to ask if you’re a parent with kids on loud devices in public what’s your reasoning?

[AMuser]

…just can not quite fathom it?

This afternoon in a beautiful 5 star hotel. A quiet lounge room with various family groups and so on. Suddenly aware of the awful referred noise of a kid watching his phone on full volume. He was aged about 8 or 9 and sitting with his parents - quite some way away from me (to show how loud it was).

Waited awhile to see if it would stop. It didn’t. So went over asked politely could they please put the child’s phone on silent. Seemingly decent woman immediately goes on the attack “why should he”. Well you’re in a public place and it’s rude. “Who says” was her response. I mean, if you don’t realise that what hope is there.

I’ve got 4 older kids who did have iPads etc at a certain point. But always with headphones or on silent. Newsflash they will still stare at it regardless

Rather lovely young Dad seated much closer to them came over and thanked me. Said he’d wanted to say something as it was so grating but his wife had asked him not to.

So if you do this - what is your reasoning? Why is this ok?

YABU - my child (or indeed my own) need to listen to tik tok / you tube / Cocomelon etc trumps anyone else in a public place that might not want to hear our devices.

YANBU - and we must rise up in the most unBritish fashion to challenge this insanity & establish order once more and let people know they need to get headphones or go home to blast their phones in public

Coming onto 2 decades not going places/doing things bc of DC disabilities/ people’s reactions and I’ve stopped doing that now. Obviously we dont go in the quiet section of trains or libraries etc but DC goes out with me out to eat etc when I can get them to and if they need their tablet I always have it handy. We all have to live in this beautiful world

@ColleenDonaghy

Yes have to agree

What did all these kids do before screens etc

Brilliant that you said something
they shouldn’t be using gadgets anyway

There is no reasoning. It’s a personality flaw. Selfishness, laziness and entitlement with total disregard for other people.

Do try not to sit anywhere near me then. My younger son has significant LDs and ASD and I do what you might ignorantly call 'performance parenting' to encourage his limited speech (get him to name things he can spot), enhance shared attention (always a challenge with ASD) and just generally encourage him to interact with other people. (He's actually a Youtube addict at home but we don't use screens with media for him when out and about, for many reasons.)

I used to give a bit of a shit that my perky, audible engagement with him might raise hackles but now I'm afraid I don't. It's not broadcast through a megaphone and it's certainly not amplified electronic noise via a device, and I put my trust in most people being civil and understanding enough to realise that this is the way I have to be with my very obviously disabled son. The small minority who sneer at what they perceive to be Loud Parenting can kindly do one.

My autistic child had his tablet when we had Christmas dinner in a Harvester this year kept him entertained and quiet while we could catch up with family. However he had it on silent, if he did want sound he would of had to use headphones. No problem with children on devices but not with sound on!

It isn’t just kids. I recently was on a bus in the London suburbs and a woman was watching something on YouTube so loudly that four or five people (including DD and I) had to go onto the top deck of the bus to get away from it.

Before going upstairs I said could you turn it down and she looked utterly nonplussed as if I had been talking another language.

I think attitudes to this have changed radically in a couple of generations. It is considered so normal these days to be in a constant state of sensory overload that it would strike some people as odd to have a problem with anyone watching video content with the volume on.

Its a bit like attitudes to TV. I was born in the early 70s and for my parents generation it was frowned upon a bit and thought to be a bit common to watch tv. Any such hang up about this has completely gone. It’s the same with people watching videos on phones etc. Ten, fifteen years ago it was thought to be a bit chavvy and ill mannered to do this in public but that’s disappeared and I think it would not occur to some people now that it might be bad manners.

Why can’t children sit still and behave themselves without it? Of course they can

If the parents can be bothered to parent them, they can. It's only in the past decade or two that portable devices have been available to use. What do today's parents imagine people have done for the last few millenia?

1. Kids never used to get taken to places like coffee shops and restaurants until the last 10-15 years. When I was a child, a visit to a coffee shop was an occasional treat when we went into town, and the only time I ate out was McDonalds maybe twice a year. Now we go to coffee shops about twice a week and eat out every week or two. So it was never previously an issue getting kids to behave because kids didn’t go to those places.

1. Life is more busy. Houses cost two salaries. The cost of living is high. People have to work more. Most families have two working parents. So when they go to a place like a coffee shop they want to relax for a few minutes and spend time together, not parent their kids.

Some ND kids with severe learning disabilities won’t wear headphones and only music from tablet or phone helps to regulate, and usually it’s a lifelong disability

My dd has severe LD. There are other ways of regulating behaviour that doesn't involve causing discomfort to others. You just have to find them. It's hard work, but there's always a way. And if there really isn't, and the journey or visit has to be made, then that is understandable to most people. But that group would be vanishingly small. If it was a rare occurrence, then most people would realise there was a very good reason for it. It is not a rare occurence - it happens every day, on every bus and train and almost every cafe and public place I visit.

That's the problem. Lazy parents who use it to get out of parenting spoil it for those of use who would use it sparingly and only when absolutely necessary.

Parents do this because they're trying to stop their children from (god forbid apparently) making any noises and spoiling the ambience for those around them (with cat bum faces that believe children should be seen and not heard).

So they're damned if they do, and they're damned if they don't.

Maybe concern yourself with your own life rather than judging parents trying to do their best and then going to the lengths to make a post about it, patting yourself on the back.

Christ. Utterly ridiculous.

And some who are ND don't like loud noise

My dd's housemate is autistic with LD. She won't get on a bus in case someone has a device playing. It causes her a whole day of extra anxiety and can even cause her a meltdown. A lot of her benefits go on taxis for this reason. It's very sad, when you are able enough to catch a bus alone, but you can't because of the selfishness of others.

Of course most children can be taught to behave themselves out and about without a screen. Fair enough if parents decide to use screens to eek out a bit of peace at the table - we don't and it can be frustrating at times and there's certainly no lingering over a coffee after a meal.

But if you're going to use the screens, don't disturb others with the volume.

i mean, you could put your hearing aids on

And make the sounds from the devices louder.

Not really. Just give them headphones.

Eh? Parents get their children to make constant loud noises because they are trying to stop them making loud noises?
There’s a flaw in that plan somewhere.

Headphones are great. When I saw DNephew the other day he’d had headphones on with his iPad in the car. Partly not to disturb anyone but also his DM has a 10 week old baby she’s having to deal with feeds/sleep.

I hate loud devices but on buses people can be talking really loud or yelling or kids doing that ear piercing screaming or groups being noisy so I don't get thr logic of not getting on a bus because of a device

Oh, dear.

Parents do this because they're trying to stop their children from (god forbid apparently) making any noises and spoiling the ambience for those around them (with cat bum faces that believe children should be seen and not heard).

So they're damned if they do, and they're damned if they don't.

No they're not damned if they do, damned if they don't. There's lots of options:

• choose to time outings so they work for the children
• choose to leave a place if you can tell your child is getting wound up and you're concerned they're not going to settle
• choose appropriate outings to teach children how to behave in various public places, explain and support appropriate behaviour
• bring small toys, books, colouring, sticker books etc to entertain young children
• use a device that your child likes on silent
• use a device that your child likes with headphones in

These options all require a little effort and responsibility on the part of the parent though, so it's understandable that some will decide there's only two options (kids run riot, shriek the place down and behave inappropriately Vs have a device on loud mode).

on buses people can be talking really loud or yelling or kids doing that ear piercing screaming or groups being noisy so I don't get thr logic of not getting on a bus because of a device

It's the electronic noise. It's different to the general noise of people. It has a piercing repetetive quality.

The sounds from devices are different from people just chatting. There's music, cartoonish voices, beeps etc as well as the quality being different.

I've no issues with hearing and am NT and I can grasp that, surely you can too?

So in order to not disturb dozens of people with the noise children make it is necessary to disturb dozens of people with canned laughter or music or tv voices?

That makes no sense at all.

I totally understand the need to keep children quiet by offering them something to do but I cannot grasp why there should ever be a scenario where they have to do it without headphones. There is no justification for inflicting one child’s tv content on a room full of adults. Nor do I buy that neurodiversity is an excuse.

I am perfectly happy to cut some slack to parents with children with SEN for whom mainstream parenting techniques and discipline don’t work but I am not going to avoid ever asking anyone to turn the electronic noise down just in case their child might happen to be in that category.

I took my son on a long train journey last week (5 hours) with ipad and headphones. The number of grown adults watching youtube (conspiracy theories) or listning to music out loud was insane. There was a group who thought the whole carriage wanted to listen to Christmas music for 2 hours!