SIL keeping BIL away from family

[AIB78]

So nc for this and apologies if its long and or confusing. My DH has three brothers, all fairly close in age and live locally. One of his brothers is with his wife a long time and they have teenage kids. A few years ago his wife had an affair but he stayed with her. Since then myself and my DH have not spoken to her as we were very hurt by what she did and my previous husband cheated on me so it brought back bad memories. She did have some relationship with other family members but nothing really now.

My problem is over the last couple of years BIL has pulled away from all of his family. They no longer attend any important family gatherings, birthdays, funerals etc but this was the first year BIL and their DC did not visit PIL on Christmas night. He visited it earlier in the day with them. SIL hasn't visited at Christmas since the affair.

I get on with my other BILs and SIL and we are angry that BIL is choosing to do this. Being honest we don't really want a relationship with SIL but it looks like in order to have BIL in our lives he comes as a package deal. How can we navigate this? Do we just suck it up and get on with her for BIL, although I don't think I could be that fake to somebody I actually despise.

This is a very short version. Its going on seven years now.

You don't need to be 'ready'. There is nothing for you to ready yourself for.
It's not your marriage. She didn't cheat on you.
Your feelings about it don't matter a toss. Do you understand that? Do you understand that your opinion on her affair is of no import?
Your behaviour is not justified. Do you understand that? Do you understand that your behaviour is inappropriate and overbearing?
Do you understand that your bil has withdrawn because of your behaviour?
Hello?
Hello??

You judgement, and let’s face it, you are judging both of them, SIL for the affair and BIL for forgiving her, has caused this rift in the family affecting not only the PILs but the children who presumably don’t get to see their cousins and piblings.

I absolutely understand that you were devastated by your ex’s betrayal and presumably BIL was also devastated when his wife’s affair came to light but he has decided to stay with her. He seems to have her back when it comes to supporting her in dealing with his toxic family.

You sound nasty and I’m not surprised your SIL won’t come to family gatherings when no-one will speak to her. If you never want to speak to her again, own it and stop making excuses to justify your own unpleasantness.

This just gets more self-absorbed the more you post.

How do you cope with everyday life? People having affairs are all over the papers, in dramas, work gossip and even the news. Do you spend your life avoiding it all?

Your SIL didn't betray you or her in-laws.

This makes you sound even worse. Not your marriage, not your affair so stop judging

And I say this as someone who has been personally impacted by an affair too

OP- when your husband had an affair how would you have felt if a family member told you to forgive him and when you wouldn't, stopped speaking to you?- you'd be furious right? This is no different.

You cannot tell people how to react to things like this, it's not your place. It's up to them to conduct their relationships in the way they think is best. It's actually very, very controlling to stop speaking to someone in such a scenario because you are basically emotionally punishing them for not "obeying" you. You don't get to decide how other people conduct their relationships and it's very possible you don't even know the whole story or exactly what went on.

You might not realise it but you are being very controlling here and projecting all your own hurt on to him and that is flat out wrong. You need to examine this and own it for the sake of your own mental wellbeing.

This is one of the most surreal things I think I’ve read on here.
To be clear - your SIL has at no point made vows or promises to you. So the idea you could have such strong feelings of betrayal is wildly narcissistic.
And how lovely for your BIL to be completely ostracised now because you refuse to accept his decision to forgive her. But again - you’re sad about how this makes YOU feel. With an added dollop of faux naivety about why it is she might not want to attend family events where you all ignore her.
And the grand finale - you’re still not sure if you’re ready to forgive her anyway 🙄
Honestly? Leave them alone. You are determined to be a toxic influence in their lives. You made your bed with your actions - time to accept there’s no coming back from this for anyone.

but this affair isn't about you. which bit do you not understand?

Maybe you should allow the rest of the family to move on and remove yourself from the social situations. It had nothing to do with you. Nada. Zero. Stop make it about yourself. How vile and narcissistic!

if I'm honest don't even know if I'm ready now

You're still making it all about you

In your poll 98% of people think you’re being unreasonable. You & other family members are responsible for this situation dragging on for years. You shouldn’t have all turned against your SIL.

What she did was wrong. But her husband has forgiven her and they are a team again. The rest of you shouldn’t have got so involved in their marriage and should have forgiven her too as soon as he did. It’s ridiculous to think you could ever have the same relationship with him you used to enjoy while not speaking to his wife & making her feel uncomfortable at family gatherings. Of course she stays away and so increasingly does he as he is being supportive to her as is right in a relationship.

Not ready?

This isn’t about you or your pain. Your feelings are yours. Your refusal to not make this about you has caused the rift.

He forgave her. This is his pain.

TBH, I really judge your husband. If my husband had expected me to make my brothers pain and my brothers decisions all about him and was dictating what happened because he couldn’t deal with his own feelings I would tell him to piss off.

I am not a massive fan of my sil for various reasons. Dbro loves her. As such I am pleasant and welcoming and she has no idea about how I feel. My brother loves her and that’s enough.

I understand that you have feelings about it. I have strong feelings about cheating and I would think less of a family member who did it.

BUT It's actually none of your business. Their marriage and how they choose to handle this issue is none of your business.

I don't understand why you were having long talks with your Mil about your relatives affair? Genuine question.

I can imagine having a conversation about it of course, but after that its done and would be boring and completely pointless.

About two years after her affair myself and DH were coming around to the idea of sorting things out, we had been talking to MIL about it a lot. Something happened though that made me change my mind, nothing serious, just confirmed I wasn't ready. If I'm honest don't even know if I'm ready now.

So you get counselling for the hurt your ex husband caused you and leave your husband's family out of it.

It must be very painful for your mil to have her children not speaking when previously they were a close family. In her situation I would be trying to do everything I could to get them to reconcile by talking to all parties that feel they have skin in the game. It sounds as if she has been trying to do that but you keep getting the hump because if your ex husband. She is speaking to both sons in the others absence because you are making this about your past.... From before you came into their lives. I am at a loss as to why you feel you should have this control over their lives.

My advice is grow up and start considering that the world does not revolve around you.

It’s not up to you to judge her and decide about forgiveness or not it’s her husband’s
i think you all have got too involved and on your high horses
you all should have stayed more neutral and less judgmental
you don’t know what happens in thier relationship. thank are a married couple and can solve their own problems. You don’t have enough information on the ins and outs. It was not your job to decide on forgiveness or not.
No wonder she feels alienated and pushed out of the family
I feel sorry for bil as it sounds like his own family have made it very difficult for him and keep punishing something he wants to forget and put behind him and all these years later you are still making it difficult for him
poor man. Poor sil.
Hope you can all think about this and offer a hopeful not too late olive branch

@laceydoily - I agree.

I am really genuinely confused as to when you and your DH became so invested in your BIL marriage that you fell out with his wife because she has an affair whilst he chose you put it behind them and move on.

It was obvious if you and your DH fell out with her long term it would eventually impact on the relationship you have with him and he has with his parents. It was never any of your business in the first place but you and your DH seem to have made it so.

You have put your brother in law in a position he has had to choose his wife and kids or extended family. He has chosen his wife and kids. You and your DH have effectively destroyed the relationship you have with him. I can understand why you would be upset a few years ago for your BIL but to carry on refusing to speak to his wife for years is absolutely ridiculous. All I have taken from your post is how you feel, you and you. Nothing about how your BIL feels. Both of you need to grow up and stay out of your brother's in laws marriage. I highly doubt your SIL wants anything to do with either of you at this stage so the damage you have done maybe irreversible.

Why would she go somewhere where she knows people will be off with her?

You need to reach out to her individually and offer an olive branch to rebuild the relationship or you'll never rebuild the relationship with bil. He forgave her, that means you need to too.

Her affair is between them and has nothing to do with you. You're not supporting your BIL by making it all about you and punishing him by proxy to serve yourself. He's decided to stay, that's his decision for his own life. Respect it and stop making it about you if you really do prioritise him and your relationship with him. If you actually prioritise indulging yourself, go ahead, but this is the natural consequence.

It’s ridiculous that her husband has forgiven her and after two years you are still not ready! It sounds like you are projecting the trauma from your ex’s affair onto her, she has not betrayed you! She had no commitment to you regardless of how close your kids were, it wasn’t a betrayal against you. It sounds like you need counselling to separate the issue of being cheated on by your ex from the issues in BIL and SIL’s relationship. You have no right to be angry at her for an affair, that’s a private matter between her and her husband, no doubt there are aspects of their relationship you are not privy to and bottom line is he chose to forgive her. He is the only person she betrayed and he’s forgiven her and moved on, for you to still be angry with her and unable to have a relationship with her is ridiculous.

Ultimately you have caused this problem by displacing your anger at your past onto her and being angry and feeling betrayed even when BIL chose to forgive and move on. When he chose to forgive and move on you should have done the same, you didn’t and so it’s no wonder SIL doesn’t feel welcome or want to join family events. BIL has forgiven his wife so obviously he will not want to go when she is excluded either. Their relationship isn’t really your business so by making it so you have damaged your relationship with both of them, how you can possibly think this is SIL’s fault and ignore your own unreasonable behaviour is beyond me.

Just to agree with what many others are saying, no idea how this is about you, what happens within a marriage is their business and you have made BIL life very difficult taking it upon yourself to punish SIL for a situation you have nothing to do with.

You refuse to speak to someone and therefore they don't want to come. That's fairly simple, and you guys chose that.

BIL has chosen to stay with her, so if being around someone makes his wife, who he loves, unhappy, of course he's going to choose to limit contact.

If you want a relationship with BIL, you have to accept that she comes with him. He's forgiven her, you have to as well. You don't have to forget, but you DO have to acknowledge she exists and is part of your family. Because she does and she is.

However given that you've ignored her for 7 years, the damage is probably done now. She messed up and has done the work for the person she hurt to forgive her. You guys need her to be willing to let you do the work now for any of it to change. I probably wouldn't be willing to be around you, unless DH really wanted things to change too and then I MIGHT try for him. Depends how vile you'd been though.

OP , are you reading the responses and taking on board the near unanimous views ?

Well said pictoosh

@AIB78 I have actually been in a very similar position. We had been a very close family and the betrayal felt like it was of all of us. There was a bit more to it than in your situation which had real repercussions which I can’t go in to. We gave it time and actually to their credit the person who cheated did make an effort and now it’s all ok and we have just spent a lovely Christmas together. I think a lot depends on how much you liked them before all this happened but for the sake of your family I think you need to try to move on.

You're making it too much about you - or all about you really. It's not your marriage or your life, it's theirs. And I really can't blame her for wanting to keep a distance.

She's a human being at the end of the day and her mistake cannot control the rest of her life. Do you think that's fair?

Your poor brother will likely never confide if you again if this is your reaction and response to things.