Sick friend and boxing day plans . Who is being unreasonable?

[Crayolaslug]

Name change but long term poster.

Who is being unreasonable about this Christmas day argument please.

Me and DH have had a Christmas day argument that we've tried to put behind us but tbh after a heated spat and some crying in the middle of the day has created an atmosphere and I feel Christmas has been pretty ruined.
I can't tell if my POV was unreasonable or his was.
We both strongly disagree and have had to just agree to disagree and not talk about it, with both of us not understanding each others point of view or priorities.

For context we always do Christmas eve with my DHs family which we did yesterday. Boxing day with mine. Last year we had to cancel to my Grandad last minute. He is getting old and not in great health and I fear we don't have many Christmas' left with him. He will be hurt if we cancel last minute again.

Yesterday we heard the news that a long standing friend (more my partner's friend of 20 plus years but also my friend for about 16) had been rushed to hospital. This is a good but not very close friend to either of us anymore but someone we both care about alot none the less. He is an important person to us. We were told he was unresponsive and feared to have had a stroke. We have been very very worried.

We got a call from another friend today to let us know that he was awake, he's had a serious medical emergency that I won't disclose as its not my medical information and this thread could be outing but he isn't going to die, hospital are investigating why this has happened and looking at sending him home.

Friend was visiting family the other side of the country.

DH offers to go fetch him when he is discharged and bring him back home. This will take a day with all the driving. Obviously this is completely fine with me. Of course he should help. .

The argument happened because he then tells me he might be doing this tomorrow Boxing Day. I say "umm no not boxing day it's my family Christmas" I wouldn't be able to go as I can't drive and we would have to late cancel my Grandad yet again. I explained this. I said it was important to me. I said he could go the next day.

He said I have funny priorities. That my reaction was weird and not ok. Got very annoyed with me. I got upset. Argument happened.

Now if this was still a life and death situation with friend I would have said yes go. If friend had been likely to die I would have told him to set off in the middle of our Christmas dinner if needs be. But to me if hospital are looking at discharging, then this is no longer an immediate emergency / not really even an emergency anymore and he is not at risk of dying and so I think it's great to help friend but it can wait until 27th.

His opinion - That I have my priorities all wrong. That friend needing help as he is in hospital top trumps family Christmas because we could just go another time and friend has been sick in hospital and so is far more important then Christmas or seeing family. He implied strongly that he thought I was selfish and that I only think of myself.

My opinion - That this is no longer an emergency. It would be unreasonable to late cancel my Grandad again. That my family Christmas is important to me and it is as important as his family Christmas (that we never have had to late cancel or miss because he would never allow it). Yes help friend but not at the expense of my family Christmas. Helping him can wait until the next day (which still would have messed up our family time plans but still fair enough friend needs help). I don't think it's selfish to think that my elderly Grandad not being let down again is more of a priority then a non emergency with a long standing but not close friend, this isn't his bestie. I feel upset he can't see this and that he has questioned my ethics and thinks I am selfish.

So am I being unreasonable and I am in fact selfish for thinking that it's not ok to cancel my family boxing day so he can drive across the country to help friend or am I being reasonable to have said hold on no not boxing day you could go in the 27th

Whose priorities are off here?

As it turns out friend isn't in danger of dying but hospital are keeping him for a few days so partner isn't driving there anyway but this argument has definitely soured our Christmas day and I am just really sad about that.

Is it me that's being a dick about this? I honestly don't know and would like some opinions as I don't know what to say. I just feel sad about the ruined Christmas day.

Irs good you are learning to drive. I think you both have a point but his friend needing help trumps family Christmas. I think you need to get one of your family to collect you. I've driven an hour there and another hour back to pick up dsis on boxing day before because she can't drive. Maybe get picked up and stay with family or get a £65 taxi back. That's not too bad one way.

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to be honest. My dh would've offered to drop me off on his way, even if it was out of his way and I would have been understanding that he was needed somewhere else. It sounds more like he is looking for excuses to get out of spending Christmas with your family and you've both dug your heels in. I doubt this is an isolated example of you two not getting along. Is there a power imbalance in your relationship.

Well if the whole questioning priorities and him getting huffy hadn't happened and so I hadn't then started crying (which tbh was an over reaction on my part to him being huffy, but it was Christmas Day and the desire to have a perfect day and not a day where we started bickering or arguing and the fact id drunk a couple of glasses of wine took over and I just started crying. I did explain many times that I was crying because he had got shitty with me not that to manipulate him into not going to help friend etc ), and if he had responded to my 'not boxing day surely" stance something like "I know this is important to you so we need to do this so can i pay for a taxi, or i could drive and drop you off before leaving" or something then although i would have felt sad he was no longer coming I would have been ok and understanding about him going to help his friend.

Unfortunately though that's not what happened as we had a row about priorities and he didn't offer out any alternative solutions other then canceling my Grandad.😕

Sounds like he's got caught up in things and his emotions hadn't adjusted to the fact that it needn't be so urgent to collect friend.
I think if you draw his attention to the fact that boxing day for the friend is optional and go from there, maybe the friends would even prefer another day for whatever reason, the issue could be solved and later when everyone is sorted and calm you can reflect on where it went wrong and remove him you aren't a cruel mean person who doesn't care about friends!

Remind, not remove

This is something that my DH would have done. He doesn't do it any more, but it's taken a lot of work to stop doing shit like this.

If this "friend"'was visiting family, why on Earth can't one of them collect him from hospital?

You seem to be getting a lot of criticism for not having a driving licence, but the issue here is how far down the list of priorities you and your family are to your DH.

The friend ( even if he has been discharged on Boxing Day) had plenty of other options. It’s a nice thing to do, but not at the expense of your family.

It seems it’s more important for your DH to look like ‘the hero’, as opposed to less glamorous responsibilities to his family.

Yes. This is why I felt upset. I don't think the reasons why I can't drive are massively relevant and I have gone over and over why I can't yet drive in the thread, but the fact is to me I can't drive and so DH had made a commitment to me to drive me and our children to my Grandad in boxing day. Just like I made a commitment to him to do his family Xmas Xmas eve.

To me the priorities in this situation were in order.

1. Emergency situation with friend
2. Not letting my Grandad down for the 2nd year running
3. Important but no longer an emergency situation with friend.

To him it was clear that even though the situation with friend had down graded to no longer an emergency and could have waited until the 27th, it was clear that him having commited to driving us to something he knows we were dependent on him to be able to do wasn't that important a commitment to him but most importantly he thinks it's completely fine to just late cancel on my Grandad at Christmas for the second year in a row.

Well you can’t drive if you haven’t passed your test.

Well exactly. What I meant is I know how to drive and could drive the car technically but I would need DH to come still to sit in the passenger seat because I haven't passed my test and so obviously need a driver to take me out on a provisional license. So either way I need DH to go in the car

Yes this is a reasonable take on it, put like that.

I also agree the argument was multi-faceted (and probably was easy for them to conflate the layers a little after a couple of glasses of wine) as it involved the collision of priorities and ideals and the more prosaic considerations of scheduling and transport. I don’t suspect DH was trying to avoid granddad’s, but probably was swept up in a rescue mission without thinking. I think he actually would have liked to have done both ( ideal), but the scheduling at first was a problem ( practicality). I don’t think OP really minded him going, but she had no way of then carrying out her priority.
Relationships do have these collisions. Moreover, things always get heightened at Christmas because there is a lot of build up and expectation. OP it’s great you go to your Grandad when the rest of your family sounds quite fractured. Have a lovely day with him. I can see both dh’s pov and yours, and also understand driving isn’t always as easy for some as for others for all sorts of reasons. However, going forward, I think building up an emergency taxi fund is a good idea as you don’t want to find yourself trapped at some point. Give grandad and DH big hug: they are clearly both really important to you in so many ways.

As usual people are nit-picking on the post.

The friend in hospital HAS family there. He will be discharged to HIS family, who he is visiting.

So WHY is OP'S husband trying to be the ' Knight in shining armour ' ?

He's putting the friend who has FAMILY right near him, above his own family.

Bet if OP said the FRIEND was a Women the replies would be different!

OP make passing your test a priority for your own good. You won't need to rely on your husband then.

Quite @itsmylife7

I mentioned the saviour thing earlier.

There is no question that it was a lovely thing to suggest - if it was desperately needed.

The thing that is not lovely was that this unnecessary gesture was to be made at the expense of OP and their family.

*Friend hasn't actually directly asked for help. DH offered.

Also what I didn't realise at the time the argument unfolded is that DH and his group of friends hadn't even actually spoken to friend in hospital about it all this they had just decided by talking between them all that this was the plan of action and DH would drive on boxing day to go get sick friend so sick friend could come home his own home. Their plan was to take another friend with them who would then drive sick friends van home.
When someone had actually spoke to sick friend it turned out sick friend wouldn't be discharged for a few days anyway due to hospital wanting to observe him*

Isn't this really strange? So old friend is with his family, presumably something like mother, father, siblings et cetera and without discussing with friend or family they just decide to go get him?!? Isn't that the families job to organise? Since sick people tend to put up a brave face for friends but will happily be miserable and throw up over mum?

@ArcaneWireless you are exactly right about the saviour thing. This is all about his ego and less about what his friend actually wants or needs .

Our responses are heightened at Christmas. I think he’s got tangled up with Curtis Christmas movie type spirit: friends all leap into car, dodge traffic diversions and arrive at hospital where there is an instagram worthy Christmas tree in the waiting room and friend is just at that moment being wheeled out by nurse, and lives to see the Christmas he thought he would miss. I think it was an OTT offer in the actual circumstances ( which, let’s face it seemed to be evolving and changing) but I don’t think it came from a bad place. When he realised he’d screwed up the practicalities he was wrong footed and then OP crying made him feel guilty for what he’d thought at first was movie-worthy. It IS frustrating when reality impinges!

I agree that a big part of his reaction was the thought of having to backtrack in coming forward as the white knight to rescue his friend on the friendship group WhatsApp. He should have consulted the OP before doing this.

Agree.

I am not really sure which particular family members friend was visiting with his partner. I also heard yesterday that now the hospital have said he needs to stay in for a few days for observations that another friend was going to "try and persuade him to stay with family longer to rest" so it's possible friend would prefer to just come home to his house which is my DH and his friends had come up with this plan to go get him and get him home as he wont be able to drive himself, which is nice of them and fair enough but again not a absolutely must be boxing day thing if that was so.

But I'm speculating as tbh it could be his Mum he was visiting and it could be he didn't want to come home I have no idea. I get the impression alot around the events of the illness and admittance are a case of speculation and rumors spread around between friends as we were told he was unconscious and unresponsive on Xmas eve and were legitimately sick with worry that he was going to die, I had a huge knot in my stomach about it as it seemed bleak but that seems to not have been the case after all and he was never unconscious and unresponsive although did have a very serious medical emergency and was in icu. So who knows. It seems like the friendship group have got into a panic frenzy with high emotion and worry and have all jumped the gun to action to help that was a bit premature and not actually needed for now.

But it came from a good caring place from them and thankfully sick friend is recovering and well looked after which is what is important

Im getting 'knight in shining armour' vibes from OP's dh.

I don't think you're unreasonable op.

So much criticism about not being able to drive herself. It's very common to not have a licence, or to have one and only afford one car per family.

Definitely not unreasonable OP

No reason the friend collection trip couldn’t have waited a day, like you originally suggested, so that you could stick to your Boxing Day plans to spend time with your elderly grandad.

It sounds like he couldn’t be bothered with your family plans and was kind of relishing having the hospital drama as an excuse to duck out, and now it’s all been resolved for the best with both options being possible he’s being a bit sulky and projecting his annoyance on you.

Ignore him, you’ve done nothing wrong. Don't let his mood spoil your time with your grandad.

One poster even berated op for not taking another test - like, give her a chance - it's Boxing Day - I don't think testing centres are open today and she'll be lucky to get one in 6 months if recent test availability is anything to go by!!

@CandyLeBonBon I honestly feel like I'm in a different world sometimes. I know loads who don't drive, it's normal. Not everyone is suited to it, has the coordination, can afford it. Not everyone can afford to have a car each.
Imagine this country if every adult could drive? It's already hell on the roads!

I know right! Not being able to drive is not a moral failure!