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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed with SILs decision re new baby.

885 replies

ankara · 26/12/2023 09:02

Respecting that all parents are quite within their rights to determine interaction between others and their babies, I am very disappointed and a bit 🙄 at SILs decision to put up a big sign at baby's cradle saying no touching , no lifting, no kissing.
There are no medical reasons for this. Baby is three weeks old.
None of the family have been allowed to do the above unless baby has been handed to family to give a bottle or r change baby.
I understand; that this is their first and is of course most precious but we are all a bit Confused and also disappointed as we love babies and we're so looking forward to cuddles .
Brother just goes along with her.
Is this a new thing? My kids are nearly teens now and I've not seen this before .

OP posts:
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6
soundsys · 26/12/2023 09:55

I mean... I'd roll my eyes at the sign but I also wouldn't pick up a baby from its crib at random! (Unless it was crying and I was the nearest person/mum wasn't in the room!)

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 26/12/2023 09:56

Katypp · 26/12/2023 09:52

It's the modern way OP. Babies are now possessions not to be shared unless the mum deems it. Very controlling rude and unnecessary.
As a pp said, babies have been cuddled and held by others since the world began, so I don't know what has happened to the current generation that makes them so fragile and susceptible to germs.
There's a lot on nonsense peddled under the 'your baby. Your rules mantra and on here particularly, being a new mother seems to give a free pass to all sorts of ridiculous behavior. Then a year later, when they have done all they can to isolate their child, they are back on here complaining no-one wants to babysit.
I hope this particular new mother looks back and cringes

I hope you read this back and cringe, tbh.

The parents have more say in their child's life than you do (and your views are quite outdated and selfish).

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 26/12/2023 09:56

OP this is MN and some of the batshit comments about how you must never touch a newborn in the family is utterly unlike real life. I agree with you, this behaviour is not normal, especially the sign FFS. I do understand limiting it somewhat.

To be honest, I see the correlation of this isolating behaviour and PND in new mothers. You can't keep everyone away, you need the support and love of friends and family to build a village. Has anyone asked her if she's okay?

Katypp · 26/12/2023 09:57

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 26/12/2023 09:56

I hope you read this back and cringe, tbh.

The parents have more say in their child's life than you do (and your views are quite outdated and selfish).

Show quote history

Really? Outdated and selfish? Please explain.

StopGo · 26/12/2023 09:57

I can easily understand and respect the 'infection control' aspect of not touching etc. Babies are definitely not toys.

However if I'm to much of an infection risk for a cuddle then I'm not suitable to change dirty nappies!

Pluviophile1 · 26/12/2023 09:58

The sign could well be the result of SIL's verbal requests being ignored. If she doesn't want people to kiss or pick up the baby, then people need to abide by that.

Katypp · 26/12/2023 09:59

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 26/12/2023 09:56

OP this is MN and some of the batshit comments about how you must never touch a newborn in the family is utterly unlike real life. I agree with you, this behaviour is not normal, especially the sign FFS. I do understand limiting it somewhat.

To be honest, I see the correlation of this isolating behaviour and PND in new mothers. You can't keep everyone away, you need the support and love of friends and family to build a village. Has anyone asked her if she's okay?

I agree with this 100%.

WeneedSamVimesonthecase · 26/12/2023 10:01

Oh good grief. This is insanely PFB behaviour and I'm amazed by the number of posters agreeing with it.

I swear people on these boards used to have more sense.

Tandora · 26/12/2023 10:02

Katypp · 26/12/2023 09:52

It's the modern way OP. Babies are now possessions not to be shared unless the mum deems it. Very controlling rude and unnecessary.
As a pp said, babies have been cuddled and held by others since the world began, so I don't know what has happened to the current generation that makes them so fragile and susceptible to germs.
There's a lot on nonsense peddled under the 'your baby. Your rules mantra and on here particularly, being a new mother seems to give a free pass to all sorts of ridiculous behavior. Then a year later, when they have done all they can to isolate their child, they are back on here complaining no-one wants to babysit.
I hope this particular new mother looks back and cringes

Babies are now possessions not to be shared unless the mum deems it. Very controlling rude and unnecessary

This is exactly it. Prize possessions owned by their parents. Rather than people in their own right, born into families.

LittleFishyEyes · 26/12/2023 10:02

Hats off to your SIL for taking control and doing what she thinks is best for her child.

Comedycook · 26/12/2023 10:02

This is definitely a modern thing...I honestly believe that having a baby nowadays is made into a way bigger deal than ever before. This is ridiculously precious...oh and in a few years time when they're desperate for a babysitter, I'd be very very unavailable.

Bunnycat101 · 26/12/2023 10:03

Maybe think about why she feels she needs a sign. Presumably people haven’t been listening to her or she’s had some guests who were overbearing.

It must be quite tough having a winter newborn. My eldest was summer so was more robust by the time winter came around. My second was hospitalised with rsv at 9months and it was bloody horrible. It must be very distressing for those with tiny babies who get poorly. I think I’d be much more conscious of it if I had a third or was visiting other babies now. They will still be lovely when they’re bigger.

Katypp · 26/12/2023 10:04

LittleFishyEyes · 26/12/2023 10:02

Hats off to your SIL for taking control and doing what she thinks is best for her child.

Sorry but I am convinced this sort of nonsense is more about the patents stamping control and making it clear who is in charge of the prize rather than any genuine thoughts about what is best for the child

Snowflakecookie1989 · 26/12/2023 10:04

Seems very OTT in my opinion. If she's that worried about germs, probably best she doesn't leave the house for at least a year 😕

Comedycook · 26/12/2023 10:05

As for the infection and germ risk... obviously you need to be sensible....but there are babies being born and living in the most horrific circumstances all over the world. A baby living in the UK in 2023 isn't in huge danger from a relative holding them.

Whataretheodds · 26/12/2023 10:05

Sure you can be disappointed but it's her baby, her decision. It's not about you.

You can admire the baby without touching it. You can be considerate of and helpful towards new parents without touching the baby. You can show your love for them and the baby without touching the baby. It's normal to be more anxious about a first baby. You making an issue of it will only make her dig her heels in.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 26/12/2023 10:05

Katypp · 26/12/2023 09:57

Really? Outdated and selfish? Please explain.

Show quote history

Well, you called a mother taking some control over who touches her child 'controlling, rude and unnecessary'.

You also said 'there's a lot of nonsense peddled under'your baby'' and 'I hope this mother looks back and cringes'.

Nowadays we respect a mother and father's right to choose who sees and/or touches their newborn, and we don't think our wishes are more important.

Justforxmas2023 · 26/12/2023 10:05

I posted on a similar theme yesterday and was met with a lot of aggression from posters.
SIL sounds happy for visitors and for cuddles but with certain boundaries in place.
Babies aren’t ‘immunosuppressed’ at this age per se but they do have an under developed immune system which relies heavily on what was acquired from placenta and breast milk. They are NOT robust as a PP said - they are the opposite!!
I think your SIL is right to be cautious with such a tiny baby in winter. It’s a shame she felt she needed to put up a sign but I suspect this is her way of dealing with things ‘ahead of time’ rather than multiple awkward conversations. Who knows what she has already had to deal with?
At the end of the day she will be the one dealing with the baby overnight if they pick up a resp infection or (even worse) HSV encephalitis.
Honestly some people are so bloody entitled- it’s her tiny brand new baby- there is plenty of time for her to be exposed to germs etc from 3 months onward - why not support this new mum at her most vulnerable time and respect her wishes?
She is only trying to protect them.

Nanny0gg · 26/12/2023 10:05

ankara · 26/12/2023 09:14

Picking baby up randomly was never y what I meant but when baby is to be comforted or fed or changed and an offer is made to do so whilst also having a cuddle, it's a hard no. Husband only unless he is not there and then she will allow a pick up for a feed or change so while her intention may be to reduce germs, her decision to all ow baby to be held is based on where her husband is, not a strict ban on all other people not touching baby.
Anyway I get the feeling I'm out of this game too long! In my time, exposing babies to others was considered the norm unless there was illness or immunity issues.

I hate the expression 'It's a generational thing' but it really seems to be!

I was thrilled when my family or friends met my babies and I had absolutely no problems with cuddles. To be fair, no-one 'withheld' them from me and if they cried they were handed straight back!

The minute I met one great-niece she was handed to me and the next thing I knew I was changing her nappy. No barriers

I don't see why a baby can't be kissed on the head - obvs not face or hands.

All this insular 'Keep away from our little family' is quite new. Especially when we're talking close family, not a random group of strangers.
No, babies aren't toys. They're small humans who benefit from human interaction.
No grandparents don't need to meet the baby when its brand-new but I can't tell you how amazing it is when your child has a child.
I wonder if opinions will change when that happens...

And putting a sign on a baby is frankly bonkers!

Fullofxmascbeer · 26/12/2023 10:05

I’d be upset too.

The only time I’ve seen this, post natal depression was the reason,

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 26/12/2023 10:06

pictoosh · 26/12/2023 09:09

See now, as far as I'm aware new babies have been passed around for inspection/cuddles since forever. Most seem to weather 'big germs' ok. I don't think they ARE that fragile are they?

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Quite!

IkeaMeatballGravy · 26/12/2023 10:06

My SIL was like this but didn't go as far as the sign. I had my babies first and when they were newborns she was the worst for snatching them and trying to sit there most of the afternoon with them. I think she expected people to behave the way she did 🤣

Boundaries and rules are fine, but I have noticed wider family do become more distant when people are too restrictive with thier DCs compared to more relaxed parents. It's weighing up a balance between risk vs the benefits of bonding with friends/wider family. Then the second baby comes along and is exposed to all the nursery/school germs and you realise how robust newborns can be.

Tandora · 26/12/2023 10:07

Katypp · 26/12/2023 10:04

Sorry but I am convinced this sort of nonsense is more about the patents stamping control and making it clear who is in charge of the prize rather than any genuine thoughts about what is best for the child

Show quote history

Yep. And the power struggle with MIL and assertion of top dog status is particularly key.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 26/12/2023 10:08

Katypp · 26/12/2023 10:04

Sorry but I am convinced this sort of nonsense is more about the patents stamping control and making it clear who is in charge of the prize rather than any genuine thoughts about what is best for the child

Show quote history

It's not nonsense, and yes it actually is about them making it clear that they are indeed in control of what happens to their newborn baby - why on earth wouldn't they be?
You have no say in it, yes, sensible folk listen to advice and include family/friends where they can, but ultimately the choices are theirs. Comments like yours indicate why some folk feel the need to resort to signs to be heard!

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 26/12/2023 10:08

They'll wonder in a year or so why no one offers to babysit.