Page 2 | How is it possible to find a husband when men treat women so badly?

GlitterGlobe30 · 2023-12-27T21:56:53+00:00

How is it possible to date a man and get to the stage of getting engaged and married when men treat women so poorly? Men tell sexist jokes and put women down all the time. They let the woman do all the cleaning and cooking and childcare meanwhile all men do is work. Men watch porn and bring the violent behaviours they watch to the bedroom. Men think they're better than women. Men view us merely as sex objects. The list goes on and on and I've experienced all these things in my relationships with men. How on earth is it possible to find a man to marry when this is how men treat us? For people who say this is not all men, I've been dating and in relationships with men for 13 years and yet to date a man who doesn't at least hit one of the points listed above! And that's far too many men whether I'm "picking the right ones" or not. Thanks in advance for any words of advice - I'm at the end of my tether and starting to plan for being single forever 😕

saltinesandcoffeecups · 27/12/2023 22:40

Also…

Men tell sexist jokes and put women down all the time. They let the woman do all the cleaning and cooking and childcare meanwhile all men do is work. Men watch porn and bring the violent behaviours they watch to the bedroom. Men think they're better than women. Men view us merely as sex objects.

This sounds like it was pulled straight from a SM all men are bad post/tweet/manifesto and not from personal experience

Doughnut100 · 27/12/2023 22:41

I sympathise. There are lots of arseholes out there and it’s only getting worse.

however. There are loads of good ones. So I think your odds are off. Start really looking into why you have only been getting the bad ones. Pay loads of money for therapy. (Sorry if that is off key and money is hard but if so then you need to change something so you can get it.) Get a really good therapist and stick with it when it’s really uncomfortable. Work out what is going on that makes you choose / be chosen by the wrong men. Ask the difficult questions and really consider the answers that you don’t want to.

when we think there is something wrong with everyone around us it is usually something in ourselves that’s off. I don’t mean to victim blame but generally that is true.

missmollygreen · 27/12/2023 22:41

Maybe it is a problem with the type of men you are attracted to?

XenoBitch · 27/12/2023 22:43

missmollygreen · 27/12/2023 22:41

Maybe it is a problem with the type of men you are attracted to?

If everyone around you is an asshole then you're the asshole

Porridgeinblankies · 27/12/2023 22:45

saltinesandcoffeecups · 27/12/2023 22:38

Then as my statistics professor would say, you have a problem with your sample.

I’m not being flippant, with that.

Where have you met these men?
What makes them attractive to you to begin with?
What are your values?
Where would men with similar values be?

Show quote history

this OP YABU.
but also... slightly in jest. how to find a husband
find yourself a nice quiet programmer
mine cant cook but cleans (well a little we have a cleaner). does all pet and diy stuff all i do is cook.
not great in the bedroom as first which would turn lots of women off but I took the time to explain and he listened I'd not have any other man now.

I suppose you'll find him too boring though.

Off to cuddle with him now mmm

Kaisamain · 27/12/2023 22:45

I thought I had found a decent man, but I was proven wrong. Sorry op, it’s pretty depressing.

Bendrix · 27/12/2023 22:49

men are intrinsically violent.
That's because for the vast majority of history they have had to hunt and fight and kill other tribesmen for survival. Yes for the most part this has been socialised out of them but its only very recent we expect them to sit in a office and come home and share the house work 50/50.

I really think men are getting a very bad rap at the moment.

I do sometimes think women get very confused about what they want.
I'll be honest I don't want some eastorgenic feminist man. I don't think many women do. I wouldn't be attracted to one.
. Yeh my hubby can't do housework but I can't do his job and earn his salary.
He doesn't put me down. Or watch porn and want to re enact such in the bedroom LOL . None of my friends partners do either . I don't know any men who watch porn!
Childcare well that's just the way the cookie crumbles really. Yeh I probably do more childcare. What can I say

I'm not sure where your meeting these men but sounds like you've had a tough time.
I hope it turns round for you and u find someone nice soon of its what u want.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 27/12/2023 22:50

Porridgeinblankies · 27/12/2023 22:45

this OP YABU.
but also... slightly in jest. how to find a husband
find yourself a nice quiet programmer
mine cant cook but cleans (well a little we have a cleaner). does all pet and diy stuff all i do is cook.
not great in the bedroom as first which would turn lots of women off but I took the time to explain and he listened I'd not have any other man now.

I suppose you'll find him too boring though.

Off to cuddle with him now mmm

Edited

Show quote history

This is adorable 🥰

I dated a few programmers back in my day! To generalize a bit, they were super sweet guys as a rule.

Original poster

GlitterGlobe30 · 27/12/2023 22:52

Bendrix · 27/12/2023 22:49

men are intrinsically violent.
That's because for the vast majority of history they have had to hunt and fight and kill other tribesmen for survival. Yes for the most part this has been socialised out of them but its only very recent we expect them to sit in a office and come home and share the house work 50/50.

I really think men are getting a very bad rap at the moment.

I do sometimes think women get very confused about what they want.
I'll be honest I don't want some eastorgenic feminist man. I don't think many women do. I wouldn't be attracted to one.
. Yeh my hubby can't do housework but I can't do his job and earn his salary.
He doesn't put me down. Or watch porn and want to re enact such in the bedroom LOL . None of my friends partners do either . I don't know any men who watch porn!
Childcare well that's just the way the cookie crumbles really. Yeh I probably do more childcare. What can I say

I'm not sure where your meeting these men but sounds like you've had a tough time.
I hope it turns round for you and u find someone nice soon of its what u want.

Edited

This is a fair comment

OP posts:

Horriblewoman · 27/12/2023 22:53

MotherOfRatios · 27/12/2023 22:34

You'll find a lot of women on here will say that's not the men I know but a lot of people let sexism etc fly over their heads.

Finding a feminist man is hard

Here’s an incredibly representative data pool
of 1. My husband:

actively supports my career, I earn double what he does
is cleaner and tidier than me
adores my family
is an absolute unwavering support as we go through infertility
challenges bad behaviour in other men
Brings women along with him and champions them in his very male dominated world
in his time off is doing as much renovation as possible to avoid us paying for tradespeople
is handsome and hilarious

LaughingCat · 27/12/2023 22:54

First off, I’m sorry you’ve had such a shite time with guys. I’m guessing, if you’ve been dating for 13 years, you’re probably around 30 or maybe a bit younger?

A lot of guys are dickheads when they’re younger, so maybe you’ve had a combo of bad luck and a wider pool of jerks due to age.

Not blaming you in any way at all (because this is going to sound like I am), but you might also want to look at what you’re attracted to and try and work out why. Does this kind of behaviour feel familiar? Were you mistreated maybe when you were younger/brought up to have poor self-esteem that you are bringing with you and repeating in your adult relationships?

There’s so many wonderful, amazing, thoughtful guys out there. They all have their flaws…like we do, too. But there’s usually enough good that you can deal with the bad, and as long as they love and respect you, and show it…you’ll be fine. You’ll find one once you break the cycle of going for dickwads.

MushMonster · 27/12/2023 22:54

The truth is that if the men you find are like this, you are better off single.
There is a lot of shite online these days. That is possibly the cause that masculinity is taking a wrong turn. The only way forward is to reject them till they get the point.

Yolo12345 · 27/12/2023 22:55

You forgot financial abuse...I've lost count of the number of men who casually took advantage or who were happy to let me pay without reciprocating

bozzabollix · 27/12/2023 22:57

I think if someone suffers from poor self esteem inevitably they end up with a complete arsehole. Be single, work through issues and only after feeling content without a bloke have a relationship. If someone raises a red flag you’ll have the self belief to tell them to fuck right off.

hobbitonthehill · 27/12/2023 22:57

Oh get a grip 🙄

EasterIssland · 27/12/2023 22:59

Not all men are the type you’re describing it might be your experience but not every women’s experience

Bendrix · 27/12/2023 22:59

Oh and as for the sexist jokes. Me and hubby love telling sexist jokes , it works both ways. U have to laugh

Yuckyyuckyuckity · 27/12/2023 23:01

Bendrix · 27/12/2023 22:49

men are intrinsically violent.
That's because for the vast majority of history they have had to hunt and fight and kill other tribesmen for survival. Yes for the most part this has been socialised out of them but its only very recent we expect them to sit in a office and come home and share the house work 50/50.

I really think men are getting a very bad rap at the moment.

I do sometimes think women get very confused about what they want.
I'll be honest I don't want some eastorgenic feminist man. I don't think many women do. I wouldn't be attracted to one.
. Yeh my hubby can't do housework but I can't do his job and earn his salary.
He doesn't put me down. Or watch porn and want to re enact such in the bedroom LOL . None of my friends partners do either . I don't know any men who watch porn!
Childcare well that's just the way the cookie crumbles really. Yeh I probably do more childcare. What can I say

I'm not sure where your meeting these men but sounds like you've had a tough time.
I hope it turns round for you and u find someone nice soon of its what u want.

Edited

The last two sentences. Why can't a man be good at both?

By your same sentiment, it's only recently that women are expected to go out and earn money and have as good a career as a man, as for the vast majority of history all they have been expected to do is keep house and raise kids.

Women are expected to be amazing at motherhood AND housework AND their career, and often are. Is the bar so low for men that they can only be expected to be good at one thing, violence?

HRTQueen · 27/12/2023 23:01

Sadly the bar for men is very low women have raised their bar and many men have lowered theirs

and sadly with online dating it’s allowed men to be so flippant they don’t have to improve themselves as there is always a number of other women to date

so many women I know are with men that simply don’t deserve them but they want children they want a family they want a nice home so they compromise

RudolphsFriend · 27/12/2023 23:02

I have experienced similar OP & have concluded the best option is to be single.

Studies have proven that single women are the happiest, followed by: married men, married women & finally single men.

Yuckyyuckyuckity · 27/12/2023 23:03

@Bendrix sorry I think you were editing your thread as I quoted it. By the last two sentences I mean the bit where you said something like you'd rather have someone who isn't a man vagina and can hold his own in a fight, than someone who can clean. Why can't a man be good at both?

Justanything86 · 27/12/2023 23:04

Don't suppose anyone's got some actual advice on where to meet these nice men they know? Every man I ever meet in 'the wild' is paired off and dating apps are soul destroying to say the least

PlayMeOurSongOnGuitar · 27/12/2023 23:05

I know so many shit men, my father and brother included so I get where you’re coming from OP. A friend of mine is doing online dating and the stories she tells are shocking. She constantly asks where all the normal men are. She dated a man from work who seemed very normal and he turned out to be the worst of the lot.

My partner really is lovely though and my friends partners/husbands are too. We all met very young though so we probably shaped them. 😅

My dad and brother used to snigger at my partner for doing the weekly shop, cooking dinner, singing to our kids as babies, crying when our pet died and other stuff like that....apparently that’s not what real men do. 🙄

Keep your bar high, don’t settle. My mum, MIL, SILs all have shit husbands and they’re miserable.

Finlesswonder · 27/12/2023 23:05

I'm not sure we can say "I don't know any men like this" as we don't know what men are like behind closed doors.

I don't THINK I know any men like this...

However I do know a lot of nice, great men who somehow always seem to get their way, dictating eg where the couple live or which side of the family gets more airtime, etc

LaughingCat · 27/12/2023 23:07

Bendrix · 27/12/2023 22:49

men are intrinsically violent.
That's because for the vast majority of history they have had to hunt and fight and kill other tribesmen for survival. Yes for the most part this has been socialised out of them but its only very recent we expect them to sit in a office and come home and share the house work 50/50.

I really think men are getting a very bad rap at the moment.

I do sometimes think women get very confused about what they want.
I'll be honest I don't want some eastorgenic feminist man. I don't think many women do. I wouldn't be attracted to one.
. Yeh my hubby can't do housework but I can't do his job and earn his salary.
He doesn't put me down. Or watch porn and want to re enact such in the bedroom LOL . None of my friends partners do either . I don't know any men who watch porn!
Childcare well that's just the way the cookie crumbles really. Yeh I probably do more childcare. What can I say

I'm not sure where your meeting these men but sounds like you've had a tough time.
I hope it turns round for you and u find someone nice soon of its what u want.

Edited

While I get a lot of your post, @Bendrix , I just want to check…you don’t know any men who watch porn?! I’ve never met a guy who doesn’t, whether friend, colleague or someone I’ve dated! Literally. None. I know a lot of guys who lie and say they don’t to partners etc but none who actually don’t. (I used to work IT tech - I’ve seen the browser histories. I had one guy who even tried to print out screenshots at work after hours because he didn’t want to get caught at home but sent it to the wrong printer - he was 70 ffs 🤣🤣🤣).