How is it possible to find a husband when men treat women so badly?

[GlitterGlobe30]

How is it possible to date a man and get to the stage of getting engaged and married when men treat women so poorly?

Men tell sexist jokes and put women down all the time. They let the woman do all the cleaning and cooking and childcare meanwhile all men do is work. Men watch porn and bring the violent behaviours they watch to the bedroom. Men think they're better than women. Men view us merely as sex objects.

The list goes on and on and I've experienced all these things in my relationships with men. How on earth is it possible to find a man to marry when this is how men treat us?

For people who say this is not all men, I've been dating and in relationships with men for 13 years and yet to date a man who doesn't at least hit one of the points listed above! And that's far too many men whether I'm "picking the right ones" or not.

Thanks in advance for any words of advice - I'm at the end of my tether and starting to plan for being single forever 😕

Where are you meeting these men? I don't disbelieve you, but equally, that has not been my experience at all. Maybe start looking in different places?

I have dated plenty of men and I have never been in a relationship with anyone remotely like that. And if I did meet such men, they certainly wouldn’t get very far with me. DP & I have been together for 20+ years and he is the opposite of the sort of man you describe in every way. I knew this before we got together because we had been good mates for years.

Perhaps you are attracted to the wrong sort of men? Or looking for the wrong things? If arrogant, macho sexist pricks are your ‘type’, that could be part of the problem. My suggestion is that you need to develop a better dickhead filter.

Sorry… I’m a dinosaur 🦖 so I met men in bars, back when that was a socially acceptable pastime.

But weirdly I’ve also met men in grocery stores, political clubs, through friends, and my husband at a parade… so really could be anywhere.

I don’t know where you are finding these men but I don’t know any like that.

Once you’re past about 30 all the good ones who actually want to be married are taken and if you want children the clock is ticking so trial and error isn’t much of an option.

I’ve had my fair share of useless ones too, OP. I have out-earned all of my previous long term partners, which has invariably caused issues. A lot of men in their 30s and 40s say they know that women are equal to them but were more often than not raised in families where their parents, born in the 50s and 60s, held traditional roles, so that’s their role model.

The pool, once you hit about 33, is second time arounders, who may have the complications of existing children, or confirmed bachelors who are 40 and either looking for 27 year olds or hesitant to commit.

Those who are being critical are also assuming OP and others struggling are in large cities with decent populations and/or are educated and in professional careers.

As others have said, women have raised their bars and rightly so. A man said something to me recently which made me think: “it used to be enough that you had a job; now they want you to be able to have deep and meaningfuls and talk to their friends and do housework as well.” 🙄

Not my experience.

You need your change your social circle.

I've just given up. I cba. and tbh I just don't want to deal with the headache of living with someone else at this point of my life. I like living on my own terms too much and not sharing my food

@LaughingCat I agree.

When it comes to porn, there are two types of men ; those who admit they watch it and those who lie about watching it. That’s just a fact of modern life and it’s absurdly naive to think otherwise.

Maybe it would be better if women didn't saddle themselves with husbands.

Although they'll be a few along to say "no my Nigel", observing the marriages around me most men are selfish twats.

Not even modern life. As a kid everyone knew where their dad’s stack of playboys were.

What's stopping OP from moving. She's single and doesn't sound like she has any other commitments.
The last sentence made me laugh. Most of the 'deep and meaningful' people were absolute wankers, same with the loudly proclaimed 'feminists'. Navel gazers who know nothing about real life.

What stood out to me about my H was that in the company of colleagues etc openly joking about women/staring at arses he absolutely refused to participate and walked off. after stating his disapproval. I made friends with him, got myself invited to his family home and once I saw his father lay the table/clean up I knew I'd found myself a winner.

I think you only truly know what someone is like when neither side is expecting anything. With 'dating' there's a tendency to mask and it takes a while for their true colours to be revealed.

I must admit when I was younger I went for the opposite type... back then I'd have ignored my H. Mainly because he's not the type to go around trying to impress women.

My DH jokes about being a trophy husband and married to the big business manager. He’s also in one the most traditional and masculine jobs in the modern world (and at the same time supports women who can do the job).

FTR… we earn about the same but with his pension he’ll out earn me in the long run

@Porridgeinblankies That conversation had me rolling my eyes so hard they almost got stuck!

Current DP and I were friends first. Great conversation is a dealbreaker for me, but he’s still a man’s man in many ways. I just tell him to get on with it without me if it’s anything to do with sports or video games! He’s in his late 30s and was only ready to get involved with someone once he’d done all the travelling he wanted to do but had been upfront about that in the past. He admits that many of his still single friends at this age are still single for a reason!

Anyone in a relationship of 20 years or more met their partner when the world was very different. I sadly believe that porn culture has fundamentally changed how many men see and treat women.

Women have levelled up. Men haven't in the main. They expect what their dads had only they expect women to be equal earners too so women are expected to do the work of three people to have a happy marriage.

Even the nice men I know are casually sexist in a way that makes me do a cartoon double-take but my friends (their wives) either don't notice or pretend not to notice.

It's because you are looking for a husband not just happening to meet someone with common interests and values.
Some women are so desperate for husband and kids they will accept anything.
Society has for too long put a lot of weight on marriage and kids as an important part of life.

Slow news day is it, Daily Fail journo?

I'm with you OP I've had the same experience of men. I thought I found one who was different but as hard times came along it was clear I would be the one sacrificing my ability to work and I would be the one loosing my social life, I'm the one with the mental load of vaccinations buying next size up clothes shoes etc etc. yet he genuinely believes he's an awesome dad because he changed nappies and plays with the kid. My son is disabled and regular childcare can't meet his needs, schools can't meet his needs so LA just haven't given him a school. It was assumed I as mother would give up my life to be a carer. He paid the bills but because he was a high earner and I was not I got no child benefits. Fine when I was able to work but terrible situation once I could not. Childcare cost more than I earn and he earnt too much for me to even get the 15 hours for non disabled toddler. I've never been so poor as I was with that "great guy".

Now I'm single I get child benefits. And child maintenance. Actual support for my disabled son. I feel positively rich even though compared to general population I'm fucking poor.

I'm now resolved to live without a man in my house. I will date maybe but I'm done with equal partnerships that are not equal. Me and my kids first always I won't compromise.

If I had my time again I'd have used a sperm donar. I do everything anyway. Only benefit I've found of a father is the child maintenance but it's not worth it when they undermine your parenting and have equal say in decisions they honestly haven't thought through and won't be facing the day to day consequences of.

My daughter who knows what her father is like and watched my most recent partner dump all child responsibility on me when it got too hard has told me she will just adopt so she doesn't have to have a man. She's young and doesn't understand that's not an easy process but it's her preference already. No man has treated her badly I tell her to expect equality and take nothing less but I'm not doom and gloom I tell her good men are out there. But she's got two homes with lazy selfish dads and the women doing, same dynamic with grandparents and aunts/uncles friends she visits on play dates etc. she can see reality for herself.

I guess good men must be out there. But I think sometimes people think they have a good man until they hit hard times. When I was working and with ex he paid bills and we had equal disposable income. We paid for a cleaner. He would cook and do washing if I asked. Wasn't until someone had to quit work to care for disabled child when I was pregnant with youngest that the inequality came out.

So you'd be really very stupid to want one then?

Not met any men like you describe.

Those who's husbands are good how old are you/them? I have a theory it's the generation ages 40-60 that has the good men. My generation and my parents not so much

Socio economic class would be interesting to know too. I wonder if financial stress and the ability to outsource the home work neither wants to do is relevant

Not true. DH & I are in our 20’s and he is truly amazing. Of our joint friendship group there are 2 other married couples both men in their 20’s and genuinely great husbands.

I do know some fantastic men, but all of them were taken before they were 35 and have stayed taken. I also know a lot of crap men, I’m related to several, who have been married 3-5 times each.

@PurpleBugz I agree! But my career involves a lot of sociological theory so I love to geek out on that kind of data…

This has not been my experience, although I didn’t date that many before marrying. I can say my husband does not one of the things you’ve listed, pretty sure most of the men I know don’t behave like this either.

What is it you look for in a man as you seem to be picking the wrong type? I do have a friend who seems to be only attracted to alpha male types or very good looking men and she’s unsuccessful in relationships. Maybe you have the wrong priorities?