Sick friend and boxing day plans . Who is being unreasonable?

[Crayolaslug]

Name change but long term poster.

Who is being unreasonable about this Christmas day argument please.

Me and DH have had a Christmas day argument that we've tried to put behind us but tbh after a heated spat and some crying in the middle of the day has created an atmosphere and I feel Christmas has been pretty ruined.
I can't tell if my POV was unreasonable or his was.
We both strongly disagree and have had to just agree to disagree and not talk about it, with both of us not understanding each others point of view or priorities.

For context we always do Christmas eve with my DHs family which we did yesterday. Boxing day with mine. Last year we had to cancel to my Grandad last minute. He is getting old and not in great health and I fear we don't have many Christmas' left with him. He will be hurt if we cancel last minute again.

Yesterday we heard the news that a long standing friend (more my partner's friend of 20 plus years but also my friend for about 16) had been rushed to hospital. This is a good but not very close friend to either of us anymore but someone we both care about alot none the less. He is an important person to us. We were told he was unresponsive and feared to have had a stroke. We have been very very worried.

We got a call from another friend today to let us know that he was awake, he's had a serious medical emergency that I won't disclose as its not my medical information and this thread could be outing but he isn't going to die, hospital are investigating why this has happened and looking at sending him home.

Friend was visiting family the other side of the country.

DH offers to go fetch him when he is discharged and bring him back home. This will take a day with all the driving. Obviously this is completely fine with me. Of course he should help. .

The argument happened because he then tells me he might be doing this tomorrow Boxing Day. I say "umm no not boxing day it's my family Christmas" I wouldn't be able to go as I can't drive and we would have to late cancel my Grandad yet again. I explained this. I said it was important to me. I said he could go the next day.

He said I have funny priorities. That my reaction was weird and not ok. Got very annoyed with me. I got upset. Argument happened.

Now if this was still a life and death situation with friend I would have said yes go. If friend had been likely to die I would have told him to set off in the middle of our Christmas dinner if needs be. But to me if hospital are looking at discharging, then this is no longer an immediate emergency / not really even an emergency anymore and he is not at risk of dying and so I think it's great to help friend but it can wait until 27th.

His opinion - That I have my priorities all wrong. That friend needing help as he is in hospital top trumps family Christmas because we could just go another time and friend has been sick in hospital and so is far more important then Christmas or seeing family. He implied strongly that he thought I was selfish and that I only think of myself.

My opinion - That this is no longer an emergency. It would be unreasonable to late cancel my Grandad again. That my family Christmas is important to me and it is as important as his family Christmas (that we never have had to late cancel or miss because he would never allow it). Yes help friend but not at the expense of my family Christmas. Helping him can wait until the next day (which still would have messed up our family time plans but still fair enough friend needs help). I don't think it's selfish to think that my elderly Grandad not being let down again is more of a priority then a non emergency with a long standing but not close friend, this isn't his bestie. I feel upset he can't see this and that he has questioned my ethics and thinks I am selfish.

So am I being unreasonable and I am in fact selfish for thinking that it's not ok to cancel my family boxing day so he can drive across the country to help friend or am I being reasonable to have said hold on no not boxing day you could go in the 27th

Whose priorities are off here?

As it turns out friend isn't in danger of dying but hospital are keeping him for a few days so partner isn't driving there anyway but this argument has definitely soured our Christmas day and I am just really sad about that.

Is it me that's being a dick about this? I honestly don't know and would like some opinions as I don't know what to say. I just feel sad about the ruined Christmas day.

Whilst this is a valid point. He does live near my aunt who helps him and I don't think making my Grandad move house is a quick solution to this particular boxing day disagreement 😅

I don’t think he needs to rush there to help if not even a really close friend - sounds like this guys got other people to help him too. But not driving is massively inconvenient and times like this show why

Well yes, but that's still a significant heavy load on your dp.
'Do what me and my family want on boxing day or you'll RUIN it for everyone, despite no one else offering to help out that could"
'?

Realistically the options are:

A) DH takes you one way and then taxi the other, whichever works better for everyone there/back

B) Pack overnight bags, see if DH will do the driving but across more days, sleep on sofa once there

C) Taxi and stay overnight so public transport back as usual 27th

Speak to DH and try and come to a middle ground compromise if possible

There may have been compromises yes.
However we never got to the stage of trying to work out a compromise because he got defensive. I got upset at his reaction and then before long we found out friend isn't actually being discharged for a few days anyway so the argument is now a none issue and we are just going to my Grandads.

However there has been an atmosphere. He clearly thinks I'm selfish. So I was trying to work out if I was being unreasonable or he was or neither as if it's me I would apologise

It sounds like he got defensive because you said “no you can’t do that” point blank though? I’d have gotten defensive as well if DH just point blank told me I couldn’t do something?

If it was me I would apologise for that yes, because putting my DH & I into that situation if DH just immediately shut it down like you did of course that’s quite selfish. Especially if the only reason DH wanted/needed me was to be his taxi there and back.

Hoe can it be a 'compromise' you can't do the journey without him?
How selfish 'the argument is a non.issue you're driving me, tough luck'?

I don't think you're being unreasonable here OP. You have said that sick friend has family close by as he was visiting them. I would expect someone from his family to bring him home rather than rely on a friend - I know someone has already asked this question. I wouldn't want to rely on a friend to leave their own family on Boxing Day to pick me up, even if it was from hospital.

Thanks. I will think on this point and apologise for that.

Not sure anyone is implying it's subhuman to not drive, just that if you are asking the regular favour of a lift, and the lift-givers plans need to change last-minute, that they are not treated like a pariah.

I didn't actually say "you are driving me tough luck"

I said "but it's my family Christmas on boxing day and this is important to me" which was an initial reaction with the added context of having to late cancel last year or something along those lines. I would have been open to trying to find a compromise like some of those suggested in this thread but unfortunately he got defensive. I got upset because he snapped at me on Christmas day.Then we found out friend want even being discharged anyway so the whole thing became a none point anyway. Its just create an atmosphere sadly.

He is being unreasonable but let it be a lesson to never be dependent on a man and to learn to drive yourself.

Surely he could drop off you and the kids first thing and either you stay over or someone else in the family bring you back if it’s so important to them all that you’re there?

How long has he been the only driver?

In that case there’s absolutely no reason for him to rush off on Boxing Day. It’s probably better that the friend stays with friends/family nearby for the first night anyway, then do a longer journey on Wednesday.

Neither of you ABU.

OP go and see your Grandad. My grandma died last week you don’t know when your last day with them will be.

TELL your DH you are seeing your grandad but don’t get into saying his view is wrong because it isn’t.

Find a way. Relative drive you/ taxi there, you stay over until your DH is back, then DH pick you up. Or as other poster said come back on public transport once bank holidays are over.

Now it seems like a big fight but once you’ve calmed down you’ll see no one is wrong. Both your feelings are valid but I can see you being triggered due to him cancelling last year.

The lift-giver is a father of three meant to be going with his wife and children to his in-laws. Even if she did drive, they only have one car so they would still be in the same predicament.

PS I would deffo recommend learning to drive and having your own car!

I’d prioritise your grandad if I was you. Best of luck x

I might be missing the point here but why would your DH spend an entire day driving across the country to collect your not close friend rather than not close friend making his way back in the same way he got there (eg train)?

5 years since he passed his test. Not for choice. I had severe driving anxiety but pushed through and had lessons but it's taken me a long time to learn and then I failed my test so still can't legally drive. He isn't expected to drive me everywhere. In normal circumstances I get myself about on public transport but unfortunately in this particular situation I can't do that due to the distance, location and it being boxing day.

Can't he drop you off before he goes to the friend? Might be a bit harder getting home though.

Could you see your grandad the next day? I know everyone else wouldn't be there but youl still be making the effort.

Not close friend is unable to drive himself for a while due to the situation that has put him in hospital and so probably isn't well enough to get the train, I don't mind DH taking a day to fetch him at all. But it didn't seem like an emergency needs to be boxing day situation considering friend is with family

Thank you for the thoughtful and helpful reply.

Didn’t read whole threads so sorry if this is answered but why on Earth does your husband have to get involved if this friend is already WITH family? Literally close enough to go stay with them for Christmas but needs your husband, his vague friend who he used to be close to, coming to get him like the white knight?

both of you are unreasonable. He because he’s playing the hero and being rude to his wife.

And you because unless you have a medical reason you should be able to drive and not rely on your husband. And if you do have a legit reason to not drive you should have a cash reserve to get cabs in such situations. What if he had a migraine and couldn’t drive or something? What if you need to get to hospital when he’s away? So he should be able to do what he wants without you relying on him.

BUT it is your family set up. He had agreed to the chauffeur but. And generally he’s only doing this to be a martyr/hero so overall I vote HE is being the most unreasonable.