Christmas day "ruined" by nap

[Canonlythinkofthisone]

DH works long hours and shifts. I also work full time in a high pressure role. We barely cross paths between work and childcare, and have a rare 2 days off together for Christmas. We have one DD who is still too young to "fully" understand Christmas (this is her 2nd).

I was in the throws of PPD last Christmas and effort was minimal, so this year I've put alot of effort into the day (just the 3 of us).

He did make it home last night in time for bedtime (just) and dragged himself out of bed this morning so we could all go and check if santa had been. We had a lovely morning opening presents etc and all was well.

I asked him to keep DD out from under my feet whilst I cracked on with dinner. Dinner was always planned for just after DDs usual tea time of 4.30pm.

DD appeared in the kitchen mooching for some interaction. Stuck my head in the living room and DH has nodded off.

Gently woke him and asked him to keep an eye on DD again whilst I was busy. He stropped that he was entitled to be tired, and took himself to bed for a nap.
This is a man who regularly works 12 to 16 hour days without a nap, and hasn't taken a sick day in over a decade, for fear of "letting people down".

DD was too young to eat with us last year so this year I genuinely was looking forward to us all sitting down together to eat, crackers, silly hats etc. This really rarely happens as normally its only one of us home at a time with her.

DH has just woken up. After a 6hour nap. I'm not even angry. I'm just really sad. Me and DD ate together at 5pm. She's now in bed after a busy day and a fat roast dinner.

He's tried "apologising" by asking why I didn't wake him. I pointed out it's not my responsibility to wake a grown man for his dinner, he got mardy. I told him I was really disappointed that he can work all the time and not nap/take any time off/leave early etc, so there's clearly people he doesn't mind letting down, meaning me and DD. Wasted money and food, and a rare opportunity to sit as a family and enjoy Christmas lunch.

He's now moping round the kitchen washing the pots after microwaving his Christmas dinner and eating on his own. I get that he was tired but I just feel really sad. DD has had a wonderful day, and as we never eat together anyway, knows no different, I just feel like of all the days to just make an effort to be present, today was it.

But maybe IABU.

🤣🤣🤣 oh I'm stealing this. I wonder if there's other seasonal variations

Yes, it’s not your responsibility to wake a grown man, but guess what? He’s a shift worker who’s overworked and he’s is tired… he rarely makes it home in time for a meal with you, so why would you expect any different today?

I would have woken my DH, specially considering how hard he works and the hours he puts in. I’m assuming he works so hard to keep his family fed, warm and housed, no?

It would have have been incredibly bitchy of me to go on with my meal, knowing my DH is exhausted… but since it’s not my job, fuck him.

if it were that important to You, you would have woken him.

Grow up.

This. It’s really not a big deal

As your DD is <2 and you both work obscene hours I would have been prioritising naps and rest for the two of you as opposed to cooking a roast dinner and ‘doing Xmas’. Soon DD will know exactly what Xmas is and you won’t have the luxury of ignoring it!

Exactly. A lot of people are incredibly tired at the end of the year. You should have just woken him instead of being such a martyr. Also a bit of kindness and understanding towards your DH: maybe he is coming down with something or just really run down from a busy year. Your expectations were also very high as you wanted to make up for last year.

Really? And if OP had fallen asleep as well because she was so tired, who would’ve looked after the kid? She woke him up once, he stripped off to bed, why on earth would she bother to try again?

I have no idea why op is having such a hard time.

You woke him and he stropped off. Personally I wouldn't have blamed you for letting him get on with it but it seems you went up and tried again anyway. My ex was a deep sleeper too and was arsey as fuck if woken before he was ready to be so I get why you wouldn't have put yourself in the firing line. If he didn't wake easily he likely wasn't going to be the picture of sweetness and light sitting at the dinner table let's be honest!

I think it's completely understandable you feel a bit deflated and he knows he's screwed up and that's why he's deflecting.

You sound really balanced about it though. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day and in future he realises he needs to put in the effort to be around if he doesn't want to miss special times.

I’m sorry but if he fell asleep for 6 hours in the middle of the day he was clearly exhausted.

you should have woken him up.

maybe you both need to look at your work life balances.. if you carry on like this you’ll likely be divorced before your daughter gets to school.

For those who keep saying I should have woken him. I did try. I didn't go in with a drum kit granted, but I did try and get him up. Man could sleep through being swept off in a hurricane.

I also wanted to enjoy the last couple of hours of the day with DD not up and down the stairs every 5 minutes getting more and more annoyed.

As it is, I've accepted he was knackered, he's accepted I'm a bit disappointed with the 2nd half of the day, and we move on. 😊

Have you ever worked shifts?

Fascinated by all the people setting alarm clocks for their Christmas day naps.

I wouldn't set an alarm if I nodded off, but if someone woke me up and I then decided I desperately needed to go to bed for a longer nap, I would set an alarm or I would ask them to wake me in an hour, I can honestly say I have never had the luxury of a six hour nap on Christmas day, even after working Christmas Eve nightshift !

I'm afraid I would need to know why a grown adult needs a 6 hour nap. And I say that as someone who has worked a night shift xmas Eve, had a 2 hour nap & cooked Christmas dinner.

So the question for me is whether he Is Ill or a lazy twat. Either way he isn't on your team OP so I understand your frustration and I'm sorry your Christmas wasn't how you imagined.

Your disappointment is understandable.

The double standards on here are alive and kicking too I see.

He clearly works a lot but you've said you do too, plus from the sounds of it do the lion share of the childcare.

Women are expected to carry on regardless though and if you had posted the other way round 'Husband is annoyed I left him to cook dinner with our young child whilst I slept most of the day away' I can guarantee you would have different responses.

Would truly bet my house on it - you'd be asked why YOU didn't set an alarm, why you didn't ask husband to wake you after an hour or so, did you really need to sleep so much on Christmas day, it's just one day could you really not of pushed through bla bla bla.

Disheartening.

Anyway, I hope you still had a nice enough day OP and have a better boxing day!

You definitely should have woken him.
He must really have needed that sleep.

I think when you finally get time off your body just shuts down. You say you get he was tired but aren’t we all- in that case, you could have told him you were having a nap too! I napped today then dh napped later. Neither of us intended to but we were exhausted.

Itslegitimatesalvage · Today 20:46

Why didn’t you just wake him? Honestly, it sounds like he has an exhausting life and yeah, you can just keep on plodding along when it’s non stop but when you get a couple days off, sometimes it hits you and that’s it

This is exactly right. That’s just what happens after months of pressure. In another version very real illness can strike.

What a shame you didn’t get coffee ready then wake him up.

You seem to have got emotionally disconnected from each other.

Now he’s well rested, can he make you all a lovely dinner tomorrow?

You both sound like you have a lot on? Maybe with less pressure tomorrow, you can all have that lovely dinner together.

Fuck me the pathetic women on this thread is obscene. Imagine if OP had sodded off for 6 hours and was on here trying to justify it! You lot would rip her apart.

have a nice evening @Canonlythinkofthisone but I think I would be having a conversation with my husband about expectations and parental responsibilities.

4.30pm is so late to eat?! We ate breakfast together and then ate again at 1pm and then we are all free to play games/nap/snack etc. so I think yabu. Sounds like he was exhausted and I don’t understand the cooking all day for a meal when you all would have been happier with a quicker and easier meal, playing with DD and him getting caught up on some sleep without the guilt trip and you feeling upset!

OP he was asked to watch a baby and didn’t . You woke him up Once and instead of staying up and parenting and enjoying Xmas day with you both he tooke himself to bed.
Not your job to Chase after a grown man .
I’d feel the same as you . Somethings :
/ people are worth making the effort for .
are you or his dd not on the list.

We are all tired esp at Xmas

You cooked from present opening in the morning until 4:30??

What's wrong with that?!

YANBU

He set you up to feel it was your fault that he slept through dinner, when he was the one who didn't bother setting an alarm.

Unless he's coming down with some sort of virus, I'd be pretty disappointed in his performance.

Really weird you wouldn’t just wake him. He must have been exhausted to sleep for 6 hours

He was exhausted. You need to stop with the totally unnecessary demands and expectations of living some sort of perfect life.