Sick friend and boxing day plans . Who is being unreasonable?

[Crayolaslug]

Name change but long term poster.

Who is being unreasonable about this Christmas day argument please.

Me and DH have had a Christmas day argument that we've tried to put behind us but tbh after a heated spat and some crying in the middle of the day has created an atmosphere and I feel Christmas has been pretty ruined.
I can't tell if my POV was unreasonable or his was.
We both strongly disagree and have had to just agree to disagree and not talk about it, with both of us not understanding each others point of view or priorities.

For context we always do Christmas eve with my DHs family which we did yesterday. Boxing day with mine. Last year we had to cancel to my Grandad last minute. He is getting old and not in great health and I fear we don't have many Christmas' left with him. He will be hurt if we cancel last minute again.

Yesterday we heard the news that a long standing friend (more my partner's friend of 20 plus years but also my friend for about 16) had been rushed to hospital. This is a good but not very close friend to either of us anymore but someone we both care about alot none the less. He is an important person to us. We were told he was unresponsive and feared to have had a stroke. We have been very very worried.

We got a call from another friend today to let us know that he was awake, he's had a serious medical emergency that I won't disclose as its not my medical information and this thread could be outing but he isn't going to die, hospital are investigating why this has happened and looking at sending him home.

Friend was visiting family the other side of the country.

DH offers to go fetch him when he is discharged and bring him back home. This will take a day with all the driving. Obviously this is completely fine with me. Of course he should help. .

The argument happened because he then tells me he might be doing this tomorrow Boxing Day. I say "umm no not boxing day it's my family Christmas" I wouldn't be able to go as I can't drive and we would have to late cancel my Grandad yet again. I explained this. I said it was important to me. I said he could go the next day.

He said I have funny priorities. That my reaction was weird and not ok. Got very annoyed with me. I got upset. Argument happened.

Now if this was still a life and death situation with friend I would have said yes go. If friend had been likely to die I would have told him to set off in the middle of our Christmas dinner if needs be. But to me if hospital are looking at discharging, then this is no longer an immediate emergency / not really even an emergency anymore and he is not at risk of dying and so I think it's great to help friend but it can wait until 27th.

His opinion - That I have my priorities all wrong. That friend needing help as he is in hospital top trumps family Christmas because we could just go another time and friend has been sick in hospital and so is far more important then Christmas or seeing family. He implied strongly that he thought I was selfish and that I only think of myself.

My opinion - That this is no longer an emergency. It would be unreasonable to late cancel my Grandad again. That my family Christmas is important to me and it is as important as his family Christmas (that we never have had to late cancel or miss because he would never allow it). Yes help friend but not at the expense of my family Christmas. Helping him can wait until the next day (which still would have messed up our family time plans but still fair enough friend needs help). I don't think it's selfish to think that my elderly Grandad not being let down again is more of a priority then a non emergency with a long standing but not close friend, this isn't his bestie. I feel upset he can't see this and that he has questioned my ethics and thinks I am selfish.

So am I being unreasonable and I am in fact selfish for thinking that it's not ok to cancel my family boxing day so he can drive across the country to help friend or am I being reasonable to have said hold on no not boxing day you could go in the 27th

Whose priorities are off here?

As it turns out friend isn't in danger of dying but hospital are keeping him for a few days so partner isn't driving there anyway but this argument has definitely soured our Christmas day and I am just really sad about that.

Is it me that's being a dick about this? I honestly don't know and would like some opinions as I don't know what to say. I just feel sad about the ruined Christmas day.

Was there no one willing to drive you to your family Christmas, from your family's side? Can see both sides to be honest

You are welcome OP.

I speak from experience of emotionally charged arguments with DH. 😂 Both of you must be emotional now and rightly so and it’s hard to fully see the others POV in such situations.

You were right to both leave it for a bit to cool. Even if he’s not super happy when you tell him “I’m going to see Grandad I am happy for you too see our friend” - think in a year two years time, he’s not going to hold it against you for you seeing you Grandad on what might be his last Christmas is he? And the same for you with him and your friend.

so sorry about your friend and hope you have a lovely Christmas with your Grandad x

You don't get to choose when you're discharged.
If DH was only person who could do this....I assume from him driving a full day to do it? Then it needs to be done when the hospital say.

And you don't have to cancel xmas or your grandad you can still have him there.

Family is important but lots of people make bigger sacrifices for less. Two of my family worked today, last year my sisters kids were at their dad's. Not the end of the world.

YABU it's not his fault you can't drive yourself there.

Even if he’s not super happy when you tell him “I’m going to see Grandad I am happy for you too see our friend
But she depends on him to transport her. She can't go see Grandad without him taking her.

I have had lessons but failed my test so still in the learning to drive phase of learning. This was also all delayed due to having had a seizure so I had to put my lessons on hold for 12 months.

If the situation was an emergency or he was too sick to drive then we would have just had to cancel.

My Grandad lives too far away for a usual taxi. If my DH was sick and I had to get a kid to the hospital or something it would be a £20 taxi. My grandad lives a £100 round trip in a taxi away on a normal working day, so unfortunately that's just not doable for me just on a whim. The difference in opinion / argument as come about because I don't think helping his friend who can be discharged to family is an emergency or a "can't be helped situation" enough to warrent having to let my Grandad down again. It would be different to me if friend was in desperate need, it looked like he was not going to make it, or something like DH woke up in the morning and was legitimately too sick or something. Then I would have understood. If that makes sense

Friend can be discharged to the family he was visiting when emergency happened. He wouldn't be discharged to nowhere. He's visiting a family who love him and care about him and he can stay with family. I would have felt differently if friend was actually stranded or stuck. :)

It's also not the first Christmas he's let me down. We canceled last Christmas last notice because of a problem that came up for him. So it would be the second year in a row.
what was last years problem? Is this a theme for your dh- that his wants and his family are much more important than yours? It makes a big difference if it is! And if so, you need to plan for if your granddad is unwell, and that you will need to get yourself there whether or not your dh is on board. If pt isn’t around you will just need to spend the taxi fare, and work out later how to get back. Don’t let him stop you seeing your grandpa before it’s too late.

Sounds fair enough to me that DH drives you over to your Grandad's before he heads off to transport the family friend, then you get a taxi home so the cost is lower. It gets pretty wearing being the only person doing the driving.

Ultimately its coming down to you can't drive so you're saying to your dh, 'don't do what you want, do what I want'?

Thanks for all the replies.

It's a mixed bag of replies so I'll think through what people have said.

Probably not going to keep replying as it's Christmas and I feel like I am mostly just repeating my self over over explaining why I can't drive, why I don't have taxi money, that my Grandads is hard to get to and that our friend would be discharged to his family and have somewhere safe to stay opposed to being stranded or unable to be discharged.

But I do appreciate the replies and mixed perspectives thank you. :)

Can he not just drop you off on the way and pick you up on the way home?

I agree with you 100% OP!

why does it HAVE to be your DH going to collect if this isn’t even a close friend and he has family he is close with that can bring him home? Smacks of your husband inserting himself into the situation or using it as an excuse. He already has plans. Your grandad is important. He isn’t the friends only option but he is yours.

People have given compromises like he drops you off, you stay overnight and he either picks you up on 27th or you get home via public transport but you haven't replied. Or you could go to your grandad's on the 27th instead unless you're both back at work?

Friend hasn't actually directly asked for help. DH offered.

Also what I didn't realise at the time the argument unfolded is that DH and his group of friends hadn't even actually spoken to friend in hospital about it all this they had just decided by talking between them all that this was the plan of action and DH would drive on boxing day to go get sick friend so sick friend could come home his own home. Their plan was to take another friend with them who would then drive sick friends van home.
When someone had actually spoke to sick friend it turned out sick friend wouldn't be discharged for a few days anyway due to hospital wanting to observe him. (as the emergency that has now passed was serious and they are not sure what caused what happened, friend whoever is awake and functioning and not in danger of dying now, no longer in ICU and on a normal ward etc) 😕

And yes that was my stance. That this wasn't an emergency that couldn't wait until the 27th. If it had been an emergency. If there was a chance friend wouldn't make it. Or he was going to be fully stranded or anything like that I would have never have objected.

I don't think he ever particularly wants to visit my family at Xmas or any time. But tbh I don't really want to visit his but I always do as it's important to him. Also tbh I don't get the impression that if this had been on Xmas eve we would have been potentially cancelling his family Xmas plans.

I have replied to all those comments quite a few times saying that those could be good compromises but we never got to that stage because it turned out friend isn't being discharged yet so DH isn't going and we're just going to be Grandads. I made the post to see who if anyone was being unreasonable with their perspective on the situation. Not looking for solutions as that has been resolved. I think I even said that friend want being discharged now in the OP :)

I stopped replying to repeat replies addressing this and a few other points as I'm just repeating myself over and over and people can read the updates at the end of the day :)

Oh it has finally clicked for me why you've been saying he didn't need to go immediately to collect friend when discharged. You mean your DH plans to bring friend back to where he/you live NOT to where the family he's visiting are. So he could have gone back to family, stayed with them however long, then DH could have brought him back home. I don't know if your posts were unclear, I'm dim, or a bit of both,but I finally got there. I'm which case I'd say yanbu.

Your husband is being an idiot, your old friend can have their family deal with them. You should still have Boxing Day with your family tomorrow.

Could you get dropped off in the morning by him before he heads to friends ? Possible to stay at grandads overnight and then DH can pick you up on 27th if needed - might be nice to spend that time with him and let DH do is thing

Yes. DHs plan was to drive hours across to the other side of the country to collect friend from his families to bring him back to where friend lives in a city an hour away from us in the opposite direction then drive home so an all day trip. Hospital would have discharged friend to his families where he was visiting when this emergency happened. Friend would have been completely fine until the 27th. DH and his group of friends just thought it would be nice to try and get sick friend home as sick friend would prefer (or assumed to prefer as it turned out) to come home then stay with family.

My post might have been unintentionally unclear as several people seemed to misunderstand the same point so don't worry

YANBU. You only cancel family Xmas for a dire emergency. If it was his own mother or sibling then fair enough. But it’s a friend, and not even a close one. The friend could quite easily be discharged to his own family and DH could do him the favour of collecting him another day. TBH if he isn’t a close friend then I’d say an entire day is too much to invest anyway - he has his own family, let them sort him out!