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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed with SILs decision re new baby.

885 replies

ankara · 26/12/2023 09:02

Respecting that all parents are quite within their rights to determine interaction between others and their babies, I am very disappointed and a bit 🙄 at SILs decision to put up a big sign at baby's cradle saying no touching , no lifting, no kissing.
There are no medical reasons for this. Baby is three weeks old.
None of the family have been allowed to do the above unless baby has been handed to family to give a bottle or r change baby.
I understand; that this is their first and is of course most precious but we are all a bit Confused and also disappointed as we love babies and we're so looking forward to cuddles .
Brother just goes along with her.
Is this a new thing? My kids are nearly teens now and I've not seen this before .

OP posts:
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6
festivepains · 26/12/2023 09:13

PinkflowersWhiteBerries · 26/12/2023 09:10

You mention that family are allowed to hold baby if Sil hands the child to them ? Sounds fine to me. Mother and baby’s needs trump visiting relatives’ any day.
The sign is a bit rude, imo, but I imagine there’s a reason why new mum thinks it necessary.
But you know all this.

Exactly there will be a reason. A pushy relative or two.

Ablondiebutagoody · 26/12/2023 09:14

I'm with you OP. I don't get why affection from family is a bad thing.

inappropriateraspberry · 26/12/2023 09:14

I wouldn't dream of just picking up a newborn baby unless asked/told I can by the parents.
I may ask for a cuddle if they are being held by someone but that's it. As pp said, they're not a toy, and at only 3 weeks old they don't need to be passed around like a doll.

Original poster
ankara · 26/12/2023 09:14

Picking baby up randomly was never y what I meant but when baby is to be comforted or fed or changed and an offer is made to do so whilst also having a cuddle, it's a hard no. Husband only unless he is not there and then she will allow a pick up for a feed or change so while her intention may be to reduce germs, her decision to all ow baby to be held is based on where her husband is, not a strict ban on all other people not touching baby.
Anyway I get the feeling I'm out of this game too long! In my time, exposing babies to others was considered the norm unless there was illness or immunity issues.

OP posts:
Janedoe82 · 26/12/2023 09:14

well I think it’s nuts. And agree with someone else above about the germs!!! How do you think children develop immunity.

User69371527 · 26/12/2023 09:14

A sign you say 🤔

Newnameag · 26/12/2023 09:15

The sign is a bit overkill but I wish I could have put that message across without the sign. If I go to visit a new baby, even if I was family, I’d never think it was okay to just go in and lift them out the pram or moses basket unless asked to. If they looked like they were meant to be sleeping as well I wouldn’t be in poking my fingers at them and obviously definitely wouldn’t kiss them. Someone kissed our baby at 4 weeks old and we ended up in hospital with her for 3 days with RSV. She had to get a lumbar puncture to rule out meningitis due to her high temperature, it was one of the most traumatic nights of my life 😢 I always saw things about RSV on Facebook and did always get my husband to say about the no kissing thing but someone still did and it did happen to us.

When our first was born my in-laws (one is actually just in-laws partner) came in and lifted baby, who was asleep, out his moses basket. I asked them to leave him as he was sleeping and was told they were here now and he should wake up because they want to see him! They made another similar dig when I was putting my daughter down for a sleep and I plucked up the courage to point out it’s a baby not a doll! I cried almost every time after they left my house first time round. It’s most likely someone who is feeling a bit anxious about having to have awkward conversations, particularly with family so yeah the sign is overkill but I would just be sympathetic to how she is probably feeling and offer any help you can offer with anything in the house

NoisyDachshunddd · 26/12/2023 09:15

So weird having a sign. Why not just use your words.

Also unless the baby has vulnerabilities then I think this is bananas in general. Most viruses are airborne anyway. Just being near and breathing is probably enough to spread infections.

But their decision I guess.

festivepains · 26/12/2023 09:16

ankara · 26/12/2023 09:14

Picking baby up randomly was never y what I meant but when baby is to be comforted or fed or changed and an offer is made to do so whilst also having a cuddle, it's a hard no. Husband only unless he is not there and then she will allow a pick up for a feed or change so while her intention may be to reduce germs, her decision to all ow baby to be held is based on where her husband is, not a strict ban on all other people not touching baby.
Anyway I get the feeling I'm out of this game too long! In my time, exposing babies to others was considered the norm unless there was illness or immunity issues.

Again don't care. Respect mums decisions it will go a long way to helping her into mumhood and build a much better relationship for you going forward.

Previousreligion · 26/12/2023 09:16

I think it's silly and precious, and a bit sad unless the baby has medical issues, or covid or something is known to be going round your family. But it's her choice.

Tourmalines · 26/12/2023 09:16

The sign is ridiculous!

pictoosh · 26/12/2023 09:17

I'm not arsed about holding other peoples babies myself.
I didn't mind if anyone wanted to hold any of mine though. My three were ALL winter babies and they thrived whoever had a turn. I'm not being a smartarse...I appreciate that others feel differently...just saying I didn't have these anxieties.
The sign is quite funny.

Gymmum82 · 26/12/2023 09:18

I’m just struggling to imagine a baby that would stay in a cradle for more than 3 seconds without screaming the place down.
I welcomed people holding them because it gave me a chance to shower and drink tea in peace

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 26/12/2023 09:18

Ablondiebutagoody · 26/12/2023 09:14

I'm with you OP. I don't get why affection from family is a bad thing.

Well, because boundaries are also a thing too. Until the child can say no or yes for themselves the parents can enforce any boundary they see important. Affection should never be forced.

NeverAloneNeverAgain · 26/12/2023 09:18

Maybe the sign is a bit much unless parents have asked for people not to pick baby up and being ignored and it's a last resort to get their point across. I love baby cuddles but it's parents right to lead this. I used to get really frustrated when I'd just got baby settled in crib and some well meaning visitor picked them up when they were settled and sleeping.

Also advice has changed over the years so maybe they're following that? We have a surprise 1yr old and when HV came for 5day weigh we were told only mum and dad should hold baby and do feeds 'to help bond'. Very different to when we had our older ones (19/17/12). We disregarded it but if it had been our 1st maybe we would have listened more

YouveGotAFastCar · 26/12/2023 09:19

This is exactly what midwives have been advising at every antenatal appointment for ages. At least three years.

Tandora · 26/12/2023 09:20

pictoosh · 26/12/2023 09:09

See now, as far as I'm aware new babies have been passed around for inspection/cuddles since forever. Most seem to weather 'big germs' ok. I don't think they ARE that fragile are they?

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Quite. People are so nuts these days.

Janedoe82 · 26/12/2023 09:20

Not where I am in the country!!

Singsonggsu · 26/12/2023 09:20

We have a new baby in our family. I would never pick her up from her crib unless I knew it was ok to do so. Mum & Dad ask if we want a cuddle or hand the baby over but I think it’s rude to just pick them up. Also we would never kiss her face I think normal sensible people know all this? The sign is a bit odd but perhaps new Mum suspects the family will be overbearing and if that’s the case then fair play to her!

Janedoe82 · 26/12/2023 09:21

In fact quite the opposite- massive push on the Solihull approach- the more cuddles the better

Original poster
ankara · 26/12/2023 09:23

There would never have been an intention of picking up baby unless asking, if baby was crying or mooching. When offering to pick up baby, we are being asked to find husband first. If he is not to be found, then an adult is allowed to pick up child and do the needful.
Perhaps it's a family thing. Affection and babies go hand in hand in our family forever and the idea that a sign placed at the cradle prohibiting well meaning family is a little Confused to me. It's only husbands family that have access to baby. Mum does not have a relationship with her own family so maybe it's a bit more understandable that she is building her own confidence and boundaries as she goes along.

OP posts:
Lilacdressinggown · 26/12/2023 09:23

Confusednewmum1 · 26/12/2023 09:07

Not unreasonable to be disappointed- newborn snuggles are amazing. But honestly she’s 100% doing the right thing not allowing people too. New babies are just so precious and fragile and germs really are too big for them. You will get your cuddles one day but this stance is to protect baby and support mums mental health. X

Newborn babies are very robust. They have great immune systems as antibodies are passed to them via the placenta (plus breast milk). Newborns need lots of germs to continue to strengthen their immune system- this is very important. Lack of exposure to germs results in a hypersensitive immune system- asthma, exczema, hay fever etc

WandaWonder · 26/12/2023 09:24

I am surprised people don't put one of those scrolls outside like when they announce royal babies 'one is accepting visitors now but read and sign thus 20 pages contract'

But then people will be blames they are not showing interest

I would personally leave them to it and wait till the child graduate's from uni

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 26/12/2023 09:25

pictoosh · 26/12/2023 09:09

See now, as far as I'm aware new babies have been passed around for inspection/cuddles since forever. Most seem to weather 'big germs' ok. I don't think they ARE that fragile are they?

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Medical advice is that the immune system is still immature before 3 months so babies are vulnerable to becoming incredibly and life threateningly unwell. After 3 months is when babies should start being exposed. The SIL is doing the right thing.

Everydayimhuffling · 26/12/2023 09:25

Why do you think it's her driving it if it's ok when the husband isn't available? Surely that suggests that it's the husband driving it?