Page 35 | To be disappointed with SILs decision re new baby.

ankara · 2023-12-26T09:02:21+00:00

Respecting that all parents are quite within their rights to determine interaction between others and their babies, I am very disappointed and a bit 🙄 at SILs decision to put up a big sign at baby's cradle saying no touching , no lifting, no kissing. There are no medical reasons for this. Baby is three weeks old. None of the family have been allowed to do the above unless baby has been handed to family to give a bottle or r change baby. I understand; that this is their first and is of course most precious but we are all a bit [confused] and also disappointed as we love babies and we're so looking forward to cuddles . Brother just goes along with her. Is this a new thing? My kids are nearly teens now and I've not seen this before .

cravingmilkshake · 30/12/2023 15:01

Signs a bit much, however maybe she wasn't comfortable saying it.

I had visitors for my twins from 2 days old - and my son at 2 weeks was in hospital with RSV.

It was a really scary time. I missed much needed time with my two year old an 2 weeks with twin 2.

It's a scary time for some people.

CarrotCake01 · 30/12/2023 15:05

YABU. The sign is a bit much but I think it's fair enough to ask people not to be helping themselves and handling your newborn.

ToWhitToWhoo · 30/12/2023 15:49

Katypp · 30/12/2023 09:02

Now THAT'S entitled as well as rude. Why do people think being a new mum entitles you to be a complete arse?

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It's entitled to demand that visitors should run around helping you, yes. However, if someone DOES insist on helping, it's only fair to hope that they will do it in a way that actually helps, rather than hindering.

thing47 · 30/12/2023 16:35

Justforxmas2023 · 30/12/2023 12:23

Sorry this happened to you- hope your baby is ok.

@Katypp is absolutely insistent that mums are all on power trips. Seems a bizarre way of thinking to me.

There is irrefutable evidence that newborns/very young infants have underdeveloped immune systems so are more vulnerable to bugs eg those that would manifest as a common cold or cold sore in an adult. This has been pointed out on numerous occasions on this thread but this poster is not wanting to take this on board for some reason.

No-one is disputing that babies benefit from interaction with others but it is a fact that very young babies can become more unwell than older babies. Newborn babies need to bond with their mothers predominantly anyway and they can’t even see further than a few inches in front of their face so ‘bonding’ with aunties etc isn’t really going to happen at this stage. So surely it’s safer and more beneficial for them to have the majority of interactions with extended family when they are a bit older and more robust. By then they are eating stuff off the floor/going to babies groups/nursery etc anyway and will also have had benefit of first vaccinations too.

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All of this @Justforxmas2023, lots of common sense here. 3-week-old babies don't 'bond' with someone because they are briefly handled by them during a short visit.

One of my DDs has a 4-week-old baby, and is happy for her to be cuddled by friends and family but it is on her terms. She has strict rules regarding handwashing, no kissing and no visiting if you are ill. One or two family members have questioned the necessity of these and my DD just calmly points out that she works in the field (her Masters is literally entitled 'control of infectious diseases') and has made evidence-based decisions on the relative risks, with which she is comfortable. It's a polite version of 'my baby, my rules', which is, after al, the plain truth.

Cmonluv · 30/12/2023 16:50

iamwhatiam23 · 29/12/2023 18:49

Its the latest thing fad among new first time parents! I think its silly and completely neurotic but just smile sweetly and go along with it!

People who make comments like this are why parents are forced to have boundaries.

thecatsthecats · 30/12/2023 16:57

@Justforxmas2023 he's well, thank you, snoozing on my lap. The doctor said that it was probably a relatively mild cold that knocked him while he was also dealing with his 8 week jabs. A cold picked up at a damn family party, when he and I were under the weather.

3-week-old babies don't 'bond' with someone because they are briefly handled by them during a short visit.

This! In fact, my baby is a bossy little boy. He wants to be held by me only - he'll only socialise with others from my arms, or if he's lying on his back/in a bouncer. If I try to hand him to someone else he cries, then continues to ignore me whilst cooing and gurgling at them.

I have noticed a correlation between those who told me the newborn phase would be really REALLY really REALLY hard and those who insist it's normal to pass the baby around. I think that if you lean into the opposite fourth trimester theory and stay in tune with your baby and their tiny dictatorship, it's a lot easier.

iamwhatiam23 · 30/12/2023 16:57

@Cmonluv or they are simply insecure control freaks?

Cmonluv · 30/12/2023 17:04

iamwhatiam23 · 30/12/2023 16:57

@Cmonluv or they are simply insecure control freaks?

You can't be insecure AND make a stand against the people trying to override your wishes.

What is the insecurity you see?

For breastmilk production, feeding, reversing newborn jaundice, reducing risk of drop in newborn blood sugars, reducing risk of sids and promoting better long term attachment and mental health and many other factors newborns should be attached to their mother as much as possible.

For maternal outcomes, reduction in risk of post natal depression, mastitis, anxiety mums should be attached to their newborn's as much as possible.

Are you a mother in law? Because you come across a stage kind do woman who'd be moaning she had to make her own tea and her daughter in law wouldn't even get her a beverage let her give her new grandchild a bottle in peace

Justforxmas2023 · 30/12/2023 17:07

iamwhatiam23 · 30/12/2023 16:57

@Cmonluv or they are simply insecure control freaks?

@iamwhatiam23 I guess it’s easier to name call than read/digest sensible info from numerous PPs above and dispute it in a polite way?

@thecatsthecats I have noticed a correlation between those who told me the newborn phase would be really REALLY really REALLY hard and those who insist it's normal to pass the baby around. I think that if you lean into the opposite fourth trimester theory and stay in tune with your baby and their tiny dictatorship, it's a lot easier.
very interesting thought! I’ve found the newborn phase much easier than expected and have definitely erred more on the 4th trimester side.
My baby has met extended family lots of times but I have also been quite strict with hand washing/kissing etc (some of which has not been observed but that’s another story!)

florasmama · 30/12/2023 17:13

There really are some nasty pieces of work on this thread. Truly. Completely, all new parents are on a power trip. We want nothing more than to hurt your feelings and to stop you from holding our babies. Please note the sarcasm (I feel the need to make this abundantly clear as I think the only explanation for the way you're all talking about new parents must be that you're all a few bristles short of a broom).

Interestingly, one of you ignored my response to me addressing you. Clearly didn't know how to respond and felt the need to continue labouring a point that is not only completely unreasonable but also potentially dangerous.

Gonna cut this short because reading some of the hideous things that you are all writing makes me very angry.

Here is the simple gist:

No new parents are bothered about power. We are bothered about our babies. You are not important enough for us to even be thinking about. I personally wouldn't want any of you near my child because you clearly only care about yourselves. It's astonishing how many PPs have talked about how their babies went into ICU with RSV and other conditions at an extremely tender age and you seem to all completely miss those. Conveniently. Doesn't suit your agenda or feelings on the matter though, does it? Ick.

If you can't wait a few months for a baby to be vaccinated and to have built some more immunity, then that's purely down to your own selfishness. Shame on you. Huge thanks to those posters who speak total sense and are supportive of new mothers. We are all just doing our best.

Cmonluv · 30/12/2023 17:13

Justforxmas2023 · 30/12/2023 17:07

@iamwhatiam23 I guess it’s easier to name call than read/digest sensible info from numerous PPs above and dispute it in a polite way?

@thecatsthecats I have noticed a correlation between those who told me the newborn phase would be really REALLY really REALLY hard and those who insist it's normal to pass the baby around. I think that if you lean into the opposite fourth trimester theory and stay in tune with your baby and their tiny dictatorship, it's a lot easier.
very interesting thought! I’ve found the newborn phase much easier than expected and have definitely erred more on the 4th trimester side.
My baby has met extended family lots of times but I have also been quite strict with hand washing/kissing etc (some of which has not been observed but that’s another story!)

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Have to agree with this, I leant on second time and in every way it's been a positive change!

iamwhatiam23 · 30/12/2023 17:14

@Cmonluv yes im a mil and an ex midwife actually! It takes a village to raise a child and i think that in a few years studies will show the negative effects that all this insular behaviour has had on the generation of children its being inflicted on! As for germs, do people seriously believe that NHS staff/ midwives don't go to work when they have colds etc? Babies are exposed to all sorts from the minute they are born fgs!

SEG152 · 30/12/2023 17:18

Her baby, her rules

This child isn’t a play thing for you to pick up and play with and then leave.

I have known of a baby who died from being kissed by someone with a cold sore so I myself wouldn’t take the chance.

You will be in this child’s life forever. I’m sure once your SIL is feeling more confident she will let you be more involved. But for now leave her be.

Cmonluv · 30/12/2023 17:22

iamwhatiam23 · 30/12/2023 17:14

@Cmonluv yes im a mil and an ex midwife actually! It takes a village to raise a child and i think that in a few years studies will show the negative effects that all this insular behaviour has had on the generation of children its being inflicted on! As for germs, do people seriously believe that NHS staff/ midwives don't go to work when they have colds etc? Babies are exposed to all sorts from the minute they are born fgs!

Ex midwife... So a generation before the current cohort?

These days helping breastmilk production, rooming in with mum, discouraging feeding by non parents and many other things are encouraged by midwives. There were some of the older generations in the ward I had my eldest on post partum. Their advice almost killed him.

Had he been taken off to a nursery his blood sugars would have dipped lower than they did and he may not have actually survived.

Your inability to accept you are wrong and that advice has moved on make me very glad you have retired.

It takes a village to raise a child, my mil would even tell you that second time round she accepted and r spected our boundaries BECAUSE she could see that they were correct. She could see the benefits to our children of us holding firm. Also she saw my eldest in nicu at 3 days old, saw my youngest with RSV etc etc. She's even changed her grandparenting techniques to be more like our parenting approach, actively says she wishes she'd had a lot of our techniques and knowledge when my husband was a (undiagnosed asd) child as she sees how it helps our neurpdivergent boy

She loves our kids, they have a great bond and have spent ever increasing time with them as they've gotten older, she's our 5 yr olds joint 3rd favourite person alongside my eldest sister. Both of whom had to learn to respect our bou diaries and both of whom I'd trust with my kids loves now at 5 and 2. Despite my kids largely living in a sling or attached to my nipple for their first 3 months.

Justforxmas2023 · 30/12/2023 17:24

iamwhatiam23 · 30/12/2023 17:14

@Cmonluv yes im a mil and an ex midwife actually! It takes a village to raise a child and i think that in a few years studies will show the negative effects that all this insular behaviour has had on the generation of children its being inflicted on! As for germs, do people seriously believe that NHS staff/ midwives don't go to work when they have colds etc? Babies are exposed to all sorts from the minute they are born fgs!

Not a single poster here has advocated for ‘insular’ behaviour or isolating children.
Yes it takes a village to raise a child. However the first few weeks of life are an especially vulnerable time due to a developing immune system.

The difference between babies being exposed to viruses in a hospital by NHS staff vs extended family is that they probably were in a healthcare environment for a good reason. They don’t need to be held by extended family members in very early life so the risk benefit ratio is different…

The OP was a SIL who wasn’t going to see this 3 week old baby for several months (her own words) - where is the urgency/importance of her holding this baby at that particular time point?

iamwhatiam23 · 30/12/2023 17:29

@Cmonluv and what about in a few years time when/if the current research debunks what you believe in now? Because it most certainly will! I totally understand not kissing babies and also not holding them if you know you are unwell but seriously holding a baby after washing your hands holds very very low risk of transmitting anything!

Cmonluv · 30/12/2023 17:32

iamwhatiam23 · 30/12/2023 17:29

@Cmonluv and what about in a few years time when/if the current research debunks what you believe in now? Because it most certainly will! I totally understand not kissing babies and also not holding them if you know you are unwell but seriously holding a baby after washing your hands holds very very low risk of transmitting anything!

And then I would hope practice would again move on but I doubt it'll go back to the happily hand a newborn round smoking aunts and anyone who wanders in to see them like the high sides days of the 80s. You can't advocate for moving on with changes in research yet refuse to accept current research and sit mired in the 80s. Probably because you're unhappy your breastfeeding daughter in law wouldn't let you give the new born sma

Thementalloadisreal · 30/12/2023 17:32

iamwhatiam23 · 30/12/2023 17:14

@Cmonluv yes im a mil and an ex midwife actually! It takes a village to raise a child and i think that in a few years studies will show the negative effects that all this insular behaviour has had on the generation of children its being inflicted on! As for germs, do people seriously believe that NHS staff/ midwives don't go to work when they have colds etc? Babies are exposed to all sorts from the minute they are born fgs!

It takes a village refers to raising children, not just cuddling newborns 🙄

iamwhatiam23 · 30/12/2023 17:34

@Cmonluv actually I have a fantastic relationship with both my dils and all my grandchildren!

thing47 · 30/12/2023 17:37

iamwhatiam23 · 30/12/2023 16:57

@Cmonluv or they are simply insecure control freaks?

Seriously? What a twattish thing to say about first-time mums who are trying to do their best. And 3 week old babies don't require socialisation, that's just total and utter bollocks. 3 months maybe…

Cmonluv · 30/12/2023 17:39

iamwhatiam23 · 30/12/2023 17:34

@Cmonluv actually I have a fantastic relationship with both my dils and all my grandchildren!

I wonder what they would say....

iamwhatiam23 · 30/12/2023 17:42

@thing47 what a very grown up adult response 🙄

iamwhatiam23 · 30/12/2023 17:44

@Cmonluv they would say the same as me! They are very well balanced, nice, strong women who have their own minds! My grandchildren are all lovely, happy individuals....... sorry if that disappoints you!

Notmetoo · 30/12/2023 17:45

I agree OP it's odd and a little sad.
It seems to be a new thing like new parents saying they don't want any visitors for two weeks. I was always very happy to see visitors and for close family and friends to bond with the baby.

Cmonluv · 30/12/2023 17:47

Notmetoo · 30/12/2023 17:45

I agree OP it's odd and a little sad.
It seems to be a new thing like new parents saying they don't want any visitors for two weeks. I was always very happy to see visitors and for close family and friends to bond with the baby.

And did they offer their newborn's round to all and sundry? And run round after you making tea while you cuddled their newborn's?