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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas slave for the in-laws

247 replies

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 01:15

I've just had the worst Christmas of my life, and I need some suggestions on how to make sure this never happens again.

DH, 2 DC and I usually go to his parents for Christmas. His brother lives 5 hrs drive away so he, his wife and 3 kids (teenagers) sometimes come to stay with their parents for Christmas, and sometimes stay home. However, it's always awkward as MIL seems terrified if actually asking them what their plans are, so she waits for them to tell her.

Parents in law are elderly, and we don't want them to have to drive to us (about an hour away), and don't want them to do all the work. So this year, DH and I offered to cook Christmas dinner for us at their house.

Last Friday, BIL announces they are coming to PIL for Christmas dinner for the DAY (10 hour round trip with 3 kids). We had already bought the food, so had to rush out to get more for the extra 5 people. Christmas day, they arrived for dinner... Sat down, ate dinner, and didn't lift a fucking finger to help. DH and i bought the food, carried it all in, cooked it, served it, and cleared up.

No one offered to help. No one handed me a drink. I waited hand and foot on them all day. SIL seemed to be making an extra special point of doing nothing. She sat there as if in a restaurant and allowed us to serve her and bring her food and drinks.

Never again.

So next year... How do we make sure it doesn't happen? We can't refuse them, it's not our house. DH likes to cook, and won't upset MIL by saying anything. But what if they decide to descend on us again?

OP posts:
mcmooberry · 27/12/2023 11:16

I personally would be happy to wait on people who had had a 5 hour journey with another one to face. My family had an 8 hour journey (stayed 3 nights) and I am more than happy for them to have a total break while me and my DH do everything, I appreciate the effort and cost for them to come.

Brefugee · 27/12/2023 11:18

only read the OP. Don't wait to be offered, hand out jobs as people arrive.
5 extra people say they're coming at short notice: "bring food" give them a list.

don't go to the in laws every year (although your DH may want to if they are frail and elderly)

SuzanneDavis · 27/12/2023 11:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Yoyoban · 27/12/2023 11:26

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 01:25

Yeah this is the answer. The problem is PIL are so terrified of upsetting BiL, and won't actually ask him what his plans are. They just silently hope he will grace them with his presence. So if he does suddenly announce he's coming, they'll pressure us to host him too.

Show quote history

This is such a non-problem. Just ask him his plans yourself/ your dp ask him.

It amazes me people manage to reach adulthood /get into relationships without developing even the most basic communication skills

LookItsMeAgain · 27/12/2023 11:34

You book a hotel or self catering location that you can relax in, that you can get your PiL to and you cook and entertain there.

If anyone else wants to join they can cook for themselves and join you for games and Christmas cake and mince pies after dinner.

That's what I'd do.

LookItsMeAgain · 27/12/2023 11:39

SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 01:25

Yeah this is the answer. The problem is PIL are so terrified of upsetting BiL, and won't actually ask him what his plans are. They just silently hope he will grace them with his presence. So if he does suddenly announce he's coming, they'll pressure us to host him too.

Show quote history

If MiL or PiL 'pressure you in to hosting BiL too' then you find your voice and say "Oh, I'm sorry MiL, that won't be possible this year. Perhaps BiL can visit you on Boxing Day instead this year?" then if he can't say "Oh that's fine, we'll see you on Boxing Day and BiL can see you on Christmas Day"

Have your answers prepared. Be prepared for whatever reason she may have for you so that you have your own answer ready for her.

nunsflipflop · 27/12/2023 11:41

This sounds like a power play from your BIL. He knows that his parents will revolve their plans completely around him, so he makes them wait until the very last minute to reveal his plans. The fact that when he arrives, he and his wife are treated like royalty, makes his 5 hour trip worthwhile.

Time for your DH to say something, and make sure you’re not caught out like that again next year.

Original poster
SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 11:42

wasanneofcleves · 27/12/2023 09:39

My PIL are like this. It's an almost pathological fear of directness. It's infuriating. It extends to answering direct questions too...eg "what are you doing for Easter next year?" Them: "well we had a lovely Easter last year didn't we..."

It's infuriating

Show quote history

Do we have the same PIL? They are exactly like this. Won't ask BiL what his plans are, and won't answer a direct question. MIL and I have conversations like Me:"what's BiL planning to do for Christmas?"...MIL: "Oh they've been awfully busy"... Me:"that's nice, but what are they planning to do for Christmas?"... MIL:"We spoke to the children last week, they told us about their concert"... Me:"That's nice but what are they planning to do for Christmas?"...MIL:"they've got a dog now". Drives me batty.

OP posts:
Original poster
SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 11:44

Thereissomelight · 27/12/2023 09:42

Maybe the BIL is difficult. Some people are like this - can’t be asked the simplest question. The PILs may be afraid if not being allowed to see the GC if they push too hard. It happens.

I think this is it. PIL are desperate not to upset the apple cart, and are grateful for any time with their grandchildren. So they won't ask. They just silently hope

OP posts:
Original poster
SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 11:49

DawnButlersGayGiraffe · 27/12/2023 10:20

Unreasonable of them with the timing, but I think it's not unreasonable for BIL and SIL to act as guests after a 5 hour journey.

I'm guessing there's history- did they only have to do the 10 hour drive on the day because you were occupying the only spare rooms meaning they couldn't stay over? You who only live an hour away and who could have gone home?

No we weren't staying over. The rooms were available for them to use. They chose to do the 10hr round trip on Christmas day.

OP posts:
Namerequired · 27/12/2023 11:51

Can you just ask bil what they are doing? Do they ever host parents? Maybe you could ask them next year if they are having it with the parents, then you could do dinner at home/visit later.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 27/12/2023 11:54

Why would it upset someone to ask them what their plans are? Confused

Original poster
SweetBonanza · 27/12/2023 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hi there

OP posts:
letsallmeetupinthehyear2000 · 27/12/2023 11:57

A- They have no manners
B- do they ever host?
C - complete lack of manners and empathy - no idea how knackering it is to host

RowanMayfair · 27/12/2023 11:57

Why doesn't your DH ask his brother what their plans are? And why didn't he have a word with his brother about helping?

WinterDeWinter · 27/12/2023 12:02

If you have it at yours, you can ask BIL directly yourself.

you could have done throat this time tbh - BIL, we’re shopping and cooking this year so we need to know if you’re coming.

then if they come be bright and breezy with th ‘right, team - BIL you’re on clearing duty and SIL you’re on washing up.’

AliceOlive · 27/12/2023 12:05

RowanMayfair · 27/12/2023 11:57

Why doesn't your DH ask his brother what their plans are? And why didn't he have a word with his brother about helping?

I think they are a family that does not ask and will not answer questions. Bit like the OP, as a number of people have asked this already.

ManagedMove · 27/12/2023 12:25

I'd message them in the New Year, something like, Happy New Year, was amazing we were all able to get together at Christmas. Hoping we can do it next year - although we won't be hosting as it was exhausting 😂😅 let us know if anyone else is able to host and we'll be there, otherwise quiet one for us ❤️💖

rwalker · 27/12/2023 12:30

Get marks and Spencer food delivered straight to pil just enough for u 4

TheLurpackYears · 27/12/2023 12:34

If I was SIL I would stay sat down untill after my husband had been asked/offer to help, no reason why she is front of the line.

rwalker · 27/12/2023 12:43

TheLurpackYears · 27/12/2023 12:34

If I was SIL I would stay sat down untill after my husband had been asked/offer to help, no reason why she is front of the line.

In that case why wouldn’t you nudge your DH into action
if he hasn’t been asked or offered
if your that desperate to make a stand for women and not help till ever male in the household has a tea towel in there hand

AliceOlive · 27/12/2023 12:58

I guess I don’t see the big deal. Cooking the meal was a gift to the parents. BIl and SIL drove ten hours. OP and her DH chose to serve them. Chose not to ask questions about their travel plans or for help. It wouldn’t bother me to do this once a year for my elderly in-laws.

Id be more annoyed with myself and my DH for not being able to ask a simple question of his brother.

Wellhellooooodear · 27/12/2023 13:27

That's rubbish OP but why on earth didn't you say anything. "Grab me a Prosecco Sandra", after dinner "right I'm going to relax for a bit while you guys wash up" etc, etc. CFs of the highest order.

WhatNoRaisins · 27/12/2023 13:36

Do they always do a 10 hour drive for Christmas? If it was a one off it may well be that they won't want to do so again but if not you might need to be blunt. Tell them that next year if you want to be together everyone needs to pitch in and if it's too much on top of the long journey you need to make plans and stay over.

Marchitectmummy · 27/12/2023 13:46

This is very straight forward to resolve. In the lead up to Christmas set up a WhatsApp groups and organise everyone.

Something like we will buy and cook dinner, pil you OK getting the wine and setting up the table, bil can you get snacks, serve wine and clear up after etc

Then they know who is doing what

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