AIBU? Trying to unpick yesterday's upset

[DairyleaFunker]

For years, DH has been put out by my family (barring my parents who he loves) joining us for Xmas lunch (which DH makes). Over the years, the extra family member has included a rotation of siblings who have addiction problems or other issues and they would otherwise be alone at Christmas but usually only one person per year would be at a loose end.

I was brought up thinking 'the season of goodwill' means you don't willingly leave people alone at Christmas unless they want to be alone.

This year, my single brother - who can have everyone on eggshells as he can suddenly raise his voice and be very confrontational (but also can be very full of festive spirit, maybe due to a bipolar diagnosis?!) -was expected and he has come for several years without any major issues.

My niece (who is not DBs daughter) is recovering from coke addiction and recently fled a new relationship in December due to discovering a worryIng history of DV found herself homeless and put into emergency accommodation. During this challenging time she seems to have resisted going back to coke and has maintained her job and working with her ex and organisations to maintain shared care with her ex of their DS (3). Her and my brother teamed up for Xmas eve and morning and had a lovely time. The plan was that they would then come to mine for around 2 hours before lunch then at lunch the DS3 would be collected by its Dad and niece would go for a work shift.

On Xmas eve I heard from my brother that nieces shift had been changed to the evening and the DS3 was being collected after our lunch. Niece doesn't drive and lives half hour taxi away so I asked him to check what her plans were now that she had new time to fill - trying to be clear that she wasnt invited to mine for longer. We left it as he would ask her to let me know and I didn't hear from them again until they arrived on Xmas morning. As we were readying for lunch, my brother loudly asked me if my niece and her DS were staying for lunch, I said that the plan was that they were going just before lunch, to which my brother raised his voice a little and said 'I didn't ask you what the plan was, I asked if they were staying'. I told him he was putting me in an awkward position and I left the room wanting to run away and hide as felt torn - do I upset my husband by letting her stay? Do I kick her out on Xmas day knowing she has nowhere to go and will have to pay for a taxi home just to come back to the area later for work? Meanwhile niece staying quiet and maybe a bit socially unaware as seemed to think she could just plonk herself in my house for the day and didn't mention or ask about changing her plans and I didn't want to spell it out to her and make her feel unwelcome at a time she is trying hard to get her life on track. My brother had to take someone home so I called him to smooth things over before his return. We argued and I told him he had railroaded me into having more people for lunch than agreed, he said I had had time to accomodate her when he told me about her plans changing and I reminded him he had said he would tell her to let me know her new timings. I told him he had raised his voice at me on xmas day in my own house which is exactly why my husband wanted a quieter Christmas as more people creates more opportunity for arguments - he said he was going to his friends house instead. I text him as we sat down for lunch to say there was space for him if he changed his mind and no further discussion was needed as it's Christmas, he didnt reply or return.

Niece and her DS stayed for lunch then the DS was collected and niece was looking to contact another family member to go to their house for a nap before night shift but they gave an excuse that she couldn't (the rest of the family on her side are horrific and selfish so I feel responsible to show her some kindness and care) so I told her she could nap in my DC room as we wouldnt use upstairs until after the time she would leave and so she did that then went to work.

DH served lunch but didn't eat, chatted with my oblivious parents and says he would eat his later to relax and enjoy it, he's never done this before and he didn't eat a dinner at all yesterday even when everyone had gone.

I know he will blame me for not eating his lunch - no doubt because he 'didn't feel comfortable in his own home' and possibly because my niece was there (but out of sight and asleep for hours).

I just don't know what I could have done, I upset my DH and my brother and felt I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and I've ended up upsetting them both. In honesty, I don't mind a busy house full at Christmas and would have 20 people for dinner but DH says my family are too volatile and he doesn't want an awkward atmosphere. He bites his tongue a lot as doesn't want to make a scene in front of the kids in Xmas day.

Should be sleeping in but woke up at 6am as can't stop thinking about it all

I agree
I am surprised that most of the posters on this thread don’t see this.
(but this is no doubt why I am single, I couldn’t be doing with the not eating Christmas dinner to make a point level of childishness).

You have too much of a saviour complex. Your family is a chaotic mess, and no amount of ‘goodwill’ is going to stop that

Your brother and niece have messed up their lives enough, don’t let them do it to your kids by proxy because you enable this shit show

And your ‘oblivious’ parents..? Are they oblivious or do they do not give a shit when they’ve got you as their skivvy running around trying to fix everything and every one..?

I can see both yours and your husband’s side but ultimately I do sympathise with him. I suggest an alternate year on/year off basis with your family so that he gets the calm and relaxed atmosphere (guaranteed) at least every other year and you get to help out and not feel you’re excluding difficult family members.

I agree with this. I feel really sorry for your niece as she sounds like she's worked incredibly hard to get to where she is despite her horrible family. I really hope she didn't realise how unwelcome she was at Christmas lunch. Your DH had no need to act the martyr and not eat - with that many people just give each one a tiny bit less and there will be enough for another meal. I also think when you were told her shift changed you should have offered to have her for lunch because she had no way of making other plans gicen her circumstances and you knew that.

Your DH is just fed up of your family members taking a piss and you letting them.
Absolutely sure there will be many similar examples to what your brother did now.

But your brother wasn’t left alone, was he? He had a friend’s to go to.

As a people pleaser in recovery, can I point out how damaging your behaviour is? Rolling over to accommodate people (especially those whose own behaviour makes it even more of a chore) means an even more explosive outcome when the built up resentment eventually and inevitably boils over. Plus the people pleasing comes at a cost to those you’re also expecting to roll over (your DH, in this case) to accommodate your impulses. I eventually came to the conclusion, wrt to my own people pleasing tendencies, that there is something fundamentally weak and selfish in that behaviour, and that it creates more problems than it smoothes over.

It’s nice you want to help people but don’t do it at the expense of your DH’s comfort in his own home. That’s not fair on him.

I sympathise with your DH - but he went the wrong way about it yesterday. It was childish of him not to eat.

PP are correct - next year, well in advance, you & DH decide the Christmas you want and make that clear to your family.

Yesterday you did the right thing, having your niece there.

I’m with the husband about this. A recent drug user who is broke and homeless and going though a stressful period wants to “nap” in my child’s room on Christmas Day? I’d have been on eggshells that she was either up there getting off her face or nicking my kids new gifts to fund her addiction! Addiction recovery is very very rarely linear and relapse at times like Christmas Day is a real risk.

Do you ever host your husband’s family at Christmas OP, or goes your bountiful open house only extend to the really unsavoury elements of your own family?

I think you should have spelled it out from the start that DB and niece were not invited for lunch - your DB clearly can't take a hint.

Your DH is effectively sulking, which is not helpful.

You are being torn in pieces trying to please different people.

Next year, agree with your DH who will be coming for lunch - consider who you want there, not the people you think you ought to invite (you could always give them hospitality on another occasion). Have a list and stick to it, don't invite people to drop in for a couple of hours if they have form for then staying all day.

If people's plans change, tell them it's too short notice for you to change your plans.

He loves having my parents over but that nears people who could go to theirs are left alone

But that's not your problem or your responsibility to fix.

Noone else can host US as Dh insists we stay home Xmas day. He feels strongly that our kids should be home with their presents rather than been dragged out away from their new things. This is probably the root of us becoming default hosts as we were the ones people visited on Xmas morning.

So your parents are just totally innocent in all this? They sit there oblivious as their family falls apart and bickers and fights and struggle with addiction but it’s all on the kids…zero to do with them eh?

sounds like they lucked out with you. They get to switch off while you play the role of protector/fixer/helper/negotiator.

on a practical note, take your husband’s side. Tell him you’re sorry and thank him for putting up with your family for so long.

yes you need to be there for your family. Yes it’s lovely you don’t want anyone to be alone. You sound sweet. But you’re actively choosing them over your husband. Have Christmas lunch together then have your family over if you must or something but don’t make the poor bugger cook for these people who sound super ungrateful

Where does your niece normally go? Could she not have gone to her own parents?

I’m not surprised your DH is pissed off. He has been clear what kind of Christmas he would like but your family’s needs have taken over.

Next year, he chooses who comes. Waifs and strays can arrange their own Christmas if you give them notice. You are not responsible for them. Your brother sounds like a domineering nightmare.

A recent drug user who is broke and homeless and going though a stressful period wants to “nap” in my child’s room on Christmas Day? I’d have been on eggshells that she was either up there getting off her face or nicking my kids new gifts to fund her addiction

🙄
Both these scenarios could be addressed. It's a really nasty take on it from you.

Of course it's far from ideal, and DH is not wrong to prefer them not to be there.

But as they were it doesn't seem unreasonable to allow the niece to take a nap.

For the PP’s saying DH didn’t eat because he was sulking - I can’t eat (or sleep) when I’m upset. As in physically can’t - my throat feels so dry I can’t swallow and my brain is too wired to sleep.

This year, my single brother - who can have everyone on eggshells as he can suddenly raise his voice and be very confrontational (but also can be very full of festive spirit, maybe due to a bipolar diagnosis?!) -was expected and he has come for several years without any major issues.

My niece (who is not DBs daughter) is

I just reread your initial post and it sounds like this niece is not your bipolar’s brother’s daughter.

if it got this correctly, why didn’t her dad (I’m assuming another brother) host her?

No that's ridiculous.

Most people aren't that hungry when they are upset.

He still could have sat down & engaged with his own family, and dealt with the situation later. He was very unfair to OP.

If he wasn't here I'd have had a much less stressy day as I'm happy to go with the flow and accomodate people on Christmas day

Please do, he might actually have an enjoyable Christmas and be able to enjoy his lunch after cooking it and cleaning up after it. I have a complex family with addiction and problematic behaviours, and I protect my DH and our DC from it because I don't believe family who cause mayhem and issues should come before my family. If you want to see them why not go to theirs at Christmas? Have your parents over a different day for a lovely lunch? I'd honestly be furious if I was him, you are breezing over it as if it were a few extra people happily popping in and out. He's told you by what you've posted before that he finds your family hard to be around and for what sounds like good reason, if you aren't going to listen to him then that's sad.

Sounds like he'd already compromised by agreeing to part of the day with them, it's his home as well ffs.

Yes. You have hung your DH out to dry.

You are not the default host - he is the one cooking and cleaning, he is the default host!

As someone who is happy to invite waifs and strays and doesn’t like other people to be alone at Christmas, I understand why you are happy to have people over. But your husband’s views are equally valid!!!

Next year, say no. In fact, in June, let the usual suspects know that this Christmas you have decided not to have guests. Just that. ‘We aren’t having any guests this year’. If people are rude enough to push, you can always say ‘DH needs a break. He didn’t even get to have lunch with us last year. I don’t want that to happen again, so we are not having guests this year’.

I don’t often say this but, I feel sorry for your DH.

What do you mean by “no that’s ridiculous”? You don’t experience that yourself therefore it’s not true?

Obviously just going on what ‘s been posted here, but I think the reply that comments that you prioritise everyone over your husband is really the issue. Am guessing that, in addition to doing all the work on the day, your husband paid for most of it too? This is his home, his time off work, his Christmas. In the same shoes, I would offer a grovelling apology to him and agree that we would not be inviting anyone else over during future Christmases unless he suggested it - ie prob just your parents. Adult siblings and their assortment of MH and personal issues can visit on xmas eve or Boxing day, but DH’s Christmas should be sacrosanct.

The bit im confused about is that your brother had to go and drop someone off- wasn't that your niece and her son?
Did your parents not get involved in any of this?

Your brother proved a point that the only options aren’t he comes to yours or he’s alone. He found somewhere else last minute even though he didn’t have to. I wouldn’t invite him again next year. Your dh sounds like he just wants a chill Xmas and who can blame him.