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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL keeping BIL away from family

378 replies

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 05:55

So nc for this and apologies if its long and or confusing. My DH has three brothers, all fairly close in age and live locally. One of his brothers is with his wife a long time and they have teenage kids. A few years ago his wife had an affair but he stayed with her. Since then myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt by what she did and my previous husband cheated on me so it brought back bad memories. She did have some relationship with other family members but nothing really now.

My problem is over the last couple of years BIL has pulled away from all of his family. They no longer attend any important family gatherings, birthdays, funerals etc but this was the first year BIL and their DC did not visit PIL on Christmas night. He visited it earlier in the day with them. SIL hasn't visited at Christmas since the affair.

I get on with my other BILs and SIL and we are angry that BIL is choosing to do this. Being honest we don't really want a relationship with SIL but it looks like in order to have BIL in our lives he comes as a package deal. How can we navigate this? Do we just suck it up and get on with her for BIL, although I don't think I could be that fake to somebody I actually despise.

This is a very short version. Its going on seven years now.

OP posts:
MrsRachelDanvers · 27/12/2023 08:13

Your BiL forgave his wife for the hurt she caused. Are you saying you can’t do the same? Do you think you’re making BIL happy by sending his wife to Coventry? Why do you think you know better than BIL how to treat his wife? I’d not visit too, if my family treated my husband as you do.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 27/12/2023 08:17

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 07:32

About two years after her affair myself and DH were coming around to the idea of sorting things out, we had been talking to MIL about it a lot. Something happened though that made me change my mind, nothing serious, just confirmed I wasn't ready. If I'm honest don't even know if I'm ready now.

This is insane, you honestly think you're this important in 'faaamily decision making'?!
"Right all, dh and I will be ready soon to accept her grovelling apology to ME, because its all about me I hope you know. ME ME ME. I'm the one affected. Not him. Not their children. WILL NOONE THINK ABOUT MEEEEE!'.

Unescorted · 27/12/2023 08:17

The only way I can think this could be a betrayal of you is if you SIL had the affair with your Ex husband who you are still in love with.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 27/12/2023 08:17

Of course SIL wasn't comfortable going to the home of someone who ignored her. She didn't cheat on any of you, her husband decided to forgive her and you were all very very unreasonable to act the way you did and not follow his lead. It's his marriage not yours. You have all isolated him from his family, not her.

Rachie1973 · 27/12/2023 08:19

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 07:32

About two years after her affair myself and DH were coming around to the idea of sorting things out, we had been talking to MIL about it a lot. Something happened though that made me change my mind, nothing serious, just confirmed I wasn't ready. If I'm honest don't even know if I'm ready now.

You absolute drama queen.

Sort yourself out and accept you’re the issue.

pictoosh · 27/12/2023 08:19

Here's another thought. Your sil does not need to spend the rest of her life accepting that she's a villain who you despise.

She can say, who the fuck are you AIB73?
And she can turn down invitations to spend her free time with you, or your husband. Or anyone else who wants to keep the affair alive after seven bloody years.
What is with that? Nothing good anyway. Nothing wholesome.

AndOnAndOn1000 · 27/12/2023 08:21

The past is the past.

How will they ever heal with someone like you in the family.

The world doesn’t just revolve around you.
Shit happens.

With respect you need to stop being a bully and grow up. You CAN do it.

ohdamnitjanet · 27/12/2023 08:21

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 06:21

We have previously invited them to a couple of family events in our home but they refused as BIL said SIL wasn't comfortable going to our home when we don't speak to her. PIL are getting older now and dont think it's fair on them. BIL has previously attended a couple of things without SIL, mainly stuff for his parents but leaves early. I dont even know how SIL feels about it all. Without being too outing she always had a lot of time for my DC and would regularly have them over for hours at a time/sleepover etc as they were close in age to her kids. This hasn't happened much in the last year though. Could be just kids getting older though.

You really are tone deaf.

pictoosh · 27/12/2023 08:21

Yes...a bully.

FuckOffTom · 27/12/2023 08:22

You are being very unreasonable.
It is not for you to forgive SIL for her affair. BIL has already forgiven her and you should support him in that. She didn’t cheat on YOU and I think you’re being a bit ridiculous acting like the victim of something that happened in someone else’s marriage.
You are also being unreasonable for saying that it is your SIL keeping BIL away. Maybe he isn’t comfortable with how you all treat his wife?? I would sack my family off in a heartbeat if they treated my partner this way

ChristmasFluff · 27/12/2023 08:23

This is all crazy. People don't understand that someone is upset at the huge betrayal, lies and pain that their relative has been put through by a cheater?

This marriage isn't going to last anyway, and she's going to cheat again, because cheating isn't 'a mistake', it is a repeated pattern of lying and betraying someone you say you love. As if anyone would treat someone they truly loved that way!

And let's say, for arguments' sake, that she really did love him - well then it is on HER to repair the situation, and that includes accepting the wrath fo his loved ones. She has to repair the relationship with his family too, not expect them to just suck it up. Where was her desperation to meet you and apologise?

This is why her relationship with other family members (who clearly did see her after the affair) failed. She doesn't give a shit about her marriage or she'd accept responsibility for the broken relationships with her partner's family and make the effort. but no, she can't be arsed with that.

OP, I totally agree I wouldn't be being friendly to this cowardly cheater either, and if BIL can't deal with the consequences of his decision to the extent of maintaining relationships with people who genuinely have his best interests at heart, then the only thing you can do is make it clear that when the relationhsip breaks down, you'll be there for him.

It will break down, because unlike the OP, this woman really does sound horrible.

Lavenderflower · 27/12/2023 08:25

I think you are too emotionally involved in a relation that has nothing to do with you.

Bookworm1111 · 27/12/2023 08:26

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 07:32

About two years after her affair myself and DH were coming around to the idea of sorting things out, we had been talking to MIL about it a lot. Something happened though that made me change my mind, nothing serious, just confirmed I wasn't ready. If I'm honest don't even know if I'm ready now.

Who made you the judge and executioner?! Honestly, your entitlement is astounding! You had no right to insert yourself into their marriage issues and you have made matters so much worse for your BIL by refusing to talk to SIL for two years. No wonder he's taken her side! He wants to make his marriage work and his family's vile response has been to ostracise his wife.

Honestly, your behaviour is appalling and you should be ashamed – you've made her affair all about you and roped his family into doing the same. You're bullying the woman.

Brefugee · 27/12/2023 08:26

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 07:28

We were all quite close as have children the same age and we all live within five minutes of each other. There were no issues between brothers and their wife's. We regularly socialised together in each others homes, texted regularly and would meet up in PILs House. I think that's why her affair hit us all so hard. There was a betrayal there. My ex husbands affair nearly killed me so I was angry with her for doing it to BIL. I couldn't look at her and needed space and it's just continued for so long now..

Show quote history

despite all the replies up to this, you are still making it all about you.

So how about thinking about your PIL and how they feel as they approach the end of their lives without being reconciled with their son? How might he feel knowing that the only family members he even had any (rare) contact with will probably not be around that much longer and it is really hard to see them?

I like the PP suggestion that the brothers try to reconcile first. So maybe start with the PIL arranging to meet their son out of their house, for a coffee, for lunch, after a while with his children. They can then move on to adding one or more of the brothers. And then leave it to BIL, the PIL and the other brothers to see how it progresses?

And, OP, to put it bluntly: Butt out. This is a mess that you were instrumental in making, you have to stay out until invited to apologise. Which you then do graciously, briefly and without making it all about you.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 27/12/2023 08:27

ChristmasFluff · 27/12/2023 08:23

This is all crazy. People don't understand that someone is upset at the huge betrayal, lies and pain that their relative has been put through by a cheater?

This marriage isn't going to last anyway, and she's going to cheat again, because cheating isn't 'a mistake', it is a repeated pattern of lying and betraying someone you say you love. As if anyone would treat someone they truly loved that way!

And let's say, for arguments' sake, that she really did love him - well then it is on HER to repair the situation, and that includes accepting the wrath fo his loved ones. She has to repair the relationship with his family too, not expect them to just suck it up. Where was her desperation to meet you and apologise?

This is why her relationship with other family members (who clearly did see her after the affair) failed. She doesn't give a shit about her marriage or she'd accept responsibility for the broken relationships with her partner's family and make the effort. but no, she can't be arsed with that.

OP, I totally agree I wouldn't be being friendly to this cowardly cheater either, and if BIL can't deal with the consequences of his decision to the extent of maintaining relationships with people who genuinely have his best interests at heart, then the only thing you can do is make it clear that when the relationhsip breaks down, you'll be there for him.

It will break down, because unlike the OP, this woman really does sound horrible.

You sound like someone who is used to getting involved in others relationships and making sure others pay their penance. Am sure you'll know a good sackcloth and ashes supplier that the sil can wear while grovelling at the op and family's feet?

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 27/12/2023 08:27

A few years ago his wife had an affair but he stayed with her. Since then myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt by what she did

You were hurt by what your husband's brother's wife did?
Generally speaking I think that if you have a relationship with someone because of their relationship with someone else (ie your relationship with SIL is because of her relationship with BIL), then if the middle person (BIL) forgives them for something it's not your place to decide you're not speaking. If she'd done something to you directly, then absolutely fair enough. But she did something to BIL, he decided (maybe foolishly, who knows), to forgive her. What did you think would happen if you decided that even though her husband forgave her, you wouldn't?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 27/12/2023 08:28

Just to put another 😆 at 'she needs to accept his loved ones wrath' how fucking self involved!

Bookworm1111 · 27/12/2023 08:29

Oh my god, I misread – you've been blanking her for SEVEN years! At what point are you going to stop this bullying??

thenletskeepdancing · 27/12/2023 08:29

So it’s not SIL keeping BIL away from your family. It’s your family who still haven’t gotten over something which happened years ago. Why should she and he come to visit family when she is treated like shit and ignored for something which is essentially between her and her husband?

starfishmummy · 27/12/2023 08:30

I think that's why her affair hit us all so hard. There was a betrayal there. My ex husbands affair nearly killed me so I was angry with her for doing it to BIL. I couldn't look at her and needed space and it's just continued for so long now..

You made it about you, when it wasn't about you, and you have continued to do so

About two years after her affair myself and DH were coming around to the idea of sorting things out, we had been talking to MIL about it a lot. Something happened though that made me change my mind, nothing serious, just confirmed I wasn't ready. If I'm honest don't even know if I'm ready now.

You suck it up. Its your BILs marriage, not yours. If he can work through this then so should you. You "being ready" for it is irrelevant. If you see BIL and SIL you plaster a big smile on your face and talk about the weather or their kids and carry on as normal. Except its probably too late and that is of your doing.

JustOneMoreBaileys · 27/12/2023 08:31

From your updates, it sounds like the title to your OP is wrong: is doesn't sound like SIL keeping your BIL away - it sounds like he has made a choice to step away. No need for her to be blamed for his choices.

babyproblems · 27/12/2023 08:31

Agree you shouldn’t have cut her off.
It’s irrelevant that it upset you; he chose to forgive and you should have supported him in that and continued a relationship with her.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 27/12/2023 08:32

About two years after her affair myself and DH were coming around to the idea of sorting things out, we had been talking to MIL about it a lot. Something happened though that made me change my mind, nothing serious, just confirmed I wasn't ready. If I'm honest don't even know if I'm ready now.
This level that you expect to be involved and in control is actually frightening. Do you tend to hold court a bit with the family?

AnneElliott · 27/12/2023 08:33

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 06:21

We have previously invited them to a couple of family events in our home but they refused as BIL said SIL wasn't comfortable going to our home when we don't speak to her. PIL are getting older now and dont think it's fair on them. BIL has previously attended a couple of things without SIL, mainly stuff for his parents but leaves early. I dont even know how SIL feels about it all. Without being too outing she always had a lot of time for my DC and would regularly have them over for hours at a time/sleepover etc as they were close in age to her kids. This hasn't happened much in the last year though. Could be just kids getting older though.

Of course she's not going to come to your house if you're not speaking to her! I'm surprised you can't see that op. Would you honestly go to someone's house if they were refusing to talk to you? Especially when the affair has been forgiven by her husband. It's not as if she did something to you.

BillionaireTea · 27/12/2023 08:34

You have no fucking idea about their affair. For all you know, your BIL has erectile dysfunction that he refuses to acknowledge or treat, or is a snippy microaggressive twat to her when they are alone. Or maybe he has a porn habit, or one of them has a kink they can't encompass. Or he had an affair first or saw a sex worker. You have NO IDEA.

There are so many ways and reasons people have affairs and 100 ways they move past them, using them to build better understanding of themselves, their emotions and sex lives, and create more honest relationships.
.
You know who doesn't succeed in that? Unskilful, limited idiots like you who judge things they have no hope of understanding and when it isn't their business to have a view anyway.

I'm sorry your xDH cheated and hurt you and I definitely think therapy works.