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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick friend and boxing day plans . Who is being unreasonable?

187 replies

Crayolaslug · 25/12/2023 20:21

Name change but long term poster.

Who is being unreasonable about this Christmas day argument please.

Me and DH have had a Christmas day argument that we've tried to put behind us but tbh after a heated spat and some crying in the middle of the day has created an atmosphere and I feel Christmas has been pretty ruined.
I can't tell if my POV was unreasonable or his was.
We both strongly disagree and have had to just agree to disagree and not talk about it, with both of us not understanding each others point of view or priorities.

For context we always do Christmas eve with my DHs family which we did yesterday. Boxing day with mine. Last year we had to cancel to my Grandad last minute. He is getting old and not in great health and I fear we don't have many Christmas' left with him. He will be hurt if we cancel last minute again.

Yesterday we heard the news that a long standing friend (more my partner's friend of 20 plus years but also my friend for about 16) had been rushed to hospital. This is a good but not very close friend to either of us anymore but someone we both care about alot none the less. He is an important person to us. We were told he was unresponsive and feared to have had a stroke. We have been very very worried.

We got a call from another friend today to let us know that he was awake, he's had a serious medical emergency that I won't disclose as its not my medical information and this thread could be outing but he isn't going to die, hospital are investigating why this has happened and looking at sending him home.

Friend was visiting family the other side of the country.

DH offers to go fetch him when he is discharged and bring him back home. This will take a day with all the driving. Obviously this is completely fine with me. Of course he should help. .

The argument happened because he then tells me he might be doing this tomorrow Boxing Day. I say "umm no not boxing day it's my family Christmas" I wouldn't be able to go as I can't drive and we would have to late cancel my Grandad yet again. I explained this. I said it was important to me. I said he could go the next day.

He said I have funny priorities. That my reaction was weird and not ok. Got very annoyed with me. I got upset. Argument happened.

Now if this was still a life and death situation with friend I would have said yes go. If friend had been likely to die I would have told him to set off in the middle of our Christmas dinner if needs be. But to me if hospital are looking at discharging, then this is no longer an immediate emergency / not really even an emergency anymore and he is not at risk of dying and so I think it's great to help friend but it can wait until 27th.

His opinion - That I have my priorities all wrong. That friend needing help as he is in hospital top trumps family Christmas because we could just go another time and friend has been sick in hospital and so is far more important then Christmas or seeing family. He implied strongly that he thought I was selfish and that I only think of myself.

My opinion - That this is no longer an emergency. It would be unreasonable to late cancel my Grandad again. That my family Christmas is important to me and it is as important as his family Christmas (that we never have had to late cancel or miss because he would never allow it). Yes help friend but not at the expense of my family Christmas. Helping him can wait until the next day (which still would have messed up our family time plans but still fair enough friend needs help). I don't think it's selfish to think that my elderly Grandad not being let down again is more of a priority then a non emergency with a long standing but not close friend, this isn't his bestie. I feel upset he can't see this and that he has questioned my ethics and thinks I am selfish.

So am I being unreasonable and I am in fact selfish for thinking that it's not ok to cancel my family boxing day so he can drive across the country to help friend or am I being reasonable to have said hold on no not boxing day you could go in the 27th

Whose priorities are off here?

As it turns out friend isn't in danger of dying but hospital are keeping him for a few days so partner isn't driving there anyway but this argument has definitely soured our Christmas day and I am just really sad about that.

Is it me that's being a dick about this? I honestly don't know and would like some opinions as I don't know what to say. I just feel sad about the ruined Christmas day.

OP posts:
kiminodrink · 25/12/2023 22:58

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
Crayolaslug · 25/12/2023 22:58

Sirian · 25/12/2023 22:56

YANBU. You only cancel family Xmas for a dire emergency. If it was his own mother or sibling then fair enough. But it’s a friend, and not even a close one. The friend could quite easily be discharged to his own family and DH could do him the favour of collecting him another day. TBH if he isn’t a close friend then I’d say an entire day is too much to invest anyway - he has his own family, let them sort him out!

He was once a close friend but is now more of an old friend. Very much loved and important to us but it's been well over a decade since they were close friends.

OP posts:
NotARealWookiie · 25/12/2023 23:01

Can you get any public transport to get you closer and then taxi? So that it’s cheaper than the £65 taxi each way?

SapphireSeptember · 25/12/2023 23:06

It's Boxing Day, there's not a lot of public transport. Where I am there's no trains or buses. OP has said the buses she normally gets aren't running.

Quitelikeit · 25/12/2023 23:13

Yabu

I also don’t understand how you cancelled grandads Xmas last year - I mean you keep calling it a family Xmas so where was the rest of the family? Or is it just your family who go to visit him on Boxing Day?

You could have hosted him
at your house and let aunt bring him, but your husband could also have dropped you off and you could have got a taxi back

You jumped the gun without thinking it through and that’s really what caused the row

Figgygal · 25/12/2023 23:15

I've no idea why your dh is inserting him into this scenario in the first place given their friendship has drifted and friend has family nearby to support.
I'd be pissed off too he'd just discarded your plans and family on boxing day

ExTheCheater · 25/12/2023 23:17

Surely your friend has people closer who can help rather than someone on the other side of the country. Hospital could arrange transport if he can't get in a taxi.

Cherrysoup · 25/12/2023 23:27

Why, if he is no longer someone you see much, was your Dh going to drop everything to go and get him and why was he the chosen one? I don’t think you’ve even spoken directly to the friend? I think your Dh is being really unreasonable.

Pp could at least read the OP’s posts-click see all to read them, rather than her endlessly repeating herself about why she doesn’t drive.

Beautiful3 · 25/12/2023 23:29

This person has family? If so, they'd be the ones colle ting him, surely?! I don't understand why your husband's inserting himself?! And cancelling your plans. Kind I'd sounds like he's trying to get out of going.

Calliopespa · 25/12/2023 23:29

Op sorry if I’ve missed this, but would you be able to go the day after, or next weekend, to your Granddad? If not, I know it’s a big expense but I think you should pay the 65 pound taxi fare you looked up . Could he manage to either take you or collect you if you could do the other trip by taxi and maybe tweak the timings ? As you say, it could be one of your granddad’s last Christmases and, while it’s a big expense, you have said you would go, you have cancelled last year and to be fair it’s you not driving (and there are lots of valid reasons for that, but it’s still a solid fact) that is really causing the issue here. Like you, I would rather the offer to collect the friend had not been made, but it has, and it’s his right to offer if he feels that way. I know it’s a lot of money in one go, but if you were both driving about day to day you would probably quite quickly have spent that taxi fare in extra fuel that you’ve been saving by always travelling together. I think if it’s just the taxi fare stopping you you could come to regret it. I get that it is a lot but this is an unexpected expense and can be saved elsewhere.

ArchetypalBusyMum · 25/12/2023 23:35

It's dead simple.
His way is a win-lose situation (friend or grandad).
Your way is win-win situation (friend and grandad)

Why would you pick win-lose when you can have win-win!!

No need to pit the importance of one person over the other at all, that's a self imposed (and therefore completely unnecessary) competition.
Obviously if friend was dying etc it would be different, but that's not the situation you have.

Calliopespa · 25/12/2023 23:37

Calliopespa · 25/12/2023 23:29

Op sorry if I’ve missed this, but would you be able to go the day after, or next weekend, to your Granddad? If not, I know it’s a big expense but I think you should pay the 65 pound taxi fare you looked up . Could he manage to either take you or collect you if you could do the other trip by taxi and maybe tweak the timings ? As you say, it could be one of your granddad’s last Christmases and, while it’s a big expense, you have said you would go, you have cancelled last year and to be fair it’s you not driving (and there are lots of valid reasons for that, but it’s still a solid fact) that is really causing the issue here. Like you, I would rather the offer to collect the friend had not been made, but it has, and it’s his right to offer if he feels that way. I know it’s a lot of money in one go, but if you were both driving about day to day you would probably quite quickly have spent that taxi fare in extra fuel that you’ve been saving by always travelling together. I think if it’s just the taxi fare stopping you you could come to regret it. I get that it is a lot but this is an unexpected expense and can be saved elsewhere.

Oh I see it is now ( and has been all along?!) a total non issue anyway. Tbh it’s been slightly confusing. As you say OP, you have had to repeat a lot which people then understandably skim read…

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 25/12/2023 23:42

Neither of you is wrong, but if you don't drive, you need to develop strategies for getting yourself, and other people who rely on you, from A to B.

Sophierx89 · 25/12/2023 23:53

Is it possible for your grandad to go to you instead? I'm completely on your side BTW, I'd be upset too I get that he's worried about his friend but if the friend has family who can help out surely that would be best than taking your partner away from his family Christmas commitments!

Diggerdriverless · 26/12/2023 00:02

I think the moral here is don't make your opening post longer than a couple of paragraphs because half of MN can't read to the end!!! FFS you don't need to RTFT or even read all the OP's updates, just read the first post.

I think your DH got caught up in his plan to swoop in and rescue his friend like some sort of selfless hero. Then you pointed out he already had commitments tomorrow. That's why he accused you of being selfish, because you spoilt this picture he was building in his head. He probably feels a bit stupid too that actually his friend isn't being discharged, the immediate danger is over and the dramatic cross-country drive isn't needed. After tomorrow's visit with your family might be a time to discuss whether he would have cancelled seeing his family if a friend had wanted help on Christmas Eve.

MCOut · 26/12/2023 00:04

YABU I know the point is moot now you could’ve just seen your grandfather another day. He is also not dying, and yes he’s old, but he was not just in the ICU. I’m sure any reasonable adult in your Grandfather’s position would’ve understood why you had to reschedule. I understand seeing him on Boxing Day is meaningful but sometimes sentiment has to come second.

How you feel about your friend is not necessarily how your DH feels and this might have really shaken him. Seeing as how the friend ended up in ICU in the first place, it was clearly very serious. I understand why your partner is annoyed. Also I know finances are tight for a lot of people atm but if it was really that important for you to go tomorrow, you would’ve found at least one leg of the taxi fare from somewhere.

VivX · 26/12/2023 00:17

@Crayolaslug yanbu
It sounds like your dh was using this old-but-now-distant friend as an excuse to avoid going to see your family. Even more so, since the friend has family close by and hadn't even been consulted as to what he (the friend's) preferences were.

Imho, your husband was unreasonable ( because the time to have been driving to hospitals would have been on Christmas eve, or even Christmas day (if your dh had feared it was life threatening when you first found out on Christmas eve) and not Boxing Day (after it had already been confirmed it was not life threatening emergency).

In any case, the ill friend has family close by who were better placed to make decisions about who would or should take them home at the appropriate time - which makes you dh seem somewhat lacking in logic and/or suffering from some sort of hero complex - or, as is more likely, doesn't really want to visit your family.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 26/12/2023 00:24

Yanbu.

There was no need for him to swoop in and volunteer to your detriment when he had a prearranged event and when it is totally impractical. The friend has family locally and hospitals have procedures for when a patient cannot get home but have appropriate care in place after discharge.

Frankly it would be better for him and his mates to chip in for a taxi for the bloke.

Your driving has been delayed for medical reasons and its unfair to count that against you. Its careless for either of you to even consider a taxi without at least agreeing that a taxi must accommodate car seats.

Totally impractical and smacks of wanting to put his own want above letting you and his kids down.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 26/12/2023 00:27

@VivX "hero complex"

Couldn't have put it better.

Making you the bad guy if you dont say yes. Wonder if he will now try wriggling out of the visit by blaming the atmosphere or if he will go but sulk all day to punish you and bring you back in line.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 26/12/2023 00:29

Even more cynically I bet he probably fancied squeezing in a meeting with his own mates and couldn't believe you would do anything other than pat him on the back about being such a good bloke.

Brats4kid · 26/12/2023 00:38

Both can drive, probably only have just the one car.

kiminodrink · 26/12/2023 00:41

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Cornishclio · 26/12/2023 00:50

On this occasion you both clearly had differing priorities. Yours was your grandad and his was the friend. Neither was wrong but clearly you depend on him for driving which is a hindrance.

Starzinsky · 26/12/2023 00:56

If you are not happy about not being able to get to events you can't travel to then you either need to learn to drive or adjust your expectations of life and people. It wouldn't be unreasonable to help a friends out and put other plans on hold. How would you get to family events if you were separated.

kiminodrink · 26/12/2023 01:03

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.