AIBU? Trying to unpick yesterday's upset

[DairyleaFunker]

For years, DH has been put out by my family (barring my parents who he loves) joining us for Xmas lunch (which DH makes). Over the years, the extra family member has included a rotation of siblings who have addiction problems or other issues and they would otherwise be alone at Christmas but usually only one person per year would be at a loose end.

I was brought up thinking 'the season of goodwill' means you don't willingly leave people alone at Christmas unless they want to be alone.

This year, my single brother - who can have everyone on eggshells as he can suddenly raise his voice and be very confrontational (but also can be very full of festive spirit, maybe due to a bipolar diagnosis?!) -was expected and he has come for several years without any major issues.

My niece (who is not DBs daughter) is recovering from coke addiction and recently fled a new relationship in December due to discovering a worryIng history of DV found herself homeless and put into emergency accommodation. During this challenging time she seems to have resisted going back to coke and has maintained her job and working with her ex and organisations to maintain shared care with her ex of their DS (3). Her and my brother teamed up for Xmas eve and morning and had a lovely time. The plan was that they would then come to mine for around 2 hours before lunch then at lunch the DS3 would be collected by its Dad and niece would go for a work shift.

On Xmas eve I heard from my brother that nieces shift had been changed to the evening and the DS3 was being collected after our lunch. Niece doesn't drive and lives half hour taxi away so I asked him to check what her plans were now that she had new time to fill - trying to be clear that she wasnt invited to mine for longer. We left it as he would ask her to let me know and I didn't hear from them again until they arrived on Xmas morning. As we were readying for lunch, my brother loudly asked me if my niece and her DS were staying for lunch, I said that the plan was that they were going just before lunch, to which my brother raised his voice a little and said 'I didn't ask you what the plan was, I asked if they were staying'. I told him he was putting me in an awkward position and I left the room wanting to run away and hide as felt torn - do I upset my husband by letting her stay? Do I kick her out on Xmas day knowing she has nowhere to go and will have to pay for a taxi home just to come back to the area later for work? Meanwhile niece staying quiet and maybe a bit socially unaware as seemed to think she could just plonk herself in my house for the day and didn't mention or ask about changing her plans and I didn't want to spell it out to her and make her feel unwelcome at a time she is trying hard to get her life on track. My brother had to take someone home so I called him to smooth things over before his return. We argued and I told him he had railroaded me into having more people for lunch than agreed, he said I had had time to accomodate her when he told me about her plans changing and I reminded him he had said he would tell her to let me know her new timings. I told him he had raised his voice at me on xmas day in my own house which is exactly why my husband wanted a quieter Christmas as more people creates more opportunity for arguments - he said he was going to his friends house instead. I text him as we sat down for lunch to say there was space for him if he changed his mind and no further discussion was needed as it's Christmas, he didnt reply or return.

Niece and her DS stayed for lunch then the DS was collected and niece was looking to contact another family member to go to their house for a nap before night shift but they gave an excuse that she couldn't (the rest of the family on her side are horrific and selfish so I feel responsible to show her some kindness and care) so I told her she could nap in my DC room as we wouldnt use upstairs until after the time she would leave and so she did that then went to work.

DH served lunch but didn't eat, chatted with my oblivious parents and says he would eat his later to relax and enjoy it, he's never done this before and he didn't eat a dinner at all yesterday even when everyone had gone.

I know he will blame me for not eating his lunch - no doubt because he 'didn't feel comfortable in his own home' and possibly because my niece was there (but out of sight and asleep for hours).

I just don't know what I could have done, I upset my DH and my brother and felt I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and I've ended up upsetting them both. In honesty, I don't mind a busy house full at Christmas and would have 20 people for dinner but DH says my family are too volatile and he doesn't want an awkward atmosphere. He bites his tongue a lot as doesn't want to make a scene in front of the kids in Xmas day.

Should be sleeping in but woke up at 6am as can't stop thinking about it all

Nieces parents don't do Christmas. They are toxic. Me and DB are trying to support her because they are sorry excuses for parents who will actually do drugs with her despite her nearly losing her DS because of the addiction. I'm really proud of how strong she has been recently in fighting for stability and a future. She only needed a nap because she was going to be doing a nightshift, it wasn't completely CFery.

What do you mean by “no that’s ridiculous”? You don’t experience that yourself therefore it’s not true?

Did you not read my post?

It's ridiculous to say because one's throat is so dry you can't eat, that it would impossible for them to sit at the table & engage with their family.

HTH

OP, you sound like a lovely person.

I'm sorry this is all so difficult. I suggest talking to DH, but also explaining your perspective.

Once your niece was there I agree you couldn't kick her out. But you need to listen to your DH and set boundaries with your family for next year.

Your DH sounds like he has the patience of a saint!

Yes I definitely see this. We were the best option, not the only option

Did you miss the bit where OP said that her DH cooks but she does everything else for Christmas? And why assume he pays?

It does seem to me that DH has some rigid expectations as to how Christmas should be and OP and her hapless relatives need to fall into line with it. Being hapless relatives, they won’t do this so basically the result is that OP needs to fall in line because ‘DH’s Christmas should be sacrosanct’?

Dear God, the patriarchy is alive and well. What about discussion and compromise?

I'm team DH. Niece could have insisted on her original shifts. Instead you and your house became the default safety net. It's his Christmas too. Other people's poor choices, like being a coke addict, shouldn't mean he has to put his preferences last.

My mum is the same as you, OP: people pleaser who wants everyone to be happy and is in turn more than happy to inflict awkward relatives on my long-suffering dad and myself.

To put it quite bluntly, I still go there at Christmas because my parents are getting on a bit. I'll miss them when they're no longer here, but I won't miss the stress, anxiety and general unpleasantness and eggshell-walking of the family Christmases. Don't be like my mum, OP. Your family will thank you for it.

Yes, you really have.

In your bid "to make everyone happy" you've repeatedly made Christmas unhappy for the person whose happiness should be your priority before the others.

Why is your family's happiness more important than your husband's?

Why is what you want at Christmas more important than what he wants?

Why do you put your family before your husband?

Oh, and FYI - you can't make everyone happy, noone can - what you are doing is happily sacrificing your husband for the sake of people who CHOSE their own path. The fact that he's put up with it this long is a Christmas miracle.

You really need to start prioritising your husband, over the waifs and strays.

Depends how you see it:

• dh's ideal Christmas means saying no to vulnerable people.
• Dh cooks one meal and expects a medal.
• Also calls the shots as to where Xmas has to happen.

OR He could be trying to inject some calm in a chaotic wider family (op's]). Whats his life like normally op?

To address other comments:

There was plenty of food and space for DH to join. He's a good eater and never goes off his food if upset! He nibbled through the day on junk but didn't eat his plated up dinner. Its still in the fridge. He was jolly and gracious with my parents and served our food but I think being a martyr with me re:not eating his lunch to show his annoyance that I had 'let' niece stay.

My parents arrived after everything, they come for lunch and stay afterwards for gifts and chats. They were oblivious because I didn't tell them what had happened and they presumed all was well and that DB had just changed plans. They aren't at fault here at all.

This reads as if you are abdicating responsibility for the whole mess :

’I was brought up thinking…’ a passive aggressive suggestion that that is the ‘right’ way to think and therefore your DH has to lump it, while at the same time sloping responsibility to your upbringing - your parents.

It’s good that your niece is clean and looking after her child and it’s kind that you wanted her to have somewhere to be at Christmas, but your brother ? You know he is only fine until he’s not.

Your need that no-one needs to be alone works for you; your DH meanwhile has told you it doesn’t work for him.

The mess is on you.

I just want everyone to be happy. Have I really hung DH out to dry in that process?!

Yes, you have. You don’t want ‘everyone’ to be happy, really. You want your unstable, confrontational, chaotic extended family to be happy, at the expense of your own husband.

It’s very clear from your further posts that your DH wants a peaceful, fun Christmas where he and your children aren’t subjected to constant uncertainty, angry outbursts, drug addicts, people turning up and disappearing, walking on eggshells etc, and that you make him put up with this bullshit every year. I’m stressed just reading about all the comings and goings and arsehole behaviour from your relatives, frankly. I think you’re lucky your DH has put up with things this long.

So when your DN decided to stay for lunch and before your DB decided not to, would there have been a space for your DH to sit at the table and eat with you all?

im going to be a bit harsh here, but this is all entirely youre own fault and down to your hand wringing and wishywashiness. You know your brother is a shouter and a steamroller-er. You knew there was ambiguity around the change of plan and whether your niece was staying or leaving. You know your husband hates the uncertainty and having last minute changes sprung on him. So why do you sidrespect him by giving vague hopeful hints to your horrible brother and hoping he realises that a plan has to be made, either by him or the niece. Why did you allow yourself to be fobbed off....its evident from the bullying shouty way he reacted on the day that he knew full well that this wasnt what was offered or invited, but thinks your plans dont matter and that he could just do whatever the hell he wanted. Why are you more concerned about protecting your niece and avoiding upsetting your brother, than about imposing on and upsetting your husband? This could all have been avoided by you having a spine and being upfront and insisting on saying what people were invited for and what they werent.

I have quite a different view from a lot of people on this thread. Think your husband was unreasonable to your family and then ridiculous not to eat. It’s one day of the year and I am a big believer in making more room at the table for those who would otherwise be alone. Your brother does sound tricky though

I would have next Christmas without your extended family. Being alone on Christmas day is not the worst thing in the world and you sound a bit martyry about wanting to have all your relatives every year even ones you don't like. Catering for your niece as her shift changed sounds quite sensible but she and brother could have had Christmas together or one of your other relatives could host or they could go out for a meal or just have party food and pizzas

Goodness no, you do not tell people 'DH doesn't want you here' and cause a massive drama! You say 'sorry we're not hosting this year' and leave it at that.
Your DH is not the 'problem'. You just want different things. He wants peace and calm, with people he trusts to be good guests. Ypu want to welcome all comers. Which is completely OK, you are allowed to have different wants. You just need to come up with a compromise you can both live with - AND STICK TO IT.
DH is angry because he made a compromise - your parents & brother attending - even though brother is demonstrably not a peaceful or well mannered guest. And it massively backfired on him, with drama, tension, an invited guest leaving before lunch, and an uninvited guest staying all bloody afternoon. It became the 'welcome all comers' chaos you wanted - even though DH had every right to expect that your agreement not to do that would be honoured. It's not just about the guests, it's about whether his needs/wants seem like they are important to you.
Moving forward, you have two options.
You can not host anyone from your family at all.
Or you can invite only your parents (if DH still wants them there) but very clearly state 'It will not be an open house for other family, we're keeping it small - if you need to make other plans so you can see siblings etc we will totally understand and look forward to seeing you boxing day'.
Then HOLD THAT FREAKING LINE. Your brother has nowhere to go? 'Sorry, we're only inviting parents this year, we're having a small one'. Niece wants to pop over in the morning? 'Oh no that didn't work last time - I know transport is difficult for you! I'll take you out for lunch sometime in the next few days'.

What do you mean?

His family also has issues but noone is alone and those who have been were invited for xmas those years. He does keep a lot of them at arms length now but that's partly due to falling out with his addict brother but honestly, I have always supported him in how he wants to handle his family.

Genuine question to those saying that op was being awful in choosing to upset her husband, rather than her other relatives:

Are you really meant to go along with whatever spouse behaviour even if you dont agree with it and it goes against your values and hurst people you love?

He has boundaries by the sound of it, to be honest knowing he has a sibling who is an addict who he's consciously distanced from makes it sadder that you've inflicted this on him.

So he should do what you expect of him.

But everyone gets to do what they want. Including you. Including people who don’t live there, hadn’t been invited and didn’t tell you they hoped to stay?

and he is the martyr?

Brother is a prick, wouldn't invite him for Christmas again. There's a reason he's alone clearly.

Goodwill goes both ways doesn’t it, your brother doesn’t seem to show any!
There are plenty of cafes and restaurants that serve Christmas dinner for those who don’t have anywhere else to be at Christmas. I think your DB should avail himself of their goodwill next year, rather than yours.
And if the niece comes next year, YOU need to be making the plans directly with her, not allowing DB to be a go-between.

It depends what it is surely? Why should one trump the other? He did compromise by saying they could come over for part of the day, OP didn't enforce that boundary though. Should he just roll over and be fine with whatever her majesty wants?