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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does anybody’s husband do any of the work re Christmas and if so what?

199 replies

T1cTacT03 · 27/12/2023 18:30

My dh doesn’t like Christmas and says he’d happily not celebrate it. Ok except our kids( late teens)and family like it so we can’t bail out completely as a family. So I do everything.Buy all the presents, wrap everything, write all the cards( he does the post office drop off because he wfh and I don’t). I do all the food planning, shopping and cooking etc. He completely loses it if I get the slightest bit stressed and says he would happily not celebrate and it’s my choice.

So do other husbands do any of it or is it the norm for husbands to do nothing? Wondering if I would get less stressed or does it not make any difference? I have seriously reduced as much as I can. Very frugal with presents and we don’t do a load of social stuff.

OP posts:

TheGoodEnoughWife · 28/12/2023 11:14

Sounds like a cop out to me too. I take it you don't buy him any presents? What with him happy to not bother.

Also worrying that you aren't allowed to complain. Do you like living like this? Wouldn't be for me.

Bbq1 · 28/12/2023 11:14

Also gets our tree and. decs out of the loft and returns them there after Christmas

luxuria84 · 28/12/2023 11:25

My OH did all the cooking. He also decorated the outside of the house and put up the tree. He sorted and wrapped presents for his mum and dad. He has done smaller shops for booze/bits and bobs of extra food.

I decorated inside the house/tree. Did the big shop and ordered the main food in.

I also did all the shopping for the DC and wrapped everything.

I did most of the cleaning up after Xmas dinner/ other meals etc.

I feel things are fairly well balanced in my house.

qazxc · 28/12/2023 11:28

I do all the presents, decorations/ house prep and cards. He does all the food and clearing up.

Mrsjayy · 28/12/2023 11:30

this year he organised and cooked the food did the dishes helped put the tree up, i bought and wrapped presents .

PandaG · 28/12/2023 11:44

Jointly discuss presents for our dc and both families - he tends to do more of the buying but it's definitely a shared mental load. He usually wraps, I add ribbon and labels and we do it in one evening. We are usually at family for the main meal, but he helps with veg prep and washing up if not the buying and cooking, but we do the food shopping between us throughout the year. I do most of the decorating, but he gets the tree and decs out and set up, leaving me to make it look pretty. I wrote most of the cards this year, but only because I work part time and had chance. I do all the baking and decorating of the cakes, mince pies etc., (daughter will do some if she is home for Christmas in time) but I enjoy it. I made most of the homemade presents for our families, but again I enjoy that.
So a pretty even split when you factor in I work part time and he works full time.

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 28/12/2023 11:54

@T1cTacT03 your DH sounds selfish. If you divorce him he will probably continue to make no effort for your children and family. Does he celebrate birthdays or other occasions?

gabsdot45 · 28/12/2023 11:55

This year DH
Ordered phones for DD and me and set them up.
Wrapped up my phone
Put the Christmas tree together
Helped a little bit with the tidy up after dinner.
That was it.

Aprilx · 28/12/2023 12:00

He buys and wraps all my presents and also organises presents for his own relatives. He did all the food shopping. He cooked breakfast, he prepped the vegetables, we shared cooking dinner. I planned the meals, decorated the trees, laid the table, did most of the general tidy up beforehand.

Codlingmoths · 28/12/2023 12:08

My Dh buys all presents for his side, happy to help out with buying things for my side if he’s at shops etc and I have requests, does a lot of the shopping, the physical work in putting up the tree and decorations. I do more planning, extra baking, more of the kids presents, planning what we cook but if it’s eg salads he’s happy to take the recipe and run out it on the morning. Roughly half the running around each morning before going somewhere, getting the kids dressed and drinks and food packed etc. all the carols, that’s his thing 😁 it’s gotten much more equal over the years.

Myrighteyeball · 28/12/2023 16:10

My DH did fuck all until 3 years ago. He doesn't celebrate Christmas but this had never stopped him from eating all the food I cooked, or drinking the booze I'd got in, or enjoying watching our children open the presents I bought and wrapped, whilst sitting in the clean house I decorated.

Before Christmas 2020 however I absolutely lost my shit and told him I was tired of doing it all. He said he didn't celebrate so shouldn't have to do anything. I pointed out that if he didn't want to celebrate that was fine, but his kids did and he ate all the festive food so he could bloody well help.

He now does about half the present planning and shopping and organises all the gift wrapping (he pays for a wrapping service, which is fine with me). He still doesn't cook but does run to the shops as needed and does all (and I mean all) of the cleaning up. He doesn't decorate but the children (who are the ones who actually care about the house being decorated) are old enough to help.

So the last few Christmases have been much more pleasant for me and I'm not left seething.

CornedBeef451 · 28/12/2023 16:25

DH does the main food shopping and cooks on Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

He does gifts for his family and a few for the DCs.

I do most of the gifts for the DCs, all wrapping, pre Christmas cleaning and organisation. It works out for us.

frentarm · 28/12/2023 16:38

DH ordered the food shop and cooked most of it. We both do a bit of the food prep.
I bought most gifts (all online) and he wrapped most of them.
I book all theatre and experience tickets and we both go with the dcs.
We only send 2 Christmas cards, which I write.
He brought down the Xmas tree and decorations (down 4 flights of stairs) and set it up and decorated it.
He does most of the cleaning up after meals and loading and unloading the dishwasher.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 28/12/2023 17:03

We split it all pretty evenly.

Buy presents together and separately depending on who is where and who spots things in shops.
I probably do more online digging for some presents.
We both plan meals and then he food shops, I cook (mostly - but while I'm cooking, he's entertaining the toddler so not exactly got his feet up).
He buys cards and posts them.
I wrap most things because I enjoy it and he hates it - aside from my gifts, he loves wrapping those.

AllAroundMyCat · 28/12/2023 17:05

My husband does all the present buying, we buy food together and decorate together and I wrap and cook.

Always have done... 33+ years.

Cmonluv · 28/12/2023 17:11

I do most of the gift buying because I enjoy it mainly. He always get a few small meaningful bits and bobs. He buys all the food although we plan the meal together and he cooks Christmas dinner. He does more tree decorating and lights and I do any other house decorating. He makes mincemeat from scratch and mince pies. I buy nostalgic nibbles from childhood.

I fill stockings and give instructions, he buys wrapping paper and wraps presents. I have an Irish coffee for breakfast then he has wine with dinner so one of us is sensible at all times.

Also he hates Christmas about as much as I love it but we're 17 years in and we've found our compromises. He is more into the food of Xmas than me and I'm more into the family and social stuff so we both put effort into bits for each other that we wouldn't on our own. Because that's what you do

venusandmars · 28/12/2023 17:12

@T1cTacT03 you haven't replied so I guess you're not reading. Maybe you are utterly depessed by all the wonderful thing that other people's dh's do?

My dp is not into Christmas. He'd happily have no tree or decorations (most of his family don't) he'd eat anything I made him, he'd be happy if he only had to to buy his family and loved ones a card.

However, he also sees how much it means to others. His dsis loves opening a pile of presents, I love the scent of a real tree, and all the traditions of our long-owned family decorations. Our dc and dgc love the excitement. So he makes the effort to do it. FOR US.

Likewise, I travel with him to sporting events that I have no interest in (just to give him company). We both attend a choir recital (which we detest) because it is important to another family member... To do anything else is pretty selfish.

tigerbear · 28/12/2023 17:16

Mine does pretty much all of the cooking on Christmas Day, including breakfast.
this year, he did bacon sandwiches for breakfast, then lunch of beef wellington and turkey, and all the trimmings, plus a vegetarian option, and made a dessert from scratch.
He’s also done all cooking between now and then.
He did the Christmas food and drink shop, bought the presents for his side of the family, and organised games for Christmas Day.

I did most of the cleaning, tidying, preparing the house for Christmas (tableware, table settings, nice candles etc), making beds ready for house guests, washing up and clearing up etc

We did things like decorating the tree together, and he put up the lights outside.

JudgeJ · 28/12/2023 17:20

Brandyginger · 27/12/2023 21:02

Dh bought all food and cooked for 14. Bought and wrapped all presents for his side of the family. Chose and ordered all the wine. Bought about half the presents for our DC. Put up all big Xmas decs and tree and outdoor lights.

I was pretty busy too, in case anyone is wondering!

Since my OH died I've come to realise that putting up decorations, doing outside lights in the cold and rain and manhandling a 6ft real tree is hard work!
He once said he'd address the cards I was writing but then I had to find and print the labels for him to peel off!

SqueezyMcJingles · 28/12/2023 17:21

He bought some of the gifts, did the food shopping and then cooked Christmas dinner. He always does the assembling of the toys, too.

Ladyj84 · 28/12/2023 17:29

I don't know anyone who does cards anymore. Think that stopped a few years ago in our big family/friend circle..other than that dh helps with everything even cooking

BooksAndHooks · 28/12/2023 17:34

We both buy the presents, he usually wraps more presents than me as he is better at it. Both put up and take down the decorations. Both share the pre-Christmas cleaning.

Christmas dinner is cooked by DH and DB and my Dad washes up.

PeloMom · 28/12/2023 17:35

Mine does quite a bit but he enjoys hosting (we live close to ILs, my family is halfway across the world). He did some of the Xmas food shopping, driving around town to pick up stuff I ordered, some of the cooking, got my gifts, clean up after hosting and a lot of other stuff.

QueSyrahSyrah · 28/12/2023 17:39

He does all the cooking and the majority of the food shopping all year round, including Christmas. He buys and wraps for me and for his family. He would help with the tree if I'd let him

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