my husband has ruined christmas

[Muminneedofadvice23]

my husband left 2 days ago we have 3 kids and he has just left no contact his phones off and im heartbroken i genuinly cant pull myself out of this cant stop crying. i have no family or support i literally dont know what to do

I'm so sorry your going through this. It hurts. Massively. Xxxx in my experience and I'm sure you know this addicts can be awful at xmas . He's safe at least. It's proberly better if he's smashed to be at his brothers. I used to have to send my ex to bed, just to be away from the kids. The biggest change came from my ex is when I kicked him out. He attended rehab courses and we started the court processes if he wanted to see the kids. So this forced his hand. It was heartbreaking as we had been together 12 years. Sadly it wasn't a happy ending for me as he passed away while we were still doing court proceedings. Perhaps after Xmas have a serious talk . Our plan was to be single , get him, properly sorted out and if we did get back together he would still live in his own flat.

You can do this OP, tomorrow can be a lovely low key Christmas with your kids! Don't worry about the house beong a bombsite, that's not important!

Get your pressies wrapped tonight, spend all day tomorrow in PJ's, watching Christmas films and snuggling up with your children ❤️ all you need in your house is peace, the kids will have a much better Christmas without a violent alcoholic around them.

This.

Quite honestly this man isn't worth the steam off your p1ss, and his family are no better enabling him like this.

He's not a recovering alcoholic - he's an alcoholic and obviously is quite happy to be one. I can't tell you what you should do-this is your marriage and your family, but I can tell you what I'd do. I'd tell him he could stop with his enabling mother and brother, and I'd contact Women's Aid for advice and I wouldn't look back.

Divorce - clean break (as much as you can when you have children) because this will happen over and over, he will make your life a misery, destroy your health, ruin both of your relationships with your kids, and very possibly get you into debt as well.

I know it isn't easy - you may love him, the children certainly will love him if they are young, but that love will turn to hate and you all could end up wasting your lives for this useless man who doesn't even care enough about you to stay sober for his family at Christmas.

Your children will learn to loathe him and his embarrassing behaviour and they may blame you for putting them through it if you stay with him. He's a waste of skin.

Of course you will x

I imagine he's about as much use as a chocolate teapot. Don't let him back. He's a waste of oxygen and so are his family.

Hi OP. Just want to send you hug and let you know you can do this.
You have food and presents for your children.
Yes you're upset and the children obviously realise something is amiss BUT having mum cry is a million times better than drunk, violent abusive dad at any time of the year 💜
If its at all possible (legally or strength wise) try and keep him from returning. You really do deserve better.
There will be plenty of support here over Xmas, not everyone is having advert family Christmas 🌺

Agreed.

All of us children, as adults, have exerted enormous efforts not to reproduce our family Christmas experiences.

Some of my siblings still struggle with their own sobriety.

It's very hard. The effort shows that you're not free of it even decades later.

OP, it's wretched and I doubt what your children have witnessed is what you hand in mind for them. Please put yourself and them first.

You can do this OP. Your first Christmas of many that can't be ruined by the actions of a selfish alcoholic. Wishing you and your children the best.

Why are people going on abut an OW ? Op has given no indication that this is the case and that he is at his mum's. Do you not think op is already feeling bad enough ?

I think they just haven’t got far enough through thread/ op extra posts.

I don’t think there is ow.

Yes I get that but it's so insensitive to even put that idea in op's head when she is already distressed and it's Christmas Eve. Just no bloody need for it.

You and especially the children are better off with him gone. You know that, even if that shock suddenly being on your own is difficult to comprehend.

if you dust yourself off and get to it, you will probably discover that for your children, this is the best Christmas they have ever had. Getting the alcoholic out of the house will bring relief and they will actually get to enjoy the festivities.

Sounds like you’re better off within him.

How are you feeling? Hope you're ok.

I don't know, OP. Has he actually "ruined Christmas" or has he done you a favour by walking out? At least you know you won't have a drunken, boorish husband buggering up Christmas Day. It'll be just you and the kids having a lovely meal and spending time together.

Honestly, would you be better off without him permanently? I'm thinking maybe you would.

Op I'm so sorry this is happening. No wonder you're in bits.

You don't need to make any decisions right now other than firstly, how you are going to stop him returning under the influence if he's violent when this happens. Can you ring an emergency locksmith and get the locks changed urgently. If he turns up aggressive ring the police and have him removed.

Secondly, I'd tell the kids who are old enough that daddy has been drinking so he won't be joining us for Xmas but that you're still going to have a lovely time. If you don't have the where with all to decide a plan for the day I'd ask the kids if they could do anything for Xmas what would they do and let them come up with the plan and you just facilitate it. If they want pizza for dinner and you don't feel up to cooking, why not. Maybe do some painting/ Christmas crafts/ read stories/ Big walk/ movie marathon/ get set up for a sleepover together in one room/board games/ charades/ Christmas music dance party. Your 13 yr old is old enough to help out a bit with their middle sibling so you can focus on baby.

Do you have any friends or family further away who can support you or who you could go stay with?

It's one Christmas, your kids will be fine and make the best of it, the important thing here is that you keep yourselves safe first and foremost. Once the dust has settled, speak to a solicitor and get legal advice and think about what YOU want going forwards and what your kids need.

And remember two parents in separate homes is better than two parents together in an unsafe abusive home.

I have been in your shoes exactly....
He hasn't left you, he's just drunk. Judging by fact he can be aggressive and violent during this its for best he's somewhere else.
6 years is a long time to fall off wagon so there must have been something that made him pick up glass, until he's ready to sober up and make that choice by himself there's nothing you can say or do.
Tell kids truth he's seeing family... if I recall xmas and new year was the worst so be prepared for not getting things sorted till Jan.

Well you have yourself and your children a nice peaceful Christmas. No doubt he would've wasted it anyway. Good riddance I say. My late ex p wasted many a happy occasion for me and my dc. Looking back I can't believe how much energy and emotions I wasted on a selfish alcoholic who chose not to stop drinking.
I understand you don't have family/friends and you think he's all you have, children aside.
Take this opportunity to keep him gone. The emotional damage he could cause your dc could last a lifetime. Think of it that way.
There is a better life for you outside this toxicity, I know, I have lived it and came through the other side. There are charities out there who could help also, please reach out. You won't regret it
Much love x

Two days before Christmas he abandons you and your children.

Cuts off all contact knowing you'll be frantic wondering what's happening.

He's an alcoholic who turns up pissed to the children's panto treat.

His mother and brother also think this is hilarious - and they are all publishing the fact online.

He is violent when he's drunk.

His family are vile, and you keep the children away from them.

—---

That's the past.

Now: you have home, your children, yourself, the presents, the food. You're there! With people who love you, you love them.

This utter waste of space hasnt ‘ruined’ Christmas; he's given you the best gift ever - a Christmas free from him for you and the children. No drunk, obnoxious, violent behaviour to protect the children from.

This is the future.

Warm, loving, sane and safe.

Do the Christmas thing - whether it's lunch in your PJs, presents in bed, lovely silly things on telly, going for a long messy walk, warm bubble bath, hot chocolate …

He's done the best thing he could do. It sounds like his family are toxic. Keep their poison away from your lovely family and make Christmas your own.

🫂

I said I'd check in with you so just doing that now... Hoping you are OK and that you hug your kids and make good. Memories for them today. I'll be thinking of you during the day and especially at 11 and 6 as promised. Take care, sending love and support, xx

How are you today? Xx

Hope you and the kids are ok today OP xx

And again... Keep smiling!!! He's ill but better away from you all today. Plenty of time to consider it all next week and later. For now rejoice in your kids xx

Thinking of you today and hope you and your children have some fun together - I'm sure you will

I hope I have had a better day today xx