Christmas day "ruined" by nap

[Canonlythinkofthisone]

DH works long hours and shifts. I also work full time in a high pressure role. We barely cross paths between work and childcare, and have a rare 2 days off together for Christmas. We have one DD who is still too young to "fully" understand Christmas (this is her 2nd).

I was in the throws of PPD last Christmas and effort was minimal, so this year I've put alot of effort into the day (just the 3 of us).

He did make it home last night in time for bedtime (just) and dragged himself out of bed this morning so we could all go and check if santa had been. We had a lovely morning opening presents etc and all was well.

I asked him to keep DD out from under my feet whilst I cracked on with dinner. Dinner was always planned for just after DDs usual tea time of 4.30pm.

DD appeared in the kitchen mooching for some interaction. Stuck my head in the living room and DH has nodded off.

Gently woke him and asked him to keep an eye on DD again whilst I was busy. He stropped that he was entitled to be tired, and took himself to bed for a nap.
This is a man who regularly works 12 to 16 hour days without a nap, and hasn't taken a sick day in over a decade, for fear of "letting people down".

DD was too young to eat with us last year so this year I genuinely was looking forward to us all sitting down together to eat, crackers, silly hats etc. This really rarely happens as normally its only one of us home at a time with her.

DH has just woken up. After a 6hour nap. I'm not even angry. I'm just really sad. Me and DD ate together at 5pm. She's now in bed after a busy day and a fat roast dinner.

He's tried "apologising" by asking why I didn't wake him. I pointed out it's not my responsibility to wake a grown man for his dinner, he got mardy. I told him I was really disappointed that he can work all the time and not nap/take any time off/leave early etc, so there's clearly people he doesn't mind letting down, meaning me and DD. Wasted money and food, and a rare opportunity to sit as a family and enjoy Christmas lunch.

He's now moping round the kitchen washing the pots after microwaving his Christmas dinner and eating on his own. I get that he was tired but I just feel really sad. DD has had a wonderful day, and as we never eat together anyway, knows no different, I just feel like of all the days to just make an effort to be present, today was it.

But maybe IABU.

You should have just woken him up.

YANBU I would be really disappointed also all your efforts were wasted.
He doesn't sound very invested in family life.

I don’t think yabu, I would be really sad too. Obviously he can’t help being tired but aren’t we all knackered? DH and I slept in 15 minute increments until 5:30 last night as toddler/baby kept waking up but still managed to do everything together, he should’ve chugged a bit of caffeine and sucked it up for one day imo. Such a shame for you - sorry OP

You should have woken him up. Why didn't you? You ruined your own day by stubbornly not waking him up because 'you shouldn't have to'.

You should have woken him up - I think you were being a bit of a martyr and not giving him the chance to do anything about it.
People fall asleep - I do - and he probably didn't realise how tired he was.

Tbf you did wake him up and he said he wants to nap. I get why you're sad and I wouldn't be impressed. If he's apologising now then maybe just move on and try to agree to have a nice family day tomorrow.

YANBU to be upset, however a grown adult having a 6hr sleep in the day either means he is actually exhausted or is sickening for something.

He probably needs to look at his work life balance though, it doesn't sound healthy.

Agree, if it was that important you should have woken him. I think he should be allowed a nap on Christmas day if he wants, an hour would have been enough though

Letting him sleep for 6 hours was ridiculous. Although I would have been cross if my DH went for a nap on Christmas Day to be fair but I would have woken him after an hour with a coffee and for cracking with the day.

It’s understandable that you are both exhausted . It’s ok for him to have a nap but why the hell didn’t you wake him for Christmas dinner. Sorry but you were a martyr.

I would have woken him up. Having a six hour nap in the middle of the day is also not normal, he must be either extremely tired or depressed. Both a concern for different reasons.
It does sound like something needs to change in order for your relationship to keep working,

Why didn’t you just wake him? Honestly, it sounds like he has an exhausting life and yeah, you can just keep on plodding along when it’s non stop but when you get a couple days off, sometimes it hits you and that’s it.
He was a bit of a dick for sleeping through Xmas, but you all got up so early and you’re both stressed. It’s just give and take. You could so easily have given him a couple hours to sleep, chilled out about dinner (it was just the three of you so really… not hard) and woken him up to spend the afternoon together.

It’s like you saw an opportunity to be a martyr, to have a miserable day and a reason for a fight and you ran with it instead of waking him, having a lovely afternoon and dinner together. So honestly, you were unreasonable and it’s like you wanted a fight today.

I'm sure you don't really hate him and you'd clearly had enough but you should have woken him up. It might not be your responsibility but it's what people do for each other.

Sometimes people can keep going without feeling tired and then once the sit down/relax they fall asleep. YABU in this set-up, you could gave woken your DH 30 minutes before dinner was ready, rather than seething for six hours.

I mean you could have woken him but he does sound like he doesn’t really care about family life…. What are his good points?

Ummm you should have woken him up! There’s such a thing as sleep deficit. If he usually works such long hours then no wonder he was knackered.

Yes, he should’ve been helping you with DD and there’s no excuse for that. However, your reaction was completely spiteful and it looks like you ruined your own Christmas.

Why, why did you not just wake him up??

I don't think YABU to feel sad as I'm sure it feels like you're not a priority, but I can understand your DH - when you have a bit of time off from everything being so hectic your body just shuts down.

I do think you should have woken him though

I can understand you being a bit irritated at him for falling asleep but you should have just woken him when lunch was ready.

YABU.

He was clearly exhausted and struggling to stay awake so it was really unkind of you not to wake him.

OP did wake him up the first time to watch his child, he stropped and took himself back off to sleep. Why should she be responsible for waking him up and him deciding what is worth getting up for? He should have stayed up after she woke him up the first time.

YANBU at all. If it was an accident he's have stayed awake after you did wake him up.

He chose to nap.

He thought it was perfectly fair for you to cook Christmas Dinner AND look after a toddler and then wake him up and serve him his dinner. How is that fair?

Nah, bullshit, he chose this.

He was obviously a lot more exhausted than he realized. Leaving him to sleep through Christmas dinner was a twat move. It would have been dead easy to nudge him, let him know it was ready. You chose not to.

@mileend when OP woke him earlier he was stroppy. Why would she try to wake him again?? Is everything the woman's fault ? Is even waking people up part of women's work?

To clarify sorry, I did go upstairs twice and try to wake him and just got a series of grunts 🤣 it's not like I was just moping about downstairs waiting for an argument.

I couldn't delay dinner much longer than I did, a hungry toddler is no fun any day.

He's normally fine with the hours, we both work long hours in tiring Jobs. He's especially tired at the moment as he has been up later even after getting home Friday and Saturday completing a piece of work.

I do get that he was tired, but aren't we all? He could have tucked himself into bed at 7pm for all I cared. I'm not angry at him, and we haven't argued as such. I'm just feeling a bit deflated after putting a fair chunk of energy into trying to have lovely day.

We're off to my parents tomorrow for the day, so no chance of a nap tomorrow 🤣