Christmas day "ruined" by nap

[Canonlythinkofthisone]

DH works long hours and shifts. I also work full time in a high pressure role. We barely cross paths between work and childcare, and have a rare 2 days off together for Christmas. We have one DD who is still too young to "fully" understand Christmas (this is her 2nd).

I was in the throws of PPD last Christmas and effort was minimal, so this year I've put alot of effort into the day (just the 3 of us).

He did make it home last night in time for bedtime (just) and dragged himself out of bed this morning so we could all go and check if santa had been. We had a lovely morning opening presents etc and all was well.

I asked him to keep DD out from under my feet whilst I cracked on with dinner. Dinner was always planned for just after DDs usual tea time of 4.30pm.

DD appeared in the kitchen mooching for some interaction. Stuck my head in the living room and DH has nodded off.

Gently woke him and asked him to keep an eye on DD again whilst I was busy. He stropped that he was entitled to be tired, and took himself to bed for a nap.
This is a man who regularly works 12 to 16 hour days without a nap, and hasn't taken a sick day in over a decade, for fear of "letting people down".

DD was too young to eat with us last year so this year I genuinely was looking forward to us all sitting down together to eat, crackers, silly hats etc. This really rarely happens as normally its only one of us home at a time with her.

DH has just woken up. After a 6hour nap. I'm not even angry. I'm just really sad. Me and DD ate together at 5pm. She's now in bed after a busy day and a fat roast dinner.

He's tried "apologising" by asking why I didn't wake him. I pointed out it's not my responsibility to wake a grown man for his dinner, he got mardy. I told him I was really disappointed that he can work all the time and not nap/take any time off/leave early etc, so there's clearly people he doesn't mind letting down, meaning me and DD. Wasted money and food, and a rare opportunity to sit as a family and enjoy Christmas lunch.

He's now moping round the kitchen washing the pots after microwaving his Christmas dinner and eating on his own. I get that he was tired but I just feel really sad. DD has had a wonderful day, and as we never eat together anyway, knows no different, I just feel like of all the days to just make an effort to be present, today was it.

But maybe IABU.

Fascinated by all the people setting alarm clocks for their Christmas day naps.

Heheeee me too 🤣

This. I had a nap today as I was exhausted. I almost never nap. Actual holidays/days off are so rare and all my tiredness hit at once. Thank God DH woke me up after an hour so I could spend some time on Christmas playing with the little ones while he sorted dinner out instead of leaving me there to make a passive aggressive point that I should be able to get out of bed on my own. Yesterday, he napped and I woke him up after a reasonable time. That's how relationships work, you build each other up you don't stand by and watch each other fuck up if you can easily avert it.

I would have thought someone who had experienced the hell of PPD would have come out of it with more empathy towards other people, especially those who supported you through it.

It wasn't anything extraordinary. Just a nice roast dinner. And yes the meal was as much his idea as mine. He was really looking forward to it.

I do get everyone saying I should have just woken him, he sleeps like a tranquilsed horse when he sleeps, and I did try and raise him a couple of times. Between sorting dinner and playing with DD before and after she ate, it then did get to a point where I just thought. Well he may as well just sleep now.

I did suggest he should have set an alarm and he claims he did. I have still had a lovely day with DD and I'm not going to LTB over it, just wondered if I was BU to feel a bit deflated that's all.

I really don't know OP. You're entitled to feel sad but I think he was maybe entitled to rest. At the end of the day, it's meant to be restful. I think going forward you need to communicate expectations of Christmas day.

Memories are forever. You cut your nose off to spite your face. I do this sometimes too. 😉 I would’ve just woken him with a cuppa and said “dinner’s ready - hope you’ve had a nice rest but you’re washing up”. Hope you have a nice evening together.

YANBU. Urgh men can be so pathetic - he could have set a wee alarm if he’d wanted to!

Parents - both of them - are tired but don’t disappear for a nap for six hours leaving the other parent to do everything on their own. What would this father have done if the mother had taken herself off for a six hour nap on Christmas Day?

You should have woken him up instead of martyring yourself.

I'm not sure you can claim Christmas has been 'ruined' but also not your responsibility to wake him up. If its that important to you, wake him up!

Also if he works 12-16 hour days all the time and rarely has any time off, do you think there is the teensiest possibility he could be fucking knackered!

I think I'd be really concerned why he needed a 6 hour nap after a full night's sleep. I wonder if there is a health issue looming.

Ideally, you all could adjust the work-life balance so a day off work, holiday or not, isn't time to catch up on a big chunk of lost sleep. It is a sign of a bigger problem.

Perhaps your current level of 2 "full on" jobs isn't sustainable?

You both sound exhausted.

Ah snap Grendell. It's not about todays nap really.

Let’s hope he’d have the common sense to wake her after a couple of hours.

None of this is hard for adults who make the effort to communicate.

I've got no time for nappers, I'd be livid and devastated if my DH did that on Christmas day. It's such a special day in our family.

Devastated? Seriously??

@Canonlythinkofthisone DID have the common sense to wake him after a couple of hours. He grunted.

@HunterHearstHelmsley that's not waking him up....?

Entirely possible yes. But I also work full time and have long ass days, so I figured for one day, he could put his big boy pants on. I'd have loved a nap on the sofa but DD only seems to like jumping on my head not his so here we are.

I realise I missed my opportunity to wake him up by throwing a hyperactive 19 month old at him in bed and shutting the door 🤣

Sending in your daughter to wake daddy would have been ideal.

You’ll know for next time.

I'm struggling to understand your concern? Single mothers manage with a 2 year old and cooking dinner. You report he works 16 hour days so u must be able to manage making food and an 2 year old at other times of the year. If it was so concerning. Why didn't u wake him? Another option would b to have food a bit later. It's only one day!

😂😂😂😂😂

@Canonlythinkofthisone OP your responses are thought-through and you come across like a lovely person. It's a shame things didn't go as planned today, but there's lots of fun to be had tomorrow too

Not sure where I said I was concerned but ok 😊