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Original poster

To think this is madness and not safe?!

385 replies

chocolateaupain · 24/12/2023 16:33

17 year old DD is saying she is going out this evening to meet an 18 year old lad who she's never met before and knows nothing about. We live in the middle of nowhere- apparently he's "getting dropped off" near our house and she's "going for a walk" with him. She's chatted to him over FaceTime and text and they have mutual friends apparently but essentially she knows nothing about him. She plans to just walk around in the dark and cold in a rural area with him (lots of unlit areas). I've told her this is madness and to meet him somewhere lit and safe like a pub / cafe / restaurant for a proper date. She won't listen.

Am I overreacting?!

OP posts:
Howbizarre22 · 24/12/2023 22:33

I can’t believe the nastiness of some of these posts. Weirdos! Ignore. I’m glad all worked out OP have a lovely Christmas. (I dread my girl becoming a teen 😅) xx

BalletBob · 24/12/2023 23:15

TerrysNeapolitan · 24/12/2023 21:40

Age 17 isn't a child. I lived in London in a flat share! Good grief.

17 is, by definition, a child.

It also doesn't actually matter how old she is. Any girl or woman who meets a stranger she's been talking to online in a remote, rural location is taking a risk. It's common sense at any age to meet online dates in a well lit, public place and to always make sure somebody knows where you are and is expecting you to check in.

Any half decent parent would have been horrified at their 17 year old (or indeed adult child) planning to behave in such a risky way.

Izzy24 · 24/12/2023 23:20

Happy Christmas OP.

Glad your girl is home and safe. Sorry you’ve had such a horrible time on this thread .

oakleaffy · 24/12/2023 23:31

chocolateaupain · 24/12/2023 22:26

@oakleaffy

Oh my goodness that sounds terrifying. I'm so sorry that happened to you x

Thanks!
Yes, it was terrifying.
I still don’t know where I got the strength from to hold onto those railings
i crossed my arms through them and that kept my front safe- While screaming “ Help!!”
Had the railings not been there, I dread to think what would have happened.

I didn’t contact the police-It makes me wonder how many “Disappeared “ young women are enticed into dangerous situations.
This was in broad daylight.

It makes me think of Suzy Lamplugh.
I’d had that inner warning- but chose to override it as didn’t want to cause offence.

Advice to anyone- Don’t worry about causing offence- listen to that inner guide!

Fredshred · 24/12/2023 23:31

Not sure I’m getting some of the hysteria here. She went out at around 6 and was back at about 8, to meet a boy and see if he’s her cup of tea. Hasn’t that always happened? Had it being going out nearer to midnight my spidey senses may have been tingling, but 6pm?

Treefusis · 24/12/2023 23:33

chocolateaupain · 24/12/2023 20:32

Also, does the 17 year old have such a close relationship with her Auntie because her Mum is now so focused on her nice, new little family? I think I would feel I had failed as a Mum if I had to rely on other adults to 'talk sense' into my own DD.

WOW. I missed this gem.

Since you ask, my eldest is so close to her auntie because she basically helped raise her from birth. My sister knows my daughter inside out as they've been thick as thieves for 17 years now. My youngest was born when my eldest was 14, so riddle me this..... how did my eldest bond so lovingly and closely with her auntie for 14 years in the absence of "my nice new little family"? She was a literal only child for 14 years. I'd love to hear your warped theory on that... Second thoughts, nah, not interested.

You'd feel you'd failed as mum if your child ever didn't listen to you, leading you in desperation to turn to another adult you know they will? Wowsers. You must have very, very exceptionally behaved and complaint children, to always - without exception - listen to you as their parent. I mean, I think you deserve a sparkly gold Christmas medal for that. Here you go: 🎖️

Girl is close to older female relative… stop the press!

Honestly 🤦‍♀️ it’s perfectly normal and healthy for children to have good relationships with their wider family. If you had managed to raise a child who didn’t have any relationship with an aunt they see a lot then that might be worrying.

I, as a fully grown woman with a wife and two parents on hand- went into labour and immediately phoned up my cousin and aunty to come over. They stayed for 2 days until after the baby was born!

My sister has rung me before to come and make her children get dressed for school when she has totally run out of patience.

@chocolateaupain im glad your daughter was safe and had a good time. By next year it will be a funny “remember when you thought tripping off to be attacked by some random boy was a fun Christmas activity?” anecdote hopefully.

Honestly, bloody kids.

oakleaffy · 24/12/2023 23:35

Fredshred · 24/12/2023 23:31

Not sure I’m getting some of the hysteria here. She went out at around 6 and was back at about 8, to meet a boy and see if he’s her cup of tea. Hasn’t that always happened? Had it being going out nearer to midnight my spidey senses may have been tingling, but 6pm?

Bad things can happen even in broad daylight.
This unknown bloke wanted to walk with a 17 yr old in pitch dark in the wind and rain.
That isn’t normal.

LittleMissSunshiner · 24/12/2023 23:35

TerrysNeapolitan · 24/12/2023 21:40

Age 17 isn't a child. I lived in London in a flat share! Good grief.

Age 17 is childish and legally a child in many countries.

I left home when I was 15 or more to the point was booted out and I thought I knew it all because that's the job of a teenager, to know everything on behalf of the rest of the world.

Doesn't mean bad bad things didn't happen to me. I guess none happened to you but you're one of the lucky ones.

weirdoboelady · 24/12/2023 23:48

Gosh, this does remind me of a date I had when I was 17, more than 50 years ago. Went out with a guy and mum said DO NOT GO BACK TO HIS PLACE. So what did I do? Even though I was terrified the whole date (terrified even though he behaved like a perfect gentleman, or I wouldn't have gone back to his place IYSWIM). I escaped unharmed, but am fascinated to see this same problem resounding down the ages. To all the kids out there 'I promised my mum I wouldn't, yes I know she is an evil witch out to spoil my fun' is a totally valid excuse!!!!!

DidIMakeaMistake · 24/12/2023 23:53

Glad it all worked out and Merry Xmas everyone

Superduper02 · 24/12/2023 23:59

chocolateaupain · 24/12/2023 20:10

She's just come home. Smiling and happy, saying he was lovely and a real gent who stayed with her til her taxi arrived before be left himself. And she actually said she could now see where I was coming from and she was glad to be indoors in the warm rather than waking the streets in the cold and dark. I asked her how she'd feel if her little sister (who's she is fiercely protective of) said she was doing similar in 15 years time - she shook her head and was like absolutely not. I see your point mum.

So relieved! And sounds like this lad might be alright as well, maybe I'll warm to him. but god help him if he upsets my baby 😂

Thanks to those who were helpful and supportive.

Merry Christmas! 💕🥂

Very pleased to hear your DD is home safe! Such a stress but glad she understands where you were coming from. She was probably too excited to see her dreamboat date to think that he could be anything less than a lovely person. It's your job to think about these things. Well done all round.

WandaWonder · 25/12/2023 00:01

You would rather not invite him in and would rather have her out with him

I think you have your priorities are wrong

swimsong · 25/12/2023 00:43

anxiousnanna · 24/12/2023 18:33

today? or in life in general? only you can answer that

Edited
Show quote history

You really won't give up on your inappropriate & wanky pop psychology, will you?

mantyzer · 25/12/2023 02:21

I know she is back home safe.
But this is exactly the kind of thing I would have done at her age. And nothing bad ever happened. I was raped at 16 by a long term boyfriend who my mum would have liked me to marry. But the random more risky things I did always turned out fine.
I think it is important to be aware of risks, but also have courage. I knew too many women in my early twenties who would not go out after dark alone or go perfectly ordinary places they saw as dodgy.

time4aNC · 25/12/2023 03:24

Glad she’s home safe and saw some sense!

You sound like a great mother OP based on your comments. I’d have no idea how I would ever handle this situation. ----

Mouse82 · 25/12/2023 03:43

Trust your gut, we have instincts for a reason.

ChristmasSteps295 · 25/12/2023 04:40

I hate to say this at Christmas but I suspect OP has had a hard time because of her aggressive and hysterical responses.

I get being protective. It didn't sound like the smartest idea, no. But nearly vomiting with stress? Effing and blinding at anyone who has a difference of opinion? Insisting her daughter is one step away from being raped and murdered? Refusing to have this murderous rapist in the house? Ranting about her Christmas being ruined by her selfish daughter? Unnecessary rants about Christmas presents? It's all a bit much, isn't it?

I'm another one who was living away from home at DD's age. While it would have been nice to have someone looking out for me, I really wouldn't have taken kindly to someone getting so worked up they were about to puke. I'm not convinced that kind of reaction would have brought anything positive to my life. I just hope DD isn't put off sharing any personal information or details of her plans or whereabouts ever again.

As expected, it was a storm in a teacup anyway.

Nanaof1 · 25/12/2023 05:52

Bookist · 24/12/2023 17:57

Let me guess, oldest is from a different relationship and you, DH and youngest are a lovely happy family that she has to tag along with and she's bottom of every priority list for everything ever?

This was my first thought too. Also, does the 17 year old have such a close relationship with her Auntie because her Mum is now so focused on her nice, new little family? I think I would feel I had failed as a Mum if I had to rely on other adults to 'talk sense' into my own DD.

Funny, I would think I failed as a human being if I jumped on a mom needing some comfort, advice and a place to vent. I'd also think myself not very intelligent if I didn't realize that Aunts are frequently the favorite sounding board for a female teen and more likely to listen to her, tell her your problems, confide in her etc. Finally, I'd also think less of myself if I behaved like the above, since, making assumptions about others just makes an ass of u.

But, you do you. FFS

littleblackcat27 · 25/12/2023 06:10

chocolateaupain · 24/12/2023 16:59

Right auntie has now talked to her - she's convinced her this is madness and she's now getting a taxi to a local pub instead and meeting him there, and a taxi home. I've told her she goes nowhere on foot with him - just taxi there and then home. The pub is only 5 mins away.

Great solution OP - lots of people who haven't read the full thread might like to take note.

I hope she had a good time and Merry Christmas to you OP!

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 25/12/2023 06:16

@chocolateaupain So glad to have read the updates. Teens are so thick headed sometimes (even the good ones with engaged and loving parents!)

It's also really lovely to hear that she listened to her Auntie... Sometimes advice needs to come from anyone but mum because obviously we're always overreacting lol.

Sorry about a lot of the responses you've had here though. I'm assuming that many either haven't had teens themselves, or their little darlings were very good liars. Teenagers can be stupid at the best of times... what really matters is that DD saw sense and compromised which wouldn't have happened if you weren't a caring mother with a good bond with your daughter.

ChaToilLeam · 25/12/2023 06:23

Glad all is well, OP. Enjoy your Christmas! 🎄

EerieSilence · 25/12/2023 06:32

TBH, I wonder how many of those women who are full on accusing OP of being a controlling bitch would go on a Tinder date in the middle of a very unpopulated countryside, in bad weather, with nobody to come to help fast should their date turn into a creep.
Please, share with us your delightful romantic experiences, dear ladies.

shearwater2 · 25/12/2023 06:35

Well done, OP. Teens can be incredibly pig headed and daft at times while generally lovely. This will be a time she'll look back on and be glad you put that boundary in place.

ripplingwater · 25/12/2023 06:58

Well done OP- glad it all worked out and he sounds like a very sensible lad too, agreeing with you.

I am lol at all the hysterical posts about why is she close to her aunt and why is she "acting out" etc. She's a teenager, I was exactly the same at her age, I just wanted to meet boys. Looking back I was an idiot but you can't see it at that age, you just think you know best about everything. Happy Christmas and ignore the witches on here!

Whenthebirdssing · 25/12/2023 07:57

Just read this while waiting for everyone to wake up and I feel compelled to just say what horrible replies to your post. I’m quite shocked. So glad your DD is ok and had a lovely time. It’s great she can talk to you about how it went and say that you were right. A sign you have done a most excellent job of parenting! 🎄