To be disappointed with SILs decision re new baby.

[ankara]

Respecting that all parents are quite within their rights to determine interaction between others and their babies, I am very disappointed and a bit 🙄 at SILs decision to put up a big sign at baby's cradle saying no touching , no lifting, no kissing.
There are no medical reasons for this. Baby is three weeks old.
None of the family have been allowed to do the above unless baby has been handed to family to give a bottle or r change baby.
I understand; that this is their first and is of course most precious but we are all a bit and also disappointed as we love babies and we're so looking forward to cuddles .
Brother just goes along with her.
Is this a new thing? My kids are nearly teens now and I've not seen this before .

I feel I have to come back and post on this again, because it has buzzed around my head all night.

People declaring lunacy and silliness in modern parenting - shame on you. I thought mumsnet was supposed to be somewhere we could raise other mothers up. It's her baby. If she doesn't want people slobbering over it then she should be allowed to say. Is a sign a bit blunt and clumsy? Yes. But now you know how she feels, so good for her.

I spent the first three years of my sons life sat next to him in hospitals, often intensive care, often on a ventilator. He was very small and very sick, and sadly even nice relatives are often dicks about wanting to cuddle a baby. "I won't stay long, I've got a stinker".... "Just a quick cuddle because I think I'm coming down with something".... "To be fair I felt like shit when I visited last week, but couldn't miss the chance for a cuddle'" I have heard every line.

At times I wasn't even "allowed" to hold him myself because even handling was deemed by the nurses to be exhausting for him.

That was more than 20 years ago, and despite me making a weak attempt to shield him from people who selfishly wanted a cuddle, he has grown up to have good relationships with his family.

We were lucky that he survived, many kids like him did not, and there was no obvious reason, no genetics, nothing to indicate why he was the one who got so sick. It was only when he was much older that they discovered he had no discernable immune system to respond to anything. Great Auntie Nora with a questionable cold sore brewing can't see whether a three week old has a good enough immine system when she lunges in for a cuddle....

This narrative about it being good for the baby.... its good for the newborn to be held by its mother, not every member of the family including snotty uncle Frank who always has huge boogers hanging out of his nose.

This is just the first few precious weeks, and she is full of hormones, probably has sore tits, and still needs to pee while holding a shower head pointed at her fanny...

Give her a break!

I have no doubt that when this kid is bringing home weekly snot and various other "infestations" from nursery and school you will be able to cuddle as much as you like, and the kid will be at a stage where they are able to build relationships, and return your snotty favours from when they were a newborn and you gave them a gift you didn't even know you were brewing.

We need to be more supportive of new mums at this time. It's emotional and exhausting and if she wants you to give space, then give it. I wish people had given it to me.

Agreed! I respect the boundaries if some family members are just helping themselves Willy nilly like picking up a cat, however, babies need to be exposed to germs and microbes from others for their immune system!! That’s how it builds. Also good for relatives to bond too. Not a good start, but she’s the mother… and no, babies are more robust than people think, and yes, they need their head to be supported etc of course, but most people know and are capable of doing that. Think SiL has lots of first baby anxiety, (and maybe some underlying OCD too? Or PND?)

One thing I don't understand is why so many relatives, friends want to hold the baby when it is newborn anyway.
I come from a fairly undemonstrative family - none of the kissing and embraces that characterised interaction before Covid. It does not mean we don't care for the other person - just personal space.

Maybe I was 'lucky' but when my son was born in the 1970s he spent many weeks in hospital because he was premature - so no-one at all got to be close enough to even hold him except myself.

It seems to me very immature of relatives to think that a small baby is a suitable target for hugs and kisses.

But I agree that a blanket verbal warning to all visitors is more friendly than a notice. ;

it’s about the safety of the baby and what the new parents are comfortable with. your enjoyment of baby cuddles is not that important 🤷🏻‍♀️you wait until baby is 3 month+ to bond.
this can be difficult, especially for people who has babies pre-covid, but please remember how you treat her through this period will have a huge impact on your relationship with SIL, and brother.

is the sign a bit much? maybe. but a blanket statement is easier than having to verbalise and deal with reactions from each individual person.

So you were lucky. My baby was born at 40+13, no health problems at birth or after, proper chonker, exclusively breast fed, never lost birth weight, and ended up in paediatric ICU at 4 months old intubated, tube fed, on a ventilator machine for 4 days because someone with the common cold kissed him and he caught RSV. Worst week of my life.

You’re right about needing to be exposed to bugs in order to develop immunity but this does NOT apply in the first few months of life. A newborn baby has an underdeveloped immune system and what manifests as a cold in an adult can be life threatening. A newborn baby is NOT robust.

Fair play to your SIL. She protects her baby and she reduces her own stress as well.

Infant mortality rates in Spain are 2.011 deaths per 1000 live births, where it’s culturally normal here for very small babies to be held by the wider family, so how does one explain that?

Reading your replies, I completely understand why she has the sign.
You don’t need to understand why, you don’t need to know her medical reasons.
Your brother was using the word “we” to show he his on his wife’s side and your mum pulling him up on it shows more reason why THEY have their boundaries.

No kissing babies should be obvious but apparently people do think it’s ok so need to be told before hand.

Breast feeding can be really difficult for some and if there is a lack of support it can make it so much harder. Not all areas have that support. She probably already feels awful and guilty about it and doesn’t need others opinion on it.

she could have postnatal depression/ anxiety and doing what she needs to do to help that is fine.

I was fit and healthy before my pregnancy and had to be signed off work from 6 months because I couldn’t walk any more due to round ligament pain and how swollen I was due to water retention. It happens. Every pregnancy is different and just because it’s not what you experienced doesn’t lesson what she has gone through.

If people are so bothered about protecting a baby, breastfeeding is a better thing to focus efforts on than telling people they can't cuddle baby.

And breastfeeding is more likely to be successfully established if the mum is calm and relatively rested, rather than stressed, if she can hold her baby skin to skin most of the time, rather than having him passed around and coming back smelling other people's perfume, if she can put the baby to the breast on demand target than having MIL insisting on feeding him or auntie asking "are you feeding him AGAIN?", if she can focus on latching him calmly rather than having an audience, if she can put the baby to the breast at the first hunger cue, rather than when he is crying and difficult to latch, so thanks for pointing out why cuddling other people's baby when they are the weeks old is not in their best interest.

Good for you. Make your boundaries and stick with them.

100% this.

And this is supposed to be a supportive site for Mums - shame it is attracting vile keyboard warriors like the one above.

Fuck, I wish we’d had this. Watching heart massage on my three week old is something that keeps me awake at night.

It's over the top. One thing I've noticed about mn and some new mothers, they seem to have a chip on their shoulder and are precious about certain things they shouldn't be.

Yes, it's a mums right to say what goes and what doesn't but to say you can't hold the baby until baby is handed to you is ridiculous.

I look forward to all the outraged mnetters reply to my comment 😁

100% with SIL on this one. I was the same 14 years ago, only difference is I didn’t put a sign up. I told people not to kiss my baby as I’d seen previously with friends babies, people kissing them on the lips - who does that?! Also I was irritated when people tried to pick my baby up without washing their hands and/or putting baby’s head on a scratchy jumper they were wearing. Don’t get me started on those that smoked and thought it was ok to try and “have a hold”

The sign is a bit over the top but maybe your SIL isn’t confident enough to say it or she’s fed up saying it and people not listening to her. At least this way there’s no confusion.

Maybe it is over the top but she is a new mum and doing what she thinks is right to protect her baby. Is it kind or helpful to call ‘some new mothers’ precious/have a chip on their shoulder?

seems to me you either aren’t aware of the risks this mum is worried about (RSV/cold sores etc) or have a completely different risk appetite if you are aware.

I have noticed a distinct lack of compassion for new mums on this thread too - people don’t seem to understand or care that they are likely knackered, hormonal and recovering from birth whilst trying their best as a new mum so could do with a bit of kindness. Really not sure what people are getting out of calling someone going through such a vulnerable time of life ‘precious’.

My daughter allowed cuddles,if her baby was already awake. However, kissing was completely forbidden. Even the too of baby's head. We agreed. It's one of the fastest ways to pass on respiratory virus and there was a nasty one doing the rounds at the time of my granddaughters birth. Every parent has the right to make whatever decisions they feel best for their baby at the time

Fair enough.

So let people help!

Oh get a grip. Supporting neuroticism isn't kind and the Mum in question isn't even here, so your comment about this being a supportive site for Mums is completely irrelevant.

Unless there's a health problem either on the baby's part or on the part of the potential toucher, to have a blanket ban on your baby being touched by other human apes is not reasonable and should be given short shrift when discussing it in the third person.

Obviously you wouldn't say this to the neurotic mother in question (new mothers have enough to contend with and no-one wants to add any problems to them), but when discussing it in a public forum, no-one has any obligation to pretend this is OK and not doing so doesn't make them vile. Or a keyboard warrior.

Have to say I don’t really understand the germs comments ( assuming no health issues) but totally get the “ they are not toys” and I think your SIL is setting a good tone. My children are in their 20s and I would not have expected family members to be seeking cuddles .

YABU. Totally agree with your SIL. No one has the right to pick up
a new born unless it’s theirs in this early tender weeks..

Babies survived for millions of years with wider family giving them cuddles and touching them!!

God what a depressing thread. Babies are not toys but they are wonderful, exciting additions to the world, they are teeny tiny snuggly little humans for such a short time. People want to show their love and affection and welcome for this new person by holding them close. People are reacting like relatives are suggesting injecting the new baby with heroin...

Boundaries are all well and good, but enabling and encouraging OTT precious behaviour like this is damaging to everyone, in my view.