:15

Brilliant response. 👏👏👏

Show quote history

Absolutely true 👏👏👏

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 00:50

So does OP have the right to demand to go to the child's mothers house when she's told him it's not a good time? That's the child's house too

no-one has a right to demand anything. But if the father/ mother were at home and the child wants their own belongings from their own house I’d expect that to be facilitated. I’m in an amenable co-parenting relationship but I feel sorry for a lot of the kids of parents on this thread. Life is hard enough when you have two houses and your parents don’t live together without a lot of the attitude shown here. They’re little kids. Not games to be played

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 00:53

My ex is a twat, but i'm still not going to just demand he stop whatever he is doing and pander to me/our kids demands because i haven't got enough respect for him to make it clear they will have to be patient, because its fucking RUDE to demand another person stop what they're doing to deal with a non-emergency.

I’m sorry you have been so cowered by your ex. They’re your kids. His kids. You’re not pandering to them to let them in their own home. Imagine if this was you/ your home. Some dreadful parents on this thread

Olive19741205 · 29/12/2023 01:34

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 00:53

My ex is a twat, but i'm still not going to just demand he stop whatever he is doing and pander to me/our kids demands because i haven't got enough respect for him to make it clear they will have to be patient, because its fucking RUDE to demand another person stop what they're doing to deal with a non-emergency.

I’m sorry you have been so cowered by your ex. They’re your kids. His kids. You’re not pandering to them to let them in their own home. Imagine if this was you/ your home. Some dreadful parents on this thread

Including you. Terrible that your kids wouldn't cope with being told to wait. And as for the "amicable co-parenting"...I can spot it a mile away, you mean your ex has to placate you.

Olive19741205 · 29/12/2023 01:35

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 00:50

So does OP have the right to demand to go to the child's mothers house when she's told him it's not a good time? That's the child's house too

no-one has a right to demand anything. But if the father/ mother were at home and the child wants their own belongings from their own house I’d expect that to be facilitated. I’m in an amenable co-parenting relationship but I feel sorry for a lot of the kids of parents on this thread. Life is hard enough when you have two houses and your parents don’t live together without a lot of the attitude shown here. They’re little kids. Not games to be played

You'd expect that to be facilitated? After being told it's not a good time? Yep, you're a nightmare ex.

Honeychickpea · 29/12/2023 02:30

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 00:50

So does OP have the right to demand to go to the child's mothers house when she's told him it's not a good time? That's the child's house too

no-one has a right to demand anything. But if the father/ mother were at home and the child wants their own belongings from their own house I’d expect that to be facilitated. I’m in an amenable co-parenting relationship but I feel sorry for a lot of the kids of parents on this thread. Life is hard enough when you have two houses and your parents don’t live together without a lot of the attitude shown here. They’re little kids. Not games to be played

I agree. The mother should stop playing her games. Not beneficial to anyone.

BlueBellsArePretty · 29/12/2023 02:32

As a teacher it is a nightmare dealing the parents who have 50:50 custody of pupils where they're keen to assert their 'boundaries'. The fact it was just trainers is irrelevant, it could be school uniform, homework, exam notes or a PE kit. The fact is that if the parents were together this would not be an issue so why should this organisational responsibility be put on the child's shoulders just because they've chosen to split up? And by the same premise when a person becomes a parent they can't just assume they're entitled to blocked off periods of child free/leisure time regardless of whether they're with the other parent or not.

Original poster
2ChildDad · 29/12/2023 08:10

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 00:50

So does OP have the right to demand to go to the child's mothers house when she's told him it's not a good time? That's the child's house too

no-one has a right to demand anything. But if the father/ mother were at home and the child wants their own belongings from their own house I’d expect that to be facilitated. I’m in an amenable co-parenting relationship but I feel sorry for a lot of the kids of parents on this thread. Life is hard enough when you have two houses and your parents don’t live together without a lot of the attitude shown here. They’re little kids. Not games to be played

I spoke to my son last night by phone. Turns out he didn’t want the trainers and didn’t know anything about it. He said he had other pairs and didn’t need the ones at my house.

OP posts:
Original poster
2ChildDad · 29/12/2023 08:37

GabriellaMontez · 28/12/2023 12:07

Your son wants his trainers... he should be allowed to get them. He's your child. It's his home.

It's hard enough for children when there is a situation like this. This isn't a 'boundary' issue.

I spoke to my son by phone last night and apologised about the trainers. He knew nothing about it. He said he had other pairs and didn’t want the ones from my house.

OP posts:
Needsomesupport84 · 29/12/2023 09:17

Doesn’t surprise me OP. It was never about the kid. With my ex-SIL she uses the kids all the time to get to my DB by inventing reasons why she needs to pop in. The kids don’t give a crap about the toys they’re apparently desperate for and very happily accept the explanation that this toy is at mums house, you can’t have it now. But it’s all about her wanting to control my DB’s life and show his new DP that she’s still around and always will be.

Notimeforidiots69 · 29/12/2023 09:22

Your ex is using your son as an emotional weapon and an excuse to mess up your free time. And I don't care what everyone else says on here, it is your free time, you practise 50/50 parenting, therefore your 50% is your free time! How is that so hard for people on here to comprehend?! If it wasn't structured so and both of you were in and out of each others houses willy nilly, you may as well still be living together!
Good for you not pandering to her demands and stupid behaviour. I know hindsight is a wonderful thing, but it would have been a good move to ask your EW to put your DS on the phone, so that you could "explain" the inconvenience issue to him yourself. He knew nothing about all this, so that would have shown her up for what she is straight away, wouldn't it?! Keep that move in your arsenal in case this crops up again. And lucky for you, I'll let you have that little gem for free!!! 😁 It sounds like you had an awful marriage and a lucky escape. Concentrate on your kids and get on with finding some happiness. Good luck to you love ❤

piscofrisco · 29/12/2023 09:35

It surprises me not at all that the son knew nothing about it. Your instincts were right op. And you will need firm but reasonable boundaries going forwards.

ellie09 · 29/12/2023 09:51

OP I agree with you that it is unreasonable.

Your child has other pairs of shoes in the house. Even if he had asked (I have seen your updates) your ex should have been assertive and told him that you will text to see when is convenient to get them, or that he will need to wait until he is back at your house.

My ex is incredibly overbearing. He calls our child on his breaks every 6pm and becomes increasingly annoyed if I am busy and dont have time to answer. I had to tell him that I will answer if I am not busy and if I am busy, I will not answer. He has child 2 nights a week and child has an app on his phone where they can communicate so I have not cut this off.

He also randomly said at times he would be round in ten mins etc and I have quickly jumped in the car and made myself scarce and told him I wasnt in.

Hell, even my current boyfriend makes plans in advance to come to mine. I would expect any person that does not live in my house to do so, and not drop by on a whim unless its an emergency.

CandyLeBonBon · 29/12/2023 10:23

I spoke to my son by phone last night and apologised about the trainers. He knew nothing about it. He said he had other pairs and didn’t want the ones from my house.

She's a bit unhinged @2ChildDad

Your poor son

YuleDragon · 29/12/2023 10:50

Summasolstice · 29/12/2023 00:53

My ex is a twat, but i'm still not going to just demand he stop whatever he is doing and pander to me/our kids demands because i haven't got enough respect for him to make it clear they will have to be patient, because its fucking RUDE to demand another person stop what they're doing to deal with a non-emergency.

I’m sorry you have been so cowered by your ex. They’re your kids. His kids. You’re not pandering to them to let them in their own home. Imagine if this was you/ your home. Some dreadful parents on this thread

my kids can come and go in and out of the house as they please, my ex cannot, he isn't allowed into my house without being explicitly invited. this is my safe space.

i have not been 'cowered' by my Ex, i'm a DV survivor, and the boundaries i have in place are to keep me safe from further abuse.

If we are in, and they need something, he can drive them over, and they, being both over 15, can come in and get it, and he can wait outside. If its just something they randomly decide they just want that they left here, they can send me a WhatsApp and i'll decide if i have time to drop it over.

The issue here isn't the wanting/needing something, the issue here is an Adult weaponizing a shared child's whims to disrupt their exes day. which is unacceptable.

Beezknees · 29/12/2023 12:03

BlueBellsArePretty · 29/12/2023 02:32

As a teacher it is a nightmare dealing the parents who have 50:50 custody of pupils where they're keen to assert their 'boundaries'. The fact it was just trainers is irrelevant, it could be school uniform, homework, exam notes or a PE kit. The fact is that if the parents were together this would not be an issue so why should this organisational responsibility be put on the child's shoulders just because they've chosen to split up? And by the same premise when a person becomes a parent they can't just assume they're entitled to blocked off periods of child free/leisure time regardless of whether they're with the other parent or not.

Of course it's up to a teen to do their own organising. It's part of teaching them responsibilities. My 15yo is expected to remember to take what he needs when he leaves the house.