Page 7 | Unequal grandparent gifts

JustAMinutePleass · 2023-12-25T10:51:52+00:00

I have an only child. My siblings have 2-3 kids a piece. Just found out my parents set a £30 budget for my child’s present and bought £300 pianos as a ‘shared gift’ for each set of gc for each sibling. I asked why my son didn’t also get a piano (or even a larger budget equal to a proportion of the others) when he’s the only one of their 6 gc actually learning the piano and was told I was ungrateful. I’m so, so pissed off. Bear in mind I’m hosting christmas as I’ve done for years. Aibu to kick them all out and call it a day?

Beautiful3 · 25/12/2023 13:16

That's horrible. I'd ask for 150 towards a piano. I wouldn't ever host christmas day again

Globules · 25/12/2023 13:18

I hear you @JustAMinutePleass

My XMIL used to spend £100s on XSILs children and £10s on mine.

XH always felt like second best to his DS in his mum's eyes growing up. She repeated the pattern with her grandchildren.

XMIL taught me so much about how NOT to be a grandparent, for if/when my time may come.

rebeccaxxxx · 25/12/2023 13:18

Decent pianos cost a lot more than £300 so you are probably better off without it anyway.

Poppyseason · 25/12/2023 13:20

My grandparents were the same @JustAMinutePleass it's not the money but the lack of thought and care that really stings. Even when I lost a parent and was facing my first christmas as a grieving child they still gave gifts to my 3 cousins and nothing for me.

I'm sorry your dc is facing this and at some point he will notice.

ChateauMargaux · 25/12/2023 13:26

What did they spend on your nieces and nephews when they were 4? Maybe they decided that a piano is what you get when you are 8.. and as there are 2 pr 3 siblings.. they could share..

It does sound like you feel less loved by your parents so maybe this is the straw that broke the camels back.

I see huge inequalities in how my parents treat their children and dare I admit, I also see differences within my own family.. DC3 grew up in a house that already had an XBox when he came to the age that DC1 was given it for Christmas but it was a present he had to share.. When DC1 was 8.. the cost of presents was lower than 6 years later when DC3 was 8 so overall DC3 gets more, I think.. It is not intentional... things evolve.. we had more money when DC3 was a toddler than when DC1 was a toddler.. balancing the present pile is always a challenge. There are things that DC1 had new, and first which DC3 had second hand and things that DC1 had second hand or cheaper but when we realised that sometimes it pays to spend more.. DC3 got new or better quality.

Poor DC2 is squished in the middle!!

FallingStar21 · 25/12/2023 13:27

What I don't get is why buy pianos for the other kids when it's not something they are learning.. Could it be a competitive streak, where GCs think your son is ahead of the game and feel the need to make his cousins just as skilled, talented etc?
Sounds really silly as a reason but why else buy them pianos. It's like they are rubbing your face in it, the only child who could actually use a piano is not given one!
I wouldn't even bother with them this Xmas to be honest, let alone other Xmas'es unless they could offer a good mitigating excuse.

user1492757084 · 25/12/2023 13:35

If your child learns piano perhaps they think he already has one. Maybe they would like their other grandchildren to also play piano because your child loves it.
Does this happen each year?
Are your siblings' kids poorer?
Are the kids upset?
Maybe your folks will purchase your child something larger another year. Who keeps tabs on this?

Christmas is not about presents when you have a family to be with.
I think you were ungrateful.
Don't host Christmas if you don't wish to.
If hosting costs too much ask every family member to bring food and drink and crackers or whatever- share the expense.

DriftingDora · 25/12/2023 13:41

JustAMinutePleass · 25/12/2023 10:59

nobody asked for a piano

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I can't help asking the obvious: why in the world do you offer to host each year? Why do you do it, then complain? Nobody likes a martyr, so in 2024 you really should learn how to say 'no', especially if doing the thing in question makes you feel resentful and bitter, because the only person who gets hurt is you.

Also, you can't control how much money people are willing to spend on your child. I don't want to sound unkind, but I cannot understand why you haven't realised that.

ThePlantKiller · 25/12/2023 13:43

user1492757084 · 25/12/2023 13:35

If your child learns piano perhaps they think he already has one. Maybe they would like their other grandchildren to also play piano because your child loves it.
Does this happen each year?
Are your siblings' kids poorer?
Are the kids upset?
Maybe your folks will purchase your child something larger another year. Who keeps tabs on this?

Christmas is not about presents when you have a family to be with.
I think you were ungrateful.
Don't host Christmas if you don't wish to.
If hosting costs too much ask every family member to bring food and drink and crackers or whatever- share the expense.

I'd say the presents are just showing the OP exactly what her family thinks of her and her child. It's obviously a way for them to be passive aggressive towards her.

InTheCludgie · 25/12/2023 13:48

JustAMinutePleass · 25/12/2023 11:24

you’re right of course. He’s only 4 so he doesn’t realise. DH thinks I should just grin and bear it and say no to hosting next year when my mum tries to guilt trip me into it. But I grew up being the scapegoat. It hurts that they’re repeating the cycle with my son.

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I agree with your DH here you need to break the cycle instead of enabling it

rochenutty · 25/12/2023 13:48

DriftingDora · 25/12/2023 13:41

I can't help asking the obvious: why in the world do you offer to host each year? Why do you do it, then complain? Nobody likes a martyr, so in 2024 you really should learn how to say 'no', especially if doing the thing in question makes you feel resentful and bitter, because the only person who gets hurt is you.

Also, you can't control how much money people are willing to spend on your child. I don't want to sound unkind, but I cannot understand why you haven't realised that.

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A sucker for punishment

I see it all over mumsnet, especially this time of year

the OP is all over other threads talking about how she wishes she doesn’t have any of her 4 siblings, as she doesn’t like any of them and a difficult relationship with her parents

And yet for some unfathomable reason - she thinks “i’ll have them all over and also subject my husband and child to them”

RatatouillePie · 25/12/2023 13:53

JustAMinutePleass · 25/12/2023 11:24

you’re right of course. He’s only 4 so he doesn’t realise. DH thinks I should just grin and bear it and say no to hosting next year when my mum tries to guilt trip me into it. But I grew up being the scapegoat. It hurts that they’re repeating the cycle with my son.

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I'd say nothing for now, but as they've made it clear that your son isn't as worthy as the others (spending a lot less on one grandchild is really rude) then I'd not be hosting again.

But I'd not say anything, then next year book yourselves a nice holiday abroad over Christmas, but don't mention it until they start asking about you hosting!

Ladybirder · 25/12/2023 13:57

That’s terrible behaviour by the grandparents. GC’s should be treated equally, be it gifts or support/ attention. Unfortunately it happens in many families, my DH’s being one of them. Grandparents either don’t realise about the hurt it causes, and then have the cheek to call you greedy/ ungrateful when you try and raise how it’s made you feel. I guess inly spend £30 on them in the future as they think that’s an adequate value (although I know it’s not about there money…)

babyproblems · 25/12/2023 14:08

I agree with the pp who said if you don’t want to host, don’t. Gifting is about giving it’s not about equal spending etc. Don’t dwell on it, be gracious and next year don’t host. Xx

mumsytoon · 25/12/2023 14:09

Yanbu. 30vs 300 is just so awfully unfair. They are now doing it to your child. Don't wait for next year. Round up the meal and get your dh to signal for an early night. Don't ever host them again. It doesn't matter if your kid is 4, they could have found something to get for him of equal value. Absolute shits.

Drfosters · 25/12/2023 14:38

I haven’t read all the comments here and I might be going against the grain but I feel so strongly that grandparents decide on an amount per family and that gets divided between the number of each grandchildren in each family. So grandparent decides that will spend £100 on each of the her children’s children. If one child only has one child then that child gets the full £100 and if the second has 2 then they get £50 each. No grandchild should get less because of how many cousins that they have, it is so unfair. Only their parents should answer to how many siblings they have. Grandparents should ensure each of their children’s families get equal no matter how many they have.

Zanatdy · 25/12/2023 14:40

You’ve every right to feel upset. Don’t be guilt tripped into hosting next year

Grimchmas · 25/12/2023 14:41

A proper piano? For children who aren't learning and presumably haven't shown any interest? I bet your siblings love the idea of finding room for those! You may find you get a second hand one very soon!

(I know this isn't the point of the thread. You're right that your son should get the same value as the other GC per head.)

JANEY205 · 25/12/2023 14:55

Drfosters · 25/12/2023 14:38

I haven’t read all the comments here and I might be going against the grain but I feel so strongly that grandparents decide on an amount per family and that gets divided between the number of each grandchildren in each family. So grandparent decides that will spend £100 on each of the her children’s children. If one child only has one child then that child gets the full £100 and if the second has 2 then they get £50 each. No grandchild should get less because of how many cousins that they have, it is so unfair. Only their parents should answer to how many siblings they have. Grandparents should ensure each of their children’s families get equal no matter how many they have.

No the fair thing is to give all GC the same….so they all get £50 or they all get £100. Your way is weird and makes no sense!

Peppermintginger · 25/12/2023 14:59

Lifeasiknowitisout · 25/12/2023 12:52

Yes you finally read the thread. While I was typing a response.

I didn’t say op should be happy because I would be. I gave a different point of view.

Op said she wants kids to get equal presents. When did monetary value become the only way kids gifts have value?

She could choose to look at it that her child got something they like/wanted. The other kids got something that will now be an obligation on them and their parents.

one child getting something they want and another getting something that means they have to take up a hobby they didn’t choose, also isn’t equal either. Ops child getting gift while the other parents got a big piece of furniture they didn’t ask for, that now puts time and financial obligations on them isn’t equal either.

it’s called putting a different point of view across. Didn’t realise we could no longer do that on here. 🙄

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In context with the original post, that comment has a separate meaning.

We can all express opinions on this forum. I was just giving mine?

OP was asking if she'd be unreasonable to ask them to leave. That is it. It didn't warrant a lecture about perceived value and gifting.

I'm sure your own children wouldn't love it if you spend 100s more on one and not the other. Oh, but you've probably raised them to be morally superior too 😂

rochenutty · 25/12/2023 15:01

i’d bet my bottom dollar that the 4 year old is happier with a £30 toy than a piano

diddl · 25/12/2023 15:01

I'm guessing if Op kicked her parents out the siblings would leave also?

Maybe that wouldn't matter if they see what is happening but don't care as long as they are getting the sweeter end of the deal.

If you're planning next year with just husband & kids, no need to make a big announcement about not hosting.

They'll figure it out soon enough!

rochenutty · 25/12/2023 15:02

Drfosters · 25/12/2023 14:38

I haven’t read all the comments here and I might be going against the grain but I feel so strongly that grandparents decide on an amount per family and that gets divided between the number of each grandchildren in each family. So grandparent decides that will spend £100 on each of the her children’s children. If one child only has one child then that child gets the full £100 and if the second has 2 then they get £50 each. No grandchild should get less because of how many cousins that they have, it is so unfair. Only their parents should answer to how many siblings they have. Grandparents should ensure each of their children’s families get equal no matter how many they have.

you completely contradict yourself

rochenutty · 25/12/2023 15:03

@Drfosters reread your own post

it makes no sense

Drfosters · 25/12/2023 15:03

JANEY205 · 25/12/2023 14:55

No the fair thing is to give all GC the same….so they all get £50 or they all get £100. Your way is weird and makes no sense!

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I disagree sorry. It does make sense. If I have one child then the grandparent is spending £30 on my family but if my sibling has 5 then the grandparent is spending £150 on their family. I don’t think that is fair personally. You should be scrupulously fair with your children. In this instance, the OP is being punished for having only 1 child but the grandparent should have bought each family a piano regardless of how many children there are.