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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed with SILs decision re new baby.

885 replies

ankara · 26/12/2023 09:02

Respecting that all parents are quite within their rights to determine interaction between others and their babies, I am very disappointed and a bit 🙄 at SILs decision to put up a big sign at baby's cradle saying no touching , no lifting, no kissing.
There are no medical reasons for this. Baby is three weeks old.
None of the family have been allowed to do the above unless baby has been handed to family to give a bottle or r change baby.
I understand; that this is their first and is of course most precious but we are all a bit Confused and also disappointed as we love babies and we're so looking forward to cuddles .
Brother just goes along with her.
Is this a new thing? My kids are nearly teens now and I've not seen this before .

OP posts:
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6
Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 26/12/2023 09:43

Tandora · 26/12/2023 09:42

😆

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Why don't you believe in the concept of consent?

Mintymintymintymint · 26/12/2023 09:43

Newnameag · 26/12/2023 09:15

The sign is a bit overkill but I wish I could have put that message across without the sign. If I go to visit a new baby, even if I was family, I’d never think it was okay to just go in and lift them out the pram or moses basket unless asked to. If they looked like they were meant to be sleeping as well I wouldn’t be in poking my fingers at them and obviously definitely wouldn’t kiss them. Someone kissed our baby at 4 weeks old and we ended up in hospital with her for 3 days with RSV. She had to get a lumbar puncture to rule out meningitis due to her high temperature, it was one of the most traumatic nights of my life 😢 I always saw things about RSV on Facebook and did always get my husband to say about the no kissing thing but someone still did and it did happen to us.

When our first was born my in-laws (one is actually just in-laws partner) came in and lifted baby, who was asleep, out his moses basket. I asked them to leave him as he was sleeping and was told they were here now and he should wake up because they want to see him! They made another similar dig when I was putting my daughter down for a sleep and I plucked up the courage to point out it’s a baby not a doll! I cried almost every time after they left my house first time round. It’s most likely someone who is feeling a bit anxious about having to have awkward conversations, particularly with family so yeah the sign is overkill but I would just be sympathetic to how she is probably feeling and offer any help you can offer with anything in the house

Sorry to hear about the RSV, but why on earth do you need to mention that someone is ‘just’ your in laws partner?!

(sorry can’t work out how to just quote part of a post)

TeenLifeMum · 26/12/2023 09:44

She’s probably on mn where people tell you this is normal. Totally bonkers behaviour by overly anxious first time mums. Yes there’s worry about germs but once you have a second dc the older dc brings home all the germs and you have to stop being so ott. It’s sad when families aren’t allowed to cuddle new babies and feels like a controlling power trip. Thankfully my family members and friends have always shared the baby cuddles.

Dynamoat · 26/12/2023 09:44

I thought the saying was "it takes a village" which presumably extends to said village passing babies round and exposing them to all kinds of illnesses too. I think it's odd to worry so much about colds. Yes it's not great to deal with a baby with a nose full of snot but that's all part of babies developing a decent immune system.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 26/12/2023 09:45

Tandora · 26/12/2023 09:40

I think you are confused about a) what boundaries are and b) whose “boundaries” you are talking about.

Edited
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Nope.
Again, what is your issue with consent and/or boundaries?

Ohhmydays · 26/12/2023 09:45

The sign is a bit OTT but if baby is sleeping i get her point. I had my oldest when i was 16 and even then I didn’t allow anyone to pick him up when he was sleeping. Even as a kid I was always told let sleeping babies lie. And i also didn’t let anyone kiss any of mine when they were babies.

bigyellowmoxi · 26/12/2023 09:45

ankara · 26/12/2023 09:33

There is no medical reason and baby being three weeks old is certainly no t a medical reason.
If a baby were to be so immunosuppressed by nature, it would not live past one day post partum.That's a silly argument.

It doesn't matter if you don't think they're boundaries are valid or if they have a good reason for not wanting their child to be passed around constantly. It's up to them and actually I think they're being sensible.

Again, I wonder if they anticipated some of the family not respecting what they ask and that's why they made the sign.

Would family members respect not kissing the baby if asked? Lots of medical evidence there about the risks to young babies.

A three week old baby hasn't had vaccinations and there's so many bugs around at the moment. Someone could be brewing Covid, flu, noro and not know.

Summer babies are much easier as you can be outside more and fewer people are sick.

olympicsrock · 26/12/2023 09:45

Three week old babies are vulnerable to infection. Incredibly so…. To think they are not is ‘silly’. Doi doctor and a mother whose 6 week old baby was very unwell from a resp bug caught at Christmas time.

PS When they do catch a bug their narrow nose canals are very easily blocked and breathing / feeding can be really hard.

NotARealWookiie · 26/12/2023 09:45

The sign surprised me but I’ve just had baby 2 and on discharge the advice was very strongly “don’t let anyone kiss your baby”, “make people wash their hands”. So sil has likely been told this.

Also, having been relentlessly unwell for months and recovering, the last thing I would want to deal with is a poorly newborn - sil may feel the same and be happier once it’s had vaccinations and is an age she can give calpol.

Im just thinking about her recovery, if she’s feeling crap, hormonal and struggling with not having been able to breastfeed then she might not be able to handle other people feeding her - I know it’s disappointing but it’s probably the right decision to protect their wellbeing at the moment and she shouldn’t have to explain herself to everyone if it’s related to her mental/physical health. Just try to go with it for now.

Mrsm010918 · 26/12/2023 09:45

Lilacdressinggown · 26/12/2023 09:23

Newborn babies are very robust. They have great immune systems as antibodies are passed to them via the placenta (plus breast milk). Newborns need lots of germs to continue to strengthen their immune system- this is very important. Lack of exposure to germs results in a hypersensitive immune system- asthma, exczema, hay fever etc

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The only antibodies that are passed are things that the mother is immune too. All the current colds and sickness bugs going around wouldn't be included in that.

And there's plenty of time for exposure to germs once they get moving and start putting everything in their mouths. Making babies ill on purpose so they can build an immune system is cruel to both parents and babies

Rewis · 26/12/2023 09:46

I have no intention of holding babies but I find the sign to be a bit ridiculous. Also I kinda feel weird that they're bringing baby around if they're so worried about germs and not wanting interaction with the baby. But then again I don't blame the mom for not wanting tons of people holding the baby. I do think it could be handled differently. Also I'm not sure SIL alone can be blamed for this.

ohdamnitjanet · 26/12/2023 09:46

The sign is nuts, and although I completely appreciate they don’t want the baby passed around, tbh they both sound a little unhinged. I don’t particularly care about cuddling babies so couldn’t care less if I did or didn’t, so hopefully I’m fairly unbiased. But good luck if the parents are ever unwell, or in a tough place, and need a little help with the baby from the people they’ve been so rude to.

DeeLusional · 26/12/2023 09:48

ankara · 26/12/2023 09:05

Of course, but it's our first time
Meeting baby and we won't see him again for some months.

It's not about you.

Mrsm010918 · 26/12/2023 09:48

Everydayimhuffling · 26/12/2023 09:25

Why do you think it's her driving it if it's ok when the husband isn't available? Surely that suggests that it's the husband driving it?

When I had my first 5 years ago the advice was for only the primary carers to feed the baby wherever possible, it was to do with bonding I believe.

It was usually me or DD father doing the feeding but my parents sometimes helped out so I could get on with something else

bigyellowmoxi · 26/12/2023 09:49

@determinedtomakethiswork babies need love and physical touch from their caregivers. Those early attachments to their parents is what's important at 3 weeks old.
They don't need to be the prize in a game of pass the parcel. They can develop perfectly loving relationships with people without that.

Honestly I love babies, I love cuddling them, feeding them, rocking them to sleep etc but if I'm not that child's parent I do as their parents want.

ChristmasAnticlimax · 26/12/2023 09:49

Loads of people gave Covid, flu, chest infections, cold sores etc. Their desire for cuddles doesn’t trump a newborns health.

Why can’t people just look at a baby and go ahhhh?

Forgottenmyphone · 26/12/2023 09:51

I could have written this post. I am in the exact same situation, except that the sign says “Too small for big germs” and baby is 3 months and has already had vaccinations.

HMW1906 · 26/12/2023 09:51

A baby is not a parcel to be passed around as you like.

She’s probably trying to avoid baby getting sick, winter is the worse time to have a newborn, RSV (caused by a common cold in us) can literally kill a newborn. Covid is also on the up again.

Advice these days is that only main care givers give baby a bottle whilst a feeding routine is established so as not to cause confusion for the baby and to help with bonding.

Get over yourself, it’s not all about you, your SIL has just birthed a human who she wants to protect,
let her do that or you’ll cause irreparable damage to your relationship and see even less of the kid.

Olika · 26/12/2023 09:52

Why does she need her husband to be present/give permission?

Tandora · 26/12/2023 09:52

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 26/12/2023 09:43

Why don't you believe in the concept of consent?

Show quote history

Lolll.
Actually I think consent is a very important principle, which is why I think it’s crucially important not to muddle it / confuse the issue by throwing around nonsense like the wrong of relatives “forcing affection” on babies without their “consent”.

Katypp · 26/12/2023 09:52

It's the modern way OP. Babies are now possessions not to be shared unless the mum deems it. Very controlling rude and unnecessary.
As a pp said, babies have been cuddled and held by others since the world began, so I don't know what has happened to the current generation that makes them so fragile and susceptible to germs.
There's a lot on nonsense peddled under the 'your baby. Your rules mantra and on here particularly, being a new mother seems to give a free pass to all sorts of ridiculous behavior. Then a year later, when they have done all they can to isolate their child, they are back on here complaining no-one wants to babysit.
I hope this particular new mother looks back and cringes

acupofteamakeseverythingbetter · 26/12/2023 09:54

Good for her. I also had a sign when my son was a baby, still didn't stop some people putting their fingers on his mouth and kissing him though 🙄 I hope I'm more firm this time round with setting boundaries about holding and touching my baby. I think last time I felt like people thought I was being a precious first time mum.

Like previous people have said, their immune systems aren't fully developed at that age and also they're not a doll!

Weefreetiffany · 26/12/2023 09:55

Dynamoat · 26/12/2023 09:44

I thought the saying was "it takes a village" which presumably extends to said village passing babies round and exposing them to all kinds of illnesses too. I think it's odd to worry so much about colds. Yes it's not great to deal with a baby with a nose full of snot but that's all part of babies developing a decent immune system.

Where is the village though? They turn up to meet the baby and have a new born snuggle and get their oxytocin and then leave again. The village is supposed to support the parents with the hard bits, not seek the new toy then, having ticked the box, go back to entertaining themselves elsewhere. If you were staying to make dinner and mind baby while I slept, by all means hold baby responsively as needed. If you’re just there for me to bring you tea and biscuits while you feel entitled to touch my baby and narky if I don’t let you, don’t bless me with a visit! 😆

Winterday1991 · 26/12/2023 09:55

wow that is so precious, what an idiot.