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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is madness and not safe?!

385 replies

chocolateaupain · 24/12/2023 16:33

17 year old DD is saying she is going out this evening to meet an 18 year old lad who she's never met before and knows nothing about. We live in the middle of nowhere- apparently he's "getting dropped off" near our house and she's "going for a walk" with him. She's chatted to him over FaceTime and text and they have mutual friends apparently but essentially she knows nothing about him. She plans to just walk around in the dark and cold in a rural area with him (lots of unlit areas). I've told her this is madness and to meet him somewhere lit and safe like a pub / cafe / restaurant for a proper date. She won't listen.

Am I overreacting?!

OP posts:
taylorswift1989 · 25/12/2023 08:42

EerieSilence · 25/12/2023 06:32

TBH, I wonder how many of those women who are full on accusing OP of being a controlling bitch would go on a Tinder date in the middle of a very unpopulated countryside, in bad weather, with nobody to come to help fast should their date turn into a creep.
Please, share with us your delightful romantic experiences, dear ladies.

Erm... I actually did this a few months ago. We matched on an app, talked on the phone, he drove over to where I was staying and we went for a moonlit walk through the fields. It was lovely.

Not that I'm accusing the OP of being a controlling bitch. Although I do think the hysterical reaction, crying, swearing and threatening to puke was all a bit extra.

Minfilia · 25/12/2023 09:55

My 15 year old daughter saw no problem at all with going abroad on her own to meet a group of online friends 🤦‍♀️ fortunately she did listen when I told her all of the reasons why that was a horrendous idea…

She did eventually go abroad alone at 16 after we met and vetted the 18 year old boy she was seeing and he’d stayed in an air bnb nearby, then with us a couple of times first. He was actually a great kid.

My 17 year olds currently think it’s great to go out driving with their friends between 11pm and 1am.

They really do make bad decisions at that age because they see no danger!

Original poster
chocolateaupain · 25/12/2023 10:12

Whenthebirdssing · 25/12/2023 07:57

Just read this while waiting for everyone to wake up and I feel compelled to just say what horrible replies to your post. I’m quite shocked. So glad your DD is ok and had a lovely time. It’s great she can talk to you about how it went and say that you were right. A sign you have done a most excellent job of parenting! 🎄

Ah thank you so much! This seems to be the majority opinion from what I've read so far (only skimmed this morning briefly as I've obviously been enjoying a lovely Christmas morning with my two girls and my lovely man 🥰). So I can safely ignore all the other guff (😂) and enjoy my Christmas thanks to you lovely lot!

Merry Christmas! 🎅🏻🥂

OP posts:
EerieSilence · 25/12/2023 10:55

taylorswift1989 · 25/12/2023 08:42

Erm... I actually did this a few months ago. We matched on an app, talked on the phone, he drove over to where I was staying and we went for a moonlit walk through the fields. It was lovely.

Not that I'm accusing the OP of being a controlling bitch. Although I do think the hysterical reaction, crying, swearing and threatening to puke was all a bit extra.

Edited
Show quote history

Applause to your adventurous spirit. People like you usually even have a very romantic moment or they end up in the Crime section of newspapers. But you're an adult and her daughter is 17.
And I can fully understand OP and her reaction if her DD suddenly came up with this idea.

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 25/12/2023 11:06

EerieSilence · 25/12/2023 10:55

Applause to your adventurous spirit. People like you usually even have a very romantic moment or they end up in the Crime section of newspapers. But you're an adult and her daughter is 17.
And I can fully understand OP and her reaction if her DD suddenly came up with this idea.

Show quote history

100% agreement.
At 16, I did similar to OPs daughter. I was sexually assaulted.
This was a man who lived a few streets from me, in a very small town, and had multiple shared friends.

taylorswift1989 · 25/12/2023 11:14

EerieSilence · 25/12/2023 10:55

Applause to your adventurous spirit. People like you usually even have a very romantic moment or they end up in the Crime section of newspapers. But you're an adult and her daughter is 17.
And I can fully understand OP and her reaction if her DD suddenly came up with this idea.

Show quote history

I get it. I don't get why you wouldn't invite the boyfriend in, instead, though - seems like the safest thing to do - way safer than sending her out in a taxi or letting her wander the fields alone with him. I also don't get the crying and puking, but maybe I'm just of a different generation. (Gen X, the feral ones.)

I do think part of growing up is learning to take risks and to work out which risks are acceptable to you. Ideally, you have some guidance with that when you're still young. But I tend to react against the idea that everything is so dangerous for girls and women that we should just sit at home and talk to no one in case they rape and murder us. You have to be bold and brave if you want to have an exciting life. Sometimes your risks will pay off, and other times they won't. But even if you never take a risk, you can't guarantee you'll always be safe from harm. You have to decide, for yourself, what kind of a life you want to have, and then be brave.

ChristmasSteps295 · 25/12/2023 11:23

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 25/12/2023 11:06

100% agreement.
At 16, I did similar to OPs daughter. I was sexually assaulted.
This was a man who lived a few streets from me, in a very small town, and had multiple shared friends.

Show quote history

That wasn't your fault.

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 25/12/2023 11:39

The speech at their wedding is writing itself: “I knew he was a good’un from their very first date because…”!!

Merry Christmas 🎄🎅

Original poster
chocolateaupain · 25/12/2023 11:51

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 25/12/2023 11:39

The speech at their wedding is writing itself: “I knew he was a good’un from their very first date because…”!!

Merry Christmas 🎄🎅

😂😂

Well... he has to pass several more "mum tests" before he can marry her😬😂 so we'll see about that!

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolateaupain · 25/12/2023 11:53

I also don't get the crying and puking, but maybe I'm just of a different generation

Or maybe just lacking in empathy for a very stressed and overwhelmed mother who's been holding everything together singlehandedly for too long and this was the final straw that tipped her over the edge. Lack of empathy isn't a generational thing, it's a personality thing. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
taylorswift1989 · 25/12/2023 11:58

chocolateaupain · 25/12/2023 11:53

I also don't get the crying and puking, but maybe I'm just of a different generation

Or maybe just lacking in empathy for a very stressed and overwhelmed mother who's been holding everything together singlehandedly for too long and this was the final straw that tipped her over the edge. Lack of empathy isn't a generational thing, it's a personality thing. 🤷‍♀️

If you're saying you were having a mental health crisis, then I get it. We all have moments where we lose perspective. It did come across (to me) like you and your supporters thought your reaction was reasonable and proportionate, so that's what I was responding to. But I agree, we can all lose our heads sometimes, especially at this time of year, so yes of course I have empathy for that, and I'm glad it didn't do any damage to your relationship with your daughter.

Frequency · 25/12/2023 12:32

I'm not sure why posters are saying a 17yo is an adult and OP should not interfere. My mum is in her late 60s but if she told me she was planning this my reply would still be, "How nice. Me and the dogs will join you."

Feeling sick with worry when your child (or loved one of any age) is planning on meeting a stranger in a dark, remote place is a normal reaction, imo. I find it odd that anyone would think otherwise.

I would have let DD bring him into the house but I have a very big dog. I'd probably be more reluctant if didn't. I can understand why OP was not keen on the idea when she has a small child at home.

Also, some people just don't like strangers in their home.

rochenutty · 25/12/2023 15:21

and just trying to make it a nice evening got everyone. Proper arsehole mum who's bent over backwards all week trying to make everything lovely for both my kids.

by posting 4 PAGES worth of long and often very aggressive posts on mumsnet? what a treat for your toddler

rochenutty · 25/12/2023 15:27

I'm not sure why posters are saying a 17yo is an adult

generally the same posters that moved out at 16
That cook for 15 for one chicken breast
That scorn anyone who doesn’t make their teenagers find work during GCSEs / Alevels

those kinds of posters

rochenutty · 25/12/2023 15:27

i will would worry about my daughter in this situation whether she was 17, 27 or 57

Original poster
chocolateaupain · 25/12/2023 16:46

rochenutty · 25/12/2023 15:21

and just trying to make it a nice evening got everyone. Proper arsehole mum who's bent over backwards all week trying to make everything lovely for both my kids.

by posting 4 PAGES worth of long and often very aggressive posts on mumsnet? what a treat for your toddler

🤣🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolateaupain · 25/12/2023 16:47

Yes my toddler frequently reads mumsnet. 🤦🏼‍♀️👍🏻😂

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolateaupain · 25/12/2023 16:48

Hope everyone (almost everyone) has had as lovely a Christmas day as we have here 🥳🎅🏻🥂💕

OP posts:
rochenutty · 25/12/2023 16:48

chocolateaupain · 25/12/2023 16:47

Yes my toddler frequently reads mumsnet. 🤦🏼‍♀️👍🏻😂

er because that’s what i meant. really? oh dear

rochenutty · 25/12/2023 16:50

chocolateaupain · 25/12/2023 16:47

Yes my toddler frequently reads mumsnet. 🤦🏼‍♀️👍🏻😂

Not. A. Chance. you can make us believe thst christmas under your roof has been anything other than akin to a Shameless /Eastenders Christmas Special! 😂

rochenutty · 25/12/2023 16:51

Looking forward to the name calling and aggression already! 🤶

AllIsWellish · 25/12/2023 16:58

Bloody hell , some of you are really bored aren't you . And really offensive

CatMadam · 25/12/2023 16:59

rochenutty · 25/12/2023 16:51

Looking forward to the name calling and aggression already! 🤶

It really looks like you’ve come on this thread with the sole purpose of riling the op up. It’s Christmas! There are so many other ways you could spend your time!

rochenutty · 25/12/2023 17:02

CatMadam · 25/12/2023 16:59

It really looks like you’ve come on this thread with the sole purpose of riling the op up. It’s Christmas! There are so many other ways you could spend your time!

Show quote history

got the dog and my DD on me watching DS play fortnight with new controller whilst he takes me through the various “skins” - trust me, mumsnet is a christmas joy! 😂

AllIsWellish · 25/12/2023 17:03

CatMadam · 25/12/2023 16:59

It really looks like you’ve come on this thread with the sole purpose of riling the op up. It’s Christmas! There are so many other ways you could spend your time!

Show quote history

Of course they have! Christmas evening and they are accusing the op of having a Christmas akin to eastenders or shameless 🤣 utterly ridiculous