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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Took the shine off my Christmas present

364 replies

notdoing · 27/12/2023 09:24

We had and family round for Christmas and Boxing Day and after hosting, finally got round to showing off my gift from DP.

Obviously I was really pleased as it was something I've wanted for a while, not cheap so I hadn't just bought it myself already, and I made that clear. As I'm showing them what I got, my very close friend gets out her phone, searches for the gift and buys herself the exact same thing. It's something you'd wear so I did comment but she made out like it was fine, we won't wear them at the same time etc and I didn't want to ruin the mood.

I just feel like it's not the done thing though and it really took the shine off it for me. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not but just honestly felt a bit gutted 😞

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 27/12/2023 10:38

notdoing · 27/12/2023 10:08

"You’ve still not told anyone what this “not cheap”, mystery item is but have managed to share the fact you have more of a disposable income than said friend. It’s not that deep"

No, not the case at all. I was giving context in that, it's not a cheap pair of gloves or whatever that you'd just pick up without a second thought.

And then I had to clarify that this wasn't a difference in financial circumstances issue because I hadn't made it clear enough and pps were understandably focusing on that.

It's a nice enough thing for everyone I was showing to be saying "oh it's lovely" and passing around to look at. Hence, it felt a bit special, until suddenly it wasn't.

My friend has the same type of dog as me, and we both bought the same dog coat.. [Friday Fox Newmarket wool]...and people in street or on walks stop and ask where it came from..and I tell them!

It doesn't really matter, @notdoing
'Imitation is the greatest form of flattery'
If clothing, it makes a huge difference as to WHOM is wearing it.

Ditto jewellery and bags.

nutster · 27/12/2023 10:39

obviously a very very close best friend to be spending christmas day together

is this completely out of character?

or in line with past behaviour?

ALunchbox · 27/12/2023 10:39

Is the item supposed to be unique / one of X exemplars? If so, I see why you would feel annoyed. If it isn't, I couldn't get worked up about it. Everyone wears the same variations of shoes/trousers/dresses/tops. I mean, how often are you stopped in your tracks blown away by how original one person's attire is?

rainbowstardrops · 27/12/2023 10:42

I'm wondering if it's a distinctive looking coat and that would look a bit odd if OP and her friend rocked up to a bar both wearing one.
If it's a designer bag that's just neutral and doesn't stand out then it's not so bad.
Still bloody weird to whip your phone out and order one right in front of people though!
I wonder if she's jealous that she didn't get a beautiful, lovely gift? What is she usually like?

JaneAustensHeroine · 27/12/2023 10:42

Unless it was a personally commissioned piece of clothing, jewellery or art I really wouldn’t be bothered by this. As previous posters have said, items are mass produced and therefore unless it has been designed especially for you I would find it ok.

It is a little gauche to order it in front of you but clearly she thinks you have the kind of friendship where you can be that open and transparent. And it is probably better than finding out at a later date when she wears it in front of you. Perhaps in that situation I might have asked you if you would mind me ordering one for myself as I like it so much.

I think her actions show you have a comfortable friendship and that is something to be valued.

Ulysees · 27/12/2023 10:43

If she's usually ok I would just let it go . But I'm the sort who would have said something at the time and my friends wouldn't do that. They're grown ups.

Luckynumbereight · 27/12/2023 10:44

I perfectly understand how you feel, OP. I would have been miffed as well.

Your title says it all and is perfectly correct - she DID try to take the shine off your gift and 100% succeeded.

I’d be careful around this one.

TitaniasAss · 27/12/2023 10:45

Calabou · 27/12/2023 10:32

Is it? A coworker asked where I got my trousers (we're both tall and like certain styles) and I sent her the link to the exact item. I didn't sit with a face on when she wore them to work, I thought it was nice someone else thought my clothes looked good and that she now has somewhere else to find clothes that won't be far too short on her.
It's odd to assume that anyone who asks where a friend got something and buys it is "13". The OP, if she isn't a remote worker, may well come across various colleagues and clients/customers wearing the exact same item.

Show quote history

The situation is completely different and I think that's quite obvious. Perhaps my post wasn't very clear.

I've also sent links to friends for clothes they've liked, but buying the same pair of box standard trousers is, in my view, very different from immediately whipping your phone out at Christmas and ordering something that a friend received as a special gift. I wouldn't do that to a friend as I think it's unkind (and childish) behaviour. You do not, and that's fine.

Stompythedinosaur · 27/12/2023 10:46

I couldn't get upset about this. Surely you aren't expecting to be the only person allowed to own this item? That would be crazy!

GustyFinknottle · 27/12/2023 10:47

As I'm showing them what I got, my very close friend gets out her phone, searches for the gift and buys herself the exact same thing.

YNBU, OP — that's really, really bad manners and I can't understand why so many PP don't see it. It's a crass, shitty thing to do. You had been given something that felt very special to you and she has nicked your delight. Poor you. You need friends with better manners and social skills.

I've occasionally coveted something that a friend has bought or been given but I would never just go and buy a duplicate unless it's something like a piece of equipment — a kitchen appliance, say. And even then I'd say 'I'm going to buy one of those for myself, as you've recommended it so highly' and see what they say. But if it's something like a wonderful new coat or a designer top or jewellery or some delicious boots, then I'd wait a bit to give the friend the pleasure of showing them off and then talk to them about it. 'I love your boots so much, you look so good in them. I don't want to alienate you by being a copycat. Would it upset you if I bought a pair very like them?' That's the way to do it.

You can get your back on her by saying 'Ah, look, you're wearing my copycat boots/ coat/ necklace' loudly for everyone to hear every time she turns up wearing the item.

Rachie1973 · 27/12/2023 10:47

notdoing · 27/12/2023 10:15

"What is the gift?"

Sorry, I don't want to say. She uses MN occasionally and as pps have said, it's not worth falling out about. I do think she'd make a big thing about me having shared this on here even though it's completely anonymous.

I suppose I need to consider why that is, just like I'm wondering why she ordered herself the same thing there and then, despite others in the room being a bit taken aback and saying as much at the time.

The fact is, it's not something either of us would just buy every day, it was special enough that I went and got it to show them and they wanted to see. She also apparently agreed it would be odd if we wore it at the same time.

I think that ship has sailed to be honest. If she sees this thread it’s quite obvious

Kaleidoscopeofbutterflies · 27/12/2023 10:50

I'm with you OP .. would annoy me.. actually it would upset me and take the pleasure out of it.
I think it was mean and cruel.
And why not show gifts off.. to your Mum etc.. some very negative people on here.

Shinealight9 · 27/12/2023 10:50

notdoing · 27/12/2023 09:52

Maybe it's not that deep then but now do I need to check if she's wearing hers before we go anywhere? Or do you often see people wearing identical coats/shoes/bags?

It was definitely rude but I wouldn't fall out over it unless this type of behaviour became perpetual. Friendship shouldn't be about causing hurt.

BlazingWorld · 27/12/2023 10:50

notdoing · 27/12/2023 09:52

Maybe it's not that deep then but now do I need to check if she's wearing hers before we go anywhere? Or do you often see people wearing identical coats/shoes/bags?

I can honestly say I wouldn’t notice at all if someone had the same shoes or bag as someone else. And if someone had the same coat I would possibly notice, if it was distinctive, but not have any thoughts about it. I’ve actually bought friends things that I already own in the past, because I like them, so I assume/ hope they like them too. Although I am now reminded of Friends “we’ll be bracelet buddies!” Grin

Original poster
notdoing · 27/12/2023 10:51

"Surely you aren't expecting to be the only person allowed to own this item? That would be crazy!"

No, of course not. But there's a little more context to this situation as I've tried to explain.

OP posts:
Icantbedoingwithit · 27/12/2023 10:51

I don’t get all the angst! She thought your present was so cool she wanted one too. You had it first, she was influenced and got herself one. Big deal. Seriously how this would take the shine off yours is beyond me, in fact I would see it as the opposite. You don’t have the monopoly on an item. If she was able to log on and buy one on Christmas day it cannot be that exclusive or “one off”. She saw something her friend got for Christmas and was really impressed with it so wanted one herself. I would take it as a compliment instead of being miffed that your gift had now lost it’s shine. That’s terribly childish.

Fraaahnces · 27/12/2023 10:51

It’s a bit single white female, tbh…

Gardeningtime · 27/12/2023 10:52

You can get your back on her by saying 'Ah, look, you're wearing my copycat boots/ coat/ necklace' loudly for everyone to hear every time she turns up wearing the item.

this will only make you look bad.

ChedderGorgeous · 27/12/2023 10:52

Is the hobby cycling ?

Lavenderflower · 27/12/2023 10:55

It depends on what the gift was? For the most part I couldn't care less if a friend ordered the same thing as me.

Paperbagsaremine · 27/12/2023 10:55

ErrolTheRednosedDragon · 27/12/2023 09:50

I know they say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but I agree with the OP that this was tactless of her friend, and 'not the done thing'.

Yeah, I have the tact and social refinement of a Boxer puppy, but even I would have had the wit to do that out of sight of my friend whose special present it was !

GustyFinknottle · 27/12/2023 10:56

this will only make you look bad.

@Gardeningtime Why would OP care when her 'friend' has behaved so crassly?

Of course it needs to be said with a tinkly laugh so that the friend can't possibly take it as anything other than a humorous remark. People are asking the OP to suck up her hurt: let the 'friend' do likewise.

pizzaHeart · 27/12/2023 10:57

It’s very weird and annoying behaviour on her side. And I completely understand why you are upset.
I think going home and buying the same thing would be bad enough but literally sitting in front of you and buying was very rude.
I think she is a jealous person especially of you and that’s why she’s done it. Something for you to be aware of. I wouldn’t quarrel with her straight away because of this but I wouldn’t show her gifts anymore or tell her what you are going to buy or where you are going to go etc.
Your present still trump hers over 100% because it was your DH who was thoughtful and caring enough to buy you this thing. So wear it with pride and don’t care what she does.

MILTOBE · 27/12/2023 10:59

This is making me think of the time-share leather trousers Luke wore in Rachel's Holiday. Couldn't your friend at least have bought the same item in a different colour?

RandomButtons · 27/12/2023 10:59

Yes she was crass to do that, literally pissing on your parade.

It would be totally different if she’d ordered it not in front of you, or got something similar. But to declare she’s ordered the exact same thing right then and there is odd.

What’s your friendship like otherwise? Is it pretty healthy- then I’d ignore and get over it.

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