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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL keeping BIL away from family

378 replies

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 05:55

So nc for this and apologies if its long and or confusing. My DH has three brothers, all fairly close in age and live locally. One of his brothers is with his wife a long time and they have teenage kids. A few years ago his wife had an affair but he stayed with her. Since then myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt by what she did and my previous husband cheated on me so it brought back bad memories. She did have some relationship with other family members but nothing really now.

My problem is over the last couple of years BIL has pulled away from all of his family. They no longer attend any important family gatherings, birthdays, funerals etc but this was the first year BIL and their DC did not visit PIL on Christmas night. He visited it earlier in the day with them. SIL hasn't visited at Christmas since the affair.

I get on with my other BILs and SIL and we are angry that BIL is choosing to do this. Being honest we don't really want a relationship with SIL but it looks like in order to have BIL in our lives he comes as a package deal. How can we navigate this? Do we just suck it up and get on with her for BIL, although I don't think I could be that fake to somebody I actually despise.

This is a very short version. Its going on seven years now.

OP posts:

Kdtym10 · 27/12/2023 07:54

So you cut off your SIL, tge woman your BIL chose to stay with after an affair and expected your BIL to maintain a relationship with you?

come on, surely you can work out why you don’t see your BIL? Clue it isn’t your SILs fault.

BMW6 · 27/12/2023 07:55

OP you have all played this wrong. Whatever an in-law has done the choice to stay in the relationship is not yours to make and you should all have maintained politeness and social manners whatever your personal feelings are.

I don't know if you will be able to recover your sibling relationship. Perhaps try inviting them both out for a drink to start with.

You will have to leave your animosity out of it or lose your sibling permanently.

Pipsquiggle · 27/12/2023 07:55

FFS OP this post is all about YOU, YOU, YOU!

You are conflating your past pain with someone else's relationship.

Your DBIL & SIL have moved on. She made some bad choices but sounds like they have worked on it and stayed together. All the while you and the rest of the family have treated her like shit. Why would she and her DH want to spend any time with any of you?

If you genuinely want to see DBIL and his family again, you are going to have to clear the air with her. Acknowledge you have dealt with this badly and you have been unfairly dumping all your past pain on her.

GothConversionTherapy · 27/12/2023 07:56

Wow you need some boundaries asap and to call off your witch hunt on her

Hercisback · 27/12/2023 07:56

SIL and BIL sound like they have good boundaries around people who treat them badly.

BIL has forgiven her. That's all you need to go by.

As a family, you've behaved awfully towards SIL. I'm not surprised she doesn't want to see you.

Fulshaw · 27/12/2023 07:56

Look, they come as a package deal.

If you want your BIL in your life, you have to forget the past and make an effort with her.

If you can’t bring yourself to do that, you have to accept you won’t be seeing much of BIL.

Those are your options. There is no third option.

Itsbeginingtolookalotlikexmas · 27/12/2023 07:56

You are taking a central role in isolating this woman and your DH’s brother and their children from the family. Your PIL are really suffering so you can feel holier than thou. It’s nothing to do with you and your feelings.

Eekmystro · 27/12/2023 07:58

Sorry op but personally I think you are the problem. You are making the affair about you. Why should you “feel betrayed” or still not feel ready to talk to her after 2 years? If BIL has chosen to forgive and remain with her then really you all should have accepted and supported that.

your ex cheating is irrelevant.

Sounds like she was someone you liked to spend time with and is basically a decent person. So why continue talking about her the way you do?

I can’t blame her for not coming to family events if the whole family acted like she cheated on them all. The situation sounds like you are way to emotionally involved in the affair situation for a SIL.

Sadza · 27/12/2023 08:00

If I was your SIL I wouldn’t go anywhere near you.

You say that you like BIL and yet have been unable to support him in what must have been one of the most difficult decisions in his life. You blame your own trauma for your judgemental attitude so maybe start there.

grumpycow1 · 27/12/2023 08:01

This is batshit!!

He chose to stay with her, rightly or wrongly. It’s his life, his choice - not your choice to make. If you want him in your life you have to be polite to her. You don’t have to be best mates but there should be a friendly atmosphere. You all sound weird and controlling.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2023 08:01

To put this into context from your bil’s pov, she is his wife.

You are just his sil. In no way related beyond that.

As you are only married into the family and in terms of this affair, you on the periphery.

Can you really not see how inappropriate this behaviour towards her is?

ineedsun · 27/12/2023 08:01

I’m wondering if you have got the message by now?

I get that it’s hard, my daughter’s husband has had an affair and they’ve split up. If they did get back together I know I’d struggle to be pleasant to the weasley little cunt but I’d make the effort because it’s her choice, her marriage, her life.

Did you see all the memes about the woman from I’m a celebrity (Nella I think) after she lost her shit at Fred for saying he could be her dad because her dad died. You remind me of those memes, making everything into your own drama.

FairytaleOfKent · 27/12/2023 08:02

You sound very self-absorbed. SIL and BIL can build bridges with your PIL if they want. You need to keep out of it. It sounds like you've been making it harder to rebuild relationships.

festivepains · 27/12/2023 08:03

What does your husband think @AIB78?

What does he actually think. Not what have you told him to think. Are you driving his distancing from his brother?

user1492757084 · 27/12/2023 08:03

You need to be able to respect BIL's choice. He chose to forgive and stay as a family and to be honest he is privvy to all the details of their marriage woes. (even his own shortcomings)

You can judge her behaviour but you can't ghost her if you want BIL to know that his wife will be happy in your company.
I admire him for having his wife's back.

I would start by wanting to change communications with SIL.
She is rightly ashamed but she shouldn't have to lick your boots and remember her shame when her own husband has moved past it.

Start by taking a Christmas gift to their home - and speaking nicely to her. Invite both over for afternoon tea or out for a coffee or a walk and meal at the local hotel. You will have to apologise for the ghosting and explain your extra protectiveness towards BIL. Say you'd like to rectify the relationship.

Keep trying this casual meeting up. It will take months to politely tolerate each other but it will only get better if you change something and try afresh.

quisensoucie · 27/12/2023 08:04

Amazing that you've really made this about you @AIB78 .
Twice you have mentioned that your ex husband was unfaithful. Yes, that is shit, but he is you ex. Not current, ex. You seem very angry that your BIL and his wife sorted their issues and the affair, whereas you and you exh did not. Clearly the wife was in the wrong, and it seems that you are punishing her because your ex cheated and you are still angry. It appears that it would suit your narrative if they had split.
And this lady is a 'distant' sil; not even you dh's sister, but your dh's sil, so why so angry?
As most others have said, this is none of your business; they have worked through it.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 27/12/2023 08:05

You can't send your SIL to Coventry and expect your relationship with BIL to be the same. I can't believe you invited her to your house but if she had attended, you wouldn't have spoken to her. What were you thinking?

I think too much water has gone under the bridge. If BIL chose to stay with SIL, then that is their business and you should have respected that even if you strongly disagreed. I'm sorry you had such a poor time with your ex but you shouldn't take that out on your SIL in this context.

grumpycow1 · 27/12/2023 08:05

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 07:32

About two years after her affair myself and DH were coming around to the idea of sorting things out, we had been talking to MIL about it a lot. Something happened though that made me change my mind, nothing serious, just confirmed I wasn't ready. If I'm honest don't even know if I'm ready now.

Why are you centring this all on yourself? “I don’t know if I’m ready” - it’s a SIL that you have to be polite to on a few times a year for god’s sake. You sound very childish… and self-centred to boot. She actually did nothing to you directly, so if your BIL forgave her, that’s enough. Their poor kids too, they must feel shunned.

Snowdogsmitten · 27/12/2023 08:05

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 07:32

I think that's why her affair hit us all so hard. There was a betrayal there. My ex husbands affair nearly killed me so I was angry with her for doing it to BIL. I couldn't look at her and needed space

Um, what? Why are you making her mistake all about you?

The family is completely mental. No wonder she avoids you all…

Fundays12 · 27/12/2023 08:06

I actually feel quite sorry for your BIL and his wife with having to put to with such controlling, spoilt, immature and interfering relations. They are better off without you and probably know it.

Metallicant · 27/12/2023 08:07

I would love to hear the other side to this.

Maybe the reason they don’t visit is not directly related to the affair? Maybe as a family they feel unwelcome so have chosen to step away?

Brefugee · 27/12/2023 08:09

the MN mantra of "actions have consequences" (alternative: play stupid games, win stupid prizes) applies here.

You may have thought you were being loyal to BIL in ignoring the wife he chose to forgive and stay with, from his POV you were probably overstepping and from her POV why would she make any effort with any of you? Unfortunately you are now a bit stuck. Olive branches and patience are required.

CorvusPurpureus · 27/12/2023 08:09

Well, there's definitely a DW in this situation keeping her DH from having a relationship with his DB.

It's just that it's not your SIL who's the problem now.

Itsnamechange · 27/12/2023 08:11

Given the situation it's hilarious that your title is SIL keeping BIL away from his family.

You've chosen to cut the woman off and not speak to her for SEVEN years. She's not keeping him away from you. It sounds like you personally have been the driving force in destroying his relationship with his family.

Womencanlift · 27/12/2023 08:12

CorvusPurpureus · 27/12/2023 08:09

Well, there's definitely a DW in this situation keeping her DH from having a relationship with his DB.

It's just that it's not your SIL who's the problem now.

Yes there is but if she posted there would be similar responses to this thread in that it’s your marriage and if you and your husband have moved on while your in laws have not, then that’s their issue

She would likely be advised to go low/no contact and let her husband facilitate any relationship with his parents

All of which is what is happening here

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