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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unequal grandparent gifts

278 replies

JustAMinutePleass · 25/12/2023 10:51

I have an only child. My siblings have 2-3 kids a piece. Just found out my parents set a £30 budget for my child’s present and bought £300 pianos as a ‘shared gift’ for each set of gc for each sibling. I asked why my son didn’t also get a piano (or even a larger budget equal to a proportion of the others) when he’s the only one of their 6 gc actually learning the piano and was told I was ungrateful.

I’m so, so pissed off. Bear in mind I’m hosting christmas as I’ve done for years. Aibu to kick them all out and call it a day?

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 26/12/2023 11:42

Their responses say everything. I am sorry you have such heartless parents. I think drawing a line was the right thing for you to do. Glad your siblings have your back.

pikkumyy77 · 26/12/2023 14:06

Really glad you spoke up! And of course you know, contra the mumsnet sherlock brigade, that this is your mother’s method of punishing you for not being fertile enough for her vision of family life. You did the right thing. I hope your parents can learn from this. You should definitely refuse to host in future.

MrBojnokopffsPurpleHat · 26/12/2023 15:10

Well done OP. You've called out their vile dynamic, and their response just shows you where you and your DC fall in the family hierarchy. No shame, no lightbulb moment just recriminations.

I'm glad your siblings stayed, but I wish they might have spoken up on your behalf. Just remember, it's nothing you did, if you didn't exist, they would have just targeted one of your other siblings. That's how narcissists and their enablers work. It's not personal, although if course feels VERY MUCH when you are the individual scapegoated.

OP, You stood up for yourself, and even more importantly for your child's self-worth. That is way more important than if others felt you were rude or ungrateful in doing so.

EerieSilence · 26/12/2023 18:27

Christmasisspecial · 26/12/2023 06:26

Sorry OP, your update changes my vote. This really isn't about your fertility. Please say your tantrum was away from the children. Do you often have tantrums like this on special occasions? Christmas day? You've blown this way out of proportion.

You mean that she called up her parents publicly on their double standards? That’s a tantrum? No, that’s her not being a doormat.
Well done, OP.

mandlerparr · 26/12/2023 18:31

if it will make you feel better, the other kids gifts may have cost more, but they don't seem like they put much thought into those gifts either. I mean, they got them the exact same gifts, that they have to share, that odds are will not be used for more than a month. I was wondering if they were doing it because you only have the one child and that seems to be the truth.
Stay strong and don't host.

GotMooMilk · 26/12/2023 18:32

The fact that your siblings sided with you is great and shows they understand and can see your point. If they really wanted to support you they should speak to your parents and even return the pianos (appreciate this is tricky as gifted to the kids so can understand why they wouldn’t/couldn’t but still).

fetchacloth · 26/12/2023 18:59

Emotionalsupportviper · 26/12/2023 10:14

TBH - I think I'd sooner buy my child a piano than spent FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS hosting an ungrateful family.

Same here.
No way would I be offering to host again, or be guilt tripped into it.

Devondumplin20 · 26/12/2023 19:26

Just saw the update so deleted my earlier post

Juststopamoment · 26/12/2023 19:49

Don't host again! Sounds to me like they take advantage of you? Are you the eldest?

Boysnme · 26/12/2023 19:59

Soontobe60 · 26/12/2023 06:34

I wonder how old your nephews and nieces are. I think the biggest mistake you’re making is that you’re placing monetary values on gifts. You’re clearly forgetting what Christmas is all about.
I bet your piano-playing 4 year old was really happy you took his present off him and threw his grandparents out with it. And who on earth spends £500 on cooking for a few people?

It’s easy to spend £500 on Xmas dinner for 15 people if you are providing all food and drink.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 26/12/2023 20:55

My son got a single toy worth £30 and even that was given begrudingly.

How was it given begrudgingly?
Did they toss it at him?!!

vickidoodah · 26/12/2023 21:22

really? This is your take from this? Odd…

vickidoodah · 26/12/2023 21:23

Really? This is your take from this? Odd …

Lollypop701 · 26/12/2023 21:24

op you’re doing fine… you’ve told them you find their attitude disrespectful. Siblings agree . Keep it up!

fatimashortbread · 26/12/2023 21:41

Your child shouldn’t necessarily get more but they should get the same or similar

Messyhair321 · 26/12/2023 23:40

I'd be pissed right off about this. I get it too, my children were (&are as adults) treated differently by the same grandparents, my parents are just weird & lavish gifts onto my older two (my children are all now adults but they've always done it), & my youngest they barely notice. I'd be surprised if they even know when his birthday is.
It's very unfair & I'd be furious. So you think they believe that your child is ok in some way that the others aren't? No excuse for treating them differently whatever but that's the only thing I can think.

I'd definitely have to say something like "why are you treating your grandchildren differently from each other?" They'll notice as they get older won't they?

Teenagehorrorbag · 26/12/2023 23:43

I think its tricky working out present budgets but would generally think GPs should buy per child not per family. So £30 per child would be a total of 90 for one of your siblings families and 60 for the other (while being 30 for your DC).

Between siblings it's harder and maybe each family should spend the same amount per other siblings' children? Otherwise sibling A with one child spends more on sibling Bs family if they have several, etc. But I think it should be discussed and agreed up front.

In your case it seems your DPs have gone way above for your siblings, but are their children older? As PPs have said, maybe 4 is too young for them to want to give a piano? (And if you need one now, get an electronic keyboard. Ours was free from freecycle but they aren't silly money, take up less space and don't need tuning....).

Sceptre86 · 27/12/2023 01:18

The biggest issue is them treating you unfairly as a child and now doing the same to your child. My wonderful father in law used to have a saying that God keep away anyone who meant him ill. I make the same prayer/wish. You have a choice as to whether you allow this or not, do not allow it. Your child deserves better and if you have to go lc or nc then be it.

I made samosas for Christmas too, we had to cancel hosting as I'm ill but my freezer is well stocked.

AliceOlive · 27/12/2023 03:40

Can you share your samosa recipes?

Lollipopsicle · 27/12/2023 04:45

Well done for telling them to go OP. It’s nice to see someone with a backbone on MN for a change. I’d like to think your siblings not only stuck around but stood up for you as well. Don’t ever host your parents again.

Gillypie23 · 27/12/2023 06:07

I don't think your child should get more spent on them because you host. I do agree should have same amount as cousins.

Soontobe60 · 27/12/2023 06:45

Boysnme · 26/12/2023 19:59

It’s easy to spend £500 on Xmas dinner for 15 people if you are providing all food and drink.

Show quote history

I do it almost every year - I spend maybe £200 including drinks.

Doodlesplodge17 · 27/12/2023 08:42

My sisters kids and step kids were rigged out with clothes, accessories and expensive Lego sets, my kids got £25 and 10 minutes of their Nans time yesterday, I feel your pain, the unfairness is awful and very noticeable by my children this year, it’s so sad for them 😢

vickylou78 · 27/12/2023 09:16

Are the other grandchildren older? As in our family we have naturally spent less on the children when they are younger and happy with a large plastic toy. But as they get older more specific and expensive gifts are more likely. But it all evens out over the years.

Ie. What I'm wondering is is that it may be likely all the other children also had a £30 budget when they were 4?
Or Do they always have hundreds spent on them?
And your dc may have a year later on where they have something more expensive as a one off for something very specific.
I think I would've just had a chat about this rather than having a big fall out.

Emotionalsupportviper · 27/12/2023 09:18

Doodlesplodge17 · 27/12/2023 08:42

My sisters kids and step kids were rigged out with clothes, accessories and expensive Lego sets, my kids got £25 and 10 minutes of their Nans time yesterday, I feel your pain, the unfairness is awful and very noticeable by my children this year, it’s so sad for them 😢

It is awful for them (70 years ago I was the "neglected" child). It destroys confidence and self-esteem.

TBH, I ended up despising that particular grandmother - and I still can't forgive my parents for allowing it . They were well aware of the disparity, and would often say how unfair it was that she favoured the others and ignored me, but never said a word to her.

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