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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL keeping BIL away from family

378 replies

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 05:55

So nc for this and apologies if its long and or confusing. My DH has three brothers, all fairly close in age and live locally. One of his brothers is with his wife a long time and they have teenage kids. A few years ago his wife had an affair but he stayed with her. Since then myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt by what she did and my previous husband cheated on me so it brought back bad memories. She did have some relationship with other family members but nothing really now.

My problem is over the last couple of years BIL has pulled away from all of his family. They no longer attend any important family gatherings, birthdays, funerals etc but this was the first year BIL and their DC did not visit PIL on Christmas night. He visited it earlier in the day with them. SIL hasn't visited at Christmas since the affair.

I get on with my other BILs and SIL and we are angry that BIL is choosing to do this. Being honest we don't really want a relationship with SIL but it looks like in order to have BIL in our lives he comes as a package deal. How can we navigate this? Do we just suck it up and get on with her for BIL, although I don't think I could be that fake to somebody I actually despise.

This is a very short version. Its going on seven years now.

OP posts:
ElevenSeven · 27/12/2023 05:58

Did you think when you all cut her out, that he would just leave her at home and see you independently?

That doesn’t really happen. That’s why most of us put up with one or more in-laws we don’t really like; to keep the relationship with the relative we do like.

oneflewoverthe · 27/12/2023 06:00

I don't blame him tbh. You shouldn't have cut her off if he chose to forgive her. People usually put up with unpleasant in laws to make life easier and keep in touch with the other family member

DinkyDonkey2018 · 27/12/2023 06:04

By not talking to SIL, you've pushed BIL away and isolated him. If you want a relationship with BIL and his kids, you need to suck it up and be cordial with his wife and accept that he's decided to forgive her and move on with their marriage.

You don't get to cut his wife out and then be mad that he's not as involved as you'd like. It doesn't work like that.

IDontDrinkTea · 27/12/2023 06:06

I don’t blame him tbh. You’re rude to his wife and judging his life choices for choosing to stay with her. I can’t imagine he does fancy popping round for a cosy family Christmas with relatives like that

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 27/12/2023 06:06

So silly made a mistake. She was forgiven. It's the ups and downs of being Inca relationship

It survived. You are all a judgey bunch to freeze her out. I don't blame them for swerving you all

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/12/2023 06:07

They decided to stay together, from then on in you accept them as a family or accept you won't see him much.

She's not keeping him away, you are.

SD1978 · 27/12/2023 06:09

They made their decision to stay together. You made it obvious you disapprove, as did other members of his family. He has therefore had to cut you out because you are disrespectful to his wife and his relationship. Don't see where he had much choice.

ShippingNews · 27/12/2023 06:10

myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt by what she did . Sorry but I can't work out why YOU were hurt by what she did - nothing to do with you.

I don't blame your brother. You sound horrible.

seven201 · 27/12/2023 06:14

You need to invite them out somewhere. Do it for BIL. Poor BIL

SharedAccountWithMySister · 27/12/2023 06:15

Congratulations for making her affair all about you! Bravo.

Step5678 · 27/12/2023 06:20

As others have said, none of your business OP. It's up to BIL whether he continues his relationship or not and his family refusing to speak to his wife will only isolate him further.

It sounds horribly toxic that his family are bonding over the common enemy of hating his wife, no wonder he is keeping his distance.

Also, unless you know everything about the inner workings of their relationship (which of course, you don't) you are in no position to judge why she did what she did

LemonLight · 27/12/2023 06:20

It's self absorbed to make their relationship all about you and your hurt feelings. Of course you're going to lose your relationship with your BIL if you decide to cut out his wife who HE DECIDED to stay with, that's his decision and between them. Cheating is not okay, but you need to support your BIL if you want a relationship, not alienate his choices.

Original poster
AIB78 · 27/12/2023 06:21

We have previously invited them to a couple of family events in our home but they refused as BIL said SIL wasn't comfortable going to our home when we don't speak to her. PIL are getting older now and dont think it's fair on them. BIL has previously attended a couple of things without SIL, mainly stuff for his parents but leaves early. I dont even know how SIL feels about it all. Without being too outing she always had a lot of time for my DC and would regularly have them over for hours at a time/sleepover etc as they were close in age to her kids. This hasn't happened much in the last year though. Could be just kids getting older though.

OP posts:
oneflewoverthe · 27/12/2023 06:22

This rift is the fault of your side of the family. No wonder they are pulling away if you're all too selfish and immature to speak to her. It's not about your feelings.

LemonLight · 27/12/2023 06:24

SIL wasn't comfortable going to our home when we don't speak to her.

What a shock.

Alohapotato · 27/12/2023 06:24

I don't understand why you make her affair about you, she did something wrong but he decided to forgive her. Why can't you? Or at least be polite with her so they both feel enough comfortable in your presence.

DinkyDonkey2018 · 27/12/2023 06:25

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 06:21

We have previously invited them to a couple of family events in our home but they refused as BIL said SIL wasn't comfortable going to our home when we don't speak to her. PIL are getting older now and dont think it's fair on them. BIL has previously attended a couple of things without SIL, mainly stuff for his parents but leaves early. I dont even know how SIL feels about it all. Without being too outing she always had a lot of time for my DC and would regularly have them over for hours at a time/sleepover etc as they were close in age to her kids. This hasn't happened much in the last year though. Could be just kids getting older though.

Again, you've created this bad feeling. Who in their right mind would want to go to someone's house when no-one speaks to them? I'm sure there is an element of shame for SIL, but you've made this all about you, and unfortunately, the consequence is your BIL keeping you all at arms length.

Shoxfordian · 27/12/2023 06:25

If bil can forgive her then you all certainly can, you're causing this problem

She didn't cheat on you

oneflewoverthe · 27/12/2023 06:26

I think the damage is done tbh.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 27/12/2023 06:26

I don't blame her, you all sound vile to her. It was up to BIL whether the marriage continued, he chose to continue with it but you didn't support him and blank his wife. I'm amazed he has any relationship with his parents or siblings after that.

festivepains · 27/12/2023 06:27

This is what you all wanted though. You can't pick and choose family and expect their spouses to be happy with this.

PIL are getting older now and dont think it's fair on them. BIL has previously attended a couple of things without SIL, mainly stuff for his parents but leaves early BIL is doing his best. If you all wanted the big happy family you shouldn't have ostracised one of it's members. Yes she cheated but they have spent years rebuilding their relationship. You clearly think you're better than her. You can't put this on her though it's on you.

If you want it to change you'll have to be open, apologise and see if she wants to rebuild a relationship or not.

feathermucker · 27/12/2023 06:28

She isn't keeping him away. You are.........by your actions. He's decided to stay with her so you either have to suck it up or lose the relationship with BIL. The affair is in the past. If he, as her husband, can move past it then surely you can?!

Jantlet · 27/12/2023 06:28

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 06:21

We have previously invited them to a couple of family events in our home but they refused as BIL said SIL wasn't comfortable going to our home when we don't speak to her. PIL are getting older now and dont think it's fair on them. BIL has previously attended a couple of things without SIL, mainly stuff for his parents but leaves early. I dont even know how SIL feels about it all. Without being too outing she always had a lot of time for my DC and would regularly have them over for hours at a time/sleepover etc as they were close in age to her kids. This hasn't happened much in the last year though. Could be just kids getting older though.

You just don’t get it do you?

Sounds like you are leading the charge here. Likely at least some of the family would prefer to have carried on as normal (i.e. kept their beaks out) but you’ve taken a stand and now they’ve all been dragged into it.

You’ve done your BIL & SIL a favour - their lives are better without you.

LadyScarlett · 27/12/2023 06:28

Her affair is nothing to do with you. If they, as a couple, have chosen to move on from this why are you behaving like this? You've decided to openly shun your sister in law and yet you expect her husband to be fine with that. You are your own problem here.

MarleyandMarleyWoooo · 27/12/2023 06:29

Are you a bit hard of thinking? You can’t complain that someone doesn’t want to spend time with you when you completely ignore their existence! It wasn’t you she cheated on and it wasn’t your marriage, but you’ve made your choice. You can’t have everything your own way.