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Original poster

DSD taking home the vodka she brought to 'contribute' to Christmas

245 replies

Twigletgirl27 · 26/12/2023 12:15

My DSD is 31 and for context doesn't work, I don't think she ever had in the 13 years I've known her. She has a flat about 20 miles from us.

She comes to us for Christmas every year and her dad asks her to bring a contribution for the day, which is usually the alcohol she drinks. I wouldn't dream of asking for money towards the meal but feel bringing something is the right and thoughtful thing to do (though she needs to be reminded every year).....

She brought vodka and seemed to have a few, mixed with coke, over Christmas Eve and Christmas Day which she made herself. However this morning when packing to go a two thirds full bottle of vodka is with her stuff to take home. So clearly she has been drinking our booze and even this tiny contribution to the day she is taking home.

Her dad says he will speak to her at some point. I know she'd make a scene, shouting and slamming doors (yes, at 31...) so today probably wasn't a good day, but am I being petty and unreasonable expecting her to leave the vodka here? I would have happily drank it!

OP posts:
JazzyJogger · 26/12/2023 12:49

Next time ask for crisps or nuts as a contribution. Cheaper than vodka and will probably be eaten .

Ponoka7 · 26/12/2023 12:49

Deathbyfluffy · 26/12/2023 12:36

Sounds like good reasoning though - the DSD sounds like a waste of space.

Show quote history

Well the OP's DH will have had some influence on the adult she turned in to. However it could be because of disability etc why she doesn't work.

OP it's usual to host your children if you can afford to. If there aren't any issues causing her behaviour then it's about time your DH became a responsible parent and pulled her up and had a word about her lifestyle.

Bananalanacake · 26/12/2023 12:50

If she isn't able to work she must have medical or mental health issues so I would go easy on her, (but think it's a tad cheeky).

bigyellowmoxi · 26/12/2023 12:53

CharmedCult · 26/12/2023 12:46

The only people I know who take home the booze they brought with them are students.

In my social circle it’s really not the norm to take a bottle of something, help yourself to the hosts drinks instead, and then take home what you brought. People have usually grown out of that student mentality by their 30’s.

Let me guess, she’s single and friendless?

In my social circle it's often the opposite. We'll bring what we drink and send people home with any that's left. It's just what we've always done and saves everyone money plus we're not lumbered with booze we won't drink.

We've got varying incomes in our group and a couple are single parents who are struggling for example. I would hate someone not to come to my house because they couldn't afford to contribute something. Fuck that.

bigyellowmoxi · 26/12/2023 12:54

mumda · 26/12/2023 12:46

I would have packed her off with some mince pies and cake too.

Yep!

What a mean bunch of shits there are here.

PurplePansy05 · 26/12/2023 12:57

It's not the vodka, is it. You just don't like her and her actions annoy you. It's part of a bigger picture.

nettie434 · 26/12/2023 12:58

There's never a complete consensus on threads like these about whether it is right to take home unused contributions. Personally, I would have liked to buy champagne or a pudding that everyone could share and is clearly a way of thanking the host.

This looks like it is part of a bigger situation in terms of the extent to which the step daughter is managing her life at 31. Maybe it would be better to focus on that and just ignore the vodka.

Copperoliverbear · 26/12/2023 13:01

I wouldn't bother wasting my time talking to her about it, that's the way she is and she's obviously more desperate for it than you are. X

TitaniasAss · 26/12/2023 13:01

It's not really that important in the grand scheme of things. You clearly don't like her, it's very apparent in your post, and that's fine - but I can't imagine even mentioning this to my DH if I had noticed it. It just strikes me as trying to create some conflict.

Yes, I think it's polite to contribute an appropriate gift to the hosts, no I don't think it's worth creating family drama over.

TinselTitts · 26/12/2023 13:02

CharmedCult · 26/12/2023 12:46

The only people I know who take home the booze they brought with them are students.

In my social circle it’s really not the norm to take a bottle of something, help yourself to the hosts drinks instead, and then take home what you brought. People have usually grown out of that student mentality by their 30’s.

Let me guess, she’s single and friendless?

They may be the only people you know who would take home the booze they brought with them, but can your mind not stretch to the fact that someone who has no money, and was asked by their dad to bring their own drink on Christmas day, might want to take it home again so they can have a drink on NYE for example?

It doesn't take much imagination.

WellOwlBeDamned · 26/12/2023 13:02

LittleGreenDragons · 26/12/2023 12:33

She comes to us for Christmas every year and her dad asks her to bring a contribution for the day,

Next time specify she brings pudding. Her father can tell her which one, ie Christmas pudding, or a cheesecake or yule log. Something you will all eat. He can also tell her to bring her own alcoholic drinks if she wants one. He needs to do it, and if he won't then tell him it's time she found alternative arrangements as you are finding yourself getting resentful at the whole situation and you want changes.

Or continue in this way for the next thirty years.

Totally agree Little @Twigletgirl27 and OH need to specify what DD is to contribute given that ‘contribution’ suggests to everyone at the meal and not just what DD herself will be eating/drinking

Pudding, side dish, cheese & crackers, or even as Jazzy says, crisps and nuts, whatever according to budget/preferences.

But it needs to be a contribution that can be shared amongst everyone there, or it’s not really a ‘contribution’ to a family meal at all is it?

None of which needs said now if you don’t want to, just make clear before the next joint meal what is expected by suggesting a dish rather than alcohol.

SelectiveParticipation · 26/12/2023 13:03

mumda · 26/12/2023 12:46

I would have packed her off with some mince pies and cake too.

Same here. That’s what my parents always do when we are there, and we do the same when they are at our place for a bbq or whatever.

BeadedBubbles · 26/12/2023 13:04

Cosyblankets · 26/12/2023 12:34

I hosted yesterday.
I just packed up the stuff that family brought that we don't eat or drink so they can take it back home with them.
I don't see the issue

Giving visitors stuff to take home is completely different to visitors taking stuff home without it being offered to them or even back to them if they brought it as a contribution.

LoopyLooooo · 26/12/2023 13:04

Ponoka7 · 26/12/2023 12:49

Well the OP's DH will have had some influence on the adult she turned in to. However it could be because of disability etc why she doesn't work.

OP it's usual to host your children if you can afford to. If there aren't any issues causing her behaviour then it's about time your DH became a responsible parent and pulled her up and had a word about her lifestyle.

Show quote history

OP it's usual to host your children if you can afford to. If there aren't any issues causing her behaviour then it's about time your DH became a responsible parent and pulled her up and had a word about her lifestyle.

The OP is estranged from her own adult children.

I wonder if this is why she resents her adult step daughter coming from Christmas?

Kisskiss · 26/12/2023 13:05

Uh a lot of you are bashing OP. Is it really normal to bring something to someone’s house when they are hosting you, and take it back with you after? I’m cringing at the thought!! At 31 she should really know better and have better manners

Gardeningtime · 26/12/2023 13:05

Copperoliverbear · 26/12/2023 13:01

I wouldn't bother wasting my time talking to her about it, that's the way she is and she's obviously more desperate for it than you are. X

I’m not sure, the op says she wanted to drink it. Bun fight over the voddy. I can see why the father has said he won’t say anything now. Really unedifying.

RayKray · 26/12/2023 13:06

Does it matter? Trying to read all the complex and contradictory social cues with families, particularly at Xmas, can be very difficult for many. You obviously think she did something wrong, she presumably doesn't. Does it need to be something to get bothered about?

PuffyShirt · 26/12/2023 13:06

How petty to let it wind you up.

My husband’s family will turn up with nothing at all. We have a little joke about it in private, but we really don’t care.

Holidayhell22 · 26/12/2023 13:06

She sounds like a freeloader.
She was asked to bring a contribution. That’s more than a bottle of alcohol to drink herself.
There seem to be so many rude, ungrateful people about.

Gardeningtime · 26/12/2023 13:06

Kisskiss · 26/12/2023 13:05

Uh a lot of you are bashing OP. Is it really normal to bring something to someone’s house when they are hosting you, and take it back with you after? I’m cringing at the thought!! At 31 she should really know better and have better manners

It’s going to her dads for Xmas, not a friend or distant member and lots of people don’t ask their kids to contribute when they host Xmas. Or count the drinks as the op did.

TinselTitts · 26/12/2023 13:06

BeadedBubbles · 26/12/2023 13:04

Giving visitors stuff to take home is completely different to visitors taking stuff home without it being offered to them or even back to them if they brought it as a contribution.

Show quote history

Not everyone considers their own offspring as 'visitors', although the OP clearly views her DSD in this way.

But she was spending Christmas day with her father. My DH and I just don't view our adult sons as 'visitors'.

Alondra · 26/12/2023 13:07

Rude and awful manners. She's 31, didn't contribute at all except for the alcohol bottle she brought and took home with her because it wasn't drunk. I expect this behaviour from someone in their early 20s in Uni and with little money. Not from a full adult in their 30s. If she doesn't have a lot of money to spare, she should have left the bottle of vodka behind as her contribution..

Next year tell her she's expected to bring some food and a couple of bottles of wines. Which you will drink.

I can't stomach the level of selfishness and rudeness in some adults.

Differentstarts · 26/12/2023 13:07

Does it really matter.

Gardeningtime · 26/12/2023 13:08

TinselTitts · 26/12/2023 13:06

Not everyone considers their own offspring as 'visitors', although the OP clearly views her DSD in this way.

But she was spending Christmas day with her father. My DH and I just don't view our adult sons as 'visitors'.

Show quote history

Me neither, I had my adult child here for Xmas, I don’t view her as a visitor, do not ask her to contribute, I love having her here, and wish to provide Xmas dinner for her. I get the op doesn’t feel the same way though.

DuplicateUserName · 26/12/2023 13:08

Kisskiss · 26/12/2023 13:05

Uh a lot of you are bashing OP. Is it really normal to bring something to someone’s house when they are hosting you, and take it back with you after? I’m cringing at the thought!! At 31 she should really know better and have better manners

Have you missed the fact she's unemployed?

All these posts from people who are privileged enough to not have to think about taking 2/3 of a bottle of vodka home to possibly see in the new year 🙄