Sick friend and boxing day plans . Who is being unreasonable?

[Crayolaslug]

Name change but long term poster.

Who is being unreasonable about this Christmas day argument please.

Me and DH have had a Christmas day argument that we've tried to put behind us but tbh after a heated spat and some crying in the middle of the day has created an atmosphere and I feel Christmas has been pretty ruined.
I can't tell if my POV was unreasonable or his was.
We both strongly disagree and have had to just agree to disagree and not talk about it, with both of us not understanding each others point of view or priorities.

For context we always do Christmas eve with my DHs family which we did yesterday. Boxing day with mine. Last year we had to cancel to my Grandad last minute. He is getting old and not in great health and I fear we don't have many Christmas' left with him. He will be hurt if we cancel last minute again.

Yesterday we heard the news that a long standing friend (more my partner's friend of 20 plus years but also my friend for about 16) had been rushed to hospital. This is a good but not very close friend to either of us anymore but someone we both care about alot none the less. He is an important person to us. We were told he was unresponsive and feared to have had a stroke. We have been very very worried.

We got a call from another friend today to let us know that he was awake, he's had a serious medical emergency that I won't disclose as its not my medical information and this thread could be outing but he isn't going to die, hospital are investigating why this has happened and looking at sending him home.

Friend was visiting family the other side of the country.

DH offers to go fetch him when he is discharged and bring him back home. This will take a day with all the driving. Obviously this is completely fine with me. Of course he should help. .

The argument happened because he then tells me he might be doing this tomorrow Boxing Day. I say "umm no not boxing day it's my family Christmas" I wouldn't be able to go as I can't drive and we would have to late cancel my Grandad yet again. I explained this. I said it was important to me. I said he could go the next day.

He said I have funny priorities. That my reaction was weird and not ok. Got very annoyed with me. I got upset. Argument happened.

Now if this was still a life and death situation with friend I would have said yes go. If friend had been likely to die I would have told him to set off in the middle of our Christmas dinner if needs be. But to me if hospital are looking at discharging, then this is no longer an immediate emergency / not really even an emergency anymore and he is not at risk of dying and so I think it's great to help friend but it can wait until 27th.

His opinion - That I have my priorities all wrong. That friend needing help as he is in hospital top trumps family Christmas because we could just go another time and friend has been sick in hospital and so is far more important then Christmas or seeing family. He implied strongly that he thought I was selfish and that I only think of myself.

My opinion - That this is no longer an emergency. It would be unreasonable to late cancel my Grandad again. That my family Christmas is important to me and it is as important as his family Christmas (that we never have had to late cancel or miss because he would never allow it). Yes help friend but not at the expense of my family Christmas. Helping him can wait until the next day (which still would have messed up our family time plans but still fair enough friend needs help). I don't think it's selfish to think that my elderly Grandad not being let down again is more of a priority then a non emergency with a long standing but not close friend, this isn't his bestie. I feel upset he can't see this and that he has questioned my ethics and thinks I am selfish.

So am I being unreasonable and I am in fact selfish for thinking that it's not ok to cancel my family boxing day so he can drive across the country to help friend or am I being reasonable to have said hold on no not boxing day you could go in the 27th

Whose priorities are off here?

As it turns out friend isn't in danger of dying but hospital are keeping him for a few days so partner isn't driving there anyway but this argument has definitely soured our Christmas day and I am just really sad about that.

Is it me that's being a dick about this? I honestly don't know and would like some opinions as I don't know what to say. I just feel sad about the ruined Christmas day.

You are not being unreasonable at all. But what will you do if he simply refuses to drive you there? Can you get there any other way?

the compromise could be he drops you off and then goes and does the run for his friend and come and fetch you afterwards.

So in short, your (distant) friend is in hospital, it's not life-threatening, your DH wants to wriggle out of Christmas celebrations with your family (and it's not the first time this has happened) at the last minute to get distant friend from hospital, and he is acting like you're the bad guy for saying no?

OP YANBU, your DH hasn't considered it might be your granddad's last Christmas on this Earth while he's so busy trying to guilt trip you into being a sidekick while he buggers off on a hero complex self-gratifying adventure for someone you used to know.

If this is a recurring pattern (sounds like it), I'd give yourself a divorce for Christmas, it sounds like he sees you as a pet to follow him around while he does whatever he wants at the expense of your happiness and wellbeing.

If you could drive would this be an issue? Basically is he only needed as your chauffeur?

If he refused to drive then I wouldn't be able to go and that's just how it is. It's too far to get to on boxing day as it's hard to get to on public transport a normal day. If he can't drive us there and back then we wouldn't be able to go. Helping friend would take all day as he's the other side of the country.

If I could drive I would have just said ok well it's sad your not coming with us but I'll go with out you. But that's not the case.

As it is friend isn't being discharged so he's not doing the drive and is doing the family boxing day visit so we are going to my families.

I just feel like the argument has soured Christmas day and I guess wondering if it was in fact me that had poor priorities here and was being unreasonable in the first place about it all.

Thanks for your reply.

I do think YABU. I would think a friend in hospital needing to go home is more important. Surely you could do your family Christmas the following day instead, once you’ve made sure your friend is home and ok?

Has he 'cancelled your family boxing day' or can't you do it if he isn't there to drive you about?

If your friend had been discharged tomorrow then what would he have done if your DH wasn’t going to pick him up until the following day?

If you can find a way to get to your family under your own steam then I think yrbu. If a friend needed help I would not be in the least bit upset if DH couldn’t come with me to see my family at Christmas- as long as this didn’t affect me going alone to see them.

I would have been sad he wasn't coming to my family Christmas. I would like DH to be there because it's Christmas. I don't just see him as my chauffeur. That said as driving to help his friend was important to him and I could have drove myself to family Christmas and so wouldn't be letting my Grandad down for the second year running in anyway I would have sucked up my sad feeling about it and just let him get on with helping this friend and not put a dampner on Christmas by saying I felt sad.

Unfortunately it's just impossible to get to my Granddad's any other way with out him driving due him living in the sticks it's hard to get to on public transport not in a public holiday.

So does no-one else in your family drive and your dh has to drive everyone about? That must get wearing!

He shouldn't keep chucking your family to the side. He doesn't see you as the priority at all, and doesn't seem to understand that not turning up when he said he would is quite rude. People paid for food and drinks for him. He should be gracious and polite and stop making you and your family feel like you're bottom of his list of things to do.

Whether or not you "only needed him to drive" is a red herring because actually as a married couple it's not unreasonable to want to spend Christmas celebrations with your spouse and for them to actually want to take an interest in your family.

It is completely impossible to get to my Grandads any other way unfortunately. Its hard to get to on public transport on a usual work day (takes several hours of countryside buses that don't run often, none of which are running boxing day). I did check taxi fairs but it's looking to be a £65 taxi then and the same back. Just don't have that kind of money right now without prebudgeting unfortunately.

If I had any other way of going I really wouldn't have said anything and would have just let him get on with helping friend.

I don't think yabu but was he thinking DFriend will be spending a night in a hotel after being discharged from hospital as hell have no where to go?

Why can't you drive? I think all the "oh it's faaaammily, he should do what you tell him' is bollocks, why should the driver be stone cold sober ferrying op and her family about?

It sounds like apart from you needing him as a lift, he doesn't need to be there for your family day and could help his friend.

Having been the only driver in the relationship (thankfully my partner learned and is now a driver too) and it the expectation of lifts/ inflexibility of the plans/ single source of responsibility can and did cause resentment.

Can you not find your own way there and let him help out a friend? It sounds like you have been together a long time, one Christmas he missed for you would not make a big deal- how often do long term friends really call on us?

But friend is in hospital has family in the same area that he is in hospital who he was visiting prior to needing emergency admittance. So friend is not at all stranded in hospital. He would probably prefer to be home but would be with family until the next day when DH could go get him.

I can't really just have family Christmas the following day because that would be expecting my whole family to just cancel their boxing day plans and just have it the next day. That obviously wouldn't happen and so realistically I would just be late cancelling on my Grandad at the last minute for the second year in a row. I could go and see him a different day yes.

I feel like if friend was at risk of dying still or was actually completely stranded and had nowhere to go then that would be fine but considering that's not the case surely friend can stay with his family until the 27th when DH can drive across the country to go fetch him?

You are both right because different people have different priorities (as can be seen by the replies).
How to move on?

I can't imagine living somewhere with poor public transport if I couldn't drive, it must limit what you can do separately and be quite frustrating for him. But it sounds like he was offering to help the friend rather than being the only option, so I don't think you were unreasonable on that

If this was the other way round there would be cries of he needs to learn to drive. Could none of the family pick you up? It does sound like he’s needed to drive more than anything.

I did think this. There may be good reasons why OP can't drive though.

It's physically impossible to get to my Grandads without him driving unfortunately. There's no way for me get there on a public holiday without driving. It's hard to get to even on a work day. Grandad lives in the sticks. Takes 4 countryside buses that come infrequently to get there and several hours on a regular week day.

But if I could drive or get there another way this wouldn't have come up as although I would have been sad he wasn't coming I would have just gone without him and not said "hold on not boxing day"

It's also not the first Christmas he's let me down. We canceled last Christmas last notice because of a problem that came up for him. So it would be the second year in a row.

I can drive but unfortunately failed my test and so haven't yet passed unfortunately

Why does it have to be your husband who drives a long way to the hospital to pick up the friend and take him home? If he was visiting family when he was taken ill, can't a family member collect him from the hospital.

Does the friend even want your DH swooping in to like a knight in shining armour? If you were abroad or DH was working he’d make other plans. Doesn’t even sound like he’s asked for a lift or I’ve missed it.

He wants to bail on your family having enjoyed Christmas with his and is using this self imposed rescue mission as a way to beat you with his “ethics”. In doing so he’s ruined your day.

Sounds like a selfish prick to me.

I think yabu to just expect the hospital to keep him an extra day because it's convenient to you and your plans. The hospital will discharge when ready, if necessary friend would have to source an alternative lift. I do think though it sounds like DH is being unreasonable in making the offer if there are other transport options.

Also if you can, learn to drive. Don't make yourself beholden to anyone else.

I can't drive because I haven't passed my test. I failed my test. I have been learning so he isn't the only driver but unfortunately at the moment I can not legally drive me and the children there safely.

Unfortunately no noone would actually drive out to come pick me up to go to Grandads as I live an hour in the opposite direction for everyone and my family are not particularly helpful like that but that's another story really. It's my Grandad however who I care about who probably doesn't have many Christmas' left who I don't want to let down, and unfortunately there's no other way to get to Grandads. It's he drives or we have to cancel.

if I could there any other way this argument would never have happened and therefore this post would never have been made as I would just have gone me and the kids and left him to it.