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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL keeping BIL away from family

378 replies

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 05:55

So nc for this and apologies if its long and or confusing. My DH has three brothers, all fairly close in age and live locally. One of his brothers is with his wife a long time and they have teenage kids. A few years ago his wife had an affair but he stayed with her. Since then myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt by what she did and my previous husband cheated on me so it brought back bad memories. She did have some relationship with other family members but nothing really now.

My problem is over the last couple of years BIL has pulled away from all of his family. They no longer attend any important family gatherings, birthdays, funerals etc but this was the first year BIL and their DC did not visit PIL on Christmas night. He visited it earlier in the day with them. SIL hasn't visited at Christmas since the affair.

I get on with my other BILs and SIL and we are angry that BIL is choosing to do this. Being honest we don't really want a relationship with SIL but it looks like in order to have BIL in our lives he comes as a package deal. How can we navigate this? Do we just suck it up and get on with her for BIL, although I don't think I could be that fake to somebody I actually despise.

This is a very short version. Its going on seven years now.

OP posts:
Zombiemum1946 · 27/12/2023 15:06

Time this was turned around by not freezing her out for something that's nothing to do with any of you. BIL clearly loves her and she has every right not to attend functions where she's treated as the family pariah. None of us are perfect and affairs happen. You don't know what the marriage was like being closed doors. They say there's always one family member that's targeted and it sounds like you've all decided she's it.

Dontbehorridhenry · 27/12/2023 15:13

In the nicest possible way, you're making her affair about you. You're not sure if you're ready... its seems very over the top and weird. If he's come to terms with it after 7years and moved on I'm not surprised he wants to stay away from people that, kindly, are still talking about it with PIL and making it about themselves. Just invite them over and move on like he has.

DriftingDora · 27/12/2023 16:03

AngelAurora · 27/12/2023 12:55

Jesus Christ this is either a wind up or the OP is genuinely dense.

I think your second conclusion's correct.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 27/12/2023 17:15

This is why you shouldn't take sides in a lover's tiff. No matter how big or small.
It's easy to judge but you have no idea what she was going through to do what she did.
He chose to forgive her and that's where it should have ended for everyone else too.
Even if you didn't agree, it's better to be accepting so if she does it again, BIL can feel supported in coming to you instead of fearing an I told you so.

How do you know FIL or MIL never cheated on each other, or if your DH might one day.

The sort of things have a way of teaching us that were no better than the people we judge.

Accept her as your BIL has accepted her.
Talking about her with your inlays isn't great and you wouldn't like it if the tables were turned. .
Life is full of ups and downs OP, learn not to judge.

Plinkplonkplink · 27/12/2023 17:19

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 07:32

About two years after her affair myself and DH were coming around to the idea of sorting things out, we had been talking to MIL about it a lot. Something happened though that made me change my mind, nothing serious, just confirmed I wasn't ready. If I'm honest don't even know if I'm ready now.

You need therapy. This is all about you and nothing to do with your sil. I feel very sorry for her being put in this situation. I hope her and your bil manage to get away from this toxic situation and I hope you get help.

mbosnz · 27/12/2023 17:23

I wouldn't want anything to do with you either - not if I were the BIL or the SIL.

This is not your business. This is not about you. This is their business. This is about them.

I cannot fathom why you think that a person would be willing to be around people that treat them like shit - e.g. giving them the silent treatment, or would be okay with their wife being treated like shit, e.g. giving them the silent treatment.

If you're not ready to move on - well, they are. It looks like they can live their lives very happily with minimal contact with The Family. If that is upsetting for The Family, well, The Family might need to be pragmatic, pull their horns in, put up, and shut up.

You get to have your feelings and opinions, and actions. So do they. It looks like they can get on with life despite all The Family's huffing, puffing, sulking and judgment, and just limit contact, more and more. The Family cannot force them to turn back time, change history, or accept The Family's behaviour towards them.

Hygeelady · 27/12/2023 17:36

I think you've been completely out of order.
He chose to forgive her so you must accept that and you have no idea what was going on in their relationship at this time. You are the ones that have caused the rift, let it go whether you agree or not. I've seen this with friends where they fall out and gossip parts of the story they want people to know to Shame and blame the other then they make up and the family can't move on...

Levo · 27/12/2023 17:56

SIL is not "keeping BIL away from family" he is, quite rightly, standing by his wife and has her back and that is what's sticking in your craw. It sounds like you would love nothing more than to have BIL and the kids on Christmas night having a big family fun filled time rubbing your hands in glee that she was sitting home alone ...... nasty!

You despise her but can't understand why she isn't having your kid for a sleepover .... this can't be for real.

OhmygodDont · 27/12/2023 18:43

Yes it’s always the nasty married in women controlling these men who have no thoughts or will of their own. Isn’t it.

GothConversionTherapy · 27/12/2023 18:45

adultchildofalcoholicparents · 27/12/2023 12:11

For anyone wondering how long this can go on for…In my family, there are people who've been ostracised for 30 yrs+ (nobody can really say why). In previous generations, there have been couples who didn't exchange a direct word for 50 years (they communicated through their young children, even at the dinner table, "Tell your mother/father" - even as the children sat through this with tears tripping down their faces).

There are younger splits but the factor they have in common is people holding a grudge, across generations without actually knowing why but determined that it has to be maintained for consistency or it's all been a bit absurd.

I wonder how many generations the OP would like this to continue for? Is it to be a stipulation left in a will?

Your behaviour has really crossed the line into ridiculous, you people are crazy. I'm surprised you haven't hung a big red A around her neck, although you have metaphorically.

momonpurpose · 27/12/2023 21:00

She's not your wife. You have nothing to come to terms with. You honestly need therapy. It isn't normal to be this wrapped up in something that has nothing to do with you.

SpecialCharacters · 27/12/2023 22:05

You have all badly let down BIL here.

MistletoeandJd · 27/12/2023 22:07

And op was never to be seen again !

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 28/12/2023 06:35

MistletoeandJd · 27/12/2023 22:07

And op was never to be seen again !

After the pasting she has received on this thread, that is not a surprise. I suspect she hid the thread but she asked AIBU, she now has the answer.

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 08:01

OhmygodDont · 27/12/2023 18:43

Yes it’s always the nasty married in women controlling these men who have no thoughts or will of their own. Isn’t it.

It’s clearly the whole lot of them. Not just the OP.

We just have the OP’s self-involved take on it here - but the whole family has clearly been gossiping and sitting in judgement of the SIL regardless what her husband’s decision about his own marriage is.

Now his parents - who don’t make their DIL welcome - are complaining that he only popped round for a bit during the day on Christmas Day and didn’t come for the whole evening (as they expect).

It seems that the OP just fits in really well in this enmeshed family dynamic. But it’s the whole bloody lot of them. I hope the BIL has had some therapy to help him deal with the toxicity of his family of origin.

diddl · 28/12/2023 11:33

This can be a problem of everyone knowing everyone else's business-people will form opinions & judge.

My first husband cheated on me & I would find it hard not to want to have nothing to do with a cheater I think.

It's not that easy though is it?

Probably works OK if the couple split?

Being cool with someone would be hard enough to come back from.

Not speaking-just about impossible I would have thought.

pictoosh · 28/12/2023 11:50

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 28/12/2023 06:35

After the pasting she has received on this thread, that is not a surprise. I suspect she hid the thread but she asked AIBU, she now has the answer.

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She has indeed been pasted...but it's not undeserved. I have never seen a more reasonable pasting. With any luck she'll take it on board and rethink her involvement in her bil's business.

Dumpling71 · 28/12/2023 13:02

Have you posted about this before OP? I mean several years ago? I remember a thread with the same scenario, and the OP in that thread got the same response as you are getting here. You are really projecting your own feelings and seem enraged when your BIL didn't bow down to your superior opinions. He is not you, he gets to make his own mind up.

Bookworm1111 · 28/12/2023 16:50

Dumpling71 · 28/12/2023 13:02

Have you posted about this before OP? I mean several years ago? I remember a thread with the same scenario, and the OP in that thread got the same response as you are getting here. You are really projecting your own feelings and seem enraged when your BIL didn't bow down to your superior opinions. He is not you, he gets to make his own mind up.

I knew I recognised the scenario! I think you're right, @Dumpling71 – I think this is the thread.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4643277-dont-want-to-invite-sil?postsby=Lauraleight

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 16:53

Bookworm1111 · 28/12/2023 16:50

I knew I recognised the scenario! I think you're right, @Dumpling71 – I think this is the thread.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4643277-dont-want-to-invite-sil?postsby=Lauraleight

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Maybe that’s one of the other SILs, since they claim they say hi if they bump into her when out and about. This OP describes the other BILs and their wives as behaving in that way.

Spacecowboys · 28/12/2023 17:34

This is why, in the aftermath of an affair people should choose very wisely who they confide in. It will have been a very difficult time for your bil and what he needed was people who emotionally supported him and respected his choices. It is absolutely fine to silently judge sil but it is not okay to behave as you all have. Bil chose to forgive her and that’s all that should have been needed for you all to pretty much do the same. Who needs enemies ?

Dumpling71 · 28/12/2023 17:48

Bookworm1111 · 28/12/2023 16:50

I knew I recognised the scenario! I think you're right, @Dumpling71 – I think this is the thread.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4643277-dont-want-to-invite-sil?postsby=Lauraleight

Show quote history

Yes that is the thread I was referring to. The circumstances are the same, it has to be the same family, but some of the details are slightly different, and the OP in that thread says she has no knowledge of anyone having an affair apart from the SIL, so perhaps it isn't the same OP as this one, who says her ex cheated on her. The consensus still seems to be that the various family members are wrong to be so judgy though.

Thisreallyisntmyproblem · 28/12/2023 18:07

Just scrolled through that. It has to be the same family, right down to the timing of it all. And an incident two years after the affair that wasn't important. MIL blocking the SIL for a perceived transgression.

The SIL had a mental health breakdown, was hospitalized and her H 'was working all hours to support the family', rather than being there for his wife. Unsurprisingly, she found support elsewhere. And the BIL presumably realized he hadn't been a good husband and decided to do his part in putting it back together.

If you look at the OP's posts, there are rumours of affairs all over the family, including the MiL's husband (who doesn't get a mention on this thread). It's a shit show all over.

And yes, if this is the same bunch of bastards, my sympathies are even more with the SIL.

Dumpling71 · 28/12/2023 18:10

Oh yes, the FIL and the mystery son. Even more hypercritical if that is the case!

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 18:19

I don’t think it’s the same OP though. this one could be the SIL (and BIL) who simply refuse to speak to the pariah SIL entirely.

I don’t think the OP of that other thread could spell despise, never mind use it in a sentence.

If it is the same family: bloody hell. Toxicity and dysfunction up the wazoo!