How is it possible to find a husband when men treat women so badly?

[GlitterGlobe30]

How is it possible to date a man and get to the stage of getting engaged and married when men treat women so poorly?

Men tell sexist jokes and put women down all the time. They let the woman do all the cleaning and cooking and childcare meanwhile all men do is work. Men watch porn and bring the violent behaviours they watch to the bedroom. Men think they're better than women. Men view us merely as sex objects.

The list goes on and on and I've experienced all these things in my relationships with men. How on earth is it possible to find a man to marry when this is how men treat us?

For people who say this is not all men, I've been dating and in relationships with men for 13 years and yet to date a man who doesn't at least hit one of the points listed above! And that's far too many men whether I'm "picking the right ones" or not.

Thanks in advance for any words of advice - I'm at the end of my tether and starting to plan for being single forever 😕

@PurpleBugz

48/52
Working class - uni - professional class
No outsourcing

Yes mine fits into that age bracket. It’s probably more about upbringing than age though.

I have known shitty men, I've dated them and so have my friends. Some have been unlucky enough to have married/had kids with them.
But I have a great partner who genuinely doesn't do any of those things listed. He's not perfect but he is amazing.

The answer is be picky and take it really slowly. Don't get caught up in romance fantasies and love bombing bullshit.
We have really skewed ideas of what love really is. It's not showy stuff, flowers and gifts. It's not grand gestures.
Really get to know them before thinking about living together, live with them before you marry them/buy a place/have kids.

Protect yourself in case it does go wrong and keep your expectations high.

It doesn't have to be shit and hard.

This.

OP YABVVVU to lump half the adult population together as if they were one being.

None of the men I know through family, hobbies, work or social circle are anything like that. However, I wouldn't start a thread suggesting that from my sample of a few hundred people, that means no man is like that. Because that is just ridiculous.

Never hadan like this before. Never knew them. My husband and all my past lover are good man. Sorry OP for saying this but sometimes women are attracted to ‘these’ kind of man because maybe you feel they are more manly or anything else. Maybe you just not attracted to other type of man. I’m saying this because my sister are like you. Already married twice, all her past lover is same type man. That is because she is attracted to that kind of man. Meanwhile I’m attracted to what my sister called ‘geek’ type of man.

@Femme2804 I'm attracted to geeky men too and that's also worked out really badly for me. I don't think it's restricted to one specific 'type'.

The women I know who think they are married to lovely men really aren't.

They either just don't see it or they tolerate it.

I think if you're not currently single, you have a very different vision of what it's actually like for single women today.

A few years ago, I was a "smug married" woman with a wonderful husband, the complete opposite to what the OP described and we'd been together for a couple of decades. I thought there were lots of decent single men out there and I also thought highly of my friend's husbands.

Unfortunately, my lovely husband died and I became single.

To the posters saying "it's the OP's looks or personality or the people she mixes with causing the problems", I don't think that's the issue.

My profession is related to my looks, so I can assume that my physical appearance is decent, I am well paid, and due to a hefty life assurance payout (which for obvious reasons I'd rather have never received) considered wealthy. I am degree educated, have multiple large social circles, across most social categories and am regularly told that I am "a catch".

So, whenever I am asked if I'm dating, I say that I'm not currently, but would be willing to, so feel free to set me up with any man they know who is single, between 35-55, kind, honest, fun, decent personality, not a smoker. No one has ever been able to suggest a single person they know who fits that description.

What I have had, is friend's husbands give me booty calls (men who I didn't even know had my number and I hadn't even seen since my husband died), men who I thought were "good guys".

I've had a friend's husband who was dispatched to "walk me home safely" try it on with me, despite zero hint of interest from my side.

I've had numerous offers from hitched men to "see to my physical needs", often at gatherings with their wives in the room. And let me reiterate that I have never flirted with a married man and I certainly have never had relations with one, nor would I.

This has been a complete shock and an eye opener to me. Events that I happily attended with my spouse in previous years, I bravely faced single and grieving, only to be offered cock by men who I'd always thought were decent.

And no, I've not said anything to any of the wives because my life as a solo parent is hard enough without risking being ostracised from social groups, but had it not happened to me, I truly wouldn't have believed it.

I mix with other "young widows" and many of them have had similar experiences too.

So to all those saying "not my H or brother or father etc" don't be so sure.

Single women are not treated well by men today and it's really shocking.

You definitely do

This is so sad. My first husband was a wonderful father, worked all day while I stayed home with the children and still helped with cleaning and cooking. He’s gone now, but was a good man. My current DH does virtually all of the housecleaning. He’s kind and thoughtful, fixes things. I chose well both times, maybe because I remembered some advise my mother gave me. She said to watch the way a man treats his mother, because that’s how he will treat women. Maybe not for everyone, but she was right in our cases. And I raised my son to be the same kind of husband as his father was. At 35 he is an accomplished cook, great at housecleaning and will wash clothes but maybe not to great about folding! Please don’t give up. Wonderful men are out there, truly.

100% this - the bar is set very low for men. The slightest effort is applauded. Also, those saying my son, brother, cousins, colleagues, and friends are not like that, can surely see the flaw in that argument? Only those who marry them, will truly know what they are like as a partner, behind closed doors as they say. Obviously women aren't perfect either - however men are much less tolerant, and will look for a replacement.

I don’t know where lots of women meet their men. My friendship group has been stable for over 25 years. Out of around 30 couples, one ended in divorce and that was because the woman had multiple affairs. The men all seem genuinely lovely and I get that we don’t see what goes on behind closed doors, but there is no evidence of anything untoward.

yes I have known many great men who really are not so great

when do you hear women being described as great wives, that they are so good as they are working long hours and are hands on mothers, they have always been faithful or could never be tempted not to be all of the above is celebrated in men 🙄

Or the excuses of made of bad behaviour usually pressure at work. Women are not excused in the same way as men are

And all women are sweetness and light op?

I don’t think anyone is claiming all women are sweetness and light

but men are judged at a far lower level

I can’t imagine any woman being excused for leaving her husband and children because the marriage was so unhappy and being praised for being a good mother for seeing her children once a week can you ? But men routinely are praised for being great dads simply because they do the basic in raising children

Set your bar high. Drop any man immediately if he displays any of these shitty behaviours and move on. It’s better being alone than in a relationship with a cunt.

my DH isn't like this, my father wasn't and nor are my male friends. Men who do behave like this around me get one warning, then they move to the outermost circle of people i have heard of. It's happened once in the past 10 years.

you have to do a lot of weeding/kiss a lot of frogs. But i think part of the problem in meeting the good ones is that the way we meed potential marriageable men has changed over the last 20 years, for the worst.

we're in our 60s. I'm middle class he (was) working class.

We met in the Army - so i was literally surrounded by the kind of men OP described, for a lot of the time. There were good ones (my DH) who called out the crap, there were OK ones who didn't join in but didn't call it out, and the heaving masses of the rest who if they received a "no" to "fancy a shag, luv" replied "you're a fat ugly dyke that looks like a pig in lipstick" and then wondered why and how the first two categories had lots of sex, and the first category had lots of male and female friends.

My DH is as feminist and supportive as they come, at the same time he does man stuff (football, beer, standing in front of the fridge for 20 minutes looking for the butter which is in front of his nose).

But my (came from working class and improved his circs) father was a fabulously supportive feminist man, who would never have said that about himself. so my standards were high to start with

Do you think the issue is that you are choosing the wrong men to date and ignoring early red flags rather than ditching the men you have described? I know there are men like this out there for sure but would not go on a second date with any of them.

The men you describe are nothing like my DH he would be gone and i would be single if he showed any of the traits you’ve mentioned.

Sounds like you need to switch up your 'type'.

Shouldn't the question be why would you want a husband if all the men you know are like this?

Genuinely. If you think they are all shit (and a lot of them are shit), why on earth would you want to marry one?

I know plenty of lovely men and am in a relationship with one and hell would freeze over before I'd get married. Why on God's green earth would you put yourself through it if you don't have any decent ones in your life?

I've seen this too but some just don't know and some just have low standards!

Ah but he’s statistically probably cheating on you while you’re there all smug. Said in jest of course 🙂

This ‘type’ idea is a bit of a red herring.

I could say my ‘type’ is a more handsome than average civil engineer or architect who loves reading, cooking and rugby, treats his Mum well, spends a good chunk of time volunteering, is a feminist, a great host, lots of friends, loves to travel. That’s the kind of man I’m looking for.

But if I’m averagely attractive, over 35, working a low skilled job and living in a deprived former industrial town that’s just not going to happen!

I had no idea there were statistics on the professions more likely to cheat. If that's true, and programmers are high on the list. I will warn him to be wary of me, because I am one too!😁

I always joke that his computer is his first wife. His reply is that my raspberry PIs are my first husbands. He does think I am a computer, but I have programmed him to my liking too. Perhaps we can enjoy a threesome with our jointly owned and maintained home server.