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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum wouldn't let my newborn put on Christmas outfit

181 replies

sleepsuitbag · 25/12/2023 12:34

I'm got my mum helping with the newborn and u bought a Christmas outfit. I wanted to put him in it last night for cuddles etc. she said no. At 11.30 today (going to relatives m for 2pm) I suggested again - again no.

AIBU in thinking I can dress my child in whatever I want, whatever I want and she needs to back down. She said he might dirty it - well stop changing nappy straight away as baby isn't finish pooing.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 26/12/2023 01:56

The OP has issues with her confidence due to PPD. But what concerns me is her use of language and repeated points of 'not being allowed' and deferring all responsibility to her mother. That's an unhealthy dynamic because it doesn't encourage the OP to regain confidence. Instead it suggests her mother is constantly undermining her when she does try and do something. She says she said 'shall we' to which the mother should really be going 'if you want to great' rather than saying 'no' in anyway.

The OP then starts talking about the baby being unable to identify her primary carer. The baby will have known the sound of her mother's voice, the sound of her heart beat and her smell which are different from others. Especially if they are still very small. The OPs mother isn't a replacement for that just cos she changes nappies...

OP needs to learn to recognise this. And that her mum might not be being quite as supportive as she thinks and maybe part of the problem.

ChristmasEvemaddness · 26/12/2023 05:46

Op it's important to you and that's all that matters.
It's insensitive of your dm not to facilitate this request in the situation...
Whilst she's helping you it also sounds like she's simultaneously making the situation worse.

WandaWonder · 26/12/2023 06:45

You are old enough to have a baby so you are old enough to look after the baby yourself put the dress on and actually parent your child

festivepains · 26/12/2023 07:36

I think your mum sounds mean. You're clearly struggling and she should be trying to help that bond

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/12/2023 07:52

Some of you are absolutely horrible people. The OP has already said that she is suffering from postnatal depression and she obviously has an overbearing mother.

OP, if you are still reading this, just say to your mum that it's important, you do things the way you want them just as she did things the way she wanted them when she had children

I hope you do dress your child in the clothes you want them to wear and take beautiful photos. I hope when you look at the photos you remember the baby and not the way your mother has behaved.

I had postnatal depression and saw my doctor and was put on antidepressants. It made a world of difference.

Take care and have a lovely time with your beautiful baby 💐

RampantIvy · 26/12/2023 08:05

Well said @determinedtomakethiswork
I suspect the pile on posters haven't bothered to read the OP's updates.

OrangeryAt · 26/12/2023 08:15

Why are you asking for her consent and/or doing what she says? Your kid, your decision.

maddening · 26/12/2023 08:17

You have ppd, your mum should be helping you with your baby not taking over.and pushing you out

Can you.and dp/dh find a mother's.help/ nanny or similar to support you?

Ps be assertive and tell your mum what you need- you are not asking permission and you need to get these moments of enjoyment - these are important for you - it is hard with lack of sleep, hormones, impact to your body, all the emotions of having a newborn (even without ppd) and it is these moments that pull you through and keep you going - the Xmas outfits, the moments of cuddles while they sleep in your arms.and you can just look at them etc. Your mum needs to support you in getting these and if she isn't someone needs to tell her how she should support you -.whether that is dh or the health visitor. It sounds like she has taken over which won't help you get that feeling of agency and build your confidence with your baby imo.

boomtickhouse · 26/12/2023 08:18

RatatouillePie · 25/12/2023 13:55

You're an adult. You don't even need to ask permission.

Not necessarily.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 26/12/2023 08:38

OzziePopPop · 25/12/2023 20:55

Are you the poster who recently asked about residential help where you could take baby with you? If so, the back story and the level of your problems are being underestimated here.

whether you are that poster or not (that posters parents were pretty OTT in my opinion) you need to calmly and politely let your mum know that you are the parent. For example, not ‘shall we’ but ‘I’ll take him mum, thanks. I’m going to change his clothes now and take some photos. Aren’t memories lovely!’ You’re asking her opinion/involving her in your example and (in this case) her input is unnecessary. There’s absolutely no rudeness in taking your own child for a few minutes and changing his clothes for some photos.

I wish you all a very happy Christmas and hope your PPD resolves soon (I’ve been there, it’s hell x) 🎄😀🎄

I thought the tone of the replies were familiar. It makes sense if it was that OP.

User56785 · 26/12/2023 08:38

*Am I not the one who decides how best a bond is formed?

I shouldn't have to explain to myself but I wanted pictures of him and cuddles of him in his outfit for me to look at and for memories.*

There you go, you've answered your own question.

boomtickhouse · 26/12/2023 08:48

I'm no expert but spending 90% of your time away from the baby doesn't feel like the best way to recover from PND?

Can your mum bring the baby to you? Even if she has to stay too (if you want her to)

Some of this doesn't make sense - if you're not there then how do you he's being passed around like a "hot potato "? And if you are there then yo u can take him anytime you like. Are you getting professional help rather than just your mum doing what she thinks is best?

AuntMarch · 26/12/2023 08:59

Asparagus1 · 25/12/2023 20:44

Sounds like a load of grumpy old harridans didn’t get what they wanted for Christmas and are taking it out on OP. As for asking if she’s young…patronising much?!

I think it's a valid question. I knew a young mum who had never really done anything independently and so it took some time and support from others for her to make a stand and say "actually, this is my baby. I'm happy to listen to advice, but it's me who will make the decisions".

An adult who has lived away from home has a bit of a head start on that front.

momonpurpose · 26/12/2023 10:43

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 26/12/2023 08:38

I thought the tone of the replies were familiar. It makes sense if it was that OP.

Show quote history

I remember that thread too. The detached way of speaking about the baby is the same too

olympicsrock · 26/12/2023 10:59

OP - I don’t know why you are getting such a hard time. Of course you should be allowed to choose to put your baby in a Christmas outfit to take special pictures. I get it.

Itslegitimatesalvage · 26/12/2023 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 14:58

olympicsrock · 26/12/2023 10:59

OP - I don’t know why you are getting such a hard time. Of course you should be allowed to choose to put your baby in a Christmas outfit to take special pictures. I get it.

Well that's fine, but babies aren't toys. Or photo op props. Bonding is complicated and whilst photos can help, they're not a substitute for in person interaction.

I hope op gets the help she needs - pnd is horrible.

KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 26/12/2023 14:59

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 14:58

Well that's fine, but babies aren't toys. Or photo op props. Bonding is complicated and whilst photos can help, they're not a substitute for in person interaction.

I hope op gets the help she needs - pnd is horrible.

Show quote history

So you never took a photo with your baby?

I really wish I had more photos of my DC as babies, it always felt like a ‘nice to have’ and now they’re older I have very little to look back on

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 15:26

I think it's very clear I didn't mean no one should ever take photos of their babies so don't be disingenuous. But OP's statement that her mum is going 90% of the care and she wants to dress her baby up for a photo op, sounded a bit odd tbh.

But that's the point about PND isn't it? It can alter the way we see/feel about things and can cause disordered thinking that needs help to unravel.

I really hope op gets support. It sounds like a really difficult time.

alexdgr8 · 26/12/2023 16:45

OP, i think you should ring 111 and ask for help.

RowanMayfair · 26/12/2023 16:50

alexdgr8 · 26/12/2023 16:45

OP, i think you should ring 111 and ask for help.

Do you mean 101? Either way I'm not sure what either service will be able to do?

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 16:50

alexdgr8 · 26/12/2023 16:45

OP, i think you should ring 111 and ask for help.

For what, exactly?

IncompleteSenten · 26/12/2023 16:54

alexdgr8 · 26/12/2023 16:45

OP, i think you should ring 111 and ask for help.

The NHS telephone helpline? For her pnd you mean?

Itslegitimatesalvage · 26/12/2023 17:28

Why ring 111? She could present at A&E and ask for the crisis team, but that’s really for people literally about to commit suicide and going in for immediate help. For PND, hospitals won’t help and neither will out of hours so what will 111 do? She has to go through her GP.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 26/12/2023 18:20

Itslegitimatesalvage · 26/12/2023 17:28

Why ring 111? She could present at A&E and ask for the crisis team, but that’s really for people literally about to commit suicide and going in for immediate help. For PND, hospitals won’t help and neither will out of hours so what will 111 do? She has to go through her GP.

If it is the same OP as I am thinking of, this individual has posted numerous times but never takes advice and is noted for spiky replies. She is clearly in need of support and very unwell. From what she has written, indeed if she is the same person, she really needs urgent help.