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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL keeping BIL away from family

378 replies

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 05:55

So nc for this and apologies if its long and or confusing. My DH has three brothers, all fairly close in age and live locally. One of his brothers is with his wife a long time and they have teenage kids. A few years ago his wife had an affair but he stayed with her. Since then myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt by what she did and my previous husband cheated on me so it brought back bad memories. She did have some relationship with other family members but nothing really now.

My problem is over the last couple of years BIL has pulled away from all of his family. They no longer attend any important family gatherings, birthdays, funerals etc but this was the first year BIL and their DC did not visit PIL on Christmas night. He visited it earlier in the day with them. SIL hasn't visited at Christmas since the affair.

I get on with my other BILs and SIL and we are angry that BIL is choosing to do this. Being honest we don't really want a relationship with SIL but it looks like in order to have BIL in our lives he comes as a package deal. How can we navigate this? Do we just suck it up and get on with her for BIL, although I don't think I could be that fake to somebody I actually despise.

This is a very short version. Its going on seven years now.

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 27/12/2023 06:31

Poor SIL . She made a mistake and you are all treating her like a leper . Poor BIL too. When you are all ignoring her you are also hurting him ,I can’t believe you can’t see that. It is also none of your business what they do, and I don’t know why you would be so hurt about it. If he could accept it, and move on, and get back with her, I don’t know why you all had to ignore her. So I guess you are reaping what you sow.

JurassicFantastic · 27/12/2023 06:31

This has to be a reverse surely?

Nobody could be so emotionally illiterate as to say they won't talk to their SIL but wonder why her and her family don't meet up with them - for her to be ignored - and why SIL doesn't have the kids round any more?

Grumpynan · 27/12/2023 06:35

Well I’m sorry, but this is down to the family to sort out, he took her back and in doing so lost his family in what way was it anything todo with them. He needed their support not judgement.

the only way out of this mess is for the family to grovel, I know none of you want to hear it but that’s the simple fact.

if it was me , I would put on my big girl pants, and go round there with DH and a cake/cookies anything to keep your hands busy and you can have with the cup of tea she will hopefully offer.

remember you/the family have let this get to this offer a period of time, it will take more than one visit and cake to fix, but it might be a start

stepintochristmas1 · 27/12/2023 06:36

A whole family can't be this stupid . This can't be real .

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2023 06:37

If there is any chance of getting past this, you’re going to have to seriously apologise and make amends to her; well, them all as this is not just about her ,but about her kids as well, who’ve also been ostracised by the sound of it. It sounds as though put yourself left, right and centre in her family business. Her affair was not about you.

Even as a teen, I realised my neighbour was making a mistake not accepting his son in law back in the fold. That caused a rift, which took over a decade to remotely heal.

Is this what you want for your pil as your actions are fuelling this?

momonpurpose · 27/12/2023 06:37

Has to be a reverse

quisensoucie · 27/12/2023 06:42

This thread didn"t quite go the way OP wanted

JWhipple · 27/12/2023 06:45

"it's been going on for seven years"

I don't know why your BIL wouldn't want to spend time with people who remind him of that time his wife had an affair seven years ago. He sounds unhinged

Sarcasm. In case that wasn't obvious

Original poster
AIB78 · 27/12/2023 06:46

It's not a reverse. We have seen PIL everyday since Christmas Eve and I think they are hurt that this is the first Christmas their son didn't visit on Christmas night with the kids. There has been a lot of damage done over the last few years and I honestly wouldn't know how to start to repair it or how open SIL would be. She has never reached out since it all happened. We don't have her phone number and she's not on any social media. She doesn't visit PIL so no chance of bumping into her. I also don't know if I want to open up a can of worms. Other SIL and BIL are not bothered about a relationship with her. They would chat if they met her out and about but no other contact. Probably about two years since they spoke but haven't fallen out if that makes sense.

OP posts:
TortoisePlayingMinecraft · 27/12/2023 06:52

I think people are being really harsh to you here. It's easy to see how you could have your SIL for hurting your BIL and risking breaking their family up. What people are saying is true though, you have to forgive and move on to get them all back. Maybe your DH can start by reaching out to his brother and asking how you can try and repair things with both of them. After so many years it's going to be difficult.

IDontDrinkTea · 27/12/2023 06:53

She has never reached out since it all happened.

Why would she?! You’ve all horrendously overstepped the mark in assuming the affair is anything to do with you.

You need to make the effort yourself, and humbly apologise for your rude and self-centred behaviour and hope she can forgive you

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/12/2023 06:53

All SIL had to do was repair the relationship with her husband and any impact on their children.

You are the ones who need to repair the relationship with her.

Unescorted · 27/12/2023 06:56

By not talking to your sil you are saying to your bil that you think his judgement sucks. He has chosen to forgive her and move on yet the rest of his family for their own reasons have not.

This is not about you -yes in similar circumstances you chose a different path to your bil but that is your choice. Him choosing to forgive his wife does not invalidate your choice. You and his family need to respect his choice and stop giving her the silent treatment.

Finlesswonder · 27/12/2023 06:58

You sound nasty and like you think you're the golden DIL

BubziOwl · 27/12/2023 06:59

So you've, in your words, despised your SIL for seven years and excludes her, because for some reason you think her cheating on her husband has something to do with you.

Now in the next breath, you're wondering why she doesn't take your children for sleepovers anymore? Really?

nottaotter · 27/12/2023 07:00

Im sure you havent lived your life perfectly, what if Sil decided not to speak to you because of something you did in your life a few years ago?
I don't think any of us have the right to judge others, a couples relationship is their business and if he forgives her or not its really nothing to do with you.

PegasusReturns · 27/12/2023 07:02

Most people will chose not to spend time in the houses of those who refuse to speak to them.

This should not be surprising to you.

it’s that simple

LadyScarlett · 27/12/2023 07:02

You're all essentially paying the price for your behaviour.

rwalker · 27/12/2023 07:02

You need to respect BIL choices doesn’t mean you have to approve of them

take this as a wake up call to sort this

I think u need to reach out to her to sort this

there’s no need to be best friends
you could write to her saying you’d like to sort this and put the past behind you
and apologise for the way you have handled this

Redburnett · 27/12/2023 07:04

It is not your problem and you cannot solve it, not sure why you want to. BIL is an adult making his own choices, whether you think they are the right ones or not. I cannot understand why you would expect him to visit PIL twice in one day. You need to accept the situation (Bil's choices) instead of stressing about changing something you have no control over.

Redglitter · 27/12/2023 07:05

We don't have her phone number and she's not on any social media. She doesn't visit PIL so no chance of bumping into her

Another poor excuse. You contact your brother, so he's your means of contacting her. You contact him and explain you want to repair your relationship and invite them round or out for dinner/drinks

Your SIL isn't keeping him away from your family. Your families dreadful behaviour is doing that.

Hes chosen to forgive her & move on, ofcourse his loyalties lie with her.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/12/2023 07:06

Why are you angry with her for him choosing to visit his parents with his DC on Christmas Day? He's done his duty visit (and got it out of the way earlier, probably to avoid you).

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2023 07:07

Redburnett · 27/12/2023 07:04

It is not your problem and you cannot solve it, not sure why you want to. BIL is an adult making his own choices, whether you think they are the right ones or not. I cannot understand why you would expect him to visit PIL twice in one day. You need to accept the situation (Bil's choices) instead of stressing about changing something you have no control over.

Hard disagree.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2023 07:11

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 06:46

It's not a reverse. We have seen PIL everyday since Christmas Eve and I think they are hurt that this is the first Christmas their son didn't visit on Christmas night with the kids. There has been a lot of damage done over the last few years and I honestly wouldn't know how to start to repair it or how open SIL would be. She has never reached out since it all happened. We don't have her phone number and she's not on any social media. She doesn't visit PIL so no chance of bumping into her. I also don't know if I want to open up a can of worms. Other SIL and BIL are not bothered about a relationship with her. They would chat if they met her out and about but no other contact. Probably about two years since they spoke but haven't fallen out if that makes sense.

That reads as a lot of excuses.

What are you hoping to get from this thread op?

You are expecting your bil change his behaviour (ditto his wife) when in the same breath not putting the expectation on yourself to do the same.

Past behaviour is a pretty good predictor of future behaviour and if you do nothing to change this, it’s highly predictable nothing will change.

Rewis · 27/12/2023 07:16

How was PIL and extended family's relationship with SIL before the cheating? When the cheating came about was it sorted between SIL and her husband or did other family members get involved?