Page 11 | Unequal grandparent gifts

JustAMinutePleass · 2023-12-25T10:51:52+00:00

I have an only child. My siblings have 2-3 kids a piece. Just found out my parents set a £30 budget for my child’s present and bought £300 pianos as a ‘shared gift’ for each set of gc for each sibling. I asked why my son didn’t also get a piano (or even a larger budget equal to a proportion of the others) when he’s the only one of their 6 gc actually learning the piano and was told I was ungrateful. I’m so, so pissed off. Bear in mind I’m hosting christmas as I’ve done for years. Aibu to kick them all out and call it a day?

Doodlesplodge17 · 27/12/2023 09:51

Oh I’ve told her, don’t worry, she just doesn’t care.
we more than make it up to them though.

Drfosters · 27/12/2023 09:56

@Teenagehorrorbag what would you think though if there are 2 families and one has 2 children so £60 spend but the other family has 6 children so £180 spend. The first set of children are going to notice that grandparents lavish a lot of money on their cousins than they ever do on them. Not all cousins are wonderfully close and they do notice.

@Messyhair321 could the difference between the way your parents treat your children just be a product of how many grandchildren that have? My in laws have 12 grandchildren in total. Mine are the eldest. Over the years I have seen the amount of love and attention decline because as the numbers increased the GP tried to be equal and that has been an eternal source of upset. Perhaps your parents wanted to preserve the strong relationship they had with the eldest and rather than dilute that relationship. Might seem unfair to you but having been on the other side of things I can tell you having lots of attention and love from GP and then having it reduced to a gift card at Xmas and birthdays as they don’t have the time to search for individual presents is a bit upsetting.

payens · 27/12/2023 11:57

Lifeasiknowitisout · 25/12/2023 11:12

So nobody wanted a piano.

Pianos are really crap gifts if you don’t want one. Focus less on the cost. And more on the actual gift.

Was your son’s gift something he wanted?

I do disagree that your child should get more because you are hosting. If you don’t want to host, don’t. If you can’t afford it. Don’t do it. I wouldn’t. But that doesn’t mean your kids should get bigger presents.

Assuming there’s a back story of similar behaviour here, you should have, already, stopped hosting.

If there’s no back story and you usually all get one, you might need to have think about it more there will be a reason

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She didn't say her child should get more because she hosts, she wants the children to be treated equally. What's wrong with that. The grandparents ABVU.

Lovecat · 27/12/2023 12:02

Well done OP for speaking up. Your parents sound horrendous and totally unfair. I'm really glad you stood up for yourself and DS.

And if you live in/near East London, I'm getting rid of my ancient Victorian piano as we're downsizing - DM me if you want to save it from the scrapheap!

Teenagehorrorbag · 27/12/2023 15:44

Drfosters · 27/12/2023 09:56

@Teenagehorrorbag what would you think though if there are 2 families and one has 2 children so £60 spend but the other family has 6 children so £180 spend. The first set of children are going to notice that grandparents lavish a lot of money on their cousins than they ever do on them. Not all cousins are wonderfully close and they do notice.

@Messyhair321 could the difference between the way your parents treat your children just be a product of how many grandchildren that have? My in laws have 12 grandchildren in total. Mine are the eldest. Over the years I have seen the amount of love and attention decline because as the numbers increased the GP tried to be equal and that has been an eternal source of upset. Perhaps your parents wanted to preserve the strong relationship they had with the eldest and rather than dilute that relationship. Might seem unfair to you but having been on the other side of things I can tell you having lots of attention and love from GP and then having it reduced to a gift card at Xmas and birthdays as they don’t have the time to search for individual presents is a bit upsetting.

This is exactly why I feel the spend should be per child. Children won't notice how much is spent per family, only on what they personally received compared to their siblings and cousins. I agree it feels a bit unfair from the parents' perspective - but is the fairest way per child?

But as I said - it's tricky either way - and certainly when looking at what aunts and uncles should be spending......

Ladysmirnoff1 · 27/12/2023 17:29

Go for it then put your feet up . Tell them you will no longer be hosting at Christmas as you're entitled to a break as well.

Messyhair321 · 27/12/2023 23:51

Drfosters · 27/12/2023 09:56

@Teenagehorrorbag what would you think though if there are 2 families and one has 2 children so £60 spend but the other family has 6 children so £180 spend. The first set of children are going to notice that grandparents lavish a lot of money on their cousins than they ever do on them. Not all cousins are wonderfully close and they do notice.

@Messyhair321 could the difference between the way your parents treat your children just be a product of how many grandchildren that have? My in laws have 12 grandchildren in total. Mine are the eldest. Over the years I have seen the amount of love and attention decline because as the numbers increased the GP tried to be equal and that has been an eternal source of upset. Perhaps your parents wanted to preserve the strong relationship they had with the eldest and rather than dilute that relationship. Might seem unfair to you but having been on the other side of things I can tell you having lots of attention and love from GP and then having it reduced to a gift card at Xmas and birthdays as they don’t have the time to search for individual presents is a bit upsetting.

I don't think this is it in my case, they only have three grandchildren in total and they are all close in ages, besides, what is wrong with treating them equally? especially now they are all adults, no reason whatsoever to be spending less on youngest - no matter how many there are they could just share out the gifting and money spent, so if you have £60, and 12 grandchildren, why not spend £5 on each. I can't see any reason why doing anything different would be justified

Drfosters · 28/12/2023 11:12

Messyhair321 · 27/12/2023 23:51

I don't think this is it in my case, they only have three grandchildren in total and they are all close in ages, besides, what is wrong with treating them equally? especially now they are all adults, no reason whatsoever to be spending less on youngest - no matter how many there are they could just share out the gifting and money spent, so if you have £60, and 12 grandchildren, why not spend £5 on each. I can't see any reason why doing anything different would be justified

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because of situations like the OP presents. Your argument is that it fair that the grandparents purchased a piano for one set of grandchildren but not the other one just because one family has more children. Essentially a bigger budget due to more children. I don’t think it is fair. There should be a piano per family no matter either it is 1 child or 10.

wronginalltherightways · 28/12/2023 11:36

Your Dad SHOULD have been embarrassed, OP.
So should your Mum.

I'm glad you told them to leave.

Sadly, it's probably lip service support from your siblings since this has been going on your entire life and they've never stood up for you before.

Messyhair321 · 29/12/2023 08:45

Drfosters · 28/12/2023 11:12

because of situations like the OP presents. Your argument is that it fair that the grandparents purchased a piano for one set of grandchildren but not the other one just because one family has more children. Essentially a bigger budget due to more children. I don’t think it is fair. There should be a piano per family no matter either it is 1 child or 10.

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Not what I said at all, I think they should be treated equally with the same amount of money for each child/family. If they can't afford a piano per family then they should buy something cheaper so they can have equal money spent on them

Drfosters · 29/12/2023 10:51

Messyhair321 · 29/12/2023 08:45

Not what I said at all, I think they should be treated equally with the same amount of money for each child/family. If they can't afford a piano per family then they should buy something cheaper so they can have equal money spent on them

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In principle The children did have equal amounts spent on them but because there were more children in one family they had a bigger budget and so the grandparents bought a piano with that larger budget rather than giving the children the cash individually. But that means those children all have the same utility of the piano. The OP’s son can’t have a part share of the piano and so has no piano at all. It would be the same as if the kids in a larger family all clubbed together and bought themselves a games console they all could use because they had a greater total per family. The smaller family could never club together enough to buy it so they would always know granny bought the other family a games console but not them.

there is no right or wrong on this and I understand both sides but i just believe that grandchildren are not a collective group as siblings are and they should be treated as separate families for equality purposes.

Talkinrubbishagain · 29/12/2023 12:32

You are absolutely right to feel hurt on behalf of your child. It is a dreadful feeling when our child has been left out.
iwould either ask again about the mean and unkind gifts difference ,or I would leave it but not host again. Go away with your child…somewhere wonderful.
i suspect that you are better off financially than the others? …not your fault or problem.

AliceOlive · 29/12/2023 12:41

@Drfosters OP has one child who received a £30 gift.
The others have 2 children and 3 children respectively who each shared a £300 gift.

The per family and per child spending were not remotely equal.

LovelyIssues · 29/12/2023 22:13

Don't host next year. Save the £500 and buy DC a piano

knockyknees · 30/12/2023 01:53

Good on you, OP, for calling your parents out on their shit. They're absolutely vile, and as this seems to be part of an ongoing pattern, this would be my final straw, and I'd cut them off after this.

Nanaof1 · 31/12/2023 03:59

Spirallingdownwards · 25/12/2023 11:23

OP obviously meant her child should have got more than the £30 not more than their cousins. People are so obtuse sometimes.

OP on the news all week there has been mention of hosts charging for Christmas lunch. I would ask people you are hosting for their £££ contribution to the £500. 😉

I think that sometimes, people are obtuse on purpose, because then they have a club they can raise with which to beat the OP over the head. (As people here have proven beyond a shadow of doubt.)

Nanaof1 · 31/12/2023 04:05

JustAMinutePleass · 25/12/2023 11:24

you’re right of course. He’s only 4 so he doesn’t realise. DH thinks I should just grin and bear it and say no to hosting next year when my mum tries to guilt trip me into it. But I grew up being the scapegoat. It hurts that they’re repeating the cycle with my son.

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Then, do not let yourself be guilt-tripped into it. They have made you not only the scapegoat but their beck and call daughter who will slave away for everyone else. STOP letting them get away with it. Copy out these posts and put them where you will see them starting next September/October/November or whenever your NVNP/NVNM start to try and get you to bend to their will. They are using you and you are letting them. It's NOT your job to be the family "doer" who does all the grunt work. Ditto for Thanksgiving, birthdays and everything else they guilt-trip you into doing. They are not your immediate family, your DC, DH and you are a family unit and the most important one to you three.

Nanaof1 · 31/12/2023 04:21

TinkerTiger · 25/12/2023 11:55

Do people even bother to read?

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One would think that by that time, that far along in pages, they would have read the posts.
Between these and the ones who don't WANT to understand that the OP never meant she wanted her DC to get more money spent on them because she hosted. She wanted equality between the DGC because she was hosting. But, people are so busy looking to attack OPs on MN, that I imagine they sit at their computer or on their phone, frothing at the mouth in anticipation of who they will attack tonight. LOTS of unstable people visit MN, it appears.

Nanaof1 · 31/12/2023 04:56

pikkumyy77 · 25/12/2023 13:04

I winder if the gift pianos were not made, spitefully, to keep scapegoat OP in her place. If she hosts and her child is learning the piano at four maybe this is the grandparents way of trying to keep the golden grandchildren elevated above OP’s child. Maybe this is meant to redress the balance so OP, who is aspiring above her station, doesn’t get too proud.

I'm glad I am not the only one who went to that dark place and felt that the NVDGP were making a point at the expense of OP and her DC. It wouldn't surprise me as people can be so cruel.

Nanaof1 · 31/12/2023 05:14

rochenutty · 25/12/2023 16:44

the fact that the Op even thinks that, let alone states on her thread assuming we’d all agree - speaks volumes to me

What are you going on about now? Have you even bothered to read the whole thread or are you so anxious to be nasty you didn't bother?

Funny enough, the majority DO think the OP has a point. But then, we also have the reading comprehension to understand the post.

I guess you are in the minority. 😆

Nanaof1 · 31/12/2023 05:16

lostonmars · 25/12/2023 16:41

I agree all the grandchildren should obviously get relatively equal amounts, but since when is it a rule that the host's child should get more?

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Went WAY over your head. 😆

lostonmars · 31/12/2023 05:17

Nanaof1 · 31/12/2023 05:16

Went WAY over your head. 😆

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Is that not what the OP is saying?

Nanaof1 · 31/12/2023 05:25

festivepains · 26/12/2023 07:20

Who on earth buys a piano for someone who hasn't asked for one. Imagine having to unwrap that and finding somewhere in the house for it!

The updates show that the OPs siblings KNEW their kids were getting pianos. It was even researched as to what to get. (Though I am still trying to come to grips with pianos that cost so little. A good 88 key keyboard would be more fun.)

Nanaof1 · 31/12/2023 05:27

Soontobe60 · 26/12/2023 06:34

I wonder how old your nephews and nieces are. I think the biggest mistake you’re making is that you’re placing monetary values on gifts. You’re clearly forgetting what Christmas is all about.
I bet your piano-playing 4 year old was really happy you took his present off him and threw his grandparents out with it. And who on earth spends £500 on cooking for a few people?

He will grow up to know his parents value him as a person and will not tolerate him being treated as a lesser.

You sound like one of those people who spend more on their favorites and enjoy having at least one DC/DGC as a lesser, then whine when called out on it.

Nanaof1 · 31/12/2023 05:42

wronginalltherightways · 28/12/2023 11:36

Your Dad SHOULD have been embarrassed, OP.
So should your Mum.

I'm glad you told them to leave.

Sadly, it's probably lip service support from your siblings since this has been going on your entire life and they've never stood up for you before.

I agree. The siblings are not without fault. They KNEW their children were getting pianos (for months before Christmas) AND other gifts from the GPs (People missed this little point in this thread. The sibling's children got a piano AND other gifts, not just pianos).

I think the siblings knew exactly what was going on, but didn't want to miss the free food and drinks. OP needs to realize her siblings either need to step up and actually have her back, physically and verbally, or they are almost as bad as the OPs NVNP and just manipulate the OP to believe otherwise.