my husband has ruined christmas

[Muminneedofadvice23]

my husband left 2 days ago we have 3 kids and he has just left no contact his phones off and im heartbroken i genuinly cant pull myself out of this cant stop crying. i have no family or support i literally dont know what to do

What an utter piece of shit. I'm so sorry. 😢

You'll be ok. Find your rage and divorce his abusive selfish ass.

Sending you the hugest hug. I've been in a similar spot. It's hard, but you got this. 💖

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Lots of good advice on here for you. Big decisions can wait until you feel able to make them. His behaviour is appalling and his family are disgraceful especially if they know he’s an alcoholic. Sending you support and strength.

Talk honestly to your eldest and ask them what they would like you to do for Christmas, and get their help in making it special for the little one(s). Maybe get them to make a Christmas playlist (with no "Fairytale of New York").
Some swimming pools are open tomorrow or try to fit in a walk. Make new memories.

al-anonuk.org.uk/ also have a helpline and I'm sure this is not an uncommon time for people to fall off the wagon

I don’t have any advice only a hand hold I know it hurts like fuck right now, you don’t need to do Christmas if it’s too much. Give the kids their presents but everything else doesn’t need to be going on while you’re coping with this

Your 13yro is old enough to understand and support. So work together, make plans for the next couple of days with the promise to make future plans on the 27th.

he might well try and come home today or tomorrow when he realises what the day is. It’s up to you, but he will come home and carry on drinking or crash with a hangover.

I know what I would do, but it’s your life your decision.

You poor thing OP, that sounds really hard.

I grew up around alcoholics and Christmas is hard. I would be doing my best to reframe this, it is the first Christmas for you and your children without the stress of alcohol and whether your husband is going to ruin in. Relax into it, enjoy the positives.

Then make it your new years resolution to not go back there.

Well his timing isn’t great, but I’ve just read your other posts and I think you’ve been given the best Christmas present ever.
Freedom. For you and your children.
Your relationship has been in a dark place for quite a while, imagine how much lighter you will feel this time next year?
in the short term, reach out to your family and friends and be truthful about your husband has treated you all.

Safeguarding your children is more important than Christmas. You did the right thing in telling him to leave and now you need to do the next right things:

• Do what you can re: Christmas Day but try not to beat yourself up over what you can't do at this late stage
• Start divorce proceedings as soon as you can in January

What would Christmas be like if this violent alcoholic were out of your lives for good? Really think about that because if you can stay strong this will be your Christmas in 2024.

Ok, right now, things are tough. But you deserve better. I would try and organise things for tomorrow for you and the dc, just the basics so the dc can have a nice day. Then I would get your ducks in a row. I would not let him back. I know what it's like to have an alcoholic for a father. It will bother the kids more than you know. You all deserve better/more than a violent drunk. In a way, he's done you a favour. The trash took himself out!! But I'm sorry you're going through this!

Agree with most of the practical advice - focus on yourself and the kids' Christmas at the moment. He has chosen to absent himself and if he's drinking he's best off where he is.

Not sure I agree with message to the 13yo. They may be old enough to understand, but they shouldn't be providing emotional support to you or being burdened. Message to the children is that Dad is spending Christmas with his mother this year. If possible, get the message to his mum that he is with her for Christmas and is not being catered for at yours.

Get some Christmas music on and tell the kids they need to help do a blitz tidy up as Santa is on a tight schedule and doesn't have time to navigate the mess when he's trying to leave their presents. Once the shops open, go and do a raid on a turkey crown or chicken and the rest of the dinner bits, then can get the games out then get The Snowman on.

If you can, deadlock/put a chain on the front door today and tomorrow, and if you have a ring doorbell set it so it just sends notification to your phone and doesn't "ring", so that if he does attempt to come home he cannot just let himself in without you being able to assess his sobriety and appropriateness to be around the kids without them having to witness that.

Sorry, this is the man that beat you infront of your two year old in September, and you're heartbroken. OP you had good advice then. This really needs to stop now.

He ruined Christmas but improved the rest of your lives. Don't have him Back. He's had his chances.
Choose a happy life.

This was me years ago. He often ‘left’ me but he didn’t really, he just wanted to drink to excess and would go off for days and months sometimes. He is showing you exactly who he is and what he sees as his priority. As an alcoholic that will always be booze. I can empathise totally with the pain you are in right now and my heart goes out to you.
If you stay with him, this will continue. Of course he might one day get straight but my ex is currently in rehabilitation yet again and it’s 14 years since he did this for the final time with me. He started drinking again and went on a bender whilst I was pregnant with our second DD. I didn’t see him again until she was 7 weeks old. He then went on to do the same to another woman so now has 3 DC he doesn’t see.
All I can say is take control. He will never be the person you know he could be. With him your life will be full of that heart stopping fear and trepidation; listening for the key, hoping he comes to see the kids, waiting for the phone call. Your best strategy is to make the decision for you and your children. Cut him free- he can have his life and you can move ahead to a secure and happy life with your children. It’s scary but nothing is as awful as anticipating his actions and always feeling so devastated. It’s nearly a new year. Let it be a new life for you. I wish you peace and happiness 💐

I hope in time you look back and see this as a god send. You and your children do not deserve this! At all!!
stay away and do not get back together. Violence is not welcome in a family unit. Stick together with your kids and they will give you the strength to get through this. Give each child something to do so they can help get through the day together.

Im so sorry that sounds like a really hard situation for you. I feel like hes actually done all of you a favour by leaving so that you and your children can have a nice Christmas day together without him ruining things being drunk and behaving badly in front of the children. As hard as it is I would channel all this upset into making this the best day you can for all of you. Put your focus into making the house ready for tomorrow get the kids involved put some music on have some nice food and get some positive energy in the house. You can deal with him after Christmas its obvious hes still got issues but it would be a massive shame that you all missed out because of him.

BREATHE

and again...

BREATHE!

there is loads to unpick - but you do not need to do it now.

Tell the kids dad's sick and gone to grandma's. You said you have everything in, so get the kids involved to make a good weekend.

Then worry about where you go from there. Personally I'd tell him to stay at his mums as you clearly cannot trust him.

Devonshiregal · Today 09:13

*ZekeZeke Today 08:39

OK, that's different, ignore my OW post.
There is no such thing as a recovering alcoholic. You are an alcoholic end of.
He is a shit and you are better off without him*

Wow. Well isn’t that lovely to those of us who have spent years battling to escape addiction and do our absolute best for our families. Run businesses. Mentor people. Do exercise. Do the school run. Oh yeah…and walk unnoticed amongst the rest of you angels.

What Zeke says is absolutely true. It doesn’t matter whether you are 24 hours 24 months or 24 years sober. Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. You can’t recover from it and it is something you have to remember every single day because once you slip it is a hard road back to sobriety

Is he in AA, has a sponsor?
I think you have to plan Christmas alone for you and the children, it’s survivable and FAR better than having a drunk husband in situ ( been there, done that, wanted to murder the bastard)
After Christmas it’ll have to be ultimatum time— either he’s back on the wagon, in AA or similar or he doesn’t come home.
The alcoholic roundabout is wearing and damaging for everyone, it took me years to recover from his alcohol- induced abuse. Protect yourself and your children.

Oh OP. I’m so sorry.

Sounds like things have been complicated/bad for a while and this is the last thing you need.

My advice is to stop thinking about him and stop trying to contact him. Change your focus and put all of your energy into your DC. He has shown you he’s not worthy of your energy and he’s absolutely not worthy of your DC.

I’m guessing they all know what he’s like so they’ll probably be pleased he’s not there. Any “Where’s dad?” questions can be answered with a quick “He’s not very well so he’s staying with his mum for a bit. Now shall we watch Home Alone or the Muppets?”.

Christmas doesn’t have to be perfect. One of the best ones we had was after a disastrous family meal that ending in a shouting match. We came home early and had freezer tapas in our pyjamas and watched crap on tv. See what the kids want for dinner. Do they even like Christmas dinner? There is nothing that says you can’t have pizza and ice cream served on fancy Christmas plates.

Chose what Christmas you want to have. Plan some activities that will occupy the DC so you can get a bit of time to yourself, go for walks etc. Ask them what they’d really like to do. Don’t give anymore headspace to H and don’t let him back in the house tomorrow (maybe call the police today so they put a marker on your house).

You’ll get through this x

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so so hard but you will make it and I hope it can be a turning point for you and your children. You deserve so much more than this.
I once had a similar Christmas where all hell broke loose. My three children and I ate fish fingers for lunch and watched a lot or rubbish TV but we were together and, despite all my fears, it was actually a very lovely day. It was also a turning point and the next Christmas we were an established unit of 4 and have never looked back.
I know it is so overwhelming when you think of it as a huge decision so take it one day at a time, focus on your children and be kind to yourself.

You can do this!

Why would you want an addict in your house who finds his children hurting entertaining?

Great he removed himself, would be even better if he extended it beyond Christmas and the new year.

Why you upset about it?

What a callous man. Utterly selfish. So sorry.

It doesn't matter if the house is a bombsite, mine is too. Just try and have a nice dinner tomorrow and play some games with your kids. It's a shock that he's started drinking again but it would be worse if he was in the house. You really don't want him there.

My Mum, Dad and Gran were alcoholics. Honestly he’s done you a favour. What a useless piece of shit. You don’t want your kids around him.

I would forget about your husband for Christmas. Don’t speak to him don’t ask him to come back. Let him stay at his mothers.
Bolt or block the front and back doors when you are in the house and tape up the letterbox
Make sure you have plenty of food in for a great Christmas. Give the house a clean and tidy, rope dc in to put things away and have the local police station on speed dial just in case he turns angry and gets into a fight at his mothers and decides to return to take it out on you for Christmas

Have a relaxed and happy Christmas with your dc. Look at it as the start of a lovely quiet life without the drama or worry of what state he will turn up in