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AIBU?

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Original poster

Christmas day "ruined" by nap

396 replies

Canonlythinkofthisone · 25/12/2023 20:39

DH works long hours and shifts. I also work full time in a high pressure role. We barely cross paths between work and childcare, and have a rare 2 days off together for Christmas. We have one DD who is still too young to "fully" understand Christmas (this is her 2nd).

I was in the throws of PPD last Christmas and effort was minimal, so this year I've put alot of effort into the day (just the 3 of us).

He did make it home last night in time for bedtime (just) and dragged himself out of bed this morning so we could all go and check if santa had been. We had a lovely morning opening presents etc and all was well.

I asked him to keep DD out from under my feet whilst I cracked on with dinner. Dinner was always planned for just after DDs usual tea time of 4.30pm.

DD appeared in the kitchen mooching for some interaction. Stuck my head in the living room and DH has nodded off.

Gently woke him and asked him to keep an eye on DD again whilst I was busy. He stropped that he was entitled to be tired, and took himself to bed for a nap.
This is a man who regularly works 12 to 16 hour days without a nap, and hasn't taken a sick day in over a decade, for fear of "letting people down".

DD was too young to eat with us last year so this year I genuinely was looking forward to us all sitting down together to eat, crackers, silly hats etc. This really rarely happens as normally its only one of us home at a time with her.

DH has just woken up. After a 6hour nap. I'm not even angry. I'm just really sad. Me and DD ate together at 5pm. She's now in bed after a busy day and a fat roast dinner.

He's tried "apologising" by asking why I didn't wake him. I pointed out it's not my responsibility to wake a grown man for his dinner, he got mardy. I told him I was really disappointed that he can work all the time and not nap/take any time off/leave early etc, so there's clearly people he doesn't mind letting down, meaning me and DD. Wasted money and food, and a rare opportunity to sit as a family and enjoy Christmas lunch.

He's now moping round the kitchen washing the pots after microwaving his Christmas dinner and eating on his own. I get that he was tired but I just feel really sad. DD has had a wonderful day, and as we never eat together anyway, knows no different, I just feel like of all the days to just make an effort to be present, today was it.

But maybe IABU.

OP posts:
Shodan · 25/12/2023 21:15

So it wasn't enough that OP managed to keep herself awake, cooked the dinner, entertained their child whilst doing so, woke her DH once (only to get stropped at) and then tried to wake him twice more?

It's still 'her fault'??

Fuck that.

WhichIsItWendy · 25/12/2023 21:15

I'm sorry, but no, sleeping 6 hours of the waking day on Christmas day is not ok in my household. And in real life, I doubt many would find that acceptable.

He was out of order going to bed for a nap after you woke him the first time on the sofa. He knows that, which is why he's moping.

Christmas is for family, ESPECIALLY when you work so many hours you rarely see eachother. It doesn't sound like it was an especially nice day, just a bog standard one in my view, so I'd feel pretty let down too.

edel2 · 25/12/2023 21:17

WhichIsItWendy · 25/12/2023 21:15

I'm sorry, but no, sleeping 6 hours of the waking day on Christmas day is not ok in my household. And in real life, I doubt many would find that acceptable.

He was out of order going to bed for a nap after you woke him the first time on the sofa. He knows that, which is why he's moping.

Christmas is for family, ESPECIALLY when you work so many hours you rarely see eachother. It doesn't sound like it was an especially nice day, just a bog standard one in my view, so I'd feel pretty let down too.

Nor in mine, but the whole point of what nearly every single person has said on here is she could have woken him up properly

Katbum · 25/12/2023 21:17

YABU - my husband also had a nap before dinner. I woke him up when it was cooked! We all enjoyed it as a family. Why would you not wake him up, and then have a massive strip because he didn’t wake of his own accord. Fair enough if he had refused to get up and eat with you, that’s dickish. But having a nap on Christmas Day is quite normal.

Shodan · 25/12/2023 21:17

bakebeans · 25/12/2023 21:14

I'm struggling to understand your concern? Single mothers manage with a 2 year old and cooking dinner. You report he works 16 hour days so u must be able to manage making food and an 2 year old at other times of the year. If it was so concerning. Why didn't u wake him? Another option would b to have food a bit later. It's only one day!

Irrelevant.

Op isn't a single mother. She has a husband who was napping the day away instead of being present.

Original poster
Canonlythinkofthisone · 25/12/2023 21:17

edel2 · 25/12/2023 21:15

@Canonlythinkofthisone OP your responses are thought-through and you come across like a lovely person. It's a shame things didn't go as planned today, but there's lots of fun to be had tomorrow too

Thank you.

Yes it's a fun (?) Filled day of ALL the family tomorrow and no cooking as my parents are hosting. We haven't fallen out over it, we've just opened a box of chocs and put a film on (which I'll definitely fall asleep through ironically.)

OP posts:
SD1978 · 25/12/2023 21:17

I can see both sides. You worked really hard, adm asked him to watch your daughter so you could prepare. And at the same time, by your own admission he works bloody hard and never has a break, and went for a quick couch sleep. When you woke him, he went to bed because he was irritated, and you were irritated. You could have woken him up, but you chose not to. I think you're both a bit wrong, and I really hope neither of you keep using it as a stick to beat the other with and can move on

Zanatdy · 25/12/2023 21:18

At Christmas you should have woken him. You didn’t as you wanted to make a point and now you’ve all missed out.

Prometheus · 25/12/2023 21:18

He’s a twat but you should’ve just woken him up.

Catza · 25/12/2023 21:20

zaazaazoo · 25/12/2023 20:54

Funny that the OP who also works a high pressured full time job was able to still organise everything for Christmas and cook a full meal without falling asleep. Poor mens 🙄

Show quote history

This is not a competition of who can do the most after being tired. I highly doubt the husband was cracking a whip and making OP go through the effort of making "a perfect day". Most people just want to chill on Xmas. Resting is something people should be able to do to remain functioning. There are no medals given out for martyrdom.

cadburyegg · 25/12/2023 21:20

bakebeans · 25/12/2023 21:14

I'm struggling to understand your concern? Single mothers manage with a 2 year old and cooking dinner. You report he works 16 hour days so u must be able to manage making food and an 2 year old at other times of the year. If it was so concerning. Why didn't u wake him? Another option would b to have food a bit later. It's only one day!

I'm a single parent and hate when people trot out this line tbh. OP isn't a single parent so shouldn't have had this situation in the first place.

YANBU OP it sounded like you tried to wake him multiple times. What an idiot he is

ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 25/12/2023 21:22

"You should have woken him!" 🙄
This thread has gone a bit "cancel the cheque" IMO.
He was a twit OP. Your expectations of the day were in no way unclear, unreasonable or extravagant. Your DD deserved better than another bog standard day being juggled by one parent trying to care for her and do everything else.

WhichIsItWendy · 25/12/2023 21:22

edel2 · 25/12/2023 21:17

Nor in mine, but the whole point of what nearly every single person has said on here is she could have woken him up properly

Show quote history

Yes, and as OP has said, she didn't want to. Not is it her responsibility to. She tried a few times and gave up like any normal person would. By that stage she was likely upset and just gave up. Poor show from her husband, I'd be fuming.

Ohhmydays · 25/12/2023 21:23

HowcanIhelp123 · 25/12/2023 20:50

OP did wake him up the first time to watch his child, he stropped and took himself back off to sleep. Why should she be responsible for waking him up and him deciding what is worth getting up for? He should have stayed up after she woke him up the first time.

I agree with this. If he woke up to help with dd then happened to nod off again on the couch, different story. I would have left him to sleep and wake up again once dinner was nearly ready to be dished up but he went in a strop and took himself to bed so he kinda killed the joy at that point.

Meowandthen · 25/12/2023 21:23

Shodan · 25/12/2023 21:15

So it wasn't enough that OP managed to keep herself awake, cooked the dinner, entertained their child whilst doing so, woke her DH once (only to get stropped at) and then tried to wake him twice more?

It's still 'her fault'??

Fuck that.

Only you are using the word “fault”. The rest of us are simply suggesting that if she wanted him awake, she could have woken him. Sounds as if he was very deeply asleep.

The OP has said all is well so no need to start inflating the issue.

Branleuse · 25/12/2023 21:24

You barely cross paths normally because of extreme work patterns and childcare, and you had a serious mental health condition last year. This year he was knackered, but I think you deciding not to wake him and let him sleep through Christmas dinner was passive aggressive, especially since actually you both feel shit now.
I think you need to be careful of your marriage

RoseGoldEagle · 25/12/2023 21:24

If he’s working 12-16 hour days on a regular basis then am not that surprised that on a day off, when he starts to relax a bit, he needs a nap. He presumably was shattered, thought he’d head upstairs for an hour, and then just didn’t wake up. Yes, he could have set an alarm or just downed a coffee to get through- but sometimes you really do just need some sleep- and presumably he assumed he’d wake sooner than that. I think you should have woken him to be honest- you could have done, he’s presumably have been grateful for the few hours he had, and then you could have had a nice meal together.

Snowonthebeachx · 25/12/2023 21:24

He shouldn't have napped but of course you should have woken him up and not let the resentment build throughout the day.

It sounds like you both work hard and need to try and find more time to be together as a family (if at all financially possible).

Honestly with a two year old I wouldn't worry too much about slaving away for the perfect sit down Christmas Dinner though!

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 25/12/2023 21:24

You're viewing his sleeping as a deliberate act. It isn't, he's just really tired. When you work so hard and push through exhaustion all the time, you get used to forcing yourself awake. Then when you get into some kind of safe space, or when your body knows you're on holiday, you suddenly can just pass out and sleep without any warning, because you suddenly and finally can. You shouldn't have blamed your husband and punished him, you should have woken him up.

FuckYouEzekiel · 25/12/2023 21:25

Serves him right. Stoppy twat.

Original poster
Canonlythinkofthisone · 25/12/2023 21:26

ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 25/12/2023 21:22

"You should have woken him!" 🙄
This thread has gone a bit "cancel the cheque" IMO.
He was a twit OP. Your expectations of the day were in no way unclear, unreasonable or extravagant. Your DD deserved better than another bog standard day being juggled by one parent trying to care for her and do everything else.

Thank you. I think this is it, and as a PP said as well. Just another standard day.

It's so rare all 3 of us are home together (before she goes to bed anyway) that I really wanted it to be a bit "special" I guess and feel like as tired as I'm sure he was, he could have made a coffee as opposed to going for a nap. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Luckily one of DDs gifts was a kitchen stool so we had a great time finishing off dinner together. 🤣

OP posts:
pd339 · 25/12/2023 21:26

Proper martyrdom there

ChedderGorgeous · 25/12/2023 21:26

Classic case of cutting off your nose to spite your pigs in blankets

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 25/12/2023 21:27

YABU, you should have woken him up after 3 hours say. It didn't stop you waking him up earlier did it? He's used to you mithering him.

MrsSparkington · 25/12/2023 21:27

YABU to use the word 'mooching'