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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas day "ruined" by nap

396 replies

Canonlythinkofthisone · 25/12/2023 20:39

DH works long hours and shifts. I also work full time in a high pressure role. We barely cross paths between work and childcare, and have a rare 2 days off together for Christmas. We have one DD who is still too young to "fully" understand Christmas (this is her 2nd).

I was in the throws of PPD last Christmas and effort was minimal, so this year I've put alot of effort into the day (just the 3 of us).

He did make it home last night in time for bedtime (just) and dragged himself out of bed this morning so we could all go and check if santa had been. We had a lovely morning opening presents etc and all was well.

I asked him to keep DD out from under my feet whilst I cracked on with dinner. Dinner was always planned for just after DDs usual tea time of 4.30pm.

DD appeared in the kitchen mooching for some interaction. Stuck my head in the living room and DH has nodded off.

Gently woke him and asked him to keep an eye on DD again whilst I was busy. He stropped that he was entitled to be tired, and took himself to bed for a nap.
This is a man who regularly works 12 to 16 hour days without a nap, and hasn't taken a sick day in over a decade, for fear of "letting people down".

DD was too young to eat with us last year so this year I genuinely was looking forward to us all sitting down together to eat, crackers, silly hats etc. This really rarely happens as normally its only one of us home at a time with her.

DH has just woken up. After a 6hour nap. I'm not even angry. I'm just really sad. Me and DD ate together at 5pm. She's now in bed after a busy day and a fat roast dinner.

He's tried "apologising" by asking why I didn't wake him. I pointed out it's not my responsibility to wake a grown man for his dinner, he got mardy. I told him I was really disappointed that he can work all the time and not nap/take any time off/leave early etc, so there's clearly people he doesn't mind letting down, meaning me and DD. Wasted money and food, and a rare opportunity to sit as a family and enjoy Christmas lunch.

He's now moping round the kitchen washing the pots after microwaving his Christmas dinner and eating on his own. I get that he was tired but I just feel really sad. DD has had a wonderful day, and as we never eat together anyway, knows no different, I just feel like of all the days to just make an effort to be present, today was it.

But maybe IABU.

OP posts:
Gcsunnyside23 · 27/12/2023 00:28

surreygirl1987 · 26/12/2023 22:20

Did you huff off in a strop when they woke you up, then take yourself for a longer nap then keep going back to sleep despite being woken for dinner again twice? No. You actually had the proper response. Having a nap is fine, a 6 hour one is not when you have a child and your wife has asked you to be a parent while they cook

Actually, my husband says he tried to gently wake me a couple of times but I just muttered something and went back to sleep. I probably would have slept for 6 hours or more if he hadn't woken me properly eventually! If I was supposed to look after my kids, I'd have felt bad, but be really confused why my husband didn't just wake me up!

But she did the first time and he went off in a strop for another nap

Clauz · 27/12/2023 01:19

You tried waking a grown man (who was fully aware that a child needed caring for and you were trying to cook Christmas dinner) not once but multiple times - what more could you do? He was probably just absolutely exhausted and didn't communicate well about it but it was your day too and it's understandable you now feel sad given how it worked out. 'Dinner is ready' would have been a good final reminder but you shouldn't have had to keep trying to wake him, particularly given the responses you were getting when you tried previously.

Perhaps there is more going on such as he's getting ill or feels burnt out. If you haven't already, maybe tell him how it made you feel and see if he will help you understand how he was feeling so you can move forward from there.

Hope you all manage to enjoy the rest of Christmas!

Mothership4two · 27/12/2023 02:54

masterblaster · 26/12/2023 21:39

Your husband is exhausted after shift work and you are mean and passive aggressive to him because he’s knackered? Did I get that right?

Poor guy.

No you didn't RTWT

Castlerock44 · 27/12/2023 03:16

Strange that you wouldn't wake him up. I don't understand the "it's not my job" thing.

Castlerock44 · 27/12/2023 03:19

I don't see the relevance of him being able to work long 12 hour days and manage to stay awake but falling asleep on his day off. That's when it catches up when you finally manage to unwind.

Mothership4two · 27/12/2023 03:31

If I could be bothered I would go and count the many many "you should have just woken him up" comments on this thread. OP did try to wake him twice then gave up as she had her hands full looking after her child and cooking Christmas dinner. OP also works long hours which is why they both particularly wanted to have this day together as a family as it is a rare event. They have discussed it, her DP has apologised and they have moved on.

Quite understandable (to me) that OP would have felt a bit sad about it on the day.

PurpleBugz · 27/12/2023 03:34

Im kind of disgusted he just fell asleep when in charge of such a small child. What if you were not there? You had asked him to entertain dd while you cooked his dinner. He didn't respect you enough to do that. That's what would make me angry

Lollipop25 · 27/12/2023 04:23

YANBU 100%, and to all these posters saying “why didn’t you wake him?” Cop on! It was his decision to waste a very important day napping. His priorities are wrong. A lot of people work hard and are tired but we suck it up when it comes to important days like Xmas. I’m sad for this poster, what a crap memory to have for this year. At least your DD has you😔

OldPerson · 27/12/2023 05:13

You have bigger problems than just Christmas dinner. At some point between working every hour in stressful jobs and putting energy into "fun family time", comes downtime. If you skip on "downtime" and "fun family time" you either go straight to divorce or burnout. If you still all want to spend time together as a family, don't save it for Christmas. Use friends and family for a "relax/sleep" day on a Saturday, and do a Sunday family fun day at a petting zoo or park. When you have big obstacles, set small goals.

katedean · 27/12/2023 06:48

Sadly sounds all too familiar. Everyone is exhausted!

123justforme · 27/12/2023 08:26

I understand why you did not go and wake him up but really feel you should of. You need to sit down and really explain how you are feeling. Maybe once a week/month you should try and sit together for a meal.
So sorry it was such a significant day and this happened.

Purplepinkfairy · 27/12/2023 09:41

You should of woke him when dinner was ready.

LoveMyBusPass · 27/12/2023 09:45

Controversial, I know, but what I get from reading is that you all actually had an OK day. Your DH was clearly in need of some serious sleep. Yes, he let you down, but that's what we do to our nearest and dearest unfortunately. DD had a good time and so did you. It wasn't what you had planned, but don't we all invest too much in the Great Christmas Dinner?

Mayana1 · 27/12/2023 09:49

I would rather say something might need to change in their career?! Working 12-16 hours daily is very unhealthy. No wonder he was exhausted to death. It's not nice of course, but he must be so sleep deprived and soon there could be other underlying health issues. Maybe profitable, I get it, but very unhealthy life style.

T1Dmama · 27/12/2023 10:07

bakebeans · 25/12/2023 21:14

I'm struggling to understand your concern? Single mothers manage with a 2 year old and cooking dinner. You report he works 16 hour days so u must be able to manage making food and an 2 year old at other times of the year. If it was so concerning. Why didn't u wake him? Another option would b to have food a bit later. It's only one day!

But @Canonlythinkofthisone ISN’T a single mum…… so therefore SHOULDN’T have to ‘manage’ alone on Christmas Day should she!
Just because single people ‘manage’ doesn’t mean fathers can just fall asleep and leave everything to the mum.

such an irreverent comment.

T1Dmama · 27/12/2023 10:27

I’m shocked at how many people think you were unreasonable and think a dad should be allowed to sleep Christmas Day away!
apparently we still live in a world where even though BOTh parents work full time demanding hours, a woman still has to provide childcare and cook on her day off and the father should be allowed to sleep for 6 hours! …. Let’s face it, falling asleep on the sofa on Christmas Day is one thing … and my dad does it every year…. But stropping off to bed, knowing full well that once in a cosy bed he’d likely go into a deeper sleep was totally selfish and unreasonable given that it was your first day in ages together…. Add to that it being Christmas Day, which unless my memory fails me, comes but once a year! I can’t believe MNers find it unreasonable for a woman to want her DH to mark an effort on Christmas Day! It actually saddens me that so many women just think this is normal behaviour and acceptable for a woman to do it all still

Grammarnut · 27/12/2023 11:48

Lollipop25 · 27/12/2023 04:23

YANBU 100%, and to all these posters saying “why didn’t you wake him?” Cop on! It was his decision to waste a very important day napping. His priorities are wrong. A lot of people work hard and are tired but we suck it up when it comes to important days like Xmas. I’m sad for this poster, what a crap memory to have for this year. At least your DD has you😔

He works 12-hour shifts and is exhausted. How much sleep did he get?

surreygirl1987 · 27/12/2023 12:50

BOTh parents work full time demanding hours

He works 12-16 hours a day though. That's not just full time - that's brutal. Does she work this torturous schedule too? I'd be less concerned with the nap and more concerned with sorting out an unsustainable working pattern... as a team.

I'm so glad my husband didn't blast me on mumsnet when I had a nap, exhausted, on Christmas Day!

surreygirl1987 · 27/12/2023 12:51

You have bigger problems than just Christmas dinner. At some point between working every hour in stressful jobs and putting energy into "fun family time", comes downtime. If you skip on "downtime" and "fun family time" you either go straight to divorce or burnout.

Absolutely!

riceuten · 27/12/2023 14:55

I suspect he would have massively kicked off. Been there, done that

BoredofBlonde · 27/12/2023 16:44

surreygirl1987 · 27/12/2023 12:50

BOTh parents work full time demanding hours

He works 12-16 hours a day though. That's not just full time - that's brutal. Does she work this torturous schedule too? I'd be less concerned with the nap and more concerned with sorting out an unsustainable working pattern... as a team.

I'm so glad my husband didn't blast me on mumsnet when I had a nap, exhausted, on Christmas Day!

No, she doesn't work 12 to 16 hours a day.

She works 24 hours a day, most unpaid, as a mum, cook, cleaner, etc etc

What a ridiculous question 🙄

Mothership4two · 27/12/2023 16:52

BoredofBlonde · 27/12/2023 16:44

No, she doesn't work 12 to 16 hours a day.

She works 24 hours a day, most unpaid, as a mum, cook, cleaner, etc etc

What a ridiculous question 🙄

Show quote history

He works 12-16 hours a day though.

Three days a week. One day less than the OP.

Plus what BoredBlonde said

Mothership4two · 27/12/2023 17:00

Grammarnut · 27/12/2023 11:48

He works 12-hour shifts and is exhausted. How much sleep did he get?

Show quote history

8 hours the night before according to the OP

Mothership4two · 27/12/2023 17:02

Purplepinkfairy · 27/12/2023 09:41

You should of woke him when dinner was ready.

She did RTWT

AllIsWellish · 27/12/2023 17:17

Sod that! If a grown man snapped at my for waking him up then stomped off for another nap I wouldn't be waking him up again so op did more than I would have done!

Poor lamb working 3 days a week 🙄

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