AIBU? Trying to unpick yesterday's upset

[DairyleaFunker]

For years, DH has been put out by my family (barring my parents who he loves) joining us for Xmas lunch (which DH makes). Over the years, the extra family member has included a rotation of siblings who have addiction problems or other issues and they would otherwise be alone at Christmas but usually only one person per year would be at a loose end.

I was brought up thinking 'the season of goodwill' means you don't willingly leave people alone at Christmas unless they want to be alone.

This year, my single brother - who can have everyone on eggshells as he can suddenly raise his voice and be very confrontational (but also can be very full of festive spirit, maybe due to a bipolar diagnosis?!) -was expected and he has come for several years without any major issues.

My niece (who is not DBs daughter) is recovering from coke addiction and recently fled a new relationship in December due to discovering a worryIng history of DV found herself homeless and put into emergency accommodation. During this challenging time she seems to have resisted going back to coke and has maintained her job and working with her ex and organisations to maintain shared care with her ex of their DS (3). Her and my brother teamed up for Xmas eve and morning and had a lovely time. The plan was that they would then come to mine for around 2 hours before lunch then at lunch the DS3 would be collected by its Dad and niece would go for a work shift.

On Xmas eve I heard from my brother that nieces shift had been changed to the evening and the DS3 was being collected after our lunch. Niece doesn't drive and lives half hour taxi away so I asked him to check what her plans were now that she had new time to fill - trying to be clear that she wasnt invited to mine for longer. We left it as he would ask her to let me know and I didn't hear from them again until they arrived on Xmas morning. As we were readying for lunch, my brother loudly asked me if my niece and her DS were staying for lunch, I said that the plan was that they were going just before lunch, to which my brother raised his voice a little and said 'I didn't ask you what the plan was, I asked if they were staying'. I told him he was putting me in an awkward position and I left the room wanting to run away and hide as felt torn - do I upset my husband by letting her stay? Do I kick her out on Xmas day knowing she has nowhere to go and will have to pay for a taxi home just to come back to the area later for work? Meanwhile niece staying quiet and maybe a bit socially unaware as seemed to think she could just plonk herself in my house for the day and didn't mention or ask about changing her plans and I didn't want to spell it out to her and make her feel unwelcome at a time she is trying hard to get her life on track. My brother had to take someone home so I called him to smooth things over before his return. We argued and I told him he had railroaded me into having more people for lunch than agreed, he said I had had time to accomodate her when he told me about her plans changing and I reminded him he had said he would tell her to let me know her new timings. I told him he had raised his voice at me on xmas day in my own house which is exactly why my husband wanted a quieter Christmas as more people creates more opportunity for arguments - he said he was going to his friends house instead. I text him as we sat down for lunch to say there was space for him if he changed his mind and no further discussion was needed as it's Christmas, he didnt reply or return.

Niece and her DS stayed for lunch then the DS was collected and niece was looking to contact another family member to go to their house for a nap before night shift but they gave an excuse that she couldn't (the rest of the family on her side are horrific and selfish so I feel responsible to show her some kindness and care) so I told her she could nap in my DC room as we wouldnt use upstairs until after the time she would leave and so she did that then went to work.

DH served lunch but didn't eat, chatted with my oblivious parents and says he would eat his later to relax and enjoy it, he's never done this before and he didn't eat a dinner at all yesterday even when everyone had gone.

I know he will blame me for not eating his lunch - no doubt because he 'didn't feel comfortable in his own home' and possibly because my niece was there (but out of sight and asleep for hours).

I just don't know what I could have done, I upset my DH and my brother and felt I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and I've ended up upsetting them both. In honesty, I don't mind a busy house full at Christmas and would have 20 people for dinner but DH says my family are too volatile and he doesn't want an awkward atmosphere. He bites his tongue a lot as doesn't want to make a scene in front of the kids in Xmas day.

Should be sleeping in but woke up at 6am as can't stop thinking about it all

Him handling his brother his way, puts nothing on you.

You handling your family your way, puts loads of obligation and pressure on him. And makes him unhappy in his own homes.

You handling your family your way, prioritises them and yourself over him every year.

But does that mean I have to turf out DN and her toddler just as a plentiful lu ch is about to be served? Knowing they would be going back to a grotty bedsit alone and at great expense in taxi fares?

This is why I feel so torn, it doesn't feel like the right thing to do at all at Christmas

I really feel for you OP. You're trying so hard to keep everyone happy in a situation where it really doesn't seem to be possible. You made a sensible plan for this year which had previously worked. There were some innocent misunderstandings and some people took advantage of your generosity and your (understandably upset and put out) DH should have handled it more graciously and just taken lessons for next year - but he's only human so we'll cut him some slack too!

Don't be too hard on yourself or your DH. When emotions have settled have a calm talk about how you can make compromises going forward. Maybe host wider family every other year?

You tried to do a nice thing. Your DH tried to do a nice thing. Be kind to yourselves.

You’re clearly not changing your mind here and continue to railroad your husband and try to paint him as a bad person. Only really replying to things that side with you or you can reply to to further insult your (long suffering by the sounds of it) husband.

I also think for the few people calling your husband childish for not eating and saying he’s being unreasonable, yeah, maybe he could have eaten, but this doesn’t sound like a habit of not eating to spite the wife, it sounds like he suffers her BS every year with her awful family and this year, he decided he didn’t want to eat. I think we can give him that if this is what he deals with every year and his flaky wife never supports him!

You really aren't listening to people you disagree with you are you.

That's obviously fine but please do try and see the alternative viewpoint if you want to support your husband.

You are not responsible for the toxic family mess and addiction issues that everyone seems to have.

You don't actually ever need to see them

And particularly not if your husband has asked for there not to be extra people in the house

@Marblebunn In an ideal world both op and dh would do anything for family and accommodating each others.
Mine and dh's family are equally awful challenging so there s more quid pro quo.
Possibly Dh needed to roll with the punches, which he actually did bar eating a meal.

Anyway he hasn't even said anything to op as far as we know!!

OP is this scenario a reality yet or are you just feeling guilty?

You should never have said yes to your neice coming over in the first place as this was always going to happen.

Why couldn't she have gone with your brother

But does that mean I have to turf out DN and her toddler just as a plentiful lu ch is about to be served? Knowing they would be going back to a grotty bedsit alone and at great expense in taxi fares?
This is why I feel so torn, it doesn't feel like the right thing to do at all at Christmas

I agree OP. In that moment, you couldn't do anything.

But well in advance, you need to make plans that prevent this from happening.

DH needs to stop sulking & work out a plan with you.

You put yourself and them in this situation though, it was always a possibility. If you want to see them all next year why not help a relative cook and host elsewhere? Or let DH know you're planning on disregarding him and so he can go elsewhere.

Entirely agree with this.

You cooked and hosted. Your H sounds like a dick to me (your brother does too, if that helps 😂), but sounds like your neice is really trying to turn her life around, and your H has no sympathy for a single mum who escaped DV, is trying to turn her life around, and had to work on Xmas day, and was being a knob by refusing to eat his dinner.

You’re clearly not changing your mind here and continue to railroad your husband and try to paint him as a bad person. Only really replying to things that side with you or you can reply to to further insult your (long suffering by the sounds of it) husband.

@Dishwashersaurous i think this is a taste of what her DH has to put up with. All the hand wringing helps to mask selfish tendencies.

You didn't 'let' your niece stay.
You let your niece stay.
I get that you felt railroaded by your brother, but really, all you did was show him that behaviour works - because he got what he wanted.
The evening before you could have been really clear with brother. 'Niece will need a plan you transport because we will not be able to host her after 2:30'. Then reinforced it when they arrived 'has niece booked a taxi for 2:30 or will you be driving her home?'.
Or -even better - you could have ignored your brother and treated niece like an independent adult. Contact niece the night before. 'I heard your shift changed and you don't start til 7. I realise that could be a bit awkward with popping in to us in the morning - Unfortunately we're not able to host you in the afternoon, so you'd have to either head home or go to a friend or something. If you'd rather catch up another day instead, let us know'.

Is DH actually sulking op or are you just feeling guilty?

What is the actual issue here?

You need to make it up to your dh if he feels hurt.

for avoidance of doubt

IT IS NOT ABOUT YOUR DN IN ISOLATION.

its about a pattern of behaviour. Your behaviour. you made multiple choices in the run up that led to the situation arising

like i said you should apologise and promise he can have Christmas how he wants it next year.

I’m going to say something and please know that it’s not be meant as an insult or condescending,
but I think at some point you need to see a therapist or do some counselling.

I say this because it sounds like you’re normalising loads of behaviour that is not normal and you seem to be perpetuating it by ‘going with the flow’ (your words) and accepting being surrounded by chaos.

also, the fact that your parents are oblivious to everything and your constant claims that you want everyone to be happy, makes me wonder if you’ve always been the one carrying the weight of your family’s dysfunctionality.

at some point you’re going to crack, it seems like it’s already weighing heavily on your husband and your relationship with him. I think it’s time you put yourself and close family first.

No, OP's DH cooked and hosted.

You weren’t turfing your niece out.

You made plans with her that she was leaving. She basically sat there until you gave in. You gave in knowing how your husband felt about it.

Expecting someone to leave when you agreed they would isn’t turfing them out.

Unless you actually agreed to let her stay before hand but are now making out to your dh, you felt embarrassed to:

This is all about you. It’s not about helping other people. It’s about you needing to appear like you do the right thing. Like a saint to your family.

at the expanse of your husband. To be honest, if I were him I would absolutely let you have the Christmas you want next year and I wouldn’t be there. You have shown you will always put your desire to be the saviour of the family above what makes him comfortable. It’s selfishness. After years of it I would be gone. Because it won’t only be Christmas Day when you do this.

Then you can cook and accommodate anyone. They can come and go as they please. Have an open house.

Your husband sounds unbelievably precious and a complete arse. Having your niece there was not ideal but for him to not eat his lunch is immature and childish. He needs to grow up.

@Mumsanetta I don't think OP 's behaviour is selfish exactly as more chaotic, human, unboundaried etc.

We don't know the full story but it could be kind and loving behaviour op is showing towards her wider family.

If dh is stony hearted should she go along with that instead?

Honestly next year book a holiday and not be around for Xmas. Just get away from the drama and let everyone else sort themselves out.

DH served lunch but didn't eat, chatted with my oblivious parents and says he would eat his later to relax and enjoy it, he's never done this before and he didn't eat a dinner at all yesterday even when everyone had gone.

I know he will blame me for not eating his lunch - no doubt because he 'didn't feel comfortable in his own home' and possibly because my niece was there (but out of sight and asleep for hours).

This is the only relevant bit. What an absolute baby. Ick. I'm sorry.

Your relatives all take you for granted and both your niece and brother have no social skills. The best thing for your marriage would be to go away at Christmas time every year - rent a little cottage and do Christmas alone. Then treat your parents to a lovely tea somewhere when you are back.

OP- look at the language you are using:

"turf her out", "season of goodwill", "I feel responsible because her family are awful". It's not "turfing someone out" to arrange hosting plans that suit you and your family. Why is all this your responsibility? These are grown adults here who are perfectly capable of arranging their own Christmas get togethers and you do not have to act like their mummy and treat them like Dickensian Christmas orphans. GROWN ADULTS.

You need to look at why you are taking on responsibilities that arent yours to take.

You need to have less of your chaotic and drug abusing family on Christmas, that’s what you need to do, especially less of your brother.