AIBU? Trying to unpick yesterday's upset

[DairyleaFunker]

For years, DH has been put out by my family (barring my parents who he loves) joining us for Xmas lunch (which DH makes). Over the years, the extra family member has included a rotation of siblings who have addiction problems or other issues and they would otherwise be alone at Christmas but usually only one person per year would be at a loose end.

I was brought up thinking 'the season of goodwill' means you don't willingly leave people alone at Christmas unless they want to be alone.

This year, my single brother - who can have everyone on eggshells as he can suddenly raise his voice and be very confrontational (but also can be very full of festive spirit, maybe due to a bipolar diagnosis?!) -was expected and he has come for several years without any major issues.

My niece (who is not DBs daughter) is recovering from coke addiction and recently fled a new relationship in December due to discovering a worryIng history of DV found herself homeless and put into emergency accommodation. During this challenging time she seems to have resisted going back to coke and has maintained her job and working with her ex and organisations to maintain shared care with her ex of their DS (3). Her and my brother teamed up for Xmas eve and morning and had a lovely time. The plan was that they would then come to mine for around 2 hours before lunch then at lunch the DS3 would be collected by its Dad and niece would go for a work shift.

On Xmas eve I heard from my brother that nieces shift had been changed to the evening and the DS3 was being collected after our lunch. Niece doesn't drive and lives half hour taxi away so I asked him to check what her plans were now that she had new time to fill - trying to be clear that she wasnt invited to mine for longer. We left it as he would ask her to let me know and I didn't hear from them again until they arrived on Xmas morning. As we were readying for lunch, my brother loudly asked me if my niece and her DS were staying for lunch, I said that the plan was that they were going just before lunch, to which my brother raised his voice a little and said 'I didn't ask you what the plan was, I asked if they were staying'. I told him he was putting me in an awkward position and I left the room wanting to run away and hide as felt torn - do I upset my husband by letting her stay? Do I kick her out on Xmas day knowing she has nowhere to go and will have to pay for a taxi home just to come back to the area later for work? Meanwhile niece staying quiet and maybe a bit socially unaware as seemed to think she could just plonk herself in my house for the day and didn't mention or ask about changing her plans and I didn't want to spell it out to her and make her feel unwelcome at a time she is trying hard to get her life on track. My brother had to take someone home so I called him to smooth things over before his return. We argued and I told him he had railroaded me into having more people for lunch than agreed, he said I had had time to accomodate her when he told me about her plans changing and I reminded him he had said he would tell her to let me know her new timings. I told him he had raised his voice at me on xmas day in my own house which is exactly why my husband wanted a quieter Christmas as more people creates more opportunity for arguments - he said he was going to his friends house instead. I text him as we sat down for lunch to say there was space for him if he changed his mind and no further discussion was needed as it's Christmas, he didnt reply or return.

Niece and her DS stayed for lunch then the DS was collected and niece was looking to contact another family member to go to their house for a nap before night shift but they gave an excuse that she couldn't (the rest of the family on her side are horrific and selfish so I feel responsible to show her some kindness and care) so I told her she could nap in my DC room as we wouldnt use upstairs until after the time she would leave and so she did that then went to work.

DH served lunch but didn't eat, chatted with my oblivious parents and says he would eat his later to relax and enjoy it, he's never done this before and he didn't eat a dinner at all yesterday even when everyone had gone.

I know he will blame me for not eating his lunch - no doubt because he 'didn't feel comfortable in his own home' and possibly because my niece was there (but out of sight and asleep for hours).

I just don't know what I could have done, I upset my DH and my brother and felt I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and I've ended up upsetting them both. In honesty, I don't mind a busy house full at Christmas and would have 20 people for dinner but DH says my family are too volatile and he doesn't want an awkward atmosphere. He bites his tongue a lot as doesn't want to make a scene in front of the kids in Xmas day.

Should be sleeping in but woke up at 6am as can't stop thinking about it all

Just because you have always done things a certain way, does not mean you always have to continue.
Why not have a quiet Christmas with just you and your DH next year.
Maybe he has always wanted a quiet Christmas, but feels obligated to have your parents/family.
I always had a chaotic Christmas at home, but longed for quiet and peace, and would escape in the afternoon to my room. I make this point just to point out that just because your DH always had busy Christmases; maybe it's time for some peace and quiet.

I think you did the right (best) thing

Turfing your niece and her son out would have been awful

If your DH has a problem he needs to actually speak to you about it not be a martyr.
And if he would have turfed them out then I don't think much to his character

I think this is spot on.

Just reading the OP, I felt stressed and irritable. This is clearly the OP's normality.

OP you seem to be the people pleaser, the peace keeper, the one who has been trained to put others before your own needs, and now you are expecting your partner to join in with this charade. You blame him because you don't see any issue with living like this and are angry at him trying to assert some boundaries.

OP you use very overly emotional language when talking about Christmas and it sounds like you essentially guilt trip you husband every year. You don’t seem to be taking ownership or blame for any of the situation, in fact you make it seem like it’s all your husbands fault (when it’s your brothers fault)!

I feel for your DH 🤷‍♀️

This is nice.

For what it's worth, OP, my rule of thumb for inviting people (Christmas or otherwise) is on the basis of all or nothing. I.e. if they're invited, they're invited for everything for the whole day (because it's far too stressful and awkward to be monitoring who needs to leave when). The sidebar to that is that I don't feel obliged to invite anyone I don't actually want in my home. At all. Regardless of attempts at guilt.

If any family members do not like that, that is absolutely fine and no hard feelings if they'd rather celebrate elsewhere but I'd be extremely, calmly clear that our Christmas plans were to stay at home and invite only those people on the list. Guest options are to accept or decline the invitation as extended and that's it. It is not an option for them to attempt to add people (unless I happen to actively want people they suggest!)

For the sake of your DH I might actively limit next year's list to your immediate family and your parents, citing a busy year and need for a very quiet Christmas. For my money, your DN and her toddler don't seem to have done anything wrong and i might feel it whether DH would be happy (actively happy!) to have them but otherwise prioritise your DH next year. DB would not be invited, full stop.

How has is he taking priority when the Op has done way she wants ‘for years’.

This isn’t a one off. If it was I would have more sympathy with Op. it’s years of her doing what she wants, him telling her he is unhappy with it and then her doing it again.

She is the one taking priority every year.

i am not sure. Yes, the brother sounds difficult and unpleasant. But agree with others that it would be very odd to invite the niece but then ask her to leave before lunch.

I have just spent Christmas alone with my teen DD. I would have loved to spend it with family so I guess I have a different perspective.

I'm amazed by the number of addicts and people with personality disorders you and DH appear to have in your families.

@Lifeasiknowitisout

How has is he taking priority when the Op has done way she wants ‘for years’.

This isn’t a one off. If it was I would have more sympathy with Op. it’s years of her doing what she wants, him telling her he is unhappy with it and then her doing it again.

Look I'm not denying that the OP's family is dysfunctional and chaotic and the DH has had to be very patient with this for years. I can see why he's pissed off.

But I find it a bit unsettling the way so many people are defaulting to the assumption that the DH has the authority to run Christmas as he sees fit without taking his wife and her family's needs into account. And one poster upthread seemed to be implying that because he'd paid for the Christmas lunch (although we have no evidence of this, it is just an assumption) that what he says has to go.

I honestly think everyone in this scenario is behaving quite badly. The brother is a self-centred arsehole who is manipulating his sister. The niece is at best chaotic, at worst manipulative although I wouldn't have chucked her out on Christmas Day. But the DH sounds inflexible, sanctimonious and a total martyr and has basically sulked because he wasn't able to impose his own vision of Christmas on the family no questions asked. And people seem to take it as read that he should get to do this purely because he's the husband.

Sometimes families behave badly at Christmas. It's shit but there needs to be room for negotiation and compromise. He has a right to be irritated but he doesn't have a right to use guilt and manipulation to make things 100 times worse for the OP just because he's her husband.

It just makes me uncomfortable that everyone assumes he's the natural authority over all of this.

I don't think this but I do think that the immediate family (OP, her husband and their children) should come first when decisions are made about how to spend Christmas. If there's a mismatch in wants there, then some compromise needs to be found. One way of doing this is a year-on, year-off or similar. Given the OP has had her year this year (and, it sounds like, for many years prior) it's surely the husband's turn to have it his way next?

Anyone who lives in a house has the right to say they don’t want Christmas a certain way.

Both Op and her husband share the home. His wants have been completely ignored for years. And frankly, I think about one who wants to stop having difficult and chapstick family members over has a right to.

Are you suggesting if Op, as a woman, didn’t want her husband difficult family members over again and ended up being forced into it, then it would be reasonable for Op to be upset. The husband should suck it up, again, because he is a man?

It’s not even about the niece, though. Thats what everyone is missing. They have chaotic and difficult members there every year. This is an assimilation of years.

Both the brother and the niece are completely manipulative. That’s not a small thing.

I would be feeling pretty pissed off and not want to sit down to eat, if my husband (yet again) refused to stick to the boundaries we had put in place and let their family force themselves on us for dinner then retired to my kids room for a nap.

I don’t agree with whoever, says he paid for means he has more say. But I don’t think that what they were saying.

He is getting no say and hasn’t for years. And given he is also an adult in that household, he has as much right as the Op. and she has had it her way for years. He has more right that the Cheely fucker brother and niece. And let’s not forget after the brother invited the niece, forced Op into having her the left (proving he did have somewhere else to go) leaving the niece to be the Ops problem, she still text him and told him there was a place for uk if he wanted it. After starting an argument, causing problems then fucking off she would have still let him walk back in an eat.

At no point is the husband getting his own way at all.

I think everyone involved was unreasonable with the exception of yourself and your parents ( who weren’t really involved). Your brother thinks he can bully you by shouting and taking offended when he couldn’t,your niece should have communicated with you directly and your husband was totally inflexible and inconsiderate to you. What harm did your niece resting at hour house for a couple of hours do? I think it would have been mean to make her leave when her shift was changed. In future it might be better to keep it simple by inviting only your parents but I think you have a better Christmas spirit than your husband who was passive aggressive about it all.

@Lifeasiknowitisout

I don’t disagree with this really and the OP’s family is very manipulative, I can’t argue with that.

I guess I just feel uncomfortable with all the “it’s his house” and “he paid for the food” stuff. It’s as if his right to veto stems from his natural “head of household” status and it just gives me the ick.

And if he really had her back he would understand she is between a rock and a hard place and not spend the whole of Christmas Day in an epic sulk like a teenage girl.

It's all about you. What makes you happy and you feeling good about being generous to every nightmare family member.

I presume your DH lives with you too. What about his day?

He obviously hadn't had a right to veto all these years though, if OP has been inviting her chaotic family members over every Xmas. I suspect the things he "insists" on are his attempts to mitigate that. And regardless, if it's his house and he's cooking, he might not have a right to veto but he certainly does have the right to have a say.

I don't see any "epic sulk". He was polite and gracious to OP's parents and spent most of the time with them. And he didn't eat, which literally doesn't affect anyone else.

DH served lunch but didn't eat, chatted with my oblivious parents and says he would eat his later to relax and enjoy it

This is what happened in the OP's words. That's not a sulk. He didn't take himself off anywhere, shut himself away or get grumpy with anyone.

But most people posting that are doing it from the context of the thread.

Which is that this has gone on for years.

He has had her back and done it for years. She isn’t between a rock and a hard place. She is doing exactly what she wants every year.

When will she have his back over this issue? Or is that just the man’s job? Wives don’t ever have to reciprocate?

and I very much doubt op has decent boundaries the rest of year out they disappear in a poof of smoke overnight in Christmas Eve.

I can understand you not wanting people to be alone on Christmas Day if your parents are coming to you - which your DH likes.

I can also understand DH wanting to just have a Christmas with his little family and your parents and not with the more volatile members of the family.

So, if alternating doesn't work because you'd feel guilty that people are alone on alternate Christmas Days, why not just move the day?

Make Christmas Day a buffet food day, stack fridge with nibbles. People can come and go when they want (put in a cut off time or a 'no-one stays overnight rule).

Then DH can do a nice, quiet, family full blown Christmas dinner on Boxing day when everyone, miraculously, seems to have made their own plans. Because there's no mention of them being alone on Boxing day. So what do they do today? Many people who have to work on Christmas day like NHS, Police etc have their family Christmas meal on a different day. Just tell your family they can drop in but it won't be turkey and all the trimmings - just a nice running Christmas buffet.

That way DH is cooking just for his little family, has a peaceful day. He can also avoid the family members who annoy him by taking the kids out for a walk knowing there's plenty of meat/salad/nibbles to feed them when and where they want it.

But this 'goodwill to everyone' you mentioned doesn't seem to include a compromise for DH over the years and maybe he's just feeling that now. Or he may just be childish refusing to eat. I don't know and neither does anyone else on here except you.

Christmas Day is just another day. You can make it special without having to run your backside into the ground making everyone happy. Just swap the day around or do everything but Christmas dinner that day.

This, completely.

Stop asking them. Really, allowing people who choose to behave like arses to do their thing is enabling them. While you allow it they'll continue to do it. I'd be profoundly pissed off if I were your DH and I can see why he didn't feel like eating.

People can choose to behave appropriately around others or not. If they choose not to then just don't have them. I don't know why you expect your DH to have to live with the stress of this every year. It's very selfish.

I do feel for you OP, surrounded by so many problematic and dysfunctional family members, and it’s interesting that while you were stressing yourself trying to keep the peace and make everyone happy, your parents were ‘oblivious’.

Are they grandparents to your niece? Parents to your brother? And yet it all falls to you to worry, manage and try and please people.

Has this always been your role?

You don’t have to make them all happy. Not your responsibility!

... how do I tell family members they can't come because DH doesn't want them there without causing a huge rift?

Just tell it how it is! Remind your brother of how confrontational/aggressive he chooses to be and just tell him that you and DH simply don't want to deal with that at Christmas. Stop pussy-footing around! Life is about choices. It sounds to me as though you, your DB and your DH have some to make.

Your brother sounds like a dick.
Your husband sounds set in his ways and is grumpy when things change!
You sound like a nice person that is flexible to change but ends up stuck in the middle.

I'd go away for Christmas next year!

I agree. The poor man cooks every year, wants a quiet day and every year you inflict this on him because you like being the "kind one".

At first I thought he was being unnecessarily dramatic by not eating. But he was probably at the end of his tether. And now you're saying that in future you'll put the onus on HIM to say no to your family. It's very unfair of you.

Set in his ways?

He is the one that wants to change it. Op has done the same thing for years.

He doesn't "think" he can bully her. He knows. Sounds like from experience

Not much you can do about this year but I think you owe DH a big apology for putting him in this situation (& it sounds like not for the first time!) Next year I wouldn't be hosting anyone, prioritise your DH & children!