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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas slave for the in-laws

247 replies

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 01:15

I've just had the worst Christmas of my life, and I need some suggestions on how to make sure this never happens again.

DH, 2 DC and I usually go to his parents for Christmas. His brother lives 5 hrs drive away so he, his wife and 3 kids (teenagers) sometimes come to stay with their parents for Christmas, and sometimes stay home. However, it's always awkward as MIL seems terrified if actually asking them what their plans are, so she waits for them to tell her.

Parents in law are elderly, and we don't want them to have to drive to us (about an hour away), and don't want them to do all the work. So this year, DH and I offered to cook Christmas dinner for us at their house.

Last Friday, BIL announces they are coming to PIL for Christmas dinner for the DAY (10 hour round trip with 3 kids). We had already bought the food, so had to rush out to get more for the extra 5 people. Christmas day, they arrived for dinner... Sat down, ate dinner, and didn't lift a fucking finger to help. DH and i bought the food, carried it all in, cooked it, served it, and cleared up.

No one offered to help. No one handed me a drink. I waited hand and foot on them all day. SIL seemed to be making an extra special point of doing nothing. She sat there as if in a restaurant and allowed us to serve her and bring her food and drinks.

Never again.

So next year... How do we make sure it doesn't happen? We can't refuse them, it's not our house. DH likes to cook, and won't upset MIL by saying anything. But what if they decide to descend on us again?

OP posts:

cakehoover123 · 27/12/2023 10:02

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 01:25

Yeah this is the answer. The problem is PIL are so terrified of upsetting BiL, and won't actually ask him what his plans are. They just silently hope he will grace them with his presence. So if he does suddenly announce he's coming, they'll pressure us to host him too.

Show quote history

Oh my god, this is my family. They will not ever ask DS what her plans are for fear of upsetting her. Usually she announces them at the last minute and they require everyone else to rearrange theirs.

If god forbid, we suggest we'd find it helpful to know the family's Christmas plans in advance, we're the unreasonable ones!

If your BIL/SIL are anything like my DS in other ways, then this is a passive-aggressive dynamic. They behave badly (last-minute announcements, not thanking you), but if you ever dare ask them to change, you will be the bully.

I think it is down to family dynamics: partly they have been spoilt as children, partly a deep insecurity.

Things that have helped me deal with it are: low expectations, working out my boundaries and setting them cheerfully, non-violent communication, and trying to find it funny as much as possible.

greenjojocat · 27/12/2023 10:03

YireosDodeAver · 27/12/2023 01:29

I'm confused because SIL & BIL have no power to force anyone to wait on them hand and foot. Why not let them sit there with no drink in their hands and if they says anything you just cheerily say "of course you can have a drink. Help yourself - and can you sort something for grandma and grandpa while you are up"

Likewise after food "come on sue and dave you aren't invalids. Shift yourselves and help clear please"
Or
"Right we did all the cooking it's up to you two to do the clearing" (settle on the sofa at thud point)

You need to formly resolve not to be thie skivvy and don't be afraid to say outloud that you aren't there as a servant and only MIL&PIL have the carte blanche to rest when there's work to be done.

Edited

Just so you know, "invalid" isn't a word that's used any more..

AnneValentine · 27/12/2023 10:07

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 02:08

Yeah, I didn't expect them to cook. But I would expect them to help out, clear up, get their own drinks etc. I wouldn't dream of sitting there being waited on.

Show quote history

You cannot take over someone’s home and dictate what happens when there.

choose. Cook for everyone or cook for no one. Or just stay home.

Crumpleton · 27/12/2023 10:15

Sorry I have to ask...

How is asking if someone would like to come to dinner offensive?

Even if those being asked are spoilt brats what would their reply be to a question asking about coming to join you for free food and drink....

I take great offence at being asked that.....
OK, so you won't be joining us?.

"F&£k off.....
OK so you're not coming.

I'll let you know just before I/we arrive....
Well you can F&£k off with that one, no hope of getting a dinner.

DawnButlersGayGiraffe · 27/12/2023 10:20

Unreasonable of them with the timing, but I think it's not unreasonable for BIL and SIL to act as guests after a 5 hour journey.

I'm guessing there's history- did they only have to do the 10 hour drive on the day because you were occupying the only spare rooms meaning they couldn't stay over? You who only live an hour away and who could have gone home?

PonyPatter44 · 27/12/2023 10:21

But WHY didn't you just ask them for some help? Driving for five hours is their own stupid choice, doesn't mean you can't ask them to pitch in and help!

nutster · 27/12/2023 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WonderingWanda · 27/12/2023 10:24

Did you try saying anythink like? "Can I have a hand please?" Or "Seeing as we did the cooking, who's on washing up duty?"

Just do christmas at home next year, invite your inlaws or let them get on with hosting selfish bil and sil.

DidiAskYouThough · 27/12/2023 10:24

rickyrickygrimes · 27/12/2023 03:45

I don’t understand why everyone seems afraid to talk to each other openly? PIL are scared to talk to BIL, your DH doesn’t want to ‘upset’ MIL, both of you seem incapable of asserting yourselves and asking DB and family to help out 🤷‍♀️. you go along with all this rather than standing up for yourselves, then blame other people for walking all over you?

Yeah, this. Everyone acting like weirdos for no reason. Some of my relatives indulge in this ‘don’t say anything to him’/ keeping ‘the peace’ and then everyone is miserable except the pisstakers. I don’t obey these unspoken, made up rules, it’s great. No one died.

Crumpleton · 27/12/2023 10:33

DidiAskYouThough · 27/12/2023 10:24

Show quote history

Quite frankly if someone can get upset at being asked if they'd be coming for dinner you'd not be inviting them, ever, as lord knows what type of conversations you'd be having... Like walking on ice wondering when said guest is going to take offence and flounce off.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 27/12/2023 10:38

OP, I’d get my dh to tell BiL in plenty of time next year, that if they decide in future to arrive without reasonable notice, e.g. at least a week, that there won’t be enough food for them, because you and he and NOT going to be running around like blue-arsed flies, doing eleventh-hour shopping and prep.

comingintomyown · 27/12/2023 10:38

If I had the arrangements in place that you did if someone announced they were going to come as a family of 5 3 days before Christmas it would have been a no from me. It would be different if it was some kind of emergency or something had happened but to just decide you’re taking your entire family elsewhere for Christmas at that short notice ?
It all sounds most odd to me and the fact you all tiptoe around not saying anything and you are asking how to avoid it happening again like it actually might !!

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2023 10:40

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 01:18

But how do we say that, if they're literally just dropping in at dinner time after a 5hr drive? They won't have any intention of cooking.

Use your voice and tell ask them to do things.

BiL - please wash those pans. SiL please peel those carrots etc etc.

Point out that you and DH aren't clearing away - they are!

You don't HAVE to put up with it

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 27/12/2023 10:41

Oh God use your words.

"BIL it's mental in the kitchen, please come and drain the veg and serve it onto plates while I carve the turkey".

"SIL can you make sure everyone has a drink before we sit down?"

After dinner with a satisfied pat of tummy:

"Aaah that was good, so nice to sit down and relax after running around cooking all morning. I'll watch the kids while you get on with the washing up, you two" tinkly laugh

The way to avoid you doing everything is not to do it. Simple. Also your MIL doesn't have to b the one who asks them what they're doing, presumably you have a phone so before you do the shop say "just going to get the grub for Christmas at MIL's, will you guys be coming at all and if so how long for so I can get enough." If they say they don't know yet just say "ok I'll get enough for us then, if you decide to come you'll need to bring some with you!"

None of this is rude or should be problematic. Just be politely assertive. And do a bit more sitting and waiting for them to need something - if you're waiting on them hand and foot they never get a chance to feel the want of something, and might feel a bit more ashamed of actually demanding you fetch them a drink/meal etc than just recieving it as you flutter around playing perfect martyr.

The reward for being the best sweeper is they give you a bigger broom. Put yours down.

ChaToilLeam · 27/12/2023 10:45

I don’t get why you are all so passive.

Shinyandnew1 · 27/12/2023 10:47

I would make sure DH tells his parents now something along the lines of ‘god, we found that hard work having X and Y decide to come to dinner last minute, especially as they don’t help at all! I don’t think we want to do that again. You are welcome to us next Christmas-we will come and get you so you can stay. If you’d rather host x and y yourselves though, let us know’

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 27/12/2023 10:50

Also pretty obvious you don't like them (BIL and SIL). This may be because they're dicks of course or it may be you as there's a waft of martyrdom and judgmentalness in all your "I would never DREAM of being waited on" and your Spidey remarks about your SIL that suggest you get a kick out of you and your DH being the "good ones". So why are you spending Christmas with them?

Early doors invite the PIL to come to yours next year. If they prevaricate and say "oh we need to see what BIL and SIL are doing", have a nice family Christmas at home with your DH and kids and pop over to see the grandparents on Boxing Day like many people do. Then either the BIL and SIL will show up and have to put a bit of graft in, or they won't and the PIL will learn if you cater exclusively to the behaviour of the difficult people in your family you may have to do without the nice ones and end up on your own on Christmas day. Best outcome either way is that you don't have to do Christmas with people you clearly dislike.

GabriellaMontez · 27/12/2023 10:50

Dh speaks to bil well in advance to figure out if he's coming.

If he is, they're given items to bring.

When they arrive, everyone is shown where the drinks and glasses are and gets their own for the day.

All children are allocated a task(s), well in advance.

OR be a Christmas slave again.

Vigility · 27/12/2023 10:50

YireosDodeAver · 27/12/2023 01:29

You need to formly resolve not to be thie skivvy and don't be afraid to say outloud that you aren't there as a servant and only MIL&PIL have the carte blanche to rest when there's work to be done.

Edited

Hear, hear!!

There have been so many threads where people are run ragged doing everything for other people then moan that they want to do things differently next time. Just stop.

Channel that selfishness and stop doing things for other people who don’t appreciate it or have the good manner to acknowledge it.

Familiaritybreedscontemptso · 27/12/2023 10:51

just use your words.

If you’re not prepared to do that, then accept you will be simmering with resentment - but it’s on you.

Cherrysoup · 27/12/2023 10:51

Just have your pil to yours, solves all issues. I can’t understand why your Dh doesn’t speak to his brother in advance.

Codlingmoths · 27/12/2023 10:56

When they pressure you to host bil and family too, you say no fucking way. One year of being the Christmas slave for them is one year too many.

Ulysees · 27/12/2023 11:02

You or dh need to say something. Preferably DH.

I get they're exhausted but we travelled 7 hours by car recently and weren't that exhausted. It's lazy and rude.

SoupDragon · 27/12/2023 11:10

At least 3 of the five people who traveled just sat on their arses playing on their phones for 5 hours.

JudgeJ · 27/12/2023 11:11

Cantrushart · 27/12/2023 01:23

If I were driving for 10 hours in a single day, I don't think I'd be in a fit state to jump up and help with the cooking and washing up.

Then don't do it, either stay at home or find somewhere to spend the night, preferably once you've made your plans clear to others earlier than two days! Choosing to make a crazy trip doesn't become an excuse for being bone idle and letting others run around after you.

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