For years, DH has been put out by my family (barring my parents who he loves) joining us for Xmas lunch (which DH makes). Over the years, the extra family member has included a rotation of siblings who have addiction problems or other issues and they would otherwise be alone at Christmas but usually only one person per year would be at a loose end.
I was brought up thinking 'the season of goodwill' means you don't willingly leave people alone at Christmas unless they want to be alone.
This year, my single brother - who can have everyone on eggshells as he can suddenly raise his voice and be very confrontational (but also can be very full of festive spirit, maybe due to a bipolar diagnosis?!) -was expected and he has come for several years without any major issues.
My niece (who is not DBs daughter) is recovering from coke addiction and recently fled a new relationship in December due to discovering a worryIng history of DV found herself homeless and put into emergency accommodation. During this challenging time she seems to have resisted going back to coke and has maintained her job and working with her ex and organisations to maintain shared care with her ex of their DS (3). Her and my brother teamed up for Xmas eve and morning and had a lovely time. The plan was that they would then come to mine for around 2 hours before lunch then at lunch the DS3 would be collected by its Dad and niece would go for a work shift.
On Xmas eve I heard from my brother that nieces shift had been changed to the evening and the DS3 was being collected after our lunch. Niece doesn't drive and lives half hour taxi away so I asked him to check what her plans were now that she had new time to fill - trying to be clear that she wasnt invited to mine for longer. We left it as he would ask her to let me know and I didn't hear from them again until they arrived on Xmas morning. As we were readying for lunch, my brother loudly asked me if my niece and her DS were staying for lunch, I said that the plan was that they were going just before lunch, to which my brother raised his voice a little and said 'I didn't ask you what the plan was, I asked if they were staying'. I told him he was putting me in an awkward position and I left the room wanting to run away and hide as felt torn - do I upset my husband by letting her stay? Do I kick her out on Xmas day knowing she has nowhere to go and will have to pay for a taxi home just to come back to the area later for work? Meanwhile niece staying quiet and maybe a bit socially unaware as seemed to think she could just plonk herself in my house for the day and didn't mention or ask about changing her plans and I didn't want to spell it out to her and make her feel unwelcome at a time she is trying hard to get her life on track. My brother had to take someone home so I called him to smooth things over before his return. We argued and I told him he had railroaded me into having more people for lunch than agreed, he said I had had time to accomodate her when he told me about her plans changing and I reminded him he had said he would tell her to let me know her new timings. I told him he had raised his voice at me on xmas day in my own house which is exactly why my husband wanted a quieter Christmas as more people creates more opportunity for arguments - he said he was going to his friends house instead. I text him as we sat down for lunch to say there was space for him if he changed his mind and no further discussion was needed as it's Christmas, he didnt reply or return.
Niece and her DS stayed for lunch then the DS was collected and niece was looking to contact another family member to go to their house for a nap before night shift but they gave an excuse that she couldn't (the rest of the family on her side are horrific and selfish so I feel responsible to show her some kindness and care) so I told her she could nap in my DC room as we wouldnt use upstairs until after the time she would leave and so she did that then went to work.
DH served lunch but didn't eat, chatted with my oblivious parents and says he would eat his later to relax and enjoy it, he's never done this before and he didn't eat a dinner at all yesterday even when everyone had gone.
I know he will blame me for not eating his lunch - no doubt because he 'didn't feel comfortable in his own home' and possibly because my niece was there (but out of sight and asleep for hours).
I just don't know what I could have done, I upset my DH and my brother and felt I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and I've ended up upsetting them both. In honesty, I don't mind a busy house full at Christmas and would have 20 people for dinner but DH says my family are too volatile and he doesn't want an awkward atmosphere. He bites his tongue a lot as doesn't want to make a scene in front of the kids in Xmas day.
Should be sleeping in but woke up at 6am as can't stop thinking about it all