Sick friend and boxing day plans . Who is being unreasonable?

[Crayolaslug]

Name change but long term poster.

Who is being unreasonable about this Christmas day argument please.

Me and DH have had a Christmas day argument that we've tried to put behind us but tbh after a heated spat and some crying in the middle of the day has created an atmosphere and I feel Christmas has been pretty ruined.
I can't tell if my POV was unreasonable or his was.
We both strongly disagree and have had to just agree to disagree and not talk about it, with both of us not understanding each others point of view or priorities.

For context we always do Christmas eve with my DHs family which we did yesterday. Boxing day with mine. Last year we had to cancel to my Grandad last minute. He is getting old and not in great health and I fear we don't have many Christmas' left with him. He will be hurt if we cancel last minute again.

Yesterday we heard the news that a long standing friend (more my partner's friend of 20 plus years but also my friend for about 16) had been rushed to hospital. This is a good but not very close friend to either of us anymore but someone we both care about alot none the less. He is an important person to us. We were told he was unresponsive and feared to have had a stroke. We have been very very worried.

We got a call from another friend today to let us know that he was awake, he's had a serious medical emergency that I won't disclose as its not my medical information and this thread could be outing but he isn't going to die, hospital are investigating why this has happened and looking at sending him home.

Friend was visiting family the other side of the country.

DH offers to go fetch him when he is discharged and bring him back home. This will take a day with all the driving. Obviously this is completely fine with me. Of course he should help. .

The argument happened because he then tells me he might be doing this tomorrow Boxing Day. I say "umm no not boxing day it's my family Christmas" I wouldn't be able to go as I can't drive and we would have to late cancel my Grandad yet again. I explained this. I said it was important to me. I said he could go the next day.

He said I have funny priorities. That my reaction was weird and not ok. Got very annoyed with me. I got upset. Argument happened.

Now if this was still a life and death situation with friend I would have said yes go. If friend had been likely to die I would have told him to set off in the middle of our Christmas dinner if needs be. But to me if hospital are looking at discharging, then this is no longer an immediate emergency / not really even an emergency anymore and he is not at risk of dying and so I think it's great to help friend but it can wait until 27th.

His opinion - That I have my priorities all wrong. That friend needing help as he is in hospital top trumps family Christmas because we could just go another time and friend has been sick in hospital and so is far more important then Christmas or seeing family. He implied strongly that he thought I was selfish and that I only think of myself.

My opinion - That this is no longer an emergency. It would be unreasonable to late cancel my Grandad again. That my family Christmas is important to me and it is as important as his family Christmas (that we never have had to late cancel or miss because he would never allow it). Yes help friend but not at the expense of my family Christmas. Helping him can wait until the next day (which still would have messed up our family time plans but still fair enough friend needs help). I don't think it's selfish to think that my elderly Grandad not being let down again is more of a priority then a non emergency with a long standing but not close friend, this isn't his bestie. I feel upset he can't see this and that he has questioned my ethics and thinks I am selfish.

So am I being unreasonable and I am in fact selfish for thinking that it's not ok to cancel my family boxing day so he can drive across the country to help friend or am I being reasonable to have said hold on no not boxing day you could go in the 27th

Whose priorities are off here?

As it turns out friend isn't in danger of dying but hospital are keeping him for a few days so partner isn't driving there anyway but this argument has definitely soured our Christmas day and I am just really sad about that.

Is it me that's being a dick about this? I honestly don't know and would like some opinions as I don't know what to say. I just feel sad about the ruined Christmas day.

Edited after seeing OP’s recent posts.

I understand helping a friend but something seems off about this situation. Your friend will be with family so wouldn’t they just drive him home anyway?

If you two aren’t that close to this important friend, why is your DH making a big thing about going to help him to the point of anger and name/calling?

If he wouldn’t do this if it was his family, why is he looking to do it with yours? What is the relationship like with your family?

Maybe this isn't clear in my post.

The hospital do not need to keep our friend another day. Friend is the other side of the country. He was visiting family when this emergency happened. He can be discharged back to family and would have someone safe to stay where he is cared for and loved for however long he needs. He isn't going to be discharged and just stranded or having to stay in hospital or anything like that. My DH and his friends just would like to help him come home.

I'd have just said to drop me at Grandads first, taken an overnight bag, and slept on Grandads sofa if needs be. I wouldn't have told DH being with my grandad was more important that taking a friend home from hospital.

But then, my DH would have worked with me to find a solution that worked for us both, as per above.

I can't legally drive yet. Have had lessons. Haven't passed my test yet.
But no he doesn't have to constantly drive everyone around. I have legs and a bus pass. However this is boxing day and the place we are going is in the sticks and hard to get to on a work day public transport and is impossible to get to on boxing day without DH driving unfortunately

This seems like it could have been a sensible solution yes, be it one I didn't really think of at the time due to the argument kicking off as soon as I had said "no not boxing day can't you go fetch him on the day after".

Thanks for the suggestion

Mumsnet, the only place in the world where people think you’re subhuman if you can’t drive, and also where they assume that if both partners can drive, they must automatically be able to afford to run two cars.

It depends on what the medical emergency is I suppose. Does he live on his own? Why is your husband and his friends wanting to get him home far away from his family? It all sounds very strange.

your unreasonable for not driving and he unreasonable for cancelling your family Xmas plans and being alone on boxing day.

You need to learn to drive and keep trying!

it took me 6 attempts!

I'm so grateful I don't have to be at the mercy of public transport, friends or family!

OP if this is the second time he’s wiggled out of Christmas with your family then I’d be furious. It 100% sounds like he doesn’t want to do Christmas with your family. Maybe you need to have this conversation with him moving forward because once is understandable but twice is very suspicious. At least if you knew he didn’t want to do family Christmas at all you could make alternative arrangements in advance.

I think YABU mainly because you’ve said yourself he’s only really needed as your lift there, and that’s a bit shit. It’s not impossible to get there otherwise, it’s more expensive, but not impossible. Is there not a compromise possible? Can DH drop you off there first early on and then you can taxi back? Or the other way round, taxi there and then stay until DH can come collect you?

If not, then I’d say he goes to get friend and see family the following day. It sounds like this is a big family affair, not just your grandad, so you cancelling doesn’t cancel the whole day it just means you guys won’t be there which isn’t ideal but you can just go visit the following day instead?

if he had noone he cold tell the hospital theres noone to escort him home-hpsital dishcarge is so long winded my sisters partner was told he was being discharged was delayed for nearly a day as not enbough doctors on shift

Friend gets discharged tomorrow to his local family and your DH goes to your family Boxing Day celebrations. He then collects his friend and brings him home on the 27th.

The not driving thing is a bit irrelevant anyway. Even if you did drive, if you only have one car then the argument would be about who has priority and gets the car.
FWIW I think you were right to stick to your original plan. If the friend was stranded in a hospital nowhere near home or family then that would be completely different.

You said there was a taxi

DHs friend has a loving family to go to who he was visiting before the emergency.

If friend legitimately had absolutely no where to go and needed my DH to get him then we wouldn't have the conversation I would have just said ok.

Wishing I had made that clear in my original post now. Over looked that detail in my post it seems and now everyone thinks friend can't be discharged or has nowhere to go.

Not really the point but it could be somewhat unwise to grow old 'in the sticks'. How does he plan to cope as he becomes frailer? What's his financial situation? Could he halve you at a taxi?

Right. OP’s thread is going to be mainly focused on her not being able to drive despite mentioning she failed her test (which happens to many) and that she usually gets around with the feet she was given and a bus pass (again something many do without supposedly upsetting their spouses who knew of this before they became exclusive) instead of this friend who will be with their FAMILY that they were visiting to begin with.

Which she said they couldn’t afford.

Sounds a bit like the issue is there is only 1 car or 1 driver otherwise you could both do your own thing? Both events seem quite important

I could book a taxi. I would have to book a family car to fit all 3 children's car seats in and then taxi to my Grandads. That would be about a £50 taxi there and a £50 taxi back on a regular day so I imagine more each way on boxing day unfortunately

Unfortunately I just don't have that money to just spend like that without pre budgeting so unfortunately a taxi isn't a viable option to get to my Grandads at this time.

I agree with this.
Unfortunately I have been having lessons but have not passed my test yet so unfortunately there is currently only one legal driver and one car.

Get him to drop you off, then stay overnight, and get public transport back if it is running a normal timetable on 27th, get a taxi, which would be half of the price of a return trip, or your DH comes and gets you on 27th.

Your DH is being unreasonable and trying to wiggle out of the family party. I’d be pretty cross.
this friend can be discharged to family as you say and then your DH can drive to him on the 27th to collect him.
mots important not to let your grandad down again especially if he’s frail. I think your DH is in the wrong

OP - Why does your husband want to take his friend all the way home and not back to his family that friend was visiting. Where does the friend want to go?

You’re absolutely right, it’s not the point at all and is not helpful to the thread