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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL keeping BIL away from family

378 replies

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 05:55

So nc for this and apologies if its long and or confusing. My DH has three brothers, all fairly close in age and live locally. One of his brothers is with his wife a long time and they have teenage kids. A few years ago his wife had an affair but he stayed with her. Since then myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt by what she did and my previous husband cheated on me so it brought back bad memories. She did have some relationship with other family members but nothing really now.

My problem is over the last couple of years BIL has pulled away from all of his family. They no longer attend any important family gatherings, birthdays, funerals etc but this was the first year BIL and their DC did not visit PIL on Christmas night. He visited it earlier in the day with them. SIL hasn't visited at Christmas since the affair.

I get on with my other BILs and SIL and we are angry that BIL is choosing to do this. Being honest we don't really want a relationship with SIL but it looks like in order to have BIL in our lives he comes as a package deal. How can we navigate this? Do we just suck it up and get on with her for BIL, although I don't think I could be that fake to somebody I actually despise.

This is a very short version. Its going on seven years now.

OP posts:

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 27/12/2023 07:16

I would maybe try to get the three brothers and maybe PIL to have a few events without either you or your SIL. Maybe once a month trip to the pub or similar. Try to rebuild the brotherly bonds first. Your dh can maybe tell him that you regret the rift now and then slowly over time everyone reintegrate. The summer is a good time to have something larger because you aren't all trapped in the same house.

Maybe get some counselling for yourself too because it does seem like quite an extreme reaction.

Mylovelygreendress · 27/12/2023 07:17

What has their marriage got to do with you ? She made a mistake . Her husband forgave her . None of your business .
I wouldn’t have anything to do with you either.
Nice to see a man having his wife’s back here on MN .

redfacebigdisgrace · 27/12/2023 07:21

Are you 10? “We don’t speak to her”

I’m actually jaw on the floor reading this.

I think you should apologise to the poor woman and grow up a bit.

stepintochristmas1 · 27/12/2023 07:22

Never try to interfere between a man and his wife .

Plinkplonkplink · 27/12/2023 07:22

You shouldn’t have got involved. Over involvement and judgement from family is a pain in the arse and unnecessary. You don't need to bring your own experiences and views in to this. She’s probably glad to not have to see you all to be honest and why would she want to look after your kids when you’re so disrespectful? This must be a wind up. Well, it’s worked. It’s winding me right up 😂

autienotnaughty · 27/12/2023 07:23

So you all need to stop being involved in your brothers marriage. Apologise to his wife for your rude behaviour and encourage her back into the fold.

Or you can carry on feeling this level of entitlement and see where it gets you

LakieLady · 27/12/2023 07:26

I wouldn't want to visit people who don't speak to me, either.

Kudos to your BIL, who is standing by his wife and has plainly forgiven her.

mangochops · 27/12/2023 07:27

Again, you've created this bad feeling. Who in their right mind would want to go to someone's house when no-one speaks to them? I'm sure there is an element of shame for SIL, but you've made this all about you, and unfortunately, the consequence is your BIL keeping you all at arms length.

Yes, I agree. You won't talk to her- and now you are surprised she doesn't want to visit?- WTAF isn't this obvious?

Look- you don't have to approve of what she did but end of the day, it's NOT your right or place to "forgive" her- that's up to him. You don't have to like what she did or approve of it but you do have to be civil and polite to her. I am civil to plenty of people I don't personally like that much and wouldn't choose to be friends with them but I am still polite and friendly towards them. Noone is asking you to be best buddies with her- but actively ignoring her has caused this rift. This is your own doing- you have created this.

Original poster

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 07:28

Rewis · 27/12/2023 07:16

How was PIL and extended family's relationship with SIL before the cheating? When the cheating came about was it sorted between SIL and her husband or did other family members get involved?

We were all quite close as have children the same age and we all live within five minutes of each other. There were no issues between brothers and their wife's. We regularly socialised together in each others homes, texted regularly and would meet up in PILs House. I think that's why her affair hit us all so hard. There was a betrayal there. My ex husbands affair nearly killed me so I was angry with her for doing it to BIL. I couldn't look at her and needed space and it's just continued for so long now..

OP posts:

miniatureroses · 27/12/2023 07:29

I wouldn't go somewhere where I wasn't spoken to either. You've forced your brother to choose and he's chosen her.

mangochops · 27/12/2023 07:30

My ex husbands affair nearly killed me so I was angry with her for doing it to BIL. I couldn't look at her and needed space and it's just continued for so long now

This isn't about you though is it?- it's about him. You don't get to dictate how he should be reacting to this, it's not your relationship. He wants the relationship to continue and you need to respect that he chose differently to you. You have caused this. You need to apologise.

festivepains · 27/12/2023 07:31

My ex husbands affair nearly killed me so I was angry with her for doing it to BIL. I couldn't look at her and needed space and it's just continued for so long now..

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

Get yourself some counselling. Stop getting involved in your in laws affairs. Does your husband even care? Is it you driving his response.

AgentJohnson · 27/12/2023 07:31

The issue is that BIL family have made his marriage difficulties about them.

I can understand the initial hurt and solidarity for BIL but this has turned into something else. It’s almost like you expect him to apologise for staying with her or for her to walk around in sack cloth and to be sprinkled with ashes to appease you all. Would you really expect her to visit your home, knowing that you really don’t want her there? Come on OP, no one can be this emotionally unaware.

The way you and his family have behaved has impacted the dynamic but rather than accept responsibility for your contribution, you are all still content to point the finger and be the ‘victims’. Maybe just maybe, BIL doesn’t want to reminded constantly of the the darkest moments in his marriage and he’s over appeasing his family over his decision to stay.

Your BIL’s family have cast themselves as the victims and want ‘reconciliation’ on their own terms. If you and your H’s family really want to move forward then there needs to be less finger pointing and more looking in the mirror. Balls in your court, not BIL (how he’s put up with you all during this, shows a humility that is apparently lost on you all).

Original poster

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 07:32

About two years after her affair myself and DH were coming around to the idea of sorting things out, we had been talking to MIL about it a lot. Something happened though that made me change my mind, nothing serious, just confirmed I wasn't ready. If I'm honest don't even know if I'm ready now.

OP posts:

Sunflowergirl1 · 27/12/2023 07:33

It sounds like before the affair that everyone got along. Unfortunately she has been judged over the affair and clearly will feel the difference in approach and communication, and is now responding to that, as is your BIL.

I think the whole family is in a real pickle as this has now gone on years, so undoing the damage is very difficult as she (and probably your BIL) will have their own grudges over how they have been treated and made to feel, despite continuing with their marriage.

The problem is that by doing nothing, this will get progressively worse until they and their kids are pretty much cut off from the rest of the family at their choice. Whilst your DH other siblings might not be bothered, it will weigh more and more heavily on your PIL as they age...and the longer it goes the worse it will be.

I think the only chance there is would be for DH to meet with his brother and express regret for the judgment and how they have been made to feel. However, unless there is a family wish to put things right, accept her and make her feel welcomed, there is no point.

You may have to accept this is no longer fixable. I have seen this elsewhere whereby a wife was poorly treated (not an affair etc) and she responded a lot more clinically and simply cut them off. She refused any approach in later years and said it was too late. As a result, family didn't develop any relationship with the children which was sad and parents still find it a source of anguish

pinkfondu · 27/12/2023 07:33

Your poor BIL, went through all tgat and now has so much judgement from his family he went whikst his siblings weren't there.

Your DH needs to do something now. He's gonna lose his brother

mangochops · 27/12/2023 07:33

If I'm honest don't even know if I'm ready now.

Then you'll lose him and the relationship will be over. He has made his choice.

NCNov123 · 27/12/2023 07:34

I understand that SILs affair brought up bad memories for you. But it's up to you to process that yourself, ideally with a therapist.

By refusing to speak to SIL and doing nothing to heal the rift later, you're actually prolonging the presence of the affair in your extended family. You need to step up now and make the first move.

I'm very sympathetic to your SlL and BIL not wanting to go to a gathering where they aren't properly welcome on Xmas night, or for SIL to sit at home alone while you all get to enjoy their kids. You do see why that sounds unappealing, right?

The wider family should have taken their lead from BIL on this. You've all actually made it harder for their marriage to heal. I don't blame them for keeping their distance.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 27/12/2023 07:34

AIB78 · 27/12/2023 07:28

Show quote history

Sorry but her affair is fuck all to do with you! You are being incredibly self indulgent to be so personally offended by it, it really is nothing to do with you. You’ve now caused a family rift by being so self righteous which is really sad. I think you really need to make contact and apologise profusely.

I have a lot of in-laws who have done things I don’t agree with, however I keep my trap shut and let it go because I realise I’m not judge and jury and it’s important for me to support my husbands relationship with his family.

Mikimoto · 27/12/2023 07:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Womencanlift · 27/12/2023 07:35

It’s not about you and your feelings it’s about your BIL’s feelings

Regardless if you agree or not, he forgave her. You should have to if you wanted the family relationships to continue

I am afraid 7 years down the line it is likely too late and that is you and the family’s fault and not SIL/BIL

If he is still seeing his parents, when the rest of the family is not there, then that’s fine. But also take a minute to think of why that’s the case

Maybe your DH could take his brother out and have a chat just the two of them about things

Lifeasiknowitisout · 27/12/2023 07:35

I can’t believe you even thought, never mind wrote and posted the words Since then myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt by what she did and my previous husband cheated on me so it brought back bad memories.

His wife had an affair. He decided to reconcile. But you made it about you?

I am sorry your previous husband cheated on you. But your Sil didn’t hurt you. You chose to take something awful happening to someone else and centre your own feelings. She didn’t cheat on you. The fact that you have been cheated on and your feelings about that is your issue to deal with. This had nothing to do with you.

You could have, once he decided to reconcile, put your own feelings to the side and got over it yourself. You husband could have decided that his wife’s feelings about her ex husband, weren’t the focus here and supported his brother. Who should have been the focus.

You and your husband chose to try and cut her out, because your feelings about the situation were more important. A natural consequence of that is that he will remove himself from your life. He chose to stay with his wife. If you want him involved in the family you all need to get over it and move on too. Properly move on.

2Old2Tango · 27/12/2023 07:36

This is so crazy it sounds like a wind up. You have the situation that YOU all have created and which you now deserve.

Why does it matter what time BIL visits on Christmas Day with the kids, as long as he visits? Do you think SIL should be left on her own every Christmas evening? Good on BIL for putting his wife first for a change.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 27/12/2023 07:37

Oh and apologise for prioritising your own feelings. Both you and your husband need to apologise.

If you choose not to, accept you are also causing the situation. You are causing the hurt that Pil feel. At least own that.

Josette77 · 27/12/2023 07:37

Why is this all about you?

Get out of their marriage.

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